Early to School

For the first time in two weeks I'm actually not stuck in early morning Katipunan Traffic. And it feels wonderful.

Traffic has been consistently bad the past two and a half weeks in Katipunan. For some reason, everyone seems to be heading towards ateneo from 6am to 8am. Last tuesday it got so bad that it took me almost 2 hours to get to school. I left my house at 6:10 am and got to Ateneo at 8am! Just to get from Mcdonalds to Ateneo's gate 3 took 35 minutes. It was so frustrating.

To avoid that nightmarish event again, we left home at 6:02 today. Talk about an 8 minute difference. From my two hour nightmare (that included a round trip to ever and philcoa), it was reduced to a mere 7 minutes.

Oh why did I ever choose to get a 7:30 class?!

The Onliest One

I like days like today-- days when you have nothing in particular to do but you accomplish a lot of things. I'm never one for planning and I always do things last minute. A crammer at heart so to speak. But today I felt good coz I did a lot of things and I enjoyed it. Got to watch a nice video, went shopping (who doesn't love shopping?) , ate pizza (minus the pineapple) and nachos (yummy!!), and even made a fool of myself in public (classic blooper yon, diba partner?).

Now that is a good day. I hope it won't be the onliest one as Tigger would say.

Speaking of Tigger, I saw Tigger the Movie today on video. It was really nice. It's been a while since I was able to watch a really good cartoon. I thought Peter was kidding when he said I would cry. I did. Funny isn't it?-- crying while watching cartoons. Somehow it reminded me of my childhood days. I remember crying while watching Cinderella when I was a kid. Happy endings make me cry. I even cried while watching Space Jam (okay I wasn't so young then but what the heck, =P)

I've always been a sentimental fool I guess. I cry while reading my favorite stories, I gush over romantic movies. I even cry while watching my sports heroes play. When my sister graduated from high school I even shed a few tears.

Call me cheesy and even corny but that's me.

So now that the day is finally over, I can't help but wish, sana it didn't end na lang. Or sana tomorrow will also be a good one. For once I didn't play badminton but we did drop by SB. As ella would say, "di na kumpleto ang araw niyo kung di kayo dadaan ng SB."

****
maybe you're right. maybe i am. maybe.

Aching Bones and Tired Bodies

Played gruelling matches last night at shuttlesbest with the badminton addicts. Now my entire body hurts like hell. Imagine the girls played 7 sets non stop with no water or rest breaks. Then played a hard mixed game with macre, mark, and peter. I pity partner coz he was running all over the court. I realized in that game how hard it was to shift from one event to another. Playing mixed right after playing women's was really a challenge for me.

Why do we torture ourselves? I guess it's the challenge. And the feeling of accomplishing something. I am no athlete. Prior to badminton I really had no real sport. I dabbled into archery in high school but I never really took it seriously. Because of my ITP I wasn't allowed to go into sports much. In fact I was exempted from PE most of my life. With no innate athletic ability, whatever I have achieved on court is really a product of sheer determination, will power and practice.I know my coach len gets frustrated at me at times coz I can't hit the ball that well. I really admire her patience with me =) Here's what I can promise though, that even if I lack the skills and the power, I can make up for it with determination and will. I will not stop trying even if it kills me. Somehow my pain thresholds increases dramatically when I am playing.

So muscles may ache and my bones may become weary but I will still love this game-- a game that brought me not only achievements I've never thought I'd ever accomplish but also great friends that I will treasure for the rest of my life

Monday Mornings

Its another monday morning.. Start of another week,start of another adventure..

I wonder what will happen this week.

Survey TIme

Kakulitan lang...

Surbey
1. AN0 TAWAG SAYO NG MGA KAIBIGAN MO?
Hazel or Jaime (pronounced as "jaymee").

2. LAGI MONG GINAGAWA?
Work, play badminton, play badminton, play badminton, internet, read, listen to music, eat.

3. NAG TUMBANG PRESO KA BA?-
of course! Pati langit lupa at touch ball.

4. PABORITO MONG KANTA SA NGAYON?
anything as long as hindi heavy metal.

5. KAPUSO O KAPAMILYA?
kung badminton ang usapan, kapamilya syempre.. Kung tv...depende sa palabas.

6. HULING NAPANOOD MO SA SINEHAN?-
Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Batman Begins

7. AYAW MO SA TAONG...
Plastic, bwiset, backstabbers, mahangin

8. FAVORITE RESTO MO?
Kitaro, Superbowl of China, sige na nga Bonfire grill! hehehe
Any resto will do basta masarap!

9. SAN KA NAPADPAD NUNG NAKARAANG LINGGO?-
Friday I was in Shuttlesbest playing. Saturday, nilakbay ko ang Malate tapos pumunta ng SB. Then hang out sa house ni Len.

