Courage

"When you're scared and you still do it anyway, that's being brave" so said Coraline Jones. During my defense I told my panel that my prayer for the past year was that I find the courage to always be brave. They thought I was just talking about my academic and health struggles. But for me, it was really about LIFE itself. The end of my academic life meant that I was finally going to face the one thing I avoided through the years-- taking charge of my life.

Since my defense last march, I've never felt the urge to use my title of "Phd." When people call me doc hazel, I find it so funny and sometimes even weird. I guess I just felt something was missing. I didn't feel I earned it yet. Academically, I know I've done my part. I passed all the exams and did all the papers. I did the important stuff. But I know that in the defense of "life" I havent earned that right.

So many things have happened over the course of the last four months. People who know me well would know that. There comes a point in life I guess when no matter how great your achievements are, when the most important part is missing, nothing really matters. I know I should have been happy. I did the almost impossible-- finishing two graduate degrees in 6 years, writing a dissertation in 2 months, and breaking records in the process. I should be happy. But honestly? I was not. And it was not about being unsatisfied. And it was not being selfish either. It was about searching for the golden pot at the end of the rainbow but realizing in the end that the treasure you've been looking for was just beside you all along. And you pray that you get to it before it fully disappears.

In the past two weeks I've learned what it meant to be brave. I've learned what it meant to care. I've learned the real definition of what the promise "I'll stick by your side no matter what happens" really meant. But most of all I've learned what matters most in my life is worth fighting for with every living breathe in my soul.

Cha once told me that the reason why I couldn't speak up in January was because I was afraid. The fear of losing the most important person in my life was driving me to shut up. But she also said that one day, that very same fear will be the fuel that would finally drive me to do what has been long overdue. She was right.

I finally found my courage to be brave. And maybe I finally earned the right to be called Dr. Hazel last tuesday night. With God as a witness, I finally defended my the dissertation of life. I finally found the cause to willingly march into hell for. And yes, it was worth it. And though I know life will still surprise me with more trials, at least now I know that I can endure. And I start my new day with the hope that things will slowly become okay.

I still believe in the inate goodness of man. Despite everything. I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. I've always been different. But two opinions matter to me--and they come from my two best friends. And nearly losing the most important aspect of my life pushed me to fight the battle of my life.

When you find that treasure, you realize that it's worth every tear, every pain, and every strength of your soul. Not even the devil himself can stop me from fighting for my heart. I marched into hell and would willingly do so again for that one cause.

I am finally happy.

(And to the one who nearly destroyed it, thank you pa din. Kung sino ka man, I wish you well.I wish you a life that is less sad because I feel really sad for you. Sorry na lang di ka magtatagumpay..)

***
I did not know I could be brave. Thank you for giving me that gift.

Tears anyone?

Raffy and were talking this morning and she told me how she has never seen me cry. She told me about my friend who seemed so scared of talking to me because he is unsure of what to do if I end up crying. She found it quite puzzling that I might actually cry because I've always appeared to be so strong.

I guess Raffy is partly right and partly wrong. Yup, I rarely cry for myself in public. In the face of the people I love, I always end up being the strong one. Even if I am in a great deal of pain, I rarely cry. I don't know why but I find it so easy to cry for someone else but not for me. I am a crybaby when it comes to other people's concerns. I am a crybaby when watching movies (hey! I even cried while watching Space Jam!) and tv (Yesterday I cried while watching an episode of Oprah!).But when it comes to personal concerns, I admit, I rarely cry. Parang nalagyan ng cork yung tearducks ko. But still, I hurt. Hindi po ako bato.

I do cry when I am alone. I been doing that a lot lately. I cry for everything that I miss-- the friend I feel I am losing slowly and the me that I feel is getting more and more lost. I cry for the heart that is slowly withering and I cry for the happy times that once made me smile. It's quite ironic really that my friend thinks I am so fragile. He's the only one who seem to see me that way. I don't know if he does not know me or he knows me too well. I am confused.But maybe he is right. I am not as strong as I say I am. But I sure do try. What he fails to see I guess is that even if I may end up broken, I'd rather be broken than left in a glass cage-- seemingly perfect but totally not okay.

And its okay to end up broken at times. Because its only then that you learn to pick yourself up. With each fall, you learn to stand up once more.

Last night I told my best friend Ella that I was so tired of crying. I realized now that it's not the tears that I was tired of but the dull pain that seems to be stuck by my side. It's a pain that reminds me that as each day pass, my limbo because more and more a limbo. And if I had a chance to right some things in my life, I know I'd like to start with that.

I just want my friend back. That's all.

Everyday

Everyday I think of something that would push me to get up and enjoy life. Sometimes it's kinda hard but most of the time I find something worth waking up for. I guess life is like that-- some days are good and some days are bad. When it's good, you feel like you're on top of the world. But when it's bad, it can be a real downer. This morning I was reading an email from my uncle and it read, "I wish you enough..." I thought it was really lovely especially the line, "I wish you enough 'Hellos' to get you through the final Good-bye." It hit me then, that in life goodbyes will be inevitable and when that day comes we all wish for the strength to get us through that final goodbye.

