Victory at Powerade

They say that the third try is always the charm. We proved that right last sunday when after 3 tries and 3 different partners at powerade, I finally emerged victorious and won the level 8 women's doubles championship. It was one tournament I'll never forget. After all, it was the first time I qualified beyond the elimination round. The first time I joined powerade last march, I suffered a heartbreaking 0-3 win loss card. During the second powerade, my partner Marie and I improved my standing to 1-2. Unfortunately, pressure and better teams got to us. Now for the third edition of powerade, I teamed up with Taryn and finally emerged victorious--champs at last.

Our first game was an easy one. We easily defeated our foes 21-5. The second game was scary-- we lost a 10 point lead to trail 16-13. We had a lot of errors that our opponents took advantage of.

Fortunately for us, we were able to regroup in the end and managed to squeeze in victory at 21-19. The last elims match was another easy win. We went up against my perpetual groupmate Bing and her new partner Match. We won easily 21-6. From the semis till the finals, I think I was in a perpetual daze. I kept on throwing up in between games due to tension. I forced myself to eat endless bananas to keep my strength up. Peter sized up our semis match and told us we were up against a strong team. True enough, they were both masipag on court and nearly killed us with their crosscourt drops. Taryn was on that game and proved to be one hell of a partner when she took control of the game for us. We won and found ourselves on our second trip to the finals.
The round robin finals pitted us against my old partner Marie and Binky and another pair of ladies. We went up against Marie and Binky in the first round in a thrilling 3 set match that lasted for 1 hour and 20 minutes. Taryn and I lost the first set 12-15 but came back in the second set 15-5. It was such a thrilling match. We were running all over the court and only our will power and peter's cheers kept us going all throughout. Binky and Marie had a band of cheerers but partner Peter did his one man show for us. He gamely cheered and coached us during the match. Len also arrived in time to give us game tips. Honestly, I was lost by then. I even took a nasty fall on court. But Taryn, Peter, and Len kept me going.

During the third set, Binky collided with Marie and destroyed her racket in the process. We took advantage (it was a tournament after all) and captured the match 15-9. I was screaming all over the court with joy when we were declared winners. My hand was shaking when I signed the umpire's score sheet. Afterwards I just sat in the line man's corner and wept my heart out. Len went up to me afterwards to congratulate me.
It was heartbreaking at the same time heartwarming. I was so happy with my victory yet at the same time sad because I took victory away from my own friend and moreso my own partner. Marie was my first successful partnership and we have good chemisty. Taryn and I used to be opponents in fact. But now were the new partners. If there were some way for us to share the championship, I would have gladly chosen that

Our last finals match was an easy win compared to our game against Marie and Binky. We easily defeated our foes in straight set victories. The crowd was long gone by then. Only Peter, lory, Chenai and Malen were there.Our other friends were now concentrated on Len and Macre's own championship game (my amigas also won the championship for level 4). And thus at 6:30pm last sunday, we were officially declared champions.

Last sunday I went to olympic to play badminton. I didnt know that I'd get to play the game of a lifetime. To win the championship in front of the most important people in my life will be a moment I shall cherish forever. And to win in front of one's coach is a moment I'd gladly repeat over and over again. Our more than 1 year of training finaly paid off. Victory never tasted so sweet.

The championship would not have been possible if not for these people-- they kept me going and believed in me even when I found it hard to believe in myself. And they taught me that dreams do come true if you believe hard enough and you go for it.

1. Peter-my one man cheering squad, water boy, coach, alalay, motivator, and friend rolled into one. He's always been there for me not only during the games but also in many ways possible. This one's for you partner.
2. Len-Whatever I know about badminton, I owe it to this lady--my coach and friend who believed in me and taught me that anything is possible if I work for it.
3. Taryn- My partner and friend. Galing mo talaga partner!!
4. Lory, chenai, malen, and our other cheerers (and jeerers)-- whether on or off court, you guys cheered us and pushed us to fight on. For the rest, thank you for challenging us to go beyond our capacities and believe in our dreams
5. Our opponents especially Marie and Binky-- for giving us the fight of our lives. Great game mga marekoy.
6. Karen,Mark, Macre, George & the Pamilya Badminton- For practicing with us and for believing in us.
7. Weevens- the one who got me stated into competing in badminton tournaments--truly world class ka senyorito.

and for the all the others who I failed to mention, Maraming Maraming Salamat.

A "Tire"ring Day

The magnet of bloopers strikes again. For the nth time, I was once again rescued by partner in another one of my would be classic bloopers. I went to Len's house to accompany her in grocery shopping for our upcoming Ilocos trip. Was out of sync the whole morning due to lack of sleep and Karen's ground breaking text message. Literally I was a walking zombie. Len and Raf were telling me that I was "windang" the entire time. Even Len's parents' in law noticed how I was out of my self. Who wouldn't be?

As I was leaving Riverbanks to go to Ateneo, I noticed that my car looked slightly different. True enough it was. I had a flat tire! Imagine my shock at seeing my front tire dead flat. My hangover completely disappeared. After 30 seconds of letting it all sink in, I called Len and told her about my wonderful blooper. Len in turned texted my resident super hero/rescuer-- sino pa eh di si Tommy este Peter pala. :) The -one- who- never- text responded so quickly to Len's text that Len wanted to have mass said in his honor. hehehe.

Len and I attempted to change the tire on our own while waiting for Peter. In principle I knew how to change a flat tire. I've assisted in one before (with my other car) but theory doesn't always work perfectly. A manong came by to help us because we really looked pathetic. When he asked for the jack, Len gave him the tire wrench. The look on his face was enough to drive me to fits of laughter.

The night before Ella, Aldwin, Peter and I were even having a discussion about our spare tires and how we've never used ours. I thought it was prophetic in a way--who would have thought that I'd end up using mine just the day after. My flat tire was the perfect ice breaker for Peter and I. I wasn't sure if he would want to talk to me again yesterday after what happened earlier that morning. But he came. And again I saw how he really took time to help me in another one of my classic scrapes. Too many to mention na the times he had to rescue me from my bloopers.

After changing my tire, he went with Len and I to the vulcanizing shop because it turned out my spare was also almost flat. By then it was already past 3pm and we were both color coded for the rest of the afternoon. He could not go home anymore so we ended up going to Len's place and chatting till past 10pm. Macre and Mark wanted to play badminton but ditched plans because of court problems. Macre was so kulit over the phone (no comment lang ang masasabi ko mare.hehehe) Our other set of friends-- Ella, Lyzet and Aldwin also wanted to go out for dinner but we declined. We were both quite tamad to leave our posts. As George mentioned before, mga fixtures na kayo dito sa garden! We feasted on cheeseburgers, cheeseroll, spanish bread, junk food and our favorite choco nuts. We had a grand time teasing each other to death with our never ending stories. I don't know how we do it but we never run out of stories to tell about each other despite seeing each other almost everyday. When George arrived, the two boys had a drinking session while Len and I were the gro's. By the time I noticed it, it was already 10pm.

What can I say? The day started with a bang and ended up in bliss. I was so lost in the morning because of the shocking things that happened and lack of sleep. I was really out of it. But life has a way of giving you lemonade after picking lemons. And I realized that no matter how bad things may seem, rainbows will always appear after the rains. And once again I am shown how much I am blessed with my friends. Peter and Len really took care of me yesterday. I will always be grateful for them.

Someday when I am old and I am asked by God if I had a happy life, I'd think about yesterday and gladly say yes. Life may not be always perfect but with wonderful people in my life, it's almost heaven.

Non Negotiables

Over my 6th beer at 3:00 am this morning, birthday boy Tojie grilled me on the complexities of my so called life. Cha and I were bitching about our current life stressor--thesis and dissertation along with the pressures of getting things done by march. Tojie asked why I keep on going when I could just walk away from my self imposed "shoulds and musts". But I wish it was just that simple. I told Tojie that in my life there are certain non negotiables. The first non negotiable is that I have to finish my phd. It's not a matter of me not being happy about it. I know that I'd never be happy if I don't. And even though I know that I am at a point in my life that I question the very reason why I am doing this, I know that at the heart of it all is that I know I want it. The desire is just getting lost amidst the stress. I always keep my promises. And 12 years ago, I made that promise to myself and my family that I'd finish my phd before I die. I am just fulfilling that promise.

Tojie asked why I make such an effort to make the people around me happy. Why can't I act as if I don't care?Simple lang-- that's not the way I am built. What makes me happy is to see the people I love happy. It doesn't really matter to me if I am happy personally but seeing them happy is enough for me. Call it martyrdom or even stupidity but that's the way I am. It may sound surreal but that is definitely me. I'd do anything to see the people I love happy especially my mom and sister. So even if it kills me, I'd do my best to give them their bliss.

The other non negotiable at present is my comfort zone- the reason why I continue to smile despite the stress of it. It may be perpetually hanging at the moment, but I'd rather have that "limbo" that not have anything at all.

I don't think I'm making much sense right now. Lack of sleep. Hangover from drinking last night. Happy birthday Antover! Dapat sinabi mo agad na birthday mo para we had a party!