11. PABORITO MONG LAPIS?
Mongol.

12. BOLPEN?
Yung cute na purple pen sa national. Cheap na maganda pa.

13. KAPAG MAY KASAMA KANG UMIIYAK ANONG GAGAWIN MO?-
I try to comfort the person and just listen to him/her. Be there and be a friend

14. EH PAG TUMATAWA?
Nakikitawa din. Kahit di ko nagets nakikitawa pa din! hehehe

15. NAKARATING KA NA BA SA MENTAL HOSPITAL?
Yup! trabaho ko yon eh.

16. ANONG NARARAMDAMAN MO KAPAG KAHARAP MO CRUSH MO?-
Hmm... ano nga ba? Observe me na lang. That is kung alam mo kung sino siya! hahaha

17. MADALAS MONG KAUSAP SA PHONE?
Si Ella

18. MAHILIG KA BA SA TAONG SELOSO/SELOSA?
Don't think so.

19.ANO/SINO ANG NASA ISIP MO SA NGAYON?
Secret!!!!... ano kaya ang kakainin ko mamaya?

20. GANO KA MAGMAHAL? Please refer to my previous blog entry. hehehe. kidding aside, we all do stupid things in the name of love. I may have had pathetic attempts at it but at least I know I loved with my heart. =)

Wandering

We are wanderers in this journey of life.

Sometimes I ask myself what is the purpose of my life. Why am I here? And what I am meant to be? Sometimes the answers come clear to me (just like in that email survey. =P) but most of the time I still wonder, who am I meant to be?

I know I've accomplished a lot and I've been through a lot. Been through hell and back and back to hell and back again countless of times. I've cried, I've laughed, felt loved and gave love. I've lived. Yet I know there's something more out there. Has to be.

Last night I was talking to my friends and someone told me that I don't really have a say about relationships for the reason I've never been in one (ouch!). Yeah I know but it doesnt mean I've never loved. Some question my ideal optimism at times and they say its textbook. I don't know and I beg to disagree.

What I do know is that I know what its like to love and lose someone and learn to pick yourself up again. I've been a trooper in this relationship circle. I will admit that I don't know a lot of things when it comes to love relationships (I'm pathetic at mine!) but it doesnt mean I dont try. And to correct the notion that I am picky and I intimidate the men in my life- I do not (not intentionally that is). This is me. I have loved (unfortunately, more often, was not requited) and I have turned away those I know I don't have feelings for (honesty is the best policy)..

Underneath all these achievement hoolahbalooh is just an ordinary girl (narinig ko na ata to!hehe!). And that there are some things that really matter to me more than people actually know.

I'd like to believe that true love still exists. And that no matter how jaded the world has become, I'd like to believe in that truth. Call me eternally optimistic or even a crazy little girl but I'd rather believe in that one craziness that spend my life thinking that things will never work out.

****

why do you mean so much to me? what made you matter?
ewan.

Hanging Thoughts

Been having a series of hanging dreams lately-- you know those type of dreams that just when youre about to get to the good part or the ending of the story, you wake up? Kaasar! And you can't go back to the dream again so you're left just like that--hanging. Last night I had a hanging dream again. It was a continuation of a previous dream the week before, then just as I was finally about to get to the ending, boom! I wake up! Inis! hehehe.

If we are to go psychological, one could say that dreams are methapors for events happening in our lives. I guess it does hold true for me. A lot of things have been just like that lately--hanging. I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. If I'm ready to answer the hangings or not. A lot of maybe's and what if's lately.

Life is like that sometimes. "You may never get the answers you want. But it doesn't mean you don't go looking for the answers though, does it?" ("Cady", Lost and Found)

Will I ever know? Or rather will I ever find the guts to find out?

Ewan

Something to think about

Got this message from a friend thru text... "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end...How would you feel if you loved without thought of it all ending, if you gave yourself fully to the experience of love without the jaded outlook of an adult? There lies the magic of first love."

If life could only be that simple. =P

goodbye lola paz

Lola Paz passed away at 12nn today. One more brave soul moving on to the next life. She will be missed but she will also be remembered well.

Long day is over

Have you ever had a day when you feel so tired at the end of it yet you know you havent really accomplished much? That's how I feel today. This morning I was telling myself that I had so much to do-- yet couldnt find the spirit to start what needs to be done. Now that the day is over, Im feeling tired yet at the same time I know I didnt do so much. Weird! =)

Saw Mr. & Mrs Smith. Sat in between two couples. Felt like a chaperone, fortunately I didnt know them. hahaha. Was there all by myself. Mixed feelings about the movie. Don't know if I like it and I dont know if I don't. Something's just missing in the movie I guess. I just don't know what.

Somehow not playing badminton for two days leaves a feeling of weirdness. Addict. hahaha

Things to Do

I know I have a lot to do today but I can't seem to get started on any of them. Was late for class (fortunately, my prof was also late!) and my photouploading seems to be taking forever.. I did accomplish one important thing today-- I finally submitted the first two chapters of my dissertation proposal to my adviser.