Sometimes its hard to be brave. Today was a particularly hard day for me. I guess it has just been tough recently. But I try. I sure do try. It's not all sadness naman. I still smile. Like Last night the gang and I got drunk while playing badminton and celebrating kei's birthday on court. We sure did have fun. Imagine playing when you hardly see the ball. Kei and I were running all over the court. The funniest thing happened when Kei asked who won the first set when we were still in the middle of it. We sure did have a great laugh. That was a good night. Karen told me I was so masipag. I wish I could be as persevering in other areas as well. Because sometimes it's hard.

Such a sad entry this is. I guess what I'm trying to say is, in life there are good moments and sad moments. Last night was a good moment. It wasn't the greatest moment but it was a good moment. Today was not so good. But I guess it's just part of the circle of life.. And tomorrow is another day.. Another chance to start anew...

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright."
"I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more."
"I wish you enough happiness to keep your spiritalive."
"I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger."
"I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting."
"I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess."
"I wish you enough 'Hellos' to get you through the final Good-bye.''

***
I wish you enough happiness to last your lifetime.

Sana...Thoughts on A Monday

I think I'm turning into a Sharon fan.. =)

Sana'Y Maghintay Ang Walang Hanggan

Doon ka, dito ako
Hindi magkatagpo
Tawag ko’y di marinig bat kay layo mo
Lapitan man ay di mo matanaw
Bingi’t bulag sa akin ay walang pakiramdam
Sayang na pagmamahal
Paano ng pag-ibig kong walang hanggan

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

Narito ang puso kong inilaan sayo
Pagod na nanginginig baka magtampo
Naghihintay ang labi kong uhaw
Handog nito’y ligayang di mapapantayan
Sayang na pagmamahal
Parang hangin lamang sa iyo’y nagdaan

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

***
When I first heard this song, I thought it was nice. I found mysefl being drawn to it more and more. I think I know now why. It speaks of what I feel right now. It tells my story and the story of my heart. My MA thesis was all about the songs that we sing and what it says about us. This is the song of my heart right now.

On the way home last night from another day of tournament, I had a nice talk with Luis. What made it nice was the realization that finally I made sense to someone. That someone understood, that someone listened to me without judgment.

Yes its hard sometimes, to care for someone who is consciously pushing you away. Hindi ako bato. And yes sometimes I wonder how I can choose to still care. But that's just the way I am built. Maybe that is my gift (or my curse, for some).Luis said that maybe that is my purpose in life. Maybe so.

All I know is that I am happy when I see the people I love happy. And I hurt when I see the people I love hurt. Luis teased me for over empathizing with him andPeter during their match yesterday. I actually looked more tense that them. I even threw up my entire lunch in the middle of their second set out of tension. hehehe. But that is me. I guess I am weird talaga. When they lost, my heart broke. I am just happy that they fought a good fight.

Everyday I pray that amidst everything I could still care. That whatever happens, I can still choose to love with all my heart. And I pray that in the end I'd still have a heart that can love no matter what. Sometimes I find myself crying for me and for my friend. But Luis is right, its part of the path that I chose to take. And its part of the journey of our life.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if I can still be the Hazel that dreams and hopes forever. What I know now though is that my heart will beat as long as it can and will love as long as it can love. The song is right, sana maghintay ang walang hanggan..

And I will try to be me as long as I can.
***
I just miss my friend. Sana talk to me naman. Kung galit ka, tell me and that is okay.

Tagged by Kath

Put an "x" by all the things you've done and share it with your friends.