With Psych People at the birthday celebration of Weevens at Azzuro Bistro Makati

Kakornihan...The math side of me

Browsing through Kath's blog led me to this site...

http://www.ilstu.edu/~gcramsey/Gallery.html

For the mathematicians and statisticians in us. I admit some of the jokes are really funny especially when you understand the language. Some samples..

Old statisticians never die they just become nonsignificant.

I'm not an outlier; I just haven't found my distribution yet!

Enjoy!
***

"My life is an experiment I never had a chance to properly design." -- Diana Ballard.

And Life Goes On..

I admit, the past couple of weeks have been a struggle for me both physically and emotionally. The last weeks of school was so hectic that I barely had time to even write here in my blog. Add that to the emotional rollercoaster that I've been going through. Not that I wasn't happy--most of the time I was and I still am. But still, it was one hell of a ride.

One thing I learned though is that no matter what happens or how stressful life may be, life goes on. Even if you don't want to at times, it does go on. And even though things don't look any clearer than the way they were several weeks ago, things eventually settled down to being okay once more. It took one pair of smiles. Babaw no? But that's me, mababaw lang ang kaligayahan.

Lost in a major tournament last week but I was still happy. It was my first mixed tournament outside of the ateneo circles and the pamilya badminton group. My partner was my favorite mixed partner-peter and we breezed through our first two elims. Unfortunately, a case of bad food combinations and hangover from george's birthday did us in the next day and we lost. No one's to blame. We both had our share of errors (lots of it). We're really partners I guess-- if one is playing good, the other one is playing good as well; pero pag bad game naman, pareho na bad game. hehehe.

So now its sem break for me, but I don't really feel it. Still have a lot of lose ends to tie up before I leave for Ilocos next week and Singapore the week after.The questions still remain for now. But as I said earlier, life has to go on.
***
:)

The last days of school

Been so busy the past week trying to get everything done. Don't even have time anymore to write here. It's been one crazy week--papers to check, things to do, kids dying, badminton practice--name it.

In a few days it will all be over. I can't wait.

Eclairs & Slides

Sometimes I wish life was a simple slide--you go up and down and just play around.

Sometimes I wish I could walk away from stress and just laze around the whole day.

Sometimes I wish I could simply forget and return to the old times when I didn't care.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit forever at sweet inspirations and eat all the eclairs I could get my hands on.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off feelings and just say to hell with everything.

Sometimes I wish life was simply simpler- when i didnt have a care in the world about you. I was okay naman then eh. Wasn't that happy but I was okay.

Pero, teka, kelan ko ba naman ginusto ang simple?

Ika nga ni Tojie at Cha, mga masochista kami eh.

The Perfect Guy

The search for love is often associated with riding a bus. You try various routes and bus lines until you find that perfect match. Sometimes you get to ride a nice airconditioned one, with all the perks that makes the ride great but sometimes the bus also breaks down and you find yourself changing a big flat tire. Or sometimes you just have to get down the bus and try something else.

And we wait for that one perfect bus to drive by.Or simply put--we wait for that perfect person to come into our lives. The great love who would rock our worlds and make us believe that happy endings do happen.

But in the course of my search for that one great love, I realized that there's no such thing as a perfect guy or a perfect match. In fact I don't think I'll ever meet him. No, I am not trying to be pessimistic but let's face it--Is there really a perfect person? Is there really someone out there who was made especially for you to make your world the perfect place?

Over late dinner yesterday I realized how perfection is achieved in the most imperfect packages. When you choose to love someone--you're choosing to LOVE that person just the way they are--perfections and imperfections included. He may actually drive you nuts but he also makes you perfectly happy. My two girlfriends Macre and Len were complaining about the weird antics of Mark and George--how they gross them out because of their weird behaviors. Yet despite that, I saw how my friends are perfectly happy with their imperfect guys. Peter and I were laughing all throughout their stories of George's car bomb explosions and Mark's fairy tale collection. My friends found their perfect match. I remember what Len told me once--that George never fails to make her laugh. While watching my two friends tease their guys to death, I found myself smiling--I'm happy for them and I wish that when my turn comes, I will also find myself perfectly content just like them.

In the movie The Perfect Man Chris Noth's character said that the perfect guy is someone who could be anywhere else in the world but chooses to be there with you because life is simply much better with you around. True. Last Friday, in the mids of my own existential anxieties and insecurities, I found myself remembering that. Sometimes I tend to doubt people especially when things don't exactly go as I planned them to be. It's a sad habit of mine but I am trying to get over it. When I remembered that line from the movie, I found myself feeling peace. He chose to be here right now and not somewhere else. And that is the only thing that matters. Love may not come in the package we idealize it to be but it is there. Sometimes we are just too blinded by our our ideals to see.

The Perfect guy does not exist. And I don't want him. I want someone who is real--someone who will drive me crazy and bug me out but will also make me feel that I am home; Someone who makes be both angry and happy and sad and joyful-- someone who will see that I am basically an ordinary person who lived an extraordinary life. Someone who will make me laugh with the most mundane statement like a whether a top is a trumpo is or whether or not a coke bottle will actually explode when we open it. Someone who is also imperfect like me.

The Perfect person is not someone who comes charging in a white horse out to rescue you from your evil stepmom and sisters. He is someone who comes slowly into your life that makes you feel that life is happy just because he is there. He is someone who makes you smile and makes you feel that it's okay to be imperfect and you don't have to be strong all the time. He is someone whom you choose to love not because he is perfect but because he is not yet you choose him still. He is someone whom you would see at his grossest moment yet you find yourself sticking it out. Likewise, when he sees you commit the most stupid blooper, he is someone who stays put.

Simply put, the perfect person is someone who makes you feel that that by being who you really are is perfection.

He is out there somewhere. Just have faith.

Have I found him? Who knows ;)

*****
The weekend is almost over again. All this idea of perfect people and perfect moments left me feeling nostalgic. The weekend is not perfect but I am perfectly happy about it.

This weekend, I cried and I laughed and I enjoyed every moment of it. Friday night, I was at weevens' party and it was great. I had a joyful time playing dress up with lyzet who was fairy godmother personified. Peter and I had an adventure searching for a dinner place in glorieta and after 4 tries we finally found a restaurant. And who could forget our misadventures in driving that night. Partner ran over a yellow road sign (yung pangharang na no parking) because he didn't want me getting wet in the rain so he drove backwards. We even entered a one way street on our way home only to realize our mistake when we saw how the arrows were pointing towards us and not the other way around. During the party, we had a lengthy discussion about fidelity and relationships. I never realized that partner has a natural flair for psychotherapy.

Yesterday was another badminton day. We played for 7 hours non stop. Peter and I practiced for this saturday's tournament. I also practiced with the girls. We were 16 in all. Despite being courtless, we actually remained one big happy family. After the games, Peter and I along with Macre and Mark trekked over to Len's and George's for our traditional after games get together. We had late dinner and got drunk with coke and sprite. Of course Mark and George couldn't fight their urge for beer so they bought some and Peter never had a chance to say no. The six of us were laughing all night that we actually forgot the time. We had to keep our voices down so as not to wake up Mommy and Daddy (George's parents) but it was such a wonderful time-- a perfect moment if there is such a thing as one. It's quite amazing how we never run out of things to talk about despite being together almost everyday. We laughed about George's skills in grossing len out and Mark's kulit behaviors. We talked about our favorite stories from Pugad Baboy to Harry Potter (arry Peter according to Mark) and comics. The gang checked out Peter's collection which I had a the honor of borrowing. It was a simple get together but was filled with much joy and laughter.

By the time we realized it it was already 3:10 am. Packing up time took another long period as saying goodbye in our group includes more chikka time. When I got home at 3:40 am I just plopped on the bed and fell asleep immediately. I was dead tired but I was perfectly happy.

The perfect weekend spent with the imperfect people. Simply bliss.

Blue Morning

I woke up crying this morning. I had a really bad dream. Someone I care about got hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. It turned out okay in the end but the shock of seeing the person hurt really rocked me and even though I knew it was just a dream, it left me feeling exhausted and scared. When I woke up, I could barely breathe.

Paolo Coelho talks about this thing called "the other"-- the fears and insecurities that surface whenever we face our ultimate challenge--love. It usually starts cropping up on you once you start to care more and more for someone. I think part of the reason for that bad dream is that--the other is arriving.

What scared me most about that dream was not the fact that the person I cared about got hurt-- but the feeling of panic it left within me. Does that mean that I cared that much? Past expriences of hurts and mishaps have left me both hopefull and wary. I have to admit that despite being a self confessed hopeless romantic, I am also a hard realist--sometimes even bordering on being pessimistic. Ironic isn't it? But true. I've always believed in hope and remaining optimistic but I also know the reality that sometimes it can hurt.

Perhaps what my dream is telling me is this-- now is the time to face the music-- to finally admit to myself that I actually care that much and stop pretending not to. I don't know it just left me feeling confused and scared and happy and sad and joyful-- a mixture of feelings I know, and it bothers me.

Or maybe its called hormones. =P

***
Why do you tug my heart so? What did you do to make you matter that much?

Happy Birthday Senyorito!

