The Song I Sing

Been singing this song since the other day... I thought the message was simply beautiful.

It's been a long and winding journey, but I’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when I look into your eyes...
My dreams came true, when I found you
I found you, my miracle...
If you could see, what I see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

-Angels brought me here by Guy Sebastian

slow day

First day of vacation and i spent it infront of the tv watching carrie underwood win the american idol season 4. I cried when she was finally declared the winner.She deserved it in my book. Although Bo was also good, I thought she sang her heart out more yesterday.

No badminton today for a change. It feels kinda weird. I guess I got used to being on court all the time. My mom asked me this morning what my plans are coz I seem to take the game so seriously. Di ko naman kinacareer.. It's just I enjoy it so much and it helps me cope with all the pressures of school, work and my ITP. Keeps me sane. Truly.

I wonder when will comps come out...

close call

Just came from my doctor today. Had a close call. My platelet count stands at 185,000. Its down from 250,000 last month. I guess the stress of comps and the tourneys along with all other issues finally got to me. Even my weight plummeted by 6 Ibs. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when the results came normal despite going down by nearly 70,000. It was a close call but it worked out nonetheless. For that I am grateful.

Had a scare last week when a great big bruise showed up for no reason on my right leg. I may not look like it, but it sure did rattle my spirit. It's been 2 years already since I relapsed and I'm almost on the way to remission. I just don't want to lose it at this point when I'm so close to getting better. It's not only about the cost of maintaining my drugs but also the toll it has taken on my spirit. Living in chronic limbo the past two years has rocked my world.

So i guess i got a lot to be thankful for despite everything. I'm still here. And I'm still normal. My meds has been cut down again. If I can maintain the count for another month, I get to be tapered off once more. To be finally medicine free would be such a bliss.

A parent of another patient asked me this morning, what was it like when I first got sick. Her son was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. And he's just 5 years old. I told her, I could barely remember. I was only 4 then. And all my life that's all I've ever known. I don't even know what its like not to have my ITP. I guess it must be scary for her. But I saw she had so much hope that I really believe that things will work out for her baby.

"Belief is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen."


****

Despite everything I am thankful to you.. For bringing back the songs to my life. no regrets. I wish you well.

And Im thankful for great friends who were sent to me from heaven even if I tend to forget them at times.

Today I decided to...

Today I decided to have a haircut. Wala lang. Just to have a brand new start.People say that to know when someone is feeling blue check if they took a trip to the beauty parlor. True... A good haircut can always cure the blues.

Today I decided to change my phone lines.. New life din. It's time to get rid of the old and let in the new. They say when God closes a door, he will always open a window. Now that I feel that a certain door is closing, I'd like to pave the way for the opening of the windows. Hey maybe its the roof that will open this time. hahaha.. So if you're my friend, expect a message from me soon..

Today I decided to eat out and have fun.. Yummy lunch out with weevens and oliver sure made my day. Instead of boring old cafeteria food, I got to eat gindara fish in bento box along with polvoron looking (but tasty) tofu crunch. It was great laughing with the guys especially Weeven's stories about "sushi" and "asukal"

Today I decided not to think about you much.. I just don't know if it worked but I sure did try.

Today I decided I do not want to get hurt. Because today I decided I wanted to be happy. And I tried. And I will continue to try.

I'll be okay.

The dreamer speaks

I busied myself today with work. Didnt want to think about things that have no answers. Was I successful? Dont know. There were moments that I'd lapse into moments of silence and find myself wondering again. Then I'd push myself to wake up and resume the things that needs to be done.

I take comfort in thinking. My best friend tells me I think too much. 24 years of school does that to you I guess. But in times like these, I know thinking will just drive me nuts. After all, my questions have no answers-- for the moment at least.

Part of living is learning to live with lost control. My ITP taught me that. I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that not all things can be planned.

Will you ever answer my questions? Or will I be forever left wondering why?

Dazed & Confused

"I was afraid this time would come..."

I don't understand sometimes why I never get used to this "script" in life. Maybe because I hope that every time it happens things would change. I don't know, call it naivette or stupidity but I'd like to think that each beggining is filled with hope. Somehow something just happens that it get screwed along the way.

One of the boys. Will that be my forever role?

Or maybe I just think too much.