Dont want to think anymore for today. If only that was possible.

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Spent the entire day just lazing around the house. Got some much needed shuteye to recover from two days of early morning habits. How I wish everyday would be a sunday like this =)

Had a great game yesterday on court. I don't know which was more tiring-- playing a hard game of badminton or laughing our hearts out on court? Not to mention the hours we spent just sitting around and chatting. Our saturday habit was complete yesterday-- great play, good food (pancit molo and tuna belly) and great friends. What more could you ask for?

Thomas Wayne told his son Bruce that we fall because we have to learn to pick ourselves up. How I wish that life was that simple.

When we were kids, we do that--we fall then we pick ourselves up. Sure, we cry a bit, run to mommy, but afterwards were ready to play once more. Life was simple then. But as one gets older (not necessarily wiser) the act of falling and picking yourself becomes a bit complicated. Perhaps its because falling is not part of play anymore, but part of some of life's harshest realities. Losing precious objects, failing at a certain task, or losing someone can sometimes be too hard to bear.

I used to think I was fearless and that I could face any storm. Now I know better. I have to admit that I get scared too. Mind you I do a lot of daring things. Ask my friends and they tell you how I can do the gutsiest things without batting an eyelash. But in some ways Ive also turned into been more risk averse..I guess there are simply some things that are too precious for me to risk. Maybe I've turned into a chicken or maybe I'm simply afraid that if I fall this time, I might not have the heart to pick myself up again. My heart has simply been bruised and battered so many times in the past. While I have endured, I know that there are some things I am now more wary of. Part of growing up and growing old I guess. And I find it sad. Sad because I once promised that I will not lose that optimism in me. I hope it's still there somewhere, waiting for me to reach out again.

I wish I could go back to the childhood days of playing and falling again. Maybe we all need to learn that-- learning to pick ourselves up when we fall. And even if no one catches us eventually, we have that inherent trust that things will turn out okay.

I hope that the next time I fall, I have the courage to do what Thomas Wayne said-- learn to pick myself up.

****

But talking about the movie-- the movie rocks.. Batman Begins is the best Batman so far. Loved the story and loved Christian Bale. Batman finally gets a soul.

anonymous comment

to answer your question.... ewan din! =P Dont think I am ready to know the answer yet to whatever questions I have brewing inside. Di pa ko handa bumalik sa thinking mode-- summer break pa ang brain ko. Or maybe I don't want to know the answers yet.

diba life is one big ewan at times? =)

As the saying goes, in his time... it will come... the answers will come. For now, ewan na lang.

Loving Fridays again

I remember last sem when I stopped loving fridays.. Now fridays are jolly days again. I may have class but I dont have to wake up super early anymore because I dont need to be in school till lunch time. =)

Feeling sleepy. Training yesterday drained my energy. I had to pretend to be "awake" during our homeowners meeting and i had to pinch myself so often so I wont doze off to sleep.

Back to reality

Back to school, back to reality. I'm just not sure if Im in the school mode yet. Hangover of summer I guess. Trying to jumpstart my brain into the thinking mode again. Have one tough year ahead of me with internship and dissertation along with work and not to mention badminton to keep me sane. Still trying to work out my sched and trying to figure out how do i lead a balanced life despite the hectic pace of my activities. Yesterday I tried coffee for the 11th time in my life and it caused me heart palpitations and tremors. Don't think I can do that again.

One more year. March 25, 2006 is freedom day.

some random morning thoughts

what if?
Ewan

Some things are just better left unanswered for now

»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´»§
And there we were, in a kind of harmony; and the evening was so beautiful,
that it made apain in my heart, as when you cannot tellwhether you are
happy or sad; and I thoughtthat if I could have a wish, it would be that
nothing would ever change, and we could stay that
way forever... -Margaret Atwood "Alias Grace"
»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´»§

Enjoying the last weekend of freedom

My friends

Pamilya Badminton 4 Winners

Fruitful Weekend

Had a very eventful weekend.. Friday night was inuman night at the house with badminton buddies from Shuttlesbest to celebrate the end of comps. Cooked dinner for my closest buddies and had a great time laughing together and getting drunk. Star of night si Macre who will be now forever known as the one who said "Macre is a girl!" Karen's kitchen antics will also be forever remembered along with the great CR adventures of George and Mark...

Thanks Peter, Ella, Mike, Mae, Raul, Mark, Macre, George, Len, Emerson, Tito noel, tita nel, kei, RB,Tey, and Karen. =) Comps would have been such a dreadful experience without your support.