Today is the birthday of my good friend Weevens-- my forever lunch date in admu who hates any notion of love, relationship and marriage. He's the anti romance guy. But he's also one of the most kalog people in the world. Life would never be dull with the weevans around. From Weevens my vocabulary expands by the hour-- cheapness, cheapetita, surelyly rosemarie,etc. And who could forget his famous singkit taray look? Or his numerous rituals on and off court?Kidding aside, if someone is to be blamed for my addiction in badminton--si weevens yon. He taught me to love the game. He was the first person to ever get me to play really serious badminton. But more than that, he is such a great friend to have around.

My wish for senyorito? That he find the love of his life soon so that I'll finally get to see him fall head over heels hopelessly devoted and pathetically in love. Or maybe I should just wish to finally see him wear the sleeveless look on court? I wonder which is more likely to come true?

Peace!! Happy Birthday!

A new smile in heaven

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my leukemic patient Roland who also had diabetes. I organized an impromptu surprise party for his birthday last August 19 (but we celebrated it the 18th). He gave me the most precious smile I've ever received in the hospital. It made the struggle to search for a sugar free cake worth it.

Today I found out that Roland passed away last week. I never saw him again after his surprise. I got busy with other work in the hospital as well as my own dissertation. According to Beth, our hospice staff, Roland stayed for two more weeks in the hospital. He was sent home afterwards and then passed away. His cancer spread to his lungs.

Roland was just 19. He was supposed to start college last June when he got sick. His mom abandoned them years ago and his dad was his sole supporter. Roland never lived to see his wish come true--a scooter. That was his birthday wish-- to own one.

Now there's a new smile in heaven. And his name is Roland. I wish him well there. I know he is finally at peace.

Adventures at Adidas

Adidas ended another tourney saga in my long list of badminton adventures. I learned a lot in that tourney especially about what my goals are in terms of playing the game. I learned that you have to choose your tournaments well and not be blinded by advertisements. In adidas, I played only 2 games. The rest were all defaults in our favor. So how do you enjoy that? I want to win but not through walkovers. It's all about playing a good game thats all-- winning or losing is just secondary.

I was sick during the last two days of adidas. But that did not stop me from cheering my heart out for my friends. Since I was already out anyway, I decided to lose my voice while cheering for len & macre and peter & mike. Len & Macre won the women's doubles level c championship. Unfortunately Peter and Mike lost in a hotly constested three set game in the quarterfinals. I admired the fighting spirit of my favorite partner--despite not feeling well, he still managed to fight with his heart and soul. Kaw pa rin si Flash Gordon for me partner!

I learned about the beauty of friendship during the games. I learned who my real friends are and who are the people who matter to me. I learned not to care about what others may think of me but instead follow my heart and know what my goals and priorities are. So despite having a crappy tournament experience, adidas actually was a good memory--if only for the time I spent with my friends. Olympic's parking lot now has a newfound meaning for me.

In adidas I learned to laugh at defeat and enjoy the moment. I learned that in the end, we choose to either enjoy our lives or be bitter. Life is always a choice. We always have a choice.

But most of all, I learned that when you love something or someone, you allow them the space they need to be themselves. And you allow yourself the space also to be who you really are.

Winning & Losing

It's not about winning and losing that matters but how you play the game.

Yesterday I learned that about myself. I went up against a pair that was obviously stronger than me and my partner. My partner was so pissed off because they were obvious sandbaggers. I decided to fight. We went down hard-- losing in a heartbreaking fashion. But we didnt lose because we fought--we lost because my partner gave up. And that broke my heart. I was sick the entire day already and was actually on double dose of fever and cold meds. I didn't want to let her down. I fought my heart out. Even at 1-14, I was still willing to fight (even ran straight into the net). I knew winning was impossible but at the least I wanted to try. Karen remarked how my fighting spirit was strong despite the inevitable loss-- True. I didn't want to give up. I owe myself and the game that.

So we lost. And I cried. Another chapter ended. Another hard lesson learned. As Mang Jun told me later on-- in the end its how you act on and off court that matters.

Humility in victory and graciousness in defeat.

Being Happy

There's a smile on my face this morning that no one can erase. And even if I lack sleep, I know I will be okay. Because today I am happy. And today I promise to be happy despite feeling unwell. I came down with slight fever yesterday but true to my go go self, instead of resting I ended up gimiking until 2am. I had dinner with my college friends in honor of Peter's birthday. It's been a while since the gang got together as a group and it was nice to see everyone once again. We had a blast drinking beer and eating our share of early death food (aka crispy pata, pusit, kare kare). I got drunk a bit as I managed to down 4 bottles of beer in about an hour. Fortunately we were near the cr so it was not an issue for me when I had to take a cr break every 10 minutes or so. We talked about the latest chickas going on with our respective batchmates and basically updated each other on the comings and goings of our lives.

After dinner we trekked to starbucks, first in metrowalk, but after about 10 minutes of struggling for parking we decided to go to their emerald branch instead. There we witnessed Peter's latest car blooper (hehehe). Lyzet remained the star of the night with her nerve wracking statements and questions. Nearly fell of my seat because of some of them.

Last night was a nice ending for a tough work week. I've been through hell this week. But I made it through the hell because of some really great friends.

time to go to adidas...

***
Thank you for putting the smiles in my life.

Happy Birthday Peter

One of my dearest friends is celebrating his birthday today. My favorite mixed doubles partner and kakulitan on and off court Peter is turning one year older (and wiser?!) today. Last night our badminton group gave him a surprise celebration while playing at club 650. It took several weeks of planning, but the surprise went well. I made some lasagna and brought cookies and cream cake from sweet inspirations while Karen brought softdrinks. Tita Nel and I were the ones who brought in the food at around 830 while the boys took turns at distracting our birthday celebrant.

I've known Peter for more than a decade. 11 years to be exact. I was a freshman in college when we first met and were co-applicants at UP MMC. Through the years we've become really good friends and if there's one person besides my best friend Ella who has been there for me through the ups and downs of my life, that would be Peter. We have had a lot of adventures together. Some of the most memorable moments include our two trips to Mt. Banahaw (groupmates kami both times) and our famous grass flavored sinigang plus our extra long tambay hours at UP MMC (mga furnitures ng tambayan) and our numerous trips out of town (Subic pa din ang the best!).
Peter has been there for me through all my bloopers and managed to rescue me from a lot of them. Like the time I forgot my car keys inside the car back in college (siya pa ang naghanap ng magbubukas) or when I forgot my badminton shoes during Alfonso cup (he zoomed to my house to get it). When my racket got stolen recently, he readily came to my rescue again and brought me his (and even became my cheering squad throughout the games). I wouldn't have won that championship without him. Kung ililista lahat ng moments na nirescue ako ni partner, mahaba na ang utang ko.

On court Peter gladly partnered with me during the first pamilya tournament despite my pathetic skills. He graciously encouraged me to improve my skills and inspired me to train and aspire for greater glory. He keeps me grounded and sane when things get really hard for me at work and at home. One time I was so down from comps, he cheered me up the whole afternoon. And when some people recently bad mouthed me because of badminton, he made sure that I was protected from their bitchiness. He's not much of a showy person but he's always there. He's my second best friend and I am glad that he is in my life.

Masayang kakulitan si Peter. Sa kanya ko lang nalaman na ang sta mesa ay nasa laguna at ang giraffe ay may dalawang paa. Dahil sa kanya nagkabukol ako sa display window ng wellcom sa riverbanks (oh god how we laughed that day). I often end up doing the most stupid things when with him but he always manages to make me feel good about it.

He may be the most pathetic textmate in the world but when you need him, he will always be there.

Happy birthday partner! sorry sa mga piso ko sa yo kagabi! promise di ko sinasadya!!! =P

Surviving Defense

Defending my dissertation was my priority for this week. Up until Monday morning I was still in semi-limbo as to who will my panelists be or even whether my defense will actually push through at all. So yesterday, when it finally happened, a big thorn was finally taken off my chest.

I had my usual classic bloopers (misspelled title slide, no page numbers in my paper, etc) but at least I survived. I have been having nightmares over it for the past week already and I was starting to even somatize colds, headaches and fever. I was getting panicked as each day went by.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My panel had a number of questions and issues with regards to my conceptual framework but they were generally helpful. It helped also that my friends were there to support me (My phd comps gang--bopeep, fr. cha & mira; My notetakers-Mardet, Cha, My photgrapher-Karen & the tape recorder--Peter). Their presence helped boost my sinking morale during the course of the defense. There were moments there that I felt I couldn't answer anything anymore and it was the presence of my friends that helped me rally that much needed energy to keep up with the questions.

After nearly 2 hours of presentation and questions, I finally got to sit down. I plopped beside Peter and took my first real relaxed breath in more than a week. It was finally over. My audience and panel had a nice merienda (Cara and I teamed up to make our meals match) but I still couldn't eat. I was just too tired. After clearing up the room I headed to Ves' condo to celebrate her birthday. Unfortunately, I was up only long enough to eat some dinner and greet her. I was asleep by 8:00pm.

Now the real work begins. I have to start gathering data and begin my dissertation. And hopefully finally defend the full study by my birthday in February. I hope so.

One thing I learned about this entire experience is the fact that I am loved by so many people. And even if the world turns against me from time to time, I will always have angels to see me through hell.
***
Thank you. It meant a lot to me--more than you'll ever know.