Maybe.

confused

I've been through this script before-- when the "other" strikes the balance. Yet I cant help but wonder why I'm still going through it at all. At the start of any relationship, you find yourself hoping and telling yourself that maybe this is it. You go through the process of the whole dating script/schema (or whatever cognitive concept you wish to call it). Then the bubble bursts. Or maybe you're just being paranoid. SOmetimes we tend to complicate things. I dont know why I do it but I do. I'm human and I'm shinky. This is shinky-ness at its finest.

My bestfriend tells me I should not attempt to understand at all. Maybe I should do that. Still have a lot more important things to think about. Or so I believe.

So why go through it all? Why bother when you'd end up getting yourself shinky anyway? Simple-- because by going through it, you open yourself to the chance of opening new doors. And perhaps more simply put--because by going through it, I find myself singing more and more everyday-something I seem to have forgotten for quite sometime now.

And that to me is bliss.

For that I am grateful to you.

The waiting game...

Comps is finally over. Now the waiting begins. Results are to come out in 3 to 4 weeks time. Hopefully I have something to celebrate this june. Thanks to all those who prayed and who continues to pray for me.

The most arduous part about waiting is the feeling of limbo it leaves you. And you ask yourself endlessly why and when and how. Questions that will never be fully answered until the right time comes. Am I still talking about comps? Dont really know.Maybe, maybe not.. I'm rabbling my thoughts here. That's all. Masyado pang maaga para magisip ng mga bagay bagay. Hahahaha.

Still I cant help but wonder.. When will the waiting end?

Thoughts of nervous wreck

I dont think the title of my blog is apt for me today. Less than 24 hours before I take my comprehensive exams, I am a walking nervous wreck. After 24 years of studying, this is it-- my FINAL EXAM. The last one I have to take for life. And I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I know I should not be too tense. After all, I've been here before. I've taken the comps before during my MA days. And it shouldnt be something totally alien to me. Yet, the nagging feeling of not knowing what to expect is still there. And I can't help but hope and pray that soon this will all be over. Part of the pressure I guess is the knowledge that a lot of people are banking on me to do good. I wish I could live up to the expectation. Today is the day i need to harness all the self efficacy and self esteem beliefs I have so that I can truly believe in myself. Thank God for great friends who have been cheering along the way.If not for them, I'd probably be headed for Mandaluyong today. =P

Here's how I've been out of sync lately-- in three weeks I've had three badminton related injuries. I injured my finger in the left hand when my friend accidentally hit it during a game. Then a week later, another friend smashed his racket to my right wrist (fortunately it hit my racket first and did not cause a fracture) leaving a big bruise. Then last wednesday, I fell badly on court and scraped my knee badly. Talk about lack of grace and embarassment. But more than that, it HURTS!! Up to now I can still barely walk. I have to limp when i go up and down the stairs coz the wound is still open. And worse of all, I have to attend a wedding on sunday. Talk about an unsightly accessory.

Before I sound like a total klutz on court, I do think that my "nawawala sa sarili" moments are linked to the dreaded comps. I've been too distracted.. Yesterday my tooth hurts badly and i realized it was totally psychosomatic. A psychologist having conversion reactions?! what a joke! hahaha. Well i guess it just proves that before being a psychologist, IM ALSO HUMAN

I once wrote in my thesis "believe in your power to create miracles". I hope that miracle will work for me tomorrow.

reviewing.. well almost

One week and one day before the much awaited comps, I'm still jumpstarting my review. It's hard to try and recall two years of grad school work in a span of weeks. It's even harder when some subjects were taken up as far as 2001! My long term memory has been overextended already.

Calatagan was great-- for one whole day I actually forgot the time and enjoyed what I was doing-- even if it involved statistica and SPSS. Cha is right, the place makes the day a little bit longer.

My mom and my sister are keeping a comps countdown on me.. I wish May 7 and 14 would just fly by. Pwede kayang matulog at gumising na tapos na ang May 14? hehehe. =)

Now if only I would stop thinking about things that I shouldnt be worrying about and worry about things that are indeed worth thinking of...

three weeks to go

Three weeks to go before the dreaded comps... Part of me wants to get it over and done with while a bigger part of me does not want it to come. Pre-test anxiety is driving everyone nuts. My sister keeps telling me to study and my mom keeps a running count on the number of days left before May 7 and 14. Talk about added pressure. =)

I know I shouldnt be too anxious for I've been through this before. Still... it's nerve wracking..miss my orig comps study group buddies (aka the starbucks gang)... obs, chin, bambi, & tamie wish you guys were here.

okay back to work

blooperfilled tournament and great friends

Last saturday was my most blooperfilled tournament ever... Try playing badminton and realizing that you forgot your shoes! hahaha. So embarassing. Thank God for great friends who are willing to rescue me from my katangahan. Thank you again Peter!! =) lifesaver ka!