1. (x) Smoked a cigarette. Pag mega badtrip...Saka nung new year's ever, grade 5 with my cousin to light firecrackers
2. ( ) Crashed a friend's car.
3. ( ) Stolen a car.
4. (x) Been in love.
5. (x) Been dumped. (i guess)
6. ( ) Shoplifted.
7. ( ) Been fired/laid off.
8. ( ) Been in a fist fight.
9. ( ) Snuck out of your parent's house
10. (xxxxxx) Had feelings for someone that didn't have them back. --> MADAMI NA!!!
11. ( ) Been arrested.
12. ( x) Gone on a blind date- twice!
13. (x) Lied to a friend.
14. ( x) Skipped school. --> cha? naka ilan tayo?
15. ( x) Seen someone die--> an 23 week old preamie the size of a shoebox
16. ( ) Been to Canada.
17. ( ) Been to Mexico.
18. (x) Been on a plane.
19. ( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
20. (x) Eaten sushi.
21. ( ) Been skiing.
22. ( ) Met someone in person from the internet.
23. (x) Taken pain-killers. --> but technically bawal
24. (xxxxx) Love someone or miss someone right now.
25. (x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
26. ( ) Made a snow angel.
27. ( x) Had a tea party.
28. ( x) Flown a kite.
29. ( ) Built a sand castle. --> attempted maybe
30. (x ) Gone puddle jumping--> when i was a kid
31. (x) Played dress up.
32. (x) Cheated while playing a game.
33. (x) Been lonely.
34. (x ) Fallen asleep at work/school.
35. ( ) Used a fake I.D.
36. (x) Watched a sunset.
37. (x) Felt an earthquake.
38. (x) Touched a snake.
39. (xx ) Slept beneath the stars.
40. (x) Been tickled.
41. ( x) Been robbed.
42. (x) Been misunderstood.
43. ( ) Petted a reindeer/goat.
44. (x) Won a contest. -->badminton
45. ( xxxx) Ran a red light. --> madaming beses
46. ( ) Been suspended from school.
47. (x) Been in a car accident. --> blooper magnet
48. (x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
49. (x) Had deja vu.
50. (x) Danced in the moonlight.
52. (x) Liked the way you looked.
53. ( x) Witnessed a crime. --> manuela. barilan
54. (x) Questioned your heart.
55. (x) Been obsessed with post it notes. --> there was a point i got fascinated with online ones
56. ( ) Squished barefoot through the mud.
57. (x) Been lost.
58. (x) Been to the opposite side of the country.
59. (x) Swam in the ocean.
60. (x) Felt like dying.
61. (x) Cried yourself to sleep.
62. (x) Played cops and robbers.
63. (x) Recently colored with crayons.
64. (x) Sung karaoke.
65. (x) Paid for a meal with only coins.
66. (x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. > good thing hindi enumeration!
67. (x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose.
68. (x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
69. ( x) Danced in the rain--> glided in the rain at 3am
70. ( x) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
71. ( x) Been kissed under the mistletoe. --> hmmm naalala ko to! hahahaha!
72. ( x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
73. (x) Blown bubbles.
74. (x ) Made a bonfire on the beach--> mam len!!
75. ( ) Crashed a party.
76. (x) Gone roller-skating.
77. (x) Had a wish come true.
78. (x) Worn pearls.
79. ( ) Jumped off a bridge.
80. ( ) Ate dog/cat food.
81. ( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them.
82. ( ) Kissed a mirror.
83. (x) Sang in the shower.
84. (x) Had a dream that you married someone.
85. (x) Glued your hand to something.
86. ( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flagpole.
87. ( ) Kissed a fish.
88. (x) Sat on a rooftop.
89. (x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
90. ( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
91. (x) Talked on the phone for more than six hours on one occasion.
92. (x) Stayed up all night.
93. ( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
94. ( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
95. ( x) Climbed a tree that had a tree house.
96. ( x) Been told by a complete stranger that you're hot.
97. ( ) Ever had a one night stand.
98. ( XXXX) Ever missed someone so much it still hurts to think of them.
99. (x) Ever loved someone that you knew wouldn't love you back. --> lagi lagi
100 ( x) Ever been to a professional baseball, football, or hockey game in a stadium.
101.(x) Went hiking in the mountains. --> sort of hiking with a tourist trail, hehe
102. ( x) Smoked a cigar.
103. (x) Had a crush on someone you worked with but never told them. --> oh yeah, si reyrey
104. (x ) Wished you had the chance to change your profession.
105. ( ) Ever cremated and kept the ashes of a pet you cared a lot about.
106. (x) Wished you could live your life over again beginning at age 21.
107. (x) Been baptized.
108. ( x) Rode a horse.
109. ( ) Sent flowers to someone you never met.

Memories

Memories serve two purpose in life. They offer a sense of remembrance of the good times and they leave a sense of nostalgia over days gone by. I was texting Ella this evening that our Subic trip was a year ago yesterday. We both couldn't believe that it was only 366 days ago when we had our gluttony trip to Days Hotel in Subic with Peter. We were only three but it felt like we were one whole baranggay. We had so much fun then. I still remember the entire trip as if it was only yesterday.

How time indeed fly. Imagine that was one year ago. So many things has happened since then. We gained new friends and lost old friends. I earned a degree and got a new lease in life. Everything's different now.

On days like today when it's almost impossible to smile, I look back on days like our Subic trip to remind me that once upon a time I had the best smile. It gives me both hope and fear about the future. Hope that things will become better soon and fear that things will never be like they were before.

It's confusing to describe how I feel right now. I just know that things are quite hard today. Especially today.

So I hold on to my memories and hope and pray.. Tomorrow after all is another day.

GoodBye Forever

Peter once told me that I should be ready for days like this. My work at PCMC entails such readiness for death. As a volunteer for the hospice, I take care of kids with various life threatening illness. It's not an easy task but it's a task I've come to love. I wish I could just follow Peter's advice before. But how does one prepare for losing someone you've learned to love?Sine June I've been doing my internship at PCMC. There I started a tutorial program for a group of cancer patients who had to stop schooling because of their treatment. One of my kids there was Adam. He had Leukemia.

At 3pm today I got a call from Eileen- Adam died today at PCMC. He was only 12. His life cut short by a disease that he could even barely understand.

I cried after Eileen's call. I felt so sad. Adam was just a kid. And just last thursday he was okay. We worked on his science assignment and did some exercise on reasoning. He was a bit dizzy because of his chemo but he tried his best. It was always like that with Chemo. I was not worried because Adam was such a fighter. When he got tired he asked me if he could just continue his assignment at home. Tomorrow we were even supposed to do the muscular system together and afterwards the brain.

I used to fear teaching kids. But Adam and the rest of my pcmc family taught me to love it. I intentionally did not want to handle kids in school because I wasn't the entertainer type of teacher. But Adam and his classmates were patient with me. Funny how I was supposed to be the one teaching them yet I ended up learning from them.