Weekend without SB

Our first weekend without our beloved homecourt was spent at the adidas badminton challenge. Everytime people asked where our group played we found ourselves at a loss on what to answer. It was a sad reminder of the bitter truth that as of last friday-we wer officially badminton nomads-- homeless people searching for a new court.

The gang tried Greenpark badminton last saturday after the boys' rounds 1 and 2 matches at adidas. Nearly everyone was there except for Mike and the Pamilya Badminton. The court looked nice and the flooring was definitely a big improvement compared to SB. But still, it was different--it wasn't home. There was no smokers' tambayan outside with our beloved benches for one thing. And because the court operates on a first come first served basis, we had to continously play in order not to lose our court.

After playing for nearly four hours, we trekked to Len's and had our usual saturday night inuman. Peter and Mark took turns in being makulit and maingay (hala! nagalit tuloy si mommy!) while laughing over George's car blooper last thursday. We had a sumptous dinner of grill queen products with san mig light and coke. When we ended at 130 am we were all ready to fall asleep dead tired.

Yesterday, it was the women's turn to play at adidas. First up was Binky and Liezel who anihilated their opponent at level D. Next was my partner Marie and me also at Level D. It was also an easy match but when we watched our next opponents' match on the adjacent court, it appeared that we're up for some really tough matches next week. Karen and Joy also won over their opponent at level E while Len and Macre had an exciting match against their equally tough opponents in level C. The gang joined in the protest against a team that was totally mislevelled at level C. Apparently the team was a relative of the tournament director.

As of yesterday our team had the following win-lose records: Men's Level C-Rodel & Zorro (0-2), Isaias & Mang Jun (1-1); Men's Level D- Peter & Mike (2-0), Terry & Jabar (2-0); Women's Level C- Len & Macre (1-0); Women's Level D- Hazel & Marie (1-0), Binky & Liezel (1-0); Women's Level E- Karen & Joy (1-0), Ella & Lanie (1-0); Mixed Level C- Tito Noel & Tita Nel (0-2)

We ended our night with our traditional dinner this time at hotrocks-- it's actually our first weekend without bonfire. Somehow, nakakamiss din pala ang walang kamatayang sisig at salpicao.

Our first weekend without SB. I miss our home.

Saying Goodbye to SB

I hate Goodbyes. I don't think there's anything good about it. It always brings about sadness and tears.

Last Night we said goodbye to our beloved homecourt--Shuttles Best Riverbanks. No one wanted to leave until the last flourescent lamp was shut off and the doors were finally locked for the last time. We played and partied till closing time and even got to celebrate one of the court's staff (Rodel) birthday in advance. We played great games, ate good food, and even drank some wine. We raided the cabinets of SB one last time and collected memorabilias. I got a bench (from our beloved Smokers' Nook) while Len and Rb got their respective championship banners. George collected all the shuttlecocks he could find while Karen, Josh, and Macre autographed our beloved court 1.

When the last game ended at 11:45, there was a sense of sadness in the air. Our beloved court was finally closing and we shall never be able to play in it again. My last game was a women's doubles game with Marie against Terry and Jonjon. I played 8 games last night-- one singles match, 5 women's doubles and 2 mixed doubles. I shall forever hold those memories dear.

The people who love SB were all there despite the heavy downpour- Peter, me, Mark, Macre, Karen, Annie, Bong, Mike, Tito Noel, Tita Nel, Rb, Luiz, Len and George (habol!!) plus some new friends like George, Mang Jun, the badmintown duo who gave us great mixed doubles challenges, etc. The staff was also complete-- Marie, Terry, Jonjon, Rodel, Isiaias, and tenten. Some who were not able to make it were also with us in spirit (Binky, Mike Liit, Marekoy Jeanette). It was great to be with the guys one last time.

While fixing our stuff Peter and I talked about how SB became our home the last couple of months. We actually spend more time in it than our own homes. "Wala na tayong tambayan" said Peter. I nearly cried when I heard that (buti na lang madilim!). Ella would often tell me that if I am missing at home, there's only one other place I'd be-- SB. SB changed the way I ran my social life. Before my gimiks were movies, coffee shops and bars. Now it's all badminton.

We've had great memories there in Shuttles Best. In SB I found my good friend again and formed a bond I shall cherish forever. Now I not only have a mixed partner but also found a second best friend. In SB I found my soul sisters--Macre, Karen, Len, Jeanette, Joy, Binky,and Marie. In SB I found my second mommy and daddy--tita nel and tito noel and honorary siblings--Rb and Kei. And in SB I found my kulit boys Emerson, Mike, Mark, George, and Luiz who never fail to make me laugh kahit na favorite akong asarin. I may have spent a lot on court fees the past year because of my daily habit at SB but I gained much much more.

In SB I found home.

The thought of not going to SB anymore on our usual TTHS habit depresses me. I think I am still in denial. I wish time stopped last night and the court never closed. Mark even joked that we'd form a picket line demanding that the court not be closed.

So at 12:35 am we trekked to our cars in the parking lot and looked back for the last time to the place we called home for over a year.

Goodbye Shuttles Best Riverbanks. Thank you for the wonderful memories.

A good cry

I've never really cried about school. A geek all my life, I've never had problems with studies at all. Despite the challenge of being ill most of the time, I've always managed to breeze through school without much trouble. The first time I cried about school was when I failed calculus in UP. It was the first time I failed at anything. But despite that I managed to get back on my feet and haul myself back to achievement. The second time was when I learned I was not going to graduate with honors in college. Four days prior to my graduation, I was told that I was not going to be given my much fought for cum laude because of a technicality. I cried then for my parents who were expecting the award. But still I was proud-- no one could take away the fact that from a pathetic qpi on the brink of being kicked out, I was able to get it to as high as 1.666.

Yesterday I cried for the third time in my life. The frustration of getting my dissertation defended finally got to me. It's been really hard for me the past two weeks with school, work, and even personal problems. And yesterday I just felt so bad about school. Everytime I have personal problems, school has always been my comfort zone. I'm used to excelling in it. But the past year or so and moreso these past weeks, I've come to realize that its not enough anymore that I excel because the powers that be control my fate. And that is frustrating. To be told that your topic is not relevant is like saying that what I went through for the past 24 years of my life is useless. And that hurts.

So I cried-- for me, and for the all other graduate students who are also going through the hellish world of thesis and dissertation. It's hard to keep faith in a world that keeps trying to pull you down.

Sana mas maganda tong araw na to.
***
On a sadder note, SB is closing today. I'm heartbroken about it

Sleepy but Happy

I am walking zombie today. My arms and legs hurt and my mind feels like shutting down. But although I'm sleepy and can barely move my body, I am extremely happy. =)

For perhaps the last time, we played our Pamilya Badminton tournament at Shuttles Best Riverbanks yesterday. SB is set to close this coming Thursday and to bid our home farewell, we decided to have our favorite mixed doubles tournament. Peter and I were paired again for this round and my favorite partner and I managed to win 4th place. We had a magnificent run at the eliminations, winning all our matches. We tried a new playing strategy which worked for us. We played good matches in the semis and 3rd place but bowed to two formidable foes. Binky and Mike Liit eventually won the championships with Karen and Mike Tangkad taking 2nd place. My partner Marie and Rodel won 3rd.

The tournament held a special place in my heart as the past few days have been really taxing on my heart and sanity. Winning also meant that in all the pamilya tournaments, I've managed to win at least runner up place. 3 of those were with Peter as my partner and 1 was with Mike Tangkad and 1 with Mike Liit. =)

The past few days, I've seen the ugly side of badminton-- the politics and intrigues that come with competition. It really broke my heart to see how people can go to such great lengths (even to the point of hurting friends) just to ensure a win. Sad. Just like what Tito Noel told me, everyone just have different purposes in playing I guess. Some play for fame, some for glory, some for the money and win. But some also play for the love of the game.

But yesterday all those issues took a slight backseat (sort of) to give way to the fun tourney at SB. We played our patayan games once more--6 matches in the elims, 2 matches in semis and finals. Peter was with me all throughout especially when things got a bit stressful due to the issues on court lately. He made sure that I'd be okay. I am touched beyond words. He was all over the court once again which made me want to also do my best. Karen, Macre, Len and the rest of the players were extremely supportive too. I shall never forget how my friends protected me over the past three days. It made me realize how lucky I am to have them in my life.

After the games we trekked over to Len's house (our forever tambayan) and had a great dinner there (what else?! food from bonfire grill!). We chatted over the day's games again and the colorful events once more. We looked at the pics and had a grand time teasing each other about our bloopers on and off court. Karen had an instant homily session with Daddy but was all smiles when the much awaited text messages came...The gang was complete--Honey & Chocnut, Cookies & Cream, Goya & Curly Tops at of course-- Langka & Durian. Sino sila? Guess?!

We went home at midnight, tired but happy. Peter nearly didn't get home coz he couldn't open his car door--kala ko magbubukas kotse gang na kami! hehehe. Karen as usual was the first to speed away.

I'm gonna miss SB when it closes. I still have a silent prayer wishing for it to remain open. SB is quite dilapidated actually but its home. In SB I found my place in badminton and in SB I found my heart. I shall miss our smokers' lounge and our benches. I'll even miss the silaw on court. In SB I learned that badminton is never about equipment or court quality but it's about people. It's about playing the game to the best of your ability and being with your friends.