Forgetting my shoes was not the end of it. The day before my level got dissolved leaving me with almost no tournament. Had to find a new partner the last minute to play at a different level and practiced the last minute as well. Fortunately the tandem worked and we made it to finals. =) So many other bloopers not worth mentioning here anymore but I just thank the heavens for a great tournament. Thanks partner Marie!

One thing I learned from all these-- I am loved by friends. And that is the most endearing experience in life-- knowing that people really care for you. And that when things go really really wrong, friends would make the rainbow shine again.

summer comps

less than three weeks from now i will embark on the biggest exam of my life. aka-- the dreaded comps. i think my anxiety level has gone three notches up along with my defense mechanisms! hahaha! Im in a perpetual denial that i should study.

SEM sounds so alien along with so many concepts i've forgoten along the way. i just hope i remember them in time.

Questions that has no answer

I hate the feeling of being in limbo. Of not knowing why and how? Of thinking of maybe's and what ifs? And I am left wondering where in the world do I find the answer? I want to know why and answer all my querries but I am left asking myself these useless questions. And I wonder, am I ready to hear the answer to my question?

So I remain wondering.. and wondering.. Will I ever know?

Burned

I burned myself yesterday by accident. I was trying to reach something on top of our stove and got too close to the frying pan top and viola, I burned my stomach. It was the most painful thing imaginable. Fortunately I didnt lose hold of the bowl Iwas holding at that moment. Now I have a scar that looks like the design of our frying pan top. Branded by a frying pan. How nice.

Had to play with a bandage on my stomach since it was quite painful still. With my ITP, my wounds tend to heal a little bit slower that most people. So I had to be quite careful yesterday. But of course no one could drag me away from the badminton courts. So despite the pain, I played and trained pa din. =)

Road trip today... Subic here we come!

Summertime

I love Summer Vacations! No matter how short they are, its still a much awaited period of the year--when you can bum around and just do absolutely NOTHING. Summer vacations means going to the beach and not think for once of homeworks, quizzes and exams. Summer vacation also means no traffic in katipunan and being able to get around in half the time. However summer also means heat and yesterday was one of the worst. Sitting under the tree in Ortigas while waiting for my mom was pure torture especially when it was 12nn. By the time we got to Megamall, I was ready to run for the showers and just immerse myself in water.

Summer vacation also mean badminton play all you can. With all the time to spare, I can play any time I want to. Last tuesday we played for 10 hours. The Pamilya Badminton Mixed Invitational was a pure blast. I still feel the pains of play till now but it was all well worth it. Kudos to mike and may for being such a formidable pair to play against. But most especially I have to thank Peter, my partner, who was all over the court and got me to my first finals game. =)

I wish summer vacation would not end. =) Pero siyempre, like anything else, all good things must come to an end. So I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

35 days to comps. The countdown begins.

One day more...and beer drinking

One day more and its finally vacation from school. I can't wait. Although Im still swamped with papers to check, I still look forward to tomorrow, when my life as a student ends. Its hard to juggle work and school especially during these times of finals and grade deadlines. As much as you want to finish everything on time, you simply can't.

I'm in a perpetual denial of things to be done. Cramming at its finest ika nga. hehehehe. Was out last night with some new friends. We drank beer and forgot for a few hours that at home, piles and piles of papers and reading materials are waiting for us.

Trained as well for badminton and ran all over the court the entire afternoon. Even got smacked with a basketball in my face during training (reminded me so much of my ill-fated PE days in UP where I nearly flunked basketball PE). Was on court for 6 hours and played countless of games. And as expected I feel like a bulldozer has run over me. But it feels great. Yesterday morning I was already feverish and about to come down with colds. Today, my fever is gone and my colds are just down to tiny sneezes.

okay so back to work... time to finally get serious. =)

Lessons learned from the court...

Yesterday I saw the difference between champions and nonchampions. In the end, its not the skill you know that makes the big difference as to whether you will win or not-- its the heart. Playing takes more than skill (but still very important) but endurance and the heart to win the game also matter a lot. I guess it takes some sort of game maturity to gain that heart to win. And that is what makes champions champions-- they have the skill and the will to win the game and stay focused on their goals till the end.