I have fond memories of Adam but the fondest was when he shared his wish with me several months ago. He wanted to go home to Bicol. He wanted to go back to school and eat his favorite veggies. They were a poor family, at times they barely had anything to eat. But they were happy. He spoke of how his mom and grandmother would sell vegetables in the market so that they could have food to eat. He was an intelligent kid. Despite his condition, he wanted to learn. He used to be the top of his class and he looked forward to going back when he was better.

Adam will finally get his wish to go home. I wished it was under good circumstances. Not like this.

During days like these I find myself asking why God can be cruel at times. I know it is bad and he has his reasons. But Adam was just 12. He deserved a longer life. He deserved a life. I wish I could make sense of his wisdom. How does one explain to a mother that his beloved son is dead? And how do we explain to our other tutees tomorrow that their beloved kuya is gone?

Maybe I will never be really prepared for losing someone I love. I don't think I'll ever be what Peter told me once I should be when it comes to handling these sick kids. They are not only patients of mine because more than just being patients they are my friends. And saying goodbye to friends will never be easy.

How do you say goodbye to a friend... I don't know. All I know is that when you lose a friend, life will never be the same again.

Happiness is..

1. Eating arroz caldo from KFC.
2. Boys night with the guys and getting drunk till 3am
3. Getting lost in the makati side streets and finding your way out soon after.
4. Doing a mini jumpsmash on court.
5. Seeing my friend smile for the first time in days.
6. A great bowl of ice cream at icebergs'
7. Looking at my new babies-- Sophie, Chabelito, Duke, and Sultan.
8. Finishing my grades! (yehey! vacation na!)
9. Finding a great book at national bookstore
10. Being with the people who makes me want to smile.

Reasons of the Heart

Sometimes I feel that I am being put on trial for being who I am. Maybe because I am too different at times. I do things that have been described as pathetically stupid by others perhaps because they do look stupid to most. Yet to me, its part of being true to myself. Call me a martyr or a wannabe saint but it's me. I can't help not to care. I can't help not be who I really am. Sometimes I wonder if the world has indeed gone jaded that no one can fathom how one can care without expecting anything in return. I asked Mimo last night if I was abnormal. Funny how he replied-- Ang mundo ang abnormal. Take that from a priest with a degree in psychology.hahaha.

The heart has its reasons and its reasons need no explanations. Yes, I often choose the road less travelled and yes, I do things most of the time in extraordinary ways. But I do them because in my heart that is the best way. I found it quite ironic that in a world where we try to teach the principles of loving with all our hearts, we often try to avoid feeling hurt. And I often ask, what is wrong with getting hurt?

"Nasasaktan ka ba?"

Of course I get hurt. Hindi po ako bato at hindi po ako manhid. No one is one hundred percent happy. I get hurt over the little things and over the big things. But it doesn't mean that I have to walk away. And most of all it doesn't discount the happiness that I experienced because of meeting that person. C.S. Lewis once said that Pain is part of the happiness then and will also be part of the happiness of tomorrow. Perhaps if we could just learn to see the beauty that remains despite pain, then we'd realize that pain is nothing to be scared of. Yes I cry and I get hurt and frustrated but I also feel happy. To get to experience perfect happiness is a gift I will treasure forever. And no amount of frustration can take away that gift.

"12 years?20 years? Is it the length of friendship? Or the amount of love you have invested on it? In which case, di yun sayang.. Twas worth each loving moment that you gave it." (Mimo's text, 2/13/06)

Life is a package deal. You can't just pack away the bad stuff away and leave all the happy stuff behind. So is love. If we turn to the greatest love of all--the example of Jesus and his sacrifice one can see how pain and happiness is part of the circle of life and love. I do not intend to judge people who walk away because they got hurt for we all have our choices. We make our own paths and we follow our own hearts. And I hope that I also not be judged for choosing to walk my own path in the way I know how. Life is too short to be spent on wallowing in self pity and regret.In the remaining years of my life, I'd like to live each day making each moment count and living with no regrets at all.

I am no expert in love and I am not the person to ask for love advice. But one thing I know is that I have loved and I have always loved in the way I know how. One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving (Fatima, The Alchemist). We cannot force people to love us back, all we could really do is love them with all our hearts and let them find their own bliss. Love them enough to want them to be happy.

I know to some I looked stupid, sitting on the cold pavement two nights ago. But in that cold place I found the warmth of a heart that feels alive. In that tiny space I mattered and I found my little piece of heaven. I was in a place where I was supposed to be in the time I was supposed to be in with the person I was supposed to be with. I was there because the whole universe conspired for me to be there. And there's nothing pathetic about that. Beyond anything else that is my friend out there and that person means the world to me.

Hanggang kelan?

Until I can still love. I don't think people will ever comprehend what I meant when I say "I hope but I do not expect." And I understand. I think I ought to stop trying to prove to the world why I am the way I am. As long as my heart remains beating, I will continue to be true to who I really am. I think I earned that right a long time ago.(someday mareng toni, when you find that great love of yours you will finally understand. I hope you find him and I pray that when it comes, you will find also find the right path for you.)

"So I loved you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you." (Santiago, The Alchemist)

The Things That Matter

Last year I told myself my graduate school life will end on March 25, 2006. I didn't think I 'd make it but I did. And even though I won't be joining my friends in the ceremonies tomorrow, I still consider myself like them--a graduate. I earned my right to be called one last week. A ceremony missed will never take that honor away.