I am Loved

I am loved. And that makes me the happiest girl in the world.

Today I realized how blessed I am to have friends who will always be there for me.I am blessed with people who care for me that they would be willing to fight my battles for me. That's worth more than any medal or trophy in the world.

I nearly cried because of how my friends came together to defend me today. Karen, Len, Mark and Macre made sure that I would still feel okay despite the battles I had to go through today. Even Marie and binky were patient with me and took time to make me feel okay. But I was especially touched by what my partner Peter told me at dinner and how he journeyed with me in my struggle to keep smiling despite the pain. Peter made sure that I'd laugh a lot tonight.Even if he wasn't feeling well either, pwedeng pwede na siyang maging boyoyong clown. (Sige na nga master of meditation, magaaral na ako ng hand movements ng great ohmmm.) Our practice together with Luiz was one of the most fun games I've ever had. Pwedeng pang famas awards.

I realized then how lucky I am. I am loved by my friends. Mamatay na lang sila sa inggit.

Rainbows do appear during rainstorms. And I am lucky to have a lot of them in my life.

***
I don't know what else to say but Thank you.

Friendships

Last night I realized how sometimes even the people whom you are nice to can end up stabbing you in the back. I was angry but more than that hurt beyond words. I cried in my car thinking what I actually did wrong to deserve such treatment. But then I realized I also have a choice-- I can choose to be angry at them too or I could choose to be gracious and be nice. I chose the latter. There's a saying that when someone throws rocks at you, throw them bread in return. It may sound pathetic but last night I realized it's value. To seek revenge would mean agreeing to the bad things said about me despite having done nothing wrong.

I don't expect a long life and I want to spend what little life I have left to being with the people who love me and trying to make a difference in this world. I still believe that the world is full of good people and people are basically good if you allow them to be.And sometimes people hurt you because they know no other way.

Last night I realized how loved I am by people whom I now have the honor of calling as sisters--Macre, Len,and Karen-- friends whom I shall hold dear for the rest of my life. I didnt expect them to come and defend me but they did. And they made me feel that I am still worthy despite what others may think. Even Peter, George, and Mark helped make me feel better. I was touched by what the guys said to me and how they patiently listened to my side without judgment. I don't know how would I be able to smile last night without them.

When you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone you know
Just think of your friends, the one's who care
They all will be there, with love to share
And your heart will lead you home.

***
I found home in you.

Early Morning Thoughts

7 hours of badminton training yesterday has left my body half numb. I can barely move my right arm and legs. It's been two weeks since Len and I formally trained with Len being sick and all so I think my body got semishocked with the drills yesterday. I felt disappointed about my net play because I was suffering from cramps and could barely move my left leg. Tried to improve my backhand as well which has been my biggest weakness all these years.

Without Peter around, I just practiced mixed doubles play with Rb and tenten. Partner is still down with the colds (Get well soon partner! Miss ka na namin! Wala ka sa crispy tenga expedition namin ni bossing last tuesday. May kanin na sila!). Rb and I got battered by bossing Mike and Karen. Tenten and I played one hell of a game against the power partnership of Terry and Marie. The upcoming Pamilya Badminton Farewell Tournament is getting everyone fired up already. Debate continues to to rage on about who will partner with whom and I predict my phone bill will once again soar to the high heavens. Marie and I also practiced for Addidas against JP and Tenten and I consider it a miracle that we even scored two points against them. Our first set was a love set (my second love set in my entire badminton career) while the second set was a miraculous 15-2 (our score of 2 was the miracle!). We looked like a bunch of badminton newbies against their powerhouse team. We were scrambling all over the place. But it was good practice--they thought me to run and be as quick as I can be inside the court.

In one week's time SB will close down and the thought of our second home closing saddens me. Our court may look ugly and battered but it's home to us. That is where our friendships blossomed and that's where our hearts lie. I learned to play real badminton in SB almost a year ago today. And in SB I found my heart and my biggest passion in life. Where else can you play from 6am to 12mn and pay only 80 pesos the entire time?! Where else can you take a 5 hour yosi break (without ever lighting one cigarette) and still have a court reserved for you? In SB everyone is family-- we even get to partner and play with the staff. There's even no need for a guard anymore since we practically open and close the place anyway (libreng bantay!). Honestly, I'm gonna miss that place and it breaks my heart knowing that my days just sitting infront of that ugly green trashcan facing the riverbanks parking lot is numbered. SB will always be home and it will always have my heart.

The Things I'd Like to Do

Last night amidst my frustration about finally completing my dissertation panel, I wrote down a list of things I'd rather be doing at that moment.
1. be with the person who makes me smile
2. eat popcorn while watching a good movie
3. go to the beach
4. play badminton
5. not be a driver for a change
6. go out and not worry about any responsibilities that I've left behind
7. eat white icing cake from shoppersville
8. Read a good book
9. stargaze
10. be happy
11. drop everything and just forget about my dissertation for a while
12. eat isaw and fishballs
13. have a good laugh
14. play cards
15. run wild in a field of flowers
16. go on a picnic
17. sleep
18. eat ilocos empanada in ilocos
19. go on a vacation
20. sing
None of the items in my list included most of the things I'm doing now (except for badminton and being with my friends). I guess I'm at the point when I'm just too overtaxed from the stress of school and work. I thought writing a dissertation would be stressful enough, but no, it's the events and people around it that makes it all the more stressful. If I had my way, I'd stop everything and just walk away.

So what is stopping me from doing so? I keep my promises. Always. I made a promise several years ago that I'd finish this. When I started my phd I promised my mom I'd finish it. And so here I am making good on that promise. It's hard to understand for some but that's just the way I'm built. But more than a promise to my family, I promised myself one morning 12 years ago, that I'd do this. I made a bargain with God that day. And I intend to keep my end of the bargain.

So I thread on...
***
YOU keep me from giving up and you are the reason for my smiles.

Girls Bonding

Karen, Macre, Len, and I decided to have a bonding session last Friday. The guys were nowhere that day and so we decided to have some quality girl talk. We pigged out on junk food, muffins, siomai, and coffee. We got drunk drinking coke. It was a blast. Raffy (len's sis-in-law) also joined us along with our "honorary girlfriend" Francis. It was fun bonding with the girls. I call it a rare moment in my life when I'm actually with girls than with guys. For a self confessed one of the boys being with my girlfriends is a welcome experience.

We talked about all the latest gossips and happenings in our lives (despite being together almost every other day). And though some of our stories were already redundant, we painstakingly listened to each one of them..Karen was all smiles in her text messages (hmmm...bakit kaya?). My cellphone actually became a message relay center. Macre was in a warpath and so was Len. Raffy was busy planning her party tonight too. We all had our own stories to share. And I was happy that my girlfriends did not think I was crazy because all I could talk about was you know who (or I guess they have long accepted by cheezy sentimental self). We pondered about how to adjust to life without SB. Nakakadepress. By 730pm we decided to have pizza delivered. Imagine this 5 girls ordering a 20 inch yellow cab pizza. Crazy! Daddy was amazed by our appetite (and will power to eat). George surrendered to the girl power the moment we started singing to foolish heart, jealous, and moonlight over paris.

This is the kind of gimik that I like. I don't like going out on bars and all those noisy places. Good food and good talk with great friends is enough to make a day happy. Another reason to smile.
***
Today I woke up with a cat sleeping on my lap and my leg heavily under cramps. I actually slept in my car. Someone was stupid enough to lock our second double lock at the main door hence I could not get last night. And being so late, no one was actually answering our phones. Hay naku! When I realized I was locked out, I was so tired to even bothering getting pissed off. Fortunately for me, there wasn't any mosquitoes hovering around so I was still able to get some good sleep despite my uncomfy position. It was a real blooper. Buti na lang I came from a happy gimik at badminton. Practiced with Marie for addidas as well as with Peter for our last Pamilya tournament. We had a grand time laughing at each other's bloopers as well as making our kupal feeling coach uncomfy in court (bad!!!). The pamilya partnership continued to go under debate. Of course before anyone, I prefer to have my original partner with me (sorry annie you can't borrow.hehehe). So by the time I got home, it wasn't nightmarish anymore to realize that I was actually gonna camp out in the garage. My sister woke up at 5:30am to let me in and finally sleep in my beloved bed.

A fruitful weekend. Sana ganito na lang forever.
***
After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
(Mr. Big, Sex and the City)

Saving Graces

If it wasn't for badminton, today would have been a totally crappy day. At 2pm I was already having the worst migraine from the depressed conditions in the hospital. Then I got more stressed at home. I do love them but at times I also feel a bit overstretched to my limits. Its hard to balance being dutiful with being you. And that can be so frustrating. I sometimes envy the people who just say what they want and do what they want without care. And people adjust to them. Being responsible can be so hard sometimes. Moreso if your duty has to come before anything else. I know I am not the perfect daughter nor am I wishing to be so. And its so hard when so much is expected of you. Sometimes I don't even know the "me" anymore. By wishing to be happy and actually doing something about it, does that make me bad?

I was struck by what Peter told me this afternoon during our warm up walk along Oranbo drive. Why do I have to be always the one to adjust? I really don't know. But it did made me think of what I am doing to myself. Something is wrong here.