I saw so many heroes on court yesterday-- people who despite challenges remain focused to the task. One player struck me because he only had one viable arm and limped in court. Yet he was so good and played his heart out. It made me realize how disabilities cannot hamper you from reaching for the stars as long as you claim your place among the heavens. How many of us actually do that?

My friends lost their quest for a championship in a 3 set decision game last night. It was a well fought game. And in the end it didnt matter if they ended up runner ups or champions because they played the game till the very end.

My good friend told me the other day (after losing badly in a game) to "learn from mistakes and focus on the next game." So I guess its back to practice for me.

Till the next game..

Ouch.. Massacred..

We got massacred at the powerade tournament today. Ouch. Haaayy... Kala ko pa naman tapos na ang mga araw na uuwi ako ng luhaan from the courts. After two successive good tournaments I was quite positive about this one. Unfortunately we failed to deliver. Sayang. Tried our best pero it was not good enough.

Back to the drawing boards. More practice. As a friend said once, "we only appreciate the victory after we learn the bitterness of losing..." Great thoughts. I just wish losing doesnt hurt that much. =)

one day more....

Tomorrow is the biggest days in the lives of five students in research sem 2. It's defense day! Sana we can just skip wednesday muna. Wish!

I apologize to all that I have neglected in the course of this past 2 weeks. After tomorrow, things will be back to normal.. konti... until deadlines next week. =)

Hell week

This week is considered hell week by most people in the academe. Imagine all last minute exams, last minute checkings, reportings, etc are all crammed in the next 5 days. For me, it boils down to one big event-- Dissertation Proposal defense. If I survive wednesday, I'm the happiest girl on earth. I'm not even thinking of the Powerade Tourney muna which is slated this saturday and sunday.

To all the crammers in the world, goodluck to us!!

Two years

It has been two years since I had my fourth ITP relapse. I can't believe how fast time flew by. My relapse came after a month of never ending health crises ranging from UTI to food poisoning. I guess I should have seen it coming with the stress of the previous year and all. But nonetheless, I was never completely prepared.

Now two years later I'm ALMOST back to normal. I look normal. My platelet count has been normal for more than a year already. But I'm still under medication. I still go to the doctor every month to have my blood tested and platelets monitored. Tonight I got quite a scare when a cut would not heal. I cut my finger early this morning and until now, it continues to bleed intermitently.

Wednesday's blood test is a big test for me. It will decide my fate with my meds. A good platelet count would mean I'm on track for remission again and my meds will be lowered and eventually tapered off. Sana..

the night before

Videoke and drinking session with 3 great friends made EDSA 2005 a good holiday. Never have I seen peter and aldwin sing so much in one night. hahaha. It was fun bonding with great friends. Nakikita ang mga hidden talents of people.

Winning moments? Aldwin's magic tricks and "tubig ba to?" incident.. Ella's one hour telebabad... Peter's renditions of earth wind and fire songs that earned him best songer of the night... and my luck at random song selections that included "lodi" and "santa clause is coming to town."

pizza, beer, videoke and friends... great combination

p10

I just had a small reunion dinner/get together with some of my oldest and dearest friends. The P10 girls got together tonight-- 6 of us that is. I realized that we have been friends for over 20 years now. Some of them were my classmates since prep. We realized tonight how were finally growing up. Before when you serve food on the table, it will be gone in no time. Today, we barely made a dent to or feast of isaw, pasta, barbecue, mango cream pie, salad and choco mallow pie. And the ultimate sign of growing up? You start taking out food to go as "pasalubong" for husbands, boyfriends and other family members. =)

We reminisced about memories of growing up and how weve managed to keep our sanities and friendships intact through the years. We took never ending pictures (me and my body parts; jai the ever camera shy;divina the reluctant cream pie model;tetet's isaw poses;kim's forever photographer ako smile; and mariel's never ending self poses on my cellphone's camera for mms). It was great being with the girls again ( ay i forgot-- may boy pala-- the honorary p10 member jethro who mesmerized "martha" and gained a new soulmate)

Too many things to be grateful for--Mariel's new love, tetet's never ending tradition (hmmm..sana last na to), jai's new job, and so much more. I do wish we could have more of these things. And sana next time we finally push through with all our plans--especially kim's never ending plan (but never done) to play badminton.