Six years ago I remember talking to my college dean about titles and their meanings.I was supposed to graduate with honors but was stripped off the title because of a technicality. I was so depressed then because I deliberately stayed back 1 sem to make sure my gpa would be high enough. The medal would have meant that I was able to turn my life around after a really bad start in college. I worked hard for that medal and to be stripped of it 3 days before the ceremony was heartbreaking. But my dean was right, no one could take the honor away from me. She told me that in the end, it's just a medal but what I did and what I accomplished will never be taken away.

She was right. Life is like that. We do not often get what we want in the packaging we want but you earn your happiness not by the medals and trophies you bring home but by the hardwork you did in order to accomplish your goal.

Bawat karangalan ay pinaghihirapan. Bawat luha ay may kapalit na ligaya.

We always say that in the end it's not about winning or losing but fighting the good fight. This year I've learned that in so many ways not only in badminton, in school but also in life. I know I always end up choosing the road less travelled. May pagka masochista din ako eh. hahaha. Karen would often scold me for my unusual choices. But I always say, I'd rather lose with integrity than win without heart.

Life is short. I don't expect a long life and who knows if I am still here tomorrow. So maybe I am indeed a masochist, but I'd like to believe its just my way of trying to be brave.

***
If I could choose between having my friend again and all the titles in the world, I'd choose my friend any second of the day. It's just a title that became meaningful because of you.

The Final Hours

11 hours to go before I will fight for my right to be called a doctor. Funny how a title can mean so much to so many people yet appear so ordinary for some. As much as I want to be the full pledged phd, I also know that there's something more.

What I have gained the past few days in terms of insights and learnings can surpass the learnings of three phds.

I've learned that in life people are bound to disappoint you but if you care to look around, there'll be angels who will surprise you. Minsan may dala pa silang Kape!

I've learned that even those whom you thought know you well can end up misjudging you. But you can choose to either be angry or just accept the hard truth that in the end you are your very own judge. No one can hurt you as much as you allow him to.

I've learned that titles are just that-- titles.

I've learned that it's hard to be intelligent at times.. Di mo magawang maging slow. =) Sabi nga ni cha, not that we're bragging pero di ba ang hirap di pansinin ang mga bagay na super obvious na?!

I've learned that if you love yourself enough you can take charge of your life and claim it as your own. Even if that life does not conform to what others may want. In the end it's your choice.

I've learned that it might be okay to be like wise guru antover or as deadma as partner. You don't get hurt much. Kaso I'm not built that way.

I've learned not to be angry but embrace hurt when I feel it and not be ashamed.

I learned to be brave.

At 2pm today if I am lucky i will end up with a new addition to my name-- hazel ramos, phd. If given the choice, i'd like to be hazel, the brave.

Conversations

Had a nice talk (or should I say text brigade?) with Cha last night. We thought about how people sometimes exhibit perverted ways of showing you how much they care. And that sometimes even they want to help, they actually are not helping you at all. It's not deliberate but sometimes the people whom you thought know you don't really know you at all.

Shit happens in life. We all know that. We cope in different ways. I cope in my own way. It may sound stupid to some but its my way. I was telling Cha last night that the best judge about how we feel is really ourselves. And sadly I realized that in the end it is only I who can really understand what I am going through and what I went through. Reading my dissertation this morning I came upon the wise words of two researchers-- "a patient's experience is by nature their experience alone." And no matter how we try to tell them "I know what you are going through", we actually don't. And I realized that there's nothing bad about it.

I wrote in my journal once that I want to live a life that is mine. I think I now grasp what it means. It's not just about living a life-- it's about living a life that is your own. I live with a condition that is so uncertain--I don't know if I will be alive tomorrow or not. But each day I try to live my life the best way I know and if people don't understand that, I understand.

Tama si Cha, people do care and they want to care. But sometimes they just don't know how.

And there's nothing wrong with that. We are all human beings living in a world of challenges. We are simply being us.

I guess sometimes it's just hard to be Me in a world where everyone is trying to make you someone else.

Mounting Pressures

Two days before my defense, I'm being pulled by pressure left and right. I wish I could just concentrate on my paper but No! It's the other stuff that is driving nuts this past two days. I'm nearly finished with my presentation and I can't wait to actually see it presented. How I wish the other stuff would go away too.

Minsan iniisip ko haay, sarap mag walkout na lang.. Kung pwede lang.. Sometimes I feel like crying out of frustration but I stop myself. I have to be strong. I have to keep my spirit up. I keep my promises. And I thread on no matter what.

Bittersweet Victories

Our tropa was once again victorious over the weekend at the Mon Ilagan Cup held at the Featheralley Badminton Court. Everyone went home a winner except for our two kumare's who were robbed of victory because of some sore losers. I played in level C with a new partner. We lost the first runner up position by 1 point. It was a heartbreaking loss. We lost due to errors. But still I was happy knowing that it was the first time I went beyond the lowest level in ladies doubles. The court was also poorly maintained that you hardly see the shuttlecock until it was too late and that added to our burdens.