Still there are the saving graces that made today less crappy. Had a wonderful time playing with my friends. Even experienced winning 15-0 for the first time in mixed doubles (grabe galing ni partner eh). Played against the maingay opponent of ours from Smashroom and still managed to win both sets (despite them being a mixed doubles team). I got to use my new racket again and bask in the glory of victory for one more day. But most of all I got to be with people who appreciated me for who I am, imperfections and weirdness and all. I also appreciated my best friend Ella's efforts to reach me and keep my sanity intact on my way to war. She looks out for me always.

I'm just human. I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I don't expect to live a long life so for the brief time I am here on earth, I'd like to carve my own piece of heaven. I just wish they would be happy for me too.
***
you managed to turn a sad day to a day of smiles. i don't know how you do it but i just want to say thank you.

Thoughts on death

I arrived today at my internship site greeted by the death of a 4 year old patient with a malignant tumor in the neck. My supervisor told me that I was needed inside one of the wards because a patient was dying and the family were in need of psychological help. Just as we were about to enter the patient's room, his sister came running out crying saying Rap Rap had passed away.

I'm used to seeing people die-- I've been volunteering in the hospital's cancer wards for several years no. I also go see my doctor every month and I always here about other patients who also died. I've lost friends, loved ones, acquaintances, colleagues, etc to death. But today I learned that it doesn't make anything any easier.

I had to fight back my tears while I was watching Rap rap's mother and sister cry over him. He was so small. I watched the doctor perform the tests to confirm if he was indeed dead. I watched the other kids inside the ward look at his body with curiousity and fear. As a psychologist I am trained to help people who suffer from losses like this. But today I also found myself at a loss. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know how to make their pains go away. What do you say to a mother who just lost his son and who's asking you why did God take away her child?Or how can you comfort a sister who lost her youngest brother to a disease that she couldn't even understand?

It's hard. I wish I could come up with the answers but I can't. When a child dies, it goes against the nature of death. Parents are not supposed to bury their kids but rather the other way around. The circle of life dictates that. I sometimes ask God why these kids have to suffer at such a young age. This morning I also met a girl name Preaxie who had extremely high fever due to a recent transfusion. She was crying for her mother to hug her and begging her to take her home. I stroked her knees to try and keep her warm. That was all I could do--be there. Nothing else. I wish I could do more for these kids. I wish I had a magic wand to make their pains go away.

But I can't.

All I know and hope for is that at least Rap rap is in a better and happier place now.

Sweet Victories, Some Bickerings & Shopping for Lipstick

After winning my first championship trophy last saturday, I was fortunate enough to be tapped to play in another tournament yesterday afternoon this time for the South Manila Badminton-Manila Adventist Hospital dual meet. I played mixed doubles. The MA team won 440-385. My partner and I won all our matches despite bickering on court. It was a different feeling from the previous day when victory tasted so sweet. Part of me actually didn't enjoy the win last night. I guess I just didn't enjoy the game as much as the previous day. And I realize now that it wasn't just the game that made me become bitchy. I didnt feel I played that well personally because my feelings were getting to me. I actually had several "kalat" moments there. Unfortunately I don't think my partner and I gel as a partnership. But despite that, we did put up a good game judging from the fact that we actually won. I guess I was just tired also from the night before that I didn't like it when I could nearly feel my partner's racket smashing to the sides of my face. Or when my partner was complaining he was too tired as if he was doing all the work. Badminton is a team sport and you have to trust your partner enough to know that he or she can play a decent game. I'm not claiming to be an ace badminton player nor am I pretending or assuming to be one. But siguro naman I can also play a decent game. Honestly I wished I had a different partner but I did try my best. I didnt want to let the team down. I didn't want to let my friend Karen down. But most of all I didn't want to let the game down. So I played for the love of the game. My patience was just extra thin that I couldn't help but finally bitch on court. And I apologize for that.

Anyway, there were other better moments--like Mark and Macre's winning form at level 1 mixed and Karen's comeback victory at mixed doubles. Plus our yummy dinner at hotrocks and my great escape at len's. I even got to drink my 9th mug of coffee (of my life).And who would forget Karen's bonding moments that sure did made us all smile. I wish nothing but happiness for my friend..

Today, was a total turnaround. The bickerings of sunday turned to a fun and laughter filled Monday. Since it was declared a holiday, I decided to take some time off from badminton (well almost) and do some shopping. I had no internship so I was basically free. I brought Ves to PGH after a hearthy family lunch and went off to Ella's for an impromptu gimik. Ella and I were supposed to watch a movie while I had my new racket stringed at Toby's. Peter joined us and we ended up pigging out at greenwich pizza instead. Imagine this-- we ordered one large pizza square, lasagna, nachos, potato stars and a pitcher of coke light and there were only three of us eating. We never got to watch the movie (as predicted) and ended up window shopping. Ella shopped for wallet but we ended up buying lipstick instead.
It was hillarious shopping for makeup when you're with a guy. Peter looked confused at our fascination about the various shades of lipstick (ano yon? amour, kiss and ??). I also found it a bit awkward and funny when we were checking out the seamless underwear (pano kaya yon?) at mossimo and the various bras at bench. It was fun just window shopping together especially when you get to try out the various clothes and stuff inside the stores. My favorite? The mad hatter hat inside 99 pesos store. Perfect match kay Peter. hehehe. I laughed so hard when Peter reminded me of my "wellcom incident" by warning me against the glass wall of penshoppe. Ay naku! di mo talaga papalimot sa kin yon no? :) Back to his usual makulit self again.

Ella never found her dream wallet nor did she get to buy her new phone but what the heck, it was fun anyway. Nagkulitan kaming tatlo all over the mall.Even the counter girl at greenwich was not spared. hehehe.
And sige na nga di mo na kasalanan this time partner peter kung bakit di kami nakanood!

Overall it was a great day. It was a great weekend as Karen told me. And overall it is one great month. I realized at lot things this month-- the most important of which is-- happiness is within my grasp and its mine if I choose to take it. And it has been in front of me all along, I just didn't see.

Champs at Last (Gratitude Blog)

It's 1:30 am and even though I am sleepy and tired, I decided to write in my blog first. My body is out of sync already but my heart is still pounding from the excitement of the last 6 hours. After 18 tournaments and over 2 years of playing badminton, I finally won my first ever championship trophy. Taryn and I scored a victory over the "pretty/tall" ladies in a thrilling game at Smashroom Badminton tonight. The score was tight all throughout the game and we fought with power. Each time fought headstrong and in the end when we finally scored that winning point, it took several seconds for it to sink in. I screamed my heart out when I finally realized that we actually did it-- won the championship of ladies doubles level D. I still can't believe that it actually happened until now. I waited my whole life for this moment. And it felt like an icing on a cake of wonderful memories. August used to be a month I dread because I always end up getting heartbroken in august. But this year, it was different. Aug will now be imortalized as the month when I finally went off Imuran and the month I finally came home a champ.

But tonight would not be possible if not for several angels in my life. Words are not enough to thank them
1. Partner Taryn for inviting me in the first place. We actually met during a tournament where we were opponents. And we ended up as friends.
2. Peter- who not only was there to be my morale booster/cheerer/gatorade supplier/alalay/photographer rolled into one, but was also the one who lent me his racket when mine was stolen last sunday. Kung wala si peter, wala kaming championship. He kept me sane during the entire championship match.
3. Lorelei- sige na nga si lory na lang. Parang si Peter, isa pang dakilang cheerleader.
4. Our opponents-- who gave us a good fight and taught us how to fight back.
5. Len-- you are truly a coach. kahit ano pa ang sabihin ni kupal. Len helped raise me from the depths of patheticness to being able to play at a decent level.
6. Karen, Macre, Mike, Pamilya Badminton, Binky, Mike Liit, Emerson, Marie, and all the rest of the SB barkada who were cheerleaders in spirit.
7. Sa lahat ng beses na umuwi akong luhaan dahil natalo ako sa tournament, salamat dahil nabigyan ako ng lakas nito na lumaban. My Day finally came
8. Addictus & Weebird, dahil inaaliw nila ako and for playing with me when I was still so pathetic in badminton.
9. Mommy, Ves and Ella
10. The Lord

I finally had my one moment in time this evening. Finally a champion. At the end of it all, I realized that no matter how big the trophy I got and how beautiful the racket I won, this championship would not have mattered if not for the wonderful angels in my life. Thanks Guys! This one's for you!
***
Salamat.

What Love is Like...