Saturday continued the adventure as I found myself stuck in UN avenue after my car became "pawis steering" instead of power steering. The power steering cable got anihilated along the way to Manila. 3 hours of Eat Bulaga was the price to pay while waiting for Shell UN Ave to fix my car. Pure torture according to Ves... By 6pm I was off to court (addicts!) to play with the gang despite our 2am sleeping time that morning. Fun games turned a bit sour when a sourgraper started acting up on court. But as tito would say, "si ______ yon! dont stoop to his level!" Binawi na lang sa kain sa bonfire. Sisig and nilaga! yummy!

Sunday was the best. May talent pala si Macre sa singing! hehehe. Pamilya Badminton Round 4 was the event of the weekend. Partnered with Mike (liit) and had a thrilling 3rd place finish against tough opponents Mae and Luis. My partner was the best-- powering our comeback from a 2-12 deficit to win the second set 15-12. Thanks partner!!! Decided to share the glory with Mae and Luis after major cramps kept stopping our game in the third set. It was one great fight. Up to now I'm still dead tired. Best game was against Luis and Mae. Scariest game was against partner Peter (and his famous game face). The shuttlecock was literally shaking when I was serving against my favorite partner.Took over 300 pictures..The champions? Sino pa eh di si mike and macre (Bullies! nang loveset!). Intermission number nga lang daw sila according to Mark.

Dinner at Bonfire and videoke at planet after the games. Macre is the new corrs superstar while peter is ric segretto's new prodigy . Mae is the topnotcher-- pwede ng maging VJ Mae (may kwento lahat ng playlist niya). Ella's picture was the best and bossing mike remains undisputedly the super star of videoke. As for me, taga alaska. hahaha. Buti di pikon si partner (peace tayo partner ha!)Took 2 hours to say goodbye to the folks (bakit kaya?hmmm... sino ba kasi yung uwing uwi na na di makasegway ng uwi?Sino nga ba?!=P) nga lang.. By the time I slept, I realized that it was already Monday and it was the last day of summer vacation.

Tomorrow its back to reality.

Hectic Wednesday

Doing some major testing today. And it looks like Im gonna be in here for long time. One of my client is answering a 600 item questionnaire and one hour after she started, she's still in item 125. Thank God there's a computer nearby.

My knee hurts from badminton last night. Major running was done that stressed me out. It was one of those days when shots seem to be out of sync and I can't seem to get past the net. hahaha. Frustrating a bit but you just learn to live and let go. As a friend of mine says, "may mga araw talagang ganyan.."

My sister just learned that she's the class topnotcher! wow! My sister, the nerd. hahaha. But kidding aside, she's the one person in this world whom I know can master any amount of paperwork, information and tons of readings without battling an eyelash.The only one who can find the discipline to study even during christmas day and who can make herself stop watching her favorite show so she can read her notes. Idol.

Dinner

SB closed early today. Had dinner with the guys instead. Yummy butter chicken and sizzling tadyang from papa jeks. Even the mango masaker was good.Why was it called mango masaker I really have no idea... diet destroyed but what the heck. It was worth it. The rains started again but it was still okay. ...Somehow we seemed to love the color blue that the four of us were all wearing it--we looked like a boy band from the great somewhere...

I like nights like these.Simple but fun. Good food, good company. What more can you ask for?

The ultimate sign of badminton addiction-- when you begin to worry what will happen to the court when the rains come. Sana kasi di na binabaha ang shuttlesbest. Wish ko lang....It has been like the second home to us the past year (di ba bossing mike, and peter?hehehe) and I can't seem to imagine days without my daily fix of just hanging around the court.

***
Happy birthday to you whereever you are even if you chose to forget me. Despite everything I honestly wish you well.

Rainbows after the rains...

I passed my comprehensive exams. Somehow the additional letters to my last name seem so surreal when the news finally came. I was actually on court, playing my sanity game (badminton) when I received the news. And when I called to confirm if I indeed passed, it felt if a huge burden was taken off my back. For several days, I was in limbo trying to calm my restless spirit who every so often would ask myself whether I passed or not. For someone whose comps motto was "failure is not an option," it was indeed one nerve wracking experience. The agony of waiting was simply so great.

The comps made me realize one very important thing-- that I have so much to be thankful for. And that words will never be enough to thank all those who gave me their support through the weeks of hell called comps. I'd probably need an entire blog account just to thank everyone who touched my spirit and prayed with me.

Peter, Mike, & Emerson, (tatlong pasaway who took time out to spend the great day with me last friday); Len, Pamilya Badminton (Tita Nel, Tito Noel, RB and Kei), Luis, Mga marekoys Jeanette and Joy, parekoy patrick, karen, p10, cara, mommy, ves, ces, greatness oliver, joven, phen, tita sansu, my psy 101 A summer class, chin, bambi and obeng (my MA compstudy gang cheerers) and so many others I failed to mention.-- salamat

And to Ella, who has been with me throughout the ups and downs and craziness of life. The only one who truly knows the insides of my soul. Sana nga magkatotoo na ang mission mo sa kin. =)

And to those who made life a bit simpler for me and even those who made some days really miserable, salamat pa din.