The victory would have been complete if not for the ugly scratch someone left in my car. Someone was mean enough to scratch my car's door while parked in the court's parking lot. It was so frustrating that it nearly ruined my day. Buti na lang Peter and Luis creamed their opponents kaya nabalik ang ngiti ko. Galing ng mga batang isip! hahaha!

After the games we went to visit Leslie's wake once more. There were so many people. We stayed with Marivic for a while before heading out to Len's place once more for our traditional Saturday night quorum. I realized that night how Saturday is not complete without that trip to Provident. No matter how late it was, we still trooped to our favorite hangout and sat on the coded chairs (pampayat at pang mataba!).

We went home tired and sleepy at 2 am. It was one heck of a day--filled with laughter, anxieties and tears. But most of all filled with great memories.

3 days before D-Day..

A life that matters

"MY LIFE IS MEANT TO BE LIVED"

Life is to be lived. No excuses. No reservations. No holding back. An enchanting story about violinist Fritz Kreisler tells how he once came across a beautiful instrument he wanted to acquire. When he finally raised the money for the violin, he returned to buy it and learned that it had already been sold to a collector. He went to the new owner's home in order to try to persuade him to sell the violin. But the collector said it was one of his prized possessions and he could not let it go.

The disappointed Kreisler turned to leave, but then asked a favor. "May I play the instrument once more before it is consigned to silence?" Permission was granted and the great musician began to play. The violin sang out a quality of music so beautiful that the collector himself could only listen in wonderment. "I have no right to keep that to myself," he said after the musician finished. "The violin is yours, Mr. Kreisler. Take it into the world, and let people hear it."

William Arthur Ward said, "If you believe in prayer, pray; if you believe in serving, serve; if you believe in giving, give." For you and I are exquisite violins -- our music is meant to be heard.

I want to live my life that way -- to take it into the world and live it fully. I'd rather burn out than rust out. I'd rather be used up than die not having done whatever I could...wherever I would. I'm not talking about wearing ourselves out on over-activity. Happiness is never found in excessive busyness. But it is found in investing our lives in others. Saying YES when asked for a hand. Volunteering some time for a worthwhile organization. Spending an hour with a lonely relative.

In the end, I know that my happiness will not have been about my ability or my inability. It will have been about my availability. My life is meant to be lived.

***

It's true how we often take our lives for granted and live it only when it's almost too late to do so. With Les' demise I realized how each moment is indeed meant to be lived to the fullest. We shouldn't take it for granted. We need to exhaust the breathe out of life and live a life that is meant to be lived. It's sad that it took the death of a friend to be reminded of that. I realized that in the end, our titles and riches do not really matter-- if you live a life well and you are loved, then you matter.

Reese Witherspoon said in her oscar acceptance speech that we all yearn to matter in this life. And I think she's right. When you matter, you are alive. Sometimes we may not matter to the person we want but I guess it's not always about getting what you want. Sometimes people just don't see you the way you see them. And though it may be sad, you learn to love them anyway.

I want to live my life knowing that I have loved. I want to live a life that matters. I want to live a life that means something.

Ten to One

TEN men you find sexy (kalimot ko na yung list ng e of 100 sexiest celebs eh)
eric bana (I agree with kath)
mark ruffalo
george clooney
john lloyd
orlando bloom
si____
si____
si____
si____
si____
**ang dami masyado ala na ko maisip...

NINE people you would invite to a special party
peter
ella
mark
macre
len
george
karen
luis
weevens

EIGHT sure fire ways to get your attention (positive and negative)
a nice smile
good book
smelly stuff
chikka
nice music
a good joke
nice eyes
pag dumating si ____

SEVEN pet peeves
pasaway people
people who don't text back (haha!)
late people
traffic
controlling people
pressures
waking up too early

SIX women you look up to
Ella
Tita Nel
Len
Vesper
Anne Frank
Dana Reeve

FIVE random things about you
I cry easily about nice and sad things.
I'm so easy to please (super babaw ng kaligayahan)
I love cooking for my friends
I am mushy
There's only one person in this world whom I cannot say no to.

FOUR most romantic songs
Angels Brought Me Here
For the First Time
It Might Be You (for personal reasons)
How Did you Know

THREE places you want to take a vacation in
Palawan
Camiguin
Hawaii

TWO turn ons
A good conversation
A sweet smile

ONE unforgettable moment
Sept 11, 2005 SB Parking Lot

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday we bid farewell to a good friend. Our badminton katropa Leslie died yesterday noontime. It came as a shock since it was barely a month ago when he started to get sick. When the news came to me I nearly froze in my seat while having lunch with my best friend Ella. I called the first person I thought of but unfortunately he was not answering his phone as usual(sana kasi ang cellphone sinasagot paminsan minsan partner, =)). Then I called Macre. The entire afternoon was spent texting all our friends and telling them the sad news. There were so many questions as to the why's and how's but clearly all that really mattered was our friend was gone. By night time I had a full grown migraine and had the worst hyperacidity in months. Stress does that to me. It was a really sad day for us.

I told Tita Nel how it seemed like it was only yesterday when pamilya badminton had its inagural tournament. That was when I first met Leslie and Marivic. They were the formidable pair to beat. Not only were they playing partners they were also partners at heart. Peter and I played against them in the semifinals. It was a good game. We got to play against them 2 weeks before in a practice game but we were not yet introduced. Through the months that followed, we bonded with them on and off court. Just a couple of weeks ago, Mavic and I were even joking about wedding makeup with ate grace.