Friends forever

another friday and olie's newest adventures

Another friday, another color coding day. finally gotten used to waking up early and rushing to beat the 7am mmda deadline. Three more weeks of like this and its FREEDOM!!!Yahoo!!!

My cat Oliver was injured the other day-- he fought with some neighborhood cats. Ayun, limping tuloy. Kawawa. He does have a knack for getting you to pity him. The other night, he was able to cajole my mom into letting him sleep in the aircon room with us instead of being sent out to his bed in the terrace. My mom said he looked so pitiful that she couldnt bear to let him sleep in the heat. Sosyal na pusa! He woke me up at 3am because he needed to go out to his potty. I'm proud to say, my baby is well toilet trained. He can be overly makulit at times but he is quite intelligent. He is also super matakaw. Last friday, he downed 3 plates of pancit in one sitting. My sister fears that Olie will become a diabetic or die from obesity one day.

finally

the long wait is finally over. the 7th try proved to be the lucky number =) winning my first tournament last night was perhaps the best valentine gift ever. hahaha. better than any roses or flowers combined.

go team pink!!!

aching bones, sore muscles

Played Badminton for 6.5 hours yesterday. I played a total of 17 games in all... I woke up this morning feeling as if a bulldozer ran over me. =)

Certified Badminton addict according to partner ces. =) even the weevens is speechless. hahaha. didnt know how i lasted that long yesterday. To think I even played for 5 hours friday.

Sana we ca just play for our grades. I think I have a better chance at that. hahahaha

Photofinish

Made it to class just in time.. For a moment there I thought I would have a heart attack. Just when I was about to print the most important paper of my life (a.k.a chapter 1 of my dissertation), my computer hangged and rebooted by itself. I wanted to scream and die. Fortunately, I was able to save my work a few minutes before saving my life from sure death. =) After printing, I found myself rushing through Balara traffic (which unfortunately was baaaaaadd). Somehow people seemed to be driving particularly slow today.

15 minutes before the deadline I zooming my way across the Mcdonalds intersection and inside the ADMU campus. Now if only I could find parking.. SS parking was completely full leaving me no choice but to park in the middle of the parking area (bahala na si batman!) and make a run for it. So I gave it my Forrest Gump run and flew as quickly as I can.

I submitted my paper at exactly 11:18 am. Been awake since 2am and just downed a whole pack of Cadbury chocettes. Sugar rush.

Crammers rule!

remembering

He never even remembered my birthday. Or maybe he chose to forget. I didnt think it would matter much to me. But I guess it does. For all that has happened I dont think I deserved to be forgotten.

Still I want to thank him.

Thank you for giving me life.

And I will also say goodbye

february tradition

I think i started a new tradition for feb-- a tradition that i dont want to repeat ever... for the past three years ive been bringing people to the ER on feb. It started with me back in 2003, then my friend eugene last year who dislocated his shoulder. And this year it was my mom who fractured her right shoulder after a fall. What a way to celebrate ones birthday--- staying in the ER of PGH. Lacking sleep and with barely no time to even wash my face, we drove to PGH where we spent the next 5 hours going through xrays, doctors and paperwork. Fortunately, it was not too serious. My mom just have to wear a sling for the next couple of weeks.

sana next year wala na.

birthday girl with friends
Posted by Hello

birthday wishes

I turned 28 today. and last night i got to celebrate the start of my 28th year with 18 great friends and family. it was a blast and even if i was dead tired from cooking for everyone, i enjoyed every minute of it.

My wish for my birthday? Secret! hahahaha. Otherwise it won't come true. But for those who truly know me,they know what it has always been.

When I think of last night I think of one thing-- my favorite quote from Margaret Atwood and Alias grace. ..And there we were, in a kind of harmony; andthe evening was so beautiful, that it made apain in my heart, as when you cannot tell whether you are happy or sad; and I thought that if I could have a wish, it would be that nothing would ever change, and we could stay that way forever...

To everyone who made the past 27 years a reality... and who made life worth living for for me, thanks. To those who made it last night (ella, peter, aldwin, lyzet, lady, banjo, beth, erwin,denden, eugene, oliver, partner ces, weevens, addictus joven, nikki, mardet, fr. ben, and tito joey) SALAMAT. To those who missed it, thanks still for remembering me.