In my MA thesis I wrote the following words and I am writing them once again-- "Believe in your power to create miracles.Thank you for the gift of love."

nostalgic

A student of mine asked me yesterday how I was. He was referring to my past posting here. I told him i was okay. It may come as a surprise (?) to some but I really am okay. Im a trooper and I've always landed on my two feet. When you've been through some really tough storms, little typhoons do not rile you anymore. Sure it was kinda hurtful at that time but I've learned to take things in stride. Life is too short to spend it wallowing on pity--especially self pity.

Today would have been the 30th anniversary of two good friends of mine. But as they say, sometimes things are just not meant to work out.

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns when you get to much..
...so you plant your own garden, decorate your own soul.... and with every goodbye you learn..

With every Goodbye you learn

happenings

A lot of happenings the past few days both happy and sad.. Powerade 2 finally ended and my friends won. It was a blast cheering for Len (my coach!) and macre, peter and mike, mae and joy, rodel & mark and the rest of the SB gang who joined the games. Nearly lost my voice shouting, and nearly anihilated mae's fingers while jumping (sorry mare!!!)

On a sad note, saw two special people got hurt--My sister got held up and a friend got hurt as well. To quote chin, may the "bad people rot in hell." Wish I could do something about it though. But I can't. We can't all be superheroes.

Back to happy notes, R and R at the office yesterday. We went to Forrest club. It's been years since I've been on a hotspring. And mind you, was it hot! It was hard to stay in the pool for a long period of time. But the place was nice. It was quiet and peaceful and lots of yummy food to eat.

Now if only comps results will finally arrive... The waiting continues.

The Song I Sing

Been singing this song since the other day... I thought the message was simply beautiful.

It's been a long and winding journey, but I’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when I look into your eyes...
My dreams came true, when I found you
I found you, my miracle...
If you could see, what I see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

-Angels brought me here by Guy Sebastian

slow day

First day of vacation and i spent it infront of the tv watching carrie underwood win the american idol season 4. I cried when she was finally declared the winner.She deserved it in my book. Although Bo was also good, I thought she sang her heart out more yesterday.

No badminton today for a change. It feels kinda weird. I guess I got used to being on court all the time. My mom asked me this morning what my plans are coz I seem to take the game so seriously. Di ko naman kinacareer.. It's just I enjoy it so much and it helps me cope with all the pressures of school, work and my ITP. Keeps me sane. Truly.

I wonder when will comps come out...

close call

Just came from my doctor today. Had a close call. My platelet count stands at 185,000. Its down from 250,000 last month. I guess the stress of comps and the tourneys along with all other issues finally got to me. Even my weight plummeted by 6 Ibs. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when the results came normal despite going down by nearly 70,000. It was a close call but it worked out nonetheless. For that I am grateful.

Had a scare last week when a great big bruise showed up for no reason on my right leg. I may not look like it, but it sure did rattle my spirit. It's been 2 years already since I relapsed and I'm almost on the way to remission. I just don't want to lose it at this point when I'm so close to getting better. It's not only about the cost of maintaining my drugs but also the toll it has taken on my spirit. Living in chronic limbo the past two years has rocked my world.

So i guess i got a lot to be thankful for despite everything. I'm still here. And I'm still normal. My meds has been cut down again. If I can maintain the count for another month, I get to be tapered off once more. To be finally medicine free would be such a bliss.

A parent of another patient asked me this morning, what was it like when I first got sick. Her son was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. And he's just 5 years old. I told her, I could barely remember. I was only 4 then. And all my life that's all I've ever known. I don't even know what its like not to have my ITP. I guess it must be scary for her. But I saw she had so much hope that I really believe that things will work out for her baby.

"Belief is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen."


****

Despite everything I am thankful to you.. For bringing back the songs to my life. no regrets. I wish you well.

And Im thankful for great friends who were sent to me from heaven even if I tend to forget them at times.

Today I decided to...

Today I decided to have a haircut. Wala lang. Just to have a brand new start.People say that to know when someone is feeling blue check if they took a trip to the beauty parlor. True... A good haircut can always cure the blues.

Today I decided to change my phone lines.. New life din. It's time to get rid of the old and let in the new. They say when God closes a door, he will always open a window. Now that I feel that a certain door is closing, I'd like to pave the way for the opening of the windows. Hey maybe its the roof that will open this time. hahaha.. So if you're my friend, expect a message from me soon..

Today I decided to eat out and have fun.. Yummy lunch out with weevens and oliver sure made my day. Instead of boring old cafeteria food, I got to eat gindara fish in bento box along with polvoron looking (but tasty) tofu crunch. It was great laughing with the guys especially Weeven's stories about "sushi" and "asukal"

Today I decided not to think about you much.. I just don't know if it worked but I sure did try.