"You know how when you're listening to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway... then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again you're still in exact same time with it. That's what it's like ("Danny", Music From Another Room)

My love story is something like of a song that continues to reprise itself. The first stanza has long ended and trains have passed by in the middle but the tune keeps on returning. And though a long time has passed, the song remains.
I'm no self proclaimed love guru. I'm just an ordinary girl who fell in love, got hurt, and who learned to pick herself once again. After several tries at falling and picking myself up, I'm still trying and hoping. I've always believed that love happens at the right time and at the right place. And you know when you really love someone when it blooms through the test of time. Or as Danny would say, when train passes and you can't hear it anymore, you still find yourself singing at the exact time with it.
The day I finally admitted to myself was an ordinary moment-- I was stuck in traffic and I was pondering on something I did that day. I called Cha on the phone and I was hyperventillating my way through our chat. And just there she told me, "wag ka ng magpanggap." Then it hit me, she was right. I've been pretending not to know or because I was just scared to know. I didn't want to see what was happening to me.
Love taught me the greates lesson of my life-- that when you love someone, you'd love that person enough to want him/her to be happy. And it taught me to measure each moment by the joys and not its length-- to savor each moment as if it was your last. And I'm not asking anything from this love. Love is never selfish. You take what is given and do not demand what the other cannot give. Never expect, just hope for expecting invites disappointment while hope invites surprise. I've done almost every stupid thing imaginable in the name of love. And no matter how much I tell myself I'd forget him, I can't seem to. And I find myself still hoping and praying that one day, it will finally come... And though I know its here,I'm still scared--that maybe this time, I won't be able to pick myself up again if I get hurt. Still, I hope and wish. After all who knows, maybe this time I'll finally get lucky and our music will finally coincide.
***
tama na ang pagiging senti..umaga na.. =P.. hangover pa ata to ng movie marathon namin ni ella last night. We saw two movies in galeria one after the other. We pigged out in theater junkfood and had the time of our lives. I miss those moments. It's been months since we last saw a movie together. It's been months since I saw a movie period. Badminton took most of my time the past months. Must love dogs is a great date movie. Must watch. Bewitched is okay but will farrell can be OA at times. Nicole was pretty.

I wonder what's available for breakfast?=P

The waiting begins

I submitted my revised dissertation proposal this afternoon after nearly a month of attempting to revise it. True to my cramming nature, I really needed a deadliest deadline to finally get me into the writing mode. I guess hearing Cara's words that she was finally defending made me go on a panic mode last Monday. So now I await my adviser's approval. I really need to finish my PhD this year for both my personal sanity and my mom's. =P My family is looking forward to having me finally finish and wouldn't it be great to graduate on the same year as my sister? That would be something nice-- to have two doctors in the family in the same year. My mom would really love that.

So now I wait..

The Perfect Day

People like the word perfect. I guess its because it reminds us of something extraordinary or something beyond what is usually experienced. We strive hard to find that perfect moment, that perfect time, that perfect person. And I find myself wondering, is there really such a thing? Can a day be so perfect that nothing falls out of place? Then I realized it can't. Nothing is really perfect in this world and I'm not trying to be pessimistic about it. What makes a day perfect is that despite it's imperfections, it remains beautiful.

The day started like any ordinary day. Nothing brilliant happened and nothing extraordinary emerged. It was another one of those days that I look forward to every week. Yet at the end of the day,I found myself sighing and wishing it would never end. Mind you I found myself even frustrated to death at one point. I nearly even cried of bwiset. But despite that, it was still a perfect day.
In the most ordinary place I found myself wishing that time would stand still and just remain as is. Just like what the little prince said, it's the time you spend with your rose that makes the rose special.

Maybe I'm really a hopeless romantic. A sentimental fool who looks through life with rose colored glasses. I guess so. But I'd like to remain a fool if it means being able to appreciate the little things in life.

I don't need a crowded ballroom, everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be the perfect year
(The Perfect Year from Sunset Boulevard)

Practice

The past two days have been devoted mainly to badminton practice. Taryn and I are trying to prepare for the upcoming semis and finals (hope!) matches of Smashroom Badminton. Last night I played until almost midnight trying to practice both women's and mixed doubles (for addidas). By the time we left the court, Peter and I were almost ready to collapse. We played some really hard games yesterday especially when I played women's with a weaker partner. It took nearly all my strength just to score each of the 14 points we earned in the game. This afternoon, I was at practice again, this time at Smashroom. Taryn and I played against the women's level c players. After nearly 40 minutes of play, we won 1 set. It was so draining. Then Peter and I teamed up in mixed to play against Taryn and Larry. My back nearly gave out running after the crosscourt drops. Still, it was good play.

It's never really about medals and winning but in improving with every game. When I am able to do that I am happy iregardless of the outcome.

Now if only I could devote such effort to my dissertation. haay!

***
ewan. yan lang ang masasagot ko sa tanong nila. :)

Late Night Musings (after reading Cha's blog)

"You know someone or something first before loving them.
Loving takes acceptance of what you know too.
Pag sinabi mo na mahal mo... di selective ang pagmamahal... di rin conditional."

Anything about love is bound to generate some sort of reactions from anyone. After reading Cha's blog (obviously I'm trying to procrastinate again here!), I found myself thinking (or should I say reflecting) in her words of wisdom. True, real loving comes from a realization that you know someone well enough to give your heart to them. Though I believe that love at first sight can happen, generally it does not. Or maybe I just never experienced it yet. I've always believed that love grows with knowing someone. And more than just knowing, it grows out of learning that the other may not be perfect yet you still love the person, just the way they are. No matter how high your standards are, the person you choose to love will always be an exception to the rule.

Love is also a matter of timing. In the right time and at the right place it will bloom. I guess our time just havent come up yet.

It's quite hard this art of loving. You're bound to feel hurt at one point or another. Karen told me once that no man is worth your tears because the one who really loves you will make sure you don't cry. I realized now that tears will always be there. And I'm reminded of my liking for roses with thorns-- one can never promise a garden of eternal bliss. There will always be thorns in your garden but if you can look past the thorns, that's when you will know that miracles do happen. Ganun din ang pagibig-- dadating ang araw na paiiyakin ka niya o paiiyakin mo siya o kaya naman mabwibwiset ka ng husto kasi parang walang kamatayang paghihintay.. Pero may araw din na gugulatin ka ng tadhana na yung inaantay mo buong buhay mo, andyan lang pala sa tabi mo. Funny how life can be quite ironic at times.

You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is love them with all your heart and let them go. I realized that love has always been with me, not necessarily in the packaging I want but it's still there. And even if someone does not love you in the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't. They just love you in a different way.

***
Tama si Cha.. mahal nga kita.

The Ultimate Blooper

I thought that forgetting my rubbershoes during the Alfonso cup was the worst thing I could do in a tournament. Now I know there's something more worse. I lost my racket yesterday after winning my first match at the Smashroom Badminton Challenge in Pasig. It just disappeared from our things. I discovered the loss about 15 minutes before my 2nd match. I was at a total loss but I had to concentrate on the game at hand. We lost our 2nd game (I borrowed a racket from my partner but it had a higher tension and it was a different brand) in a closely contented fight of 23-25. Sad. I really had a hard time adjusting to the new racket since the higher tension meant less power. My arm hurt so bad after the game. Still it was a good game. We rallied from a 4-14 score to tie the game at 23 all. Lucky us, we managed to get back in the 3rd and 4th matches to qualify for the semifinals next week. I changed rackets (borrowed Peter's) and was able to adjust to that better. Our last game was the most fun since we already knew we would qualify iregardless of the outcome via the win over the other technicality. We just had fun.

My racket never turned up again. And worst thing about it is that I found out today that the insurance I got from Toby's is totally USELESS. They won't cover the loss because according to the agent, "there's no forcible entry" and they only cover burglary on court. My loss daw is classified under theft. As if naman someone will actually hold you up just for a racket. OR how do you forcible entry in a public event like a tournament where people just come and go. (Kaya warning to all would be racket buyers! don't buy the insurance na kasi money making scheme lang siya!).

It's very frustrating to lose something so valuable. I worked hard for that racket. It's a simple model actually--mid priced. But still it has a lot of sentimental value already. It's my first good racket. It's not one of those imitation rackets you buy in raon. I bought it out of my own pocket. Am I really such a magnet for tourney bloopers? I know its partly my fault because it totally slipped my mind na it was just there. But still, sad.

One good that came out of this blooper was I realized how blessed I am with friends. When I lost my racket, the people I was with were really helpful and they searched the court for the racket (although it wasn't successful). My partner, Taryn, handed me her spare racket immediately so we can still play. Then Peter came after our game and let me borrow his rackets for the remainder of the tourney. Since his racket was of the same tension as mine, it was a better fit than that of Taryn's. It's the nth time Peter rescued me from my bloopers and I'm really really thankful(Sana naman eto na ang huling blooper! Dami ko na utang sa yo partner eh!). Without him and the rest of my new friends from Smashroom, I would probably been so bad trip yesterday and I won't be able to play well anymore and would only feel more depressed. Thank you guys!

They say something good will always come out of a bad situation. True. I lost a racket but gained good friends. I realized now that someone will always help you out if you trust in the miracle of life. Despite the pessimism in the world, there are still good souls out there. And I am blessed with several of them.

The Price of a Smile

How much is the worth of one smile? I found out last thursday that it cost about 3 hours of driving around QC looking for a sugar free birthday cake, endless phone calls on my cellphone, about 400 pesos worth of gasoline, 5 trips to different bakeshops, 2 packs of fruits, 1 pint of sugar free ice cream, a recycled blue ribbon, and a simple birthday song.