Wilkins..in memoriam

I lost a baby late last night (well not exactly a baby, but an almost 3 year old cat). And its all my fault. We named him Wilkins (after the distilled water) but for some reason my mom kept calling him Twinkle. Over the years we have been continuously debating in the house what name to call him. My sister and I insist on Wilkins. After all there's nothing twinkly about him-- he's a black cat and was so "masungit" that in the three years he was with us, I never had a chance to pet him. But Twinkle or Wilkins was like a dimple-- a deformity that you learn to love or a pimple that never goes away until you learn to live with it. For all his kasungitan, he was extremely loyal.

And his loyalty caused him his life.

I accidentally ran over Twinkle last night. Omigod! He came barging towards my car as I was parking in our garage. He would do it everytime I go home as if welcoming me back. But last night for some reason, he forgot to step aside. He was usually quick with his reflexes but last night he didnt step away. When I felt a bump in the car, I immediately stopped and knew that something was terribly wrong. And true enough our twinkle was down.

I felt so bad that I frantically called my sister who was soundly sleeping at her condo by then. The first words I spoke were, Omigod! I murdered Wilkins.

Wilkins has no breed-- he's not even truly ours. He's one of the neighborhood cats (or pusang kalye) that we sort of adopted by virtue of feeding them. He belongs to the Mandirigma family (because the entire family is full of masungit cats). His mom Patricia was the classic cat diva.. She treated us as if we were her pets and not vice versa. She died after 8 years of being with us-- old age. In her entire stay with us, she only allowed me to pet her once (during a time when she caught a virus and lost all her hair and nearly died). Wilkins was her perfect male counterpart. But lately we noticed that he's becoming a bit sweeter. There was a time (about two weeks ago) that he suddenly touched my leg and walked by it several times. That's the closest thing to a bonding session that we'll ever have.

Wilkins has two siblings-- Hospicia (hospy) and Mozart (Mochie). And one neice (Froda). Along with my baby Oliver, I now have four cats left- along with about 3 other pusacals that sometimes wander to our house to eat.

My mom said siguro his mission on earth is done already. There's also a belief that our pets would take on the bad things that are supposed to happen to us. Sort of like a sacrifice. Still, I would have wanted his life to end in a less violent way.

When I went out of my house this morning, I missed the black pudgy thing that used to sleep on top of car (causing all those scratches on the hood).

Sorry twinkle.tita jaime failed. Goodbye wilkins.

I still love fridays...

Waking up at 5am on anyday is pure torture. Try doing it on a friday. Fridays are supposed to mark the end of a long week. Well not for me.. Fridays mean the start of a long weekend ahead. But what makes fridays torture these days is MMDA. Color Coding. Yep! Try and be color coded on a gimik night and you'll understand what I am talking about.Imagine not being able to get out until 7pm when you want to meet friends in far areas for dinner. Not to mention the fact that I have an early class and therefore I have to get up way way before the sun is even up to avoid the traffic caused by the five schools that I have to pass by from my house to work.

4 fridays to go. Can't wait =)

just friends

Late last night a girlfriend of mine sent me a message of how being just "a friend" has been a great disservice to herself through the years. "I am just a friend, that's all I'll ever be" says a classic song from the movies. Cheesy but to a lot of people it makes sense. And to many of us, its so true.

In the art of falling in love, one often wonders how come there are so many dense people out there? People who seem not to notice how they keep on looking for someone whose always been there with them all along. Funny isn't it? We all look for the one, yet when the one does show up, more often than not, we don't even recognize the person. And it makes me wonder, are people really that dense?!

My friend's message made me think of the old days. And it reminded me of my own pathetic stories (hahaha) of failed attempts and icky moments. I laugh at them now. But I remember those times when I too cried over some person because "I was just a friend." But those are part of the past-- beautiful memories that should be just left like that--memories.

Lovelives come and go but friendships last forever. So perhaps being "just a friend" isnt exactly bad (Rationalization! hahaha). One thing I know that holds true for me is that if you're a friend-- even just a friend, you will always be a friend. And friends do not abandon each other just because the other do not see you the way you want to be seen. I would never trade my friends for the world. Without them life would simply be too dull (at maiiwan ako kina grand diva magisa! oh no!)

Sana kasi simple na lang ang buhay. Wish ko lang. =P

Kulang lang siguro ako sa tulog... =P

to be older...

In less than a week, i will be one year older. Wiser? I have no idea. Hope so.