Today I decided I do not want to get hurt. Because today I decided I wanted to be happy. And I tried. And I will continue to try.

I'll be okay.

The dreamer speaks

I busied myself today with work. Didnt want to think about things that have no answers. Was I successful? Dont know. There were moments that I'd lapse into moments of silence and find myself wondering again. Then I'd push myself to wake up and resume the things that needs to be done.

I take comfort in thinking. My best friend tells me I think too much. 24 years of school does that to you I guess. But in times like these, I know thinking will just drive me nuts. After all, my questions have no answers-- for the moment at least.

Part of living is learning to live with lost control. My ITP taught me that. I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that not all things can be planned.

Will you ever answer my questions? Or will I be forever left wondering why?

Dazed & Confused

"I was afraid this time would come..."

I don't understand sometimes why I never get used to this "script" in life. Maybe because I hope that every time it happens things would change. I don't know, call it naivette or stupidity but I'd like to think that each beggining is filled with hope. Somehow something just happens that it get screwed along the way.

One of the boys. Will that be my forever role?

Or maybe I just think too much.

Maybe.

confused

I've been through this script before-- when the "other" strikes the balance. Yet I cant help but wonder why I'm still going through it at all. At the start of any relationship, you find yourself hoping and telling yourself that maybe this is it. You go through the process of the whole dating script/schema (or whatever cognitive concept you wish to call it). Then the bubble bursts. Or maybe you're just being paranoid. SOmetimes we tend to complicate things. I dont know why I do it but I do. I'm human and I'm shinky. This is shinky-ness at its finest.

My bestfriend tells me I should not attempt to understand at all. Maybe I should do that. Still have a lot more important things to think about. Or so I believe.

So why go through it all? Why bother when you'd end up getting yourself shinky anyway? Simple-- because by going through it, you open yourself to the chance of opening new doors. And perhaps more simply put--because by going through it, I find myself singing more and more everyday-something I seem to have forgotten for quite sometime now.

And that to me is bliss.

For that I am grateful to you.

The waiting game...

Comps is finally over. Now the waiting begins. Results are to come out in 3 to 4 weeks time. Hopefully I have something to celebrate this june. Thanks to all those who prayed and who continues to pray for me.

The most arduous part about waiting is the feeling of limbo it leaves you. And you ask yourself endlessly why and when and how. Questions that will never be fully answered until the right time comes. Am I still talking about comps? Dont really know.Maybe, maybe not.. I'm rabbling my thoughts here. That's all. Masyado pang maaga para magisip ng mga bagay bagay. Hahahaha.

Still I cant help but wonder.. When will the waiting end?

Thoughts of nervous wreck

I dont think the title of my blog is apt for me today. Less than 24 hours before I take my comprehensive exams, I am a walking nervous wreck. After 24 years of studying, this is it-- my FINAL EXAM. The last one I have to take for life. And I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I know I should not be too tense. After all, I've been here before. I've taken the comps before during my MA days. And it shouldnt be something totally alien to me. Yet, the nagging feeling of not knowing what to expect is still there. And I can't help but hope and pray that soon this will all be over. Part of the pressure I guess is the knowledge that a lot of people are banking on me to do good. I wish I could live up to the expectation. Today is the day i need to harness all the self efficacy and self esteem beliefs I have so that I can truly believe in myself. Thank God for great friends who have been cheering along the way.If not for them, I'd probably be headed for Mandaluyong today. =P

Here's how I've been out of sync lately-- in three weeks I've had three badminton related injuries. I injured my finger in the left hand when my friend accidentally hit it during a game. Then a week later, another friend smashed his racket to my right wrist (fortunately it hit my racket first and did not cause a fracture) leaving a big bruise. Then last wednesday, I fell badly on court and scraped my knee badly. Talk about lack of grace and embarassment. But more than that, it HURTS!! Up to now I can still barely walk. I have to limp when i go up and down the stairs coz the wound is still open. And worse of all, I have to attend a wedding on sunday. Talk about an unsightly accessory.

Before I sound like a total klutz on court, I do think that my "nawawala sa sarili" moments are linked to the dreaded comps. I've been too distracted.. Yesterday my tooth hurts badly and i realized it was totally psychosomatic. A psychologist having conversion reactions?! what a joke! hahaha. Well i guess it just proves that before being a psychologist, IM ALSO HUMAN

I once wrote in my thesis "believe in your power to create miracles". I hope that miracle will work for me tomorrow.

reviewing.. well almost

One week and one day before the much awaited comps, I'm still jumpstarting my review. It's hard to try and recall two years of grad school work in a span of weeks. It's even harder when some subjects were taken up as far as 2001! My long term memory has been overextended already.