How heartbreaking it is to lose someone you love so early. My heart goes out to my friend Mavic and her loss. With the pamilya anniversary coming up, I told tita how sad it was that we'd celebrate it minus one kapamilya.

I'd like to remember Leslie from the last time we played. Peter and I played against him and Mavic. I didn't know then that it would be our last matchup. Peter and I won but not without having lots of fun and banters on court. That's how our games have always been-- no one ends up losing because you all have fun. Then afterwards Les and I partnered up. We lost but we had lots of laughter on court too.

He was a true gentleman and real nice guy. He will be most missed.

Goodbye Leslie. Enjoy playing badminton in heaven. See you =)

Submitted

I submitted my dissertation today to my panel. All 225 pages of it. I terribly lack sleep and my head is spinning. But I am just glad it's done. Now I get to rest for a while before the great defense. I hope I get a schedule soon. Honestly I just feel so tired right now that I feel like I just want to sleep the whole day away.

I never imagined that I 'd get to finish my work this sem. It just felt so impossible a few weeks ago.

Perseverance they say is keeping faith in the dream. I'm almost there..

The Good and The Bad Dreams

For the past two nights I've been having lots of dreams while asleep. One was good and the other was bad. The first one I dreamt I was with this friend whom I've been missing for some time now. It was a nice dream coz there we finally got to talk. The second dream still involved my friend but this time we were back to reality-- how we rarely spoke these days. I woke up crying.

The easiest therapy they say is to immerse yourself with work. Now I realized it's not as easy as it used to be. We change priorities, we change dreams. You grow up. And you realize that there are simply things more important than work.

I'm nearly done with my dissertation. My gratitude goes to my adviser whose patience and tiyaga is immeasurable. To work on something while your mind is somewhere else is the hardest task in the world. You push yourself beyond your limits not knowing what it is for.

Somewhere along the road I think I must have lost track of my heart. I've got to find that again.

I have to find me again

Dead Tired

Just submitted the last chapter of my dissertation. My head is spinning so bad that I don't even remember how I got to write the last five pages of my discussion. I was so focused on my goal to finish that chapter that I did not even realize that I spent 12 straight hours infront of the computer. I rested only once to take a quick shower and eat lunch. I've never spent that much time infront of the computer before. And now I feel that my body is all but ready to collapse.

I feel elated yet at the same time tired. I'm just glad that the hardest part is over.. Everything should be downhill from now.

I hope so..

***
:)

The End is Near

Or so I tell myself.

For the past two weeks I've been driving myself to the grave working on my dissertation. I actually have a camp now under my computer so that I can sleep while working on my paper. Even in my dreams I dream of my dissertation. The other night, I dreamt I that I forgot to write a whole section in one of my case studies. True enough I did forget.

This morning I woke up with fever, an indication that my body is near its breaking point. Why I push myself is beyond comprehension. I do it to fulfill a promise. At the back of my mind I know I can finish. I can will power my way into anything. I've done that before so many times.

But sometimes I ask myself, at what cost?

I really just want to finish so I could move on and face my entire life. Like Cha's thesis, this dissertation is like an annoying thorn stuck in our shoulders that is blocking us from doing the other things we should be doing. So we need to get it out of the way. I just wish I have the energy for that final stretch.

It's not about believing in myself anymore. It's about keeping faith that in the end I'd find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's about pushing yourself to go on even if every ounce of your strength is almost gone.

In the end it's all about doing what needs to be done. Life goes on. We need to thread on.

Hearts

Time out muna from dissertation writing...

"If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: "Because it was he; because it was me."- Montaigne

"A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same"- From Fried Green Tomatoes.

I am amazed by the resiliency of the human heart. It is the one organ that gets most battered yet remains the most intact. When a heart gets broken, you feel its despair. Yet beyond the tears and sadness, a silent beating remains-- the heart will alwasy go on beating.

Sometimes I wonder what keeps us going--what keeps us hoping and what keeps us from giving up. Then I remember what my friend Mimo said, "it's the amount of love you invested that makes everything worth it." I guess he's right-- the more something or someone means to you, the more you hold on. And no matter how hard it can be at times to be understanding and forgiving, you remain strong.

I've been there once. I've survived. I've moved on. And I'm here once again.

Hopefully I'll still survive.

Hopefully my heart will keep on beating just the same.

Who knows maybe this time, ill get my wish. =)

Work

I'm not even sure if I still make sense. Been infront of this pc since yesterday afternoon trying to get my dissertation done. Sometimes I wonder what pushes me- what keeps me going.

I really have no idea.

I'm just tired and hungry right now.

Keeping the Faith

I told Ella I didn't expect any miracles yesterday. I hoped for one but I didn't expect any. Life is easier that way-- you don't set yourself up for any disappointment. In hope you invite the possibility of surprise whereas in expecting you invite disappointment.