There are many things I am grateful for for the past twenty seven years-- great friends, great adventures, even moments of grief. Sure there were really sad days, but there were great ones as well. And as one gets older (and wiser :)) one stops to learn to appreciate the things that are there and not the things that are not there.

things that makes this 27 year life memorable

1. great friends-- everyone who made life memorable for me
2. my cats-- oliver (bacatelli amoy amoy), datu sylvester kamlon javert, fern gully, siomai, patricia, hospy, wilkins, mozart, frodo, siopao, angel, paula, bambam, polkie dots, chabelita, cocaine, and all the others i might have forgotten through the years.
3. coach
4. badminton-- finally learning a sport and loving it
5. archery-- even if it was a short stint, it was fun while it lasted
6. UP days-- the best!
7. Al, paulette, tamie, bubba, eleisha and the rest of my gilkerson family
8. ella and our foodtrips-- who could forget our lunchouts to all those far flung places!
9. camping at caliraya-- and ang cellphone ni aldwin na nalunod
10. cebu bohol adventure
11. boracay plane ride
12. 4:30 pm merienda breaks with weevens, cha, oliver and maria ces
13. grand diva, curlettes, pearly shells, kc and bebs, hello kitty-- just naming them makes life a bliss. hahaha
14. greatness and kikay
15. isaw and fishballs of UP Campus
16. mang jimmy's tapa mix
17. leching's chicken mami and sharksfin siomai
18. Espanya train adventure with vesper-- true evidence of grace under pressure!
19. nearly drowning in the flash flood with obeng along timog
20. starbucks-- where great friends and great memories are formed and made!
21. p10-- friends forever
22. my 300plus book collection
23. cellphones
24. the heartbreaks, the tears, the bwisets and failures in life-- if they cant break you, they'll make you stronger
25. diving in the caves of bohol (and not knowing how to swim)
26. going on a 10 year remission from ITP-- If it can be done once, it can be done again
27. macau adventures in 2004 and finally eating in a true chinese resto in china.

a poem once said, "after a while you learn...."

yes. i have learned so much in the course of the past 27 years.

i learned that happiness in life is not measured with what you have and how much you are given.. but rather by the things you did to make every moment count.

fridays

I used to love Fridays a lot. It meant the end of the long work week (or in my case, a long school week). Now, I still like Fridays but not as much. It's quite hard to get up early in the morning at 5am just to beat MMDA's color coding and get to ateneo by 7am. Before friday meant no more classes the next day. This sem it means the beggining of a long weekend of school.

I still like fridays though. On a friday, people smile more, people are more relaxed. I just wish the good ol fridays are back- when i didnt have to get up early and just laze around my bed.

15 more weeks to go.

back to reality

It was barely two weeks ago when vacation started and now, its back to reality again. Argghhh!!! Bitin! Mind you I do love going to school but when you just went through one hell of a semester, a two week break feels like it was no break at all... Okay enough of the whining... I'll just think positive thoughts... Sige na nga.. things I will look forward to this semester...

1. 12 noon classes (I don't have to get up early)
2. Badminton in between work and school (lots of them)
3. Impromptu gimiks with Ella (we never seem to be able to this on vacations)
4. Christmas and shopping for Christmas gifts
5. Palawan Adventure 2005 (the preparation begins!)
6. Merienda in the afternoons with Weevens, Ma. Ces, and Oliver
7. Friday color coding (yeah right!)
8. No more evening classes (except when I have to be driver for mom)
9. Planning for my birthday (not that I want to hasten getting older)
10. Teaching a new course
11. Seeing my students (the nice ones!)
12. Free email and internet access at work
13. New cubiclemate (Mareng Reg!!!)
14. Teaching psy testing all over again
15. Only 6 units in academic load this sem (my last 6! hooray!!)

and lots more...

final exams and cramming

One more week and all these is over and done with-- finals. I can't wait. It feels like a never ending torture session and we don't even try to excel on anything anymore-- just surviving is considered a mean feat. If I am still alive after next week, I am the happiest person in the world.

random thoughts

Have you ever had a moment in your life when happiness seems to be within your grasp yet you are so afraid to take it? Not because you don't want it but you are scared shit that it will disappear. It's like wishing you could bottle the moment and keep it that way forever. And you keep hoping that maybe this time it will really be the happy ending you've always been dreaming of.

*******
And there we were, in a kind of harmony; andthe evening was so beautiful, that it made apain in my heart, as when you cannot tellwhether you are happy or sad; and I thoughtthat if I could have a wish, it would be that nothingwould ever change, and we could stay that wayforever...

-Margaret Atwood "Alias Grace"