Calatagan was great-- for one whole day I actually forgot the time and enjoyed what I was doing-- even if it involved statistica and SPSS. Cha is right, the place makes the day a little bit longer.

My mom and my sister are keeping a comps countdown on me.. I wish May 7 and 14 would just fly by. Pwede kayang matulog at gumising na tapos na ang May 14? hehehe. =)

Now if only I would stop thinking about things that I shouldnt be worrying about and worry about things that are indeed worth thinking of...

three weeks to go

Three weeks to go before the dreaded comps... Part of me wants to get it over and done with while a bigger part of me does not want it to come. Pre-test anxiety is driving everyone nuts. My sister keeps telling me to study and my mom keeps a running count on the number of days left before May 7 and 14. Talk about added pressure. =)

I know I shouldnt be too anxious for I've been through this before. Still... it's nerve wracking..miss my orig comps study group buddies (aka the starbucks gang)... obs, chin, bambi, & tamie wish you guys were here.

okay back to work

blooperfilled tournament and great friends

Last saturday was my most blooperfilled tournament ever... Try playing badminton and realizing that you forgot your shoes! hahaha. So embarassing. Thank God for great friends who are willing to rescue me from my katangahan. Thank you again Peter!! =) lifesaver ka!

Forgetting my shoes was not the end of it. The day before my level got dissolved leaving me with almost no tournament. Had to find a new partner the last minute to play at a different level and practiced the last minute as well. Fortunately the tandem worked and we made it to finals. =) So many other bloopers not worth mentioning here anymore but I just thank the heavens for a great tournament. Thanks partner Marie!

One thing I learned from all these-- I am loved by friends. And that is the most endearing experience in life-- knowing that people really care for you. And that when things go really really wrong, friends would make the rainbow shine again.

summer comps

less than three weeks from now i will embark on the biggest exam of my life. aka-- the dreaded comps. i think my anxiety level has gone three notches up along with my defense mechanisms! hahaha! Im in a perpetual denial that i should study.

SEM sounds so alien along with so many concepts i've forgoten along the way. i just hope i remember them in time.

Questions that has no answer

I hate the feeling of being in limbo. Of not knowing why and how? Of thinking of maybe's and what ifs? And I am left wondering where in the world do I find the answer? I want to know why and answer all my querries but I am left asking myself these useless questions. And I wonder, am I ready to hear the answer to my question?

So I remain wondering.. and wondering.. Will I ever know?

Burned

I burned myself yesterday by accident. I was trying to reach something on top of our stove and got too close to the frying pan top and viola, I burned my stomach. It was the most painful thing imaginable. Fortunately I didnt lose hold of the bowl Iwas holding at that moment. Now I have a scar that looks like the design of our frying pan top. Branded by a frying pan. How nice.

Had to play with a bandage on my stomach since it was quite painful still. With my ITP, my wounds tend to heal a little bit slower that most people. So I had to be quite careful yesterday. But of course no one could drag me away from the badminton courts. So despite the pain, I played and trained pa din. =)

Road trip today... Subic here we come!

Summertime

I love Summer Vacations! No matter how short they are, its still a much awaited period of the year--when you can bum around and just do absolutely NOTHING. Summer vacations means going to the beach and not think for once of homeworks, quizzes and exams. Summer vacation also means no traffic in katipunan and being able to get around in half the time. However summer also means heat and yesterday was one of the worst. Sitting under the tree in Ortigas while waiting for my mom was pure torture especially when it was 12nn. By the time we got to Megamall, I was ready to run for the showers and just immerse myself in water.

Summer vacation also mean badminton play all you can. With all the time to spare, I can play any time I want to. Last tuesday we played for 10 hours. The Pamilya Badminton Mixed Invitational was a pure blast. I still feel the pains of play till now but it was all well worth it. Kudos to mike and may for being such a formidable pair to play against. But most especially I have to thank Peter, my partner, who was all over the court and got me to my first finals game. =)

I wish summer vacation would not end. =) Pero siyempre, like anything else, all good things must come to an end. So I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

35 days to comps. The countdown begins.

One day more...and beer drinking

One day more and its finally vacation from school. I can't wait. Although Im still swamped with papers to check, I still look forward to tomorrow, when my life as a student ends. Its hard to juggle work and school especially during these times of finals and grade deadlines. As much as you want to finish everything on time, you simply can't.

I'm in a perpetual denial of things to be done. Cramming at its finest ika nga. hehehehe. Was out last night with some new friends. We drank beer and forgot for a few hours that at home, piles and piles of papers and reading materials are waiting for us.

Trained as well for badminton and ran all over the court the entire afternoon. Even got smacked with a basketball in my face during training (reminded me so much of my ill-fated PE days in UP where I nearly flunked basketball PE). Was on court for 6 hours and played countless of games. And as expected I feel like a bulldozer has run over me. But it feels great. Yesterday morning I was already feverish and about to come down with colds. Today, my fever is gone and my colds are just down to tiny sneezes.

okay so back to work... time to finally get serious. =)

Lessons learned from the court...