It was one frustrating effort trying to set an impromptu birthday surprise for my new patient at pcmc. Roland, a diabetic turned 19 yesterday and we wanted to give him a simple surprise to celebrate his birthday. It was bad enough that he had ALL, but it was worse to celebrate one's birthday inside the hospital. Unfortunately, much to my effort, I could not find a sugar free cake just in time. So armed with my other goodies, I trekked back to pcmc after 3 hours of driving around. I decided to just get a small regular cake. At least he could do the candle blowing ceremony even if he couldn't eat it.

Roland never got to eat his birthday cake (it wasn't sugar free) yet he beamed at us with his simple smile. He quietly said thank you as if he tasted the cake himself. And I nearly cried. All the tiredness I felt from driving around (with almost no sleep the night before) disappeared.

The price of one smile is not measurable in monetary terms. The price of one smile is worth more than anything in this world.

The price of one smile is our ability to love.

Boys Night Out

I've always been one of the boys. Not by choice but somehow I just gravitate more towards the guys than girls. I realized that last night after another night out with my two partners Mike and Peter. We decided to get some after badminton dinner but it ended up as a drinking session at smokes (formerly perfect planet). Mike got drunk with coke while Peter and I had our traditional San Mig light. We pigged out on crispy tenga, liempo at mojos (they ran out of rice) and had a great time just hanging around. Our topics went from the most mundane (like kung bakit cute daw si *****) to the serious ones (why chizmiss sucks and other lovelife issues) and even magic (bagong apprentice ni David Blaine si Mike). We completely forgot the time and by the time we went home, it was already 3:30 am this morning. When Peter looked at my cellphone for the time, he asked me if it was indeed true-- that it was 3:30! Totoo nga!

Now I lack sleep desperately. Had to wake up at 7am to drive my mom to the psych convention. So I pretended to be awake, said a little prayer (that there would be no MMDA as I was color coded) and headed to UST.

I enjoy my night outs and conversation with the two mokongs of my badminton life. My sister is baffled with how we do it-- spend hours talking to each other without getting tired. Mike used to give up on Peter and me and our kulitan episodes (record: 8 hours!hehehe), but now, lumalaban na rin sa patagalan si bossing.

So is this really my path in life? To be the drinking buddy of the boys? To be their analyst of girls? hehehe. I really don't know. I don't mind-- I enjoy my time with them. Sometimes I wonder myself what makes me gravitate towards the boys more than girls. Always been that way. I guess I'm really not the typical lady. I was telling Peter during our pre-game tambay yesterday at SB that ever since the badminton bug got me, I stopped being kikay like most girls. If you check out my closet, it's almost 80% sports attire and only few girlie stuff exists. When I go to court dressed in a skirt, I get teased to death. Moreso when it's a dress. Peter told me di daw ba ko natutuwa na I'm not kikay. hehehe. Well I guess with the guys, its okay. But for my mom, she's been telling me to start being a girl naman at times. My mom often complains that her two daughters are more like two boys. =P

But still it makes me wonder if part of the reason why I'm still pathetic at dating and my attempts at love, is partly that-- I'm too one of the boys. Maybe Mr. Right sees me as a drinking buddy rather than a Ms. Right. Sad.

Because underneath all these, is still an ordinary girl, with the same hopes and dreams of all girls-- I may be tough on the outside, but I'm still a hopeless romantic inside.. I may be one of the boys, but I'm also a girl (even if I don't show it at times.hehehe).
If only he knew.

Inspirations

The life of a hospital volunteer psychologist can be one big adventure. After a frustrating day at teaching yesterday, today turned out to be quite inspiring as I met several new angels in the hospital. They are all struggling to get through some tough challenges in life but are striving to move on. I was sent to visit the ICU of PCMC along with other people from the hospice. There I met three babies, each struggling to live.

One baby had malformation of the small intestine--he almost lost it all. And now he's skin and bones-- almost on the brink of death. But when I looked at his eyes, I saw hope instead of sadness. It was as if the baby was telling me that he was fighting on and that if he could do it, we all could fight too. Everytime his dad would carress his tiny head, he would blink as if relishing each touch as if it were diamonds from heaven.

I also met a toddler who had the Guillain- Barre Syndrome. He couldn't move his arms. He was pleading with the doctors to raise his arms (in a visayan dialect no one could understand). The nurses were too busy to attend to him and as much as I wanted to touch him, I couldn't for fear of contaminating him with any germs I might have brought with me. When the nurse finally went to him, he quieted down and he started to sleepI realized that he just wanted to see that his arms were still there even if he couldn't feel them. It was a small of act of kindness on the nurse's part but to the suffering child, it meant the world.

In the ICU I also saw parents crying while watching their beloved children who were attached to endless tubes and machines. My heart went out to them. And I struggled to keep my own tears from falling because I knew I had to be strong for them. Part of me wished I could take away their pains but all I could really do was say a little prayer for their little angels and hope that they would be okay.It pains me to see parents suffer that way but moreso for the kids. It reminds me of my own struggles with my health and how my family also suffered with me. So I know what they are going through and I know that its rough.

Amidst the bleakness of the ICU, one angel emerged. After our ICU visit, we went to see an 18 year old boy just recently diagnosed with ALL and diabetes (a complication brought about by his chemo). Roland, was recently released from the ICU to the charity wards. When I saw him, he did not look like he was a young man-- he looked as if he was a 12 year old kid. And I saw pain in his eyes. He had high fever and was suffering from back and foot pains. Yet despite that he kindly offered me his chair so I could sit down. Imagine he was already in so much pain yet he was willing to give up his comfortable sit so I could sit on it. I wanted to cry. To remain that kind amidst such pain is the epitome of human kindness.

We spoke with him for a while and though he struggled to keep up with us, he never failed to smile. His dad also spoke to us, telling us about how Roland just started school when he got sick. On friday, Roland will be 19. I do not know what the Lord's plans are for him but I wish he could give Roland some break from his pains.

I left the hospital soon after. I needed a break from all the suffering. Whenever I'm at PCMC, I am reminded of how precious life is and how lucky I am to be alive. At least despite my ITP, I am able to live a normal life. How I wish those kids could too. It's understandable when old people get sick-- it's supposed to be the circle of life. But kids, they've barely lived yet, some of them are even on the brink of dying already.

Sometimes I find myself asking God why those kids had to suffer. I know I will never find the answer but I trust that in his kindness he would also aleviate their pains.

So why do I continue with my volunteer work? Although I do it because it's a requirement (for my PhD), I also made a promise 12 years ago to myself that if I am given the chance to get well, I'd try to make a difference. This is my way of fulfilling that promise. And it's also my way of paying tribute to those kind people who helped me along the way. To feel that someone cares enough to ask you how you are and stay with you for a while is the best gift a sick child could have. And I was blessed with that before. Now it's time to give the blessing back.
***
I don't know how you do it-- make me smile for the simplest reasons. Just when things turn quite sad, you find a way to make me laugh and feel as if heaven just sent me the greatest gift. I just want to tell you-- thank you.

Sometimes

Sometimes it can be quite frustrating to be a teacher. Today is one of those days.I understood how my experimental psychology students were out of sync today, since they had an experimental report due. But my second class was really something. It felt like I was talking to a wall. I don't know if I'm too nice or to kind that I don't scold my class for not listening or not doing their readings. It's just that I don't want to get angry. But kanina, I was really tempted. And sometimes I wish I just slept instead. Baka mas productive pa.

But still, there were some saving graces. I appreciated how some students took pains to prepare and listen and most of all participate. Even those who just took notes in class quietly (at least I knew they were listening) were angels. I am grateful.

Like Roumel,who came to class (and early pa) despite sleeping for only 1 hour; or Voica, who dropped by this morning to say hello; or my other expe students who really took time to apa style their papers. Plus three other students of mine who smiled and said hello while walking in the corridors of SS. I barely remember their names but U remember their faces. If not for them, I would have gladly walked out of class. As a teacher, you really appreciate the kind deeds of students. Those tiny acts allow me to stretch my patience a bit longer for those who continuously test my wits.

No other Way.. Some thoughts on love (again)

Found this at Ina's blog.. Simply beautiful..

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
***
I've always believed that when you love someone, you love that person enough to want that person to be happy, even if that happiness is away from you. Pablo Neruda captures that essence in his beautiful poem. Mind you I'm not the poetry type of person but when I saw this at Ina's blog, I couldn't help but sigh and whisper to myself-- how true it is.
Over the past few days three friends told me about their ill fated heart affairs. Two girlfriends talked about their were just friends (forever) relationships. One has been carrying a torch for this guy for more than 15 years already (and he still hasn't noticed a thing-- another "moron" to borrow Karen's words) while my other friend gets a barrage of songs everyday from this guy whom we don't know whether he's a frustrated songhists collector or a true blue torpe. Another friend told me how she felt so stupid because she fell for this guy who turned out to be a frog instead of a prince. Each of those stories brought to light the various faces of love-- how not all love stories end with the fairy tale endings we're all used to. And though it can be frustrating, it's part of the never ending cycle of loving, learning, letting go, moving on, and learning to love once again.
Once upon a time I also fell in love and just like what Len has been telling me all these weeks, sarap akong batukan. I don't know if I've never learn or I'm simply stupid. But as the poem goes, I know no other way. And even if that story still remains hanging, I find myself feeling extremely grateful because I have loved and I am loved. I know in his own way he cares. And though I may not mean anything to him, he means the world to me.

So I love you because I know no other way.