Yesterday I saw the difference between champions and nonchampions. In the end, its not the skill you know that makes the big difference as to whether you will win or not-- its the heart. Playing takes more than skill (but still very important) but endurance and the heart to win the game also matter a lot. I guess it takes some sort of game maturity to gain that heart to win. And that is what makes champions champions-- they have the skill and the will to win the game and stay focused on their goals till the end.

I saw so many heroes on court yesterday-- people who despite challenges remain focused to the task. One player struck me because he only had one viable arm and limped in court. Yet he was so good and played his heart out. It made me realize how disabilities cannot hamper you from reaching for the stars as long as you claim your place among the heavens. How many of us actually do that?

My friends lost their quest for a championship in a 3 set decision game last night. It was a well fought game. And in the end it didnt matter if they ended up runner ups or champions because they played the game till the very end.

My good friend told me the other day (after losing badly in a game) to "learn from mistakes and focus on the next game." So I guess its back to practice for me.

Till the next game..

Ouch.. Massacred..

We got massacred at the powerade tournament today. Ouch. Haaayy... Kala ko pa naman tapos na ang mga araw na uuwi ako ng luhaan from the courts. After two successive good tournaments I was quite positive about this one. Unfortunately we failed to deliver. Sayang. Tried our best pero it was not good enough.

Back to the drawing boards. More practice. As a friend said once, "we only appreciate the victory after we learn the bitterness of losing..." Great thoughts. I just wish losing doesnt hurt that much. =)

one day more....

Tomorrow is the biggest days in the lives of five students in research sem 2. It's defense day! Sana we can just skip wednesday muna. Wish!

I apologize to all that I have neglected in the course of this past 2 weeks. After tomorrow, things will be back to normal.. konti... until deadlines next week. =)

Hell week

This week is considered hell week by most people in the academe. Imagine all last minute exams, last minute checkings, reportings, etc are all crammed in the next 5 days. For me, it boils down to one big event-- Dissertation Proposal defense. If I survive wednesday, I'm the happiest girl on earth. I'm not even thinking of the Powerade Tourney muna which is slated this saturday and sunday.

To all the crammers in the world, goodluck to us!!

Two years

It has been two years since I had my fourth ITP relapse. I can't believe how fast time flew by. My relapse came after a month of never ending health crises ranging from UTI to food poisoning. I guess I should have seen it coming with the stress of the previous year and all. But nonetheless, I was never completely prepared.

Now two years later I'm ALMOST back to normal. I look normal. My platelet count has been normal for more than a year already. But I'm still under medication. I still go to the doctor every month to have my blood tested and platelets monitored. Tonight I got quite a scare when a cut would not heal. I cut my finger early this morning and until now, it continues to bleed intermitently.

Wednesday's blood test is a big test for me. It will decide my fate with my meds. A good platelet count would mean I'm on track for remission again and my meds will be lowered and eventually tapered off. Sana..

the night before

Videoke and drinking session with 3 great friends made EDSA 2005 a good holiday. Never have I seen peter and aldwin sing so much in one night. hahaha. It was fun bonding with great friends. Nakikita ang mga hidden talents of people.

Winning moments? Aldwin's magic tricks and "tubig ba to?" incident.. Ella's one hour telebabad... Peter's renditions of earth wind and fire songs that earned him best songer of the night... and my luck at random song selections that included "lodi" and "santa clause is coming to town."

pizza, beer, videoke and friends... great combination

p10

I just had a small reunion dinner/get together with some of my oldest and dearest friends. The P10 girls got together tonight-- 6 of us that is. I realized that we have been friends for over 20 years now. Some of them were my classmates since prep. We realized tonight how were finally growing up. Before when you serve food on the table, it will be gone in no time. Today, we barely made a dent to or feast of isaw, pasta, barbecue, mango cream pie, salad and choco mallow pie. And the ultimate sign of growing up? You start taking out food to go as "pasalubong" for husbands, boyfriends and other family members. =)

We reminisced about memories of growing up and how weve managed to keep our sanities and friendships intact through the years. We took never ending pictures (me and my body parts; jai the ever camera shy;divina the reluctant cream pie model;tetet's isaw poses;kim's forever photographer ako smile; and mariel's never ending self poses on my cellphone's camera for mms). It was great being with the girls again ( ay i forgot-- may boy pala-- the honorary p10 member jethro who mesmerized "martha" and gained a new soulmate)

Too many things to be grateful for--Mariel's new love, tetet's never ending tradition (hmmm..sana last na to), jai's new job, and so much more. I do wish we could have more of these things. And sana next time we finally push through with all our plans--especially kim's never ending plan (but never done) to play badminton.

Friends forever