It was a valentine's day filled with laughter for me. The day started with brunch with my three kumare's at bite club. the 1 pound XXX burger was the best meal I had in days. We were so noisy in the restaurant that you could hear our stories all the way down to the CR in the first floor. We had a blast laughing about Karen's misadventures in dating. Nakakabilib din ang kumare kong ito-- how she keeps faith despite the bloopers. We laughed about my own woes and the girls tried their best to appease my wary heart. After brunch we decided to go for the best therapy for a broken heart-- get a haircut!! We trooped to my tita's parlor and got ourselves a new look for valentine's. Len had her hair layered while Macre, Karen, and I had a trim.

Still not wanting to go home, we decided to go to riverbanks and buy some dvds and surf the net for Karen's mystery boylet. Unfortunately we couldnt identify him (ayaw pa kasi ipakilala!!!). We hanged out at Len's afterwards before picking up Marlou at PB. He and Karen were joining a valentine's day tournament in Makati (of course eventually champion ang kumare ko!!).

I went home afterwards for a nap and then went back to playersbest. We had no intention of playing but Luis was so persistent that Mark, Macre and I agreed to play with him. Peter later arrived on court but did not play. The gang played with other v-day addicts-- tita lily, revy and recsy and jabar. After two hours of hard core badminton action, we trooped back to provident for a late valentine's dinner.

We laughed and partied till 1:30 am. We actually forgot that it was a tuesday and we had work the next day. Di talaga papatalo ang mga kakulitan nina Mark, Joey, Peter, George at Karen. Star of the night si Luis who had his homily session with Daddy. My tummy hurt so bad from laughing at Karen's "lolo" stories with George's matching mimics. Walang pinatawad-- from Mark's kumpay and La Condena to Len's braso, Raffy's special visitor na biglang dumating and u-me's gramatically challenging texts. Mark and George's version of Katawan was so hilarious!

I did not expect any miracles on Valentines Day. But I got one. Life indeed has a way of surprising you. Kung tutuusin ang babaw ko nga eh. But it was more than enough to make my day.

It wasn't exactly the ending I wanted but it was perfect in its own way. I told Ella that at least yesterday gave me hope-- that rainbows will come my way eventually. And maybe that's what's V-day is really all about-- Restoring our faith that in the end, things will work out for the best.

We just need to keep the faith.

Valentine Wishes

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time."--Maya Angelou

I'd like to believe that love exists despite the harsh realities of life. I'd like to believe that despite everything love will prevail in the end. My good friend mimo told me yesterday that whether 12 or 20 years does not really matter. In the end its the amount of love that you invested in the relationship that matters more. And it was worth each loving moment you gave it.

Happy valentines' day to everyone-- the happy ones who are with their special someones, the sad ones who lost their special someones, the special someones who let go of the ones who loved them, the unrequited ones who chose to love in secret, and even the nonbelievers and cynics who chose not to believe that love exist.

Love is worth is every tear, every pain, every laughter, every joy, and every sorrow. If I had known that this would happen, would I take it all back? No.

As Seth in the City of Angels (which by the way would ranks as the stupidest ending I've ever seen.hehehe), said, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. "

***

Love in the open hand, nothing but that,
ungemmed, unhidden, wishing not to hurt,
as one should bring you cowslips in a hat
swung from the hand, or apples in her skirt;
I bring you, calling out as children do:
'Look what I have! - And these are all for you.'"

The last time I loved forever

Today I did something I rarely do-- I went to mass. I don't know what moved me, perhaps the events of earlier that morning pushed me to the one place where I know where I'll find comfort or because simply I was looking for answers to questions that seem to never end. The celebrant, Fr. Jboy asked the crowd during his homily-- when was the last time you loved forever?

My friend Lyzet once told me that I'm not only a turtle who moves so slowly but I'm also a worm. I have to admit when it comes to a certain part of my life-- I am a chicken. I am not brave. Maybe its because I've been hurt so many times before that I can't help but build that wall. Maybe its because I'm so scared that if I fall this time I may not be able to stand up anymore.

Last night I did the one thing I never thought I could do. I took the biggest risk of all. I wish I could say I was brave about it. Shet I was so scared. More scared than my own comps, phd acads, etc combined. But something in me told me it was time. I wish I could have done it differently. I actually had a great plan. But true to fashion, none of my plans ever came true. So I just did it. Because there was no other way.

People might eventually say that I did a crazy thing-- that I actually committed suicide in a way. But then I hear Fr. JBoy's words-- that love is taking those big risks and opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt. And maybe that's what I just did. I opened myself to that possibility. I wish I could say things will be good from now on. As Peter would say-- life goes on so look on the bright side. I wish it was as easy as that.

There's no turning back now. According to my new favorite heroine, Coraline Jones "Because when you're scared and you still do it anyway, that's brave." I will be brave. At least I try to be. I wish I could be as deadma as the one who gave me Coraline. But I'm not built that way.

I don't know what will happen after today. I don't know if I still have a second best friend after today. I don't know if I still have my friend period. I hope so. I hope I still have a friend.I don't know if I will end up happy or sad. I live each moment awaiting what will happen.

But one thing I know that after today, life will never be the same. My comfort zone is gone.

I have the answer to that question during the homily-- the last time I loved forever was at 2am Feb 12, 2006-- when finally I did the bravest thing I could do--When finally I took that big leap of faith.

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am
The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide
And if wishes and dreams are merely for children
And if love's a tale for foolsI
'll live the dream with you
For all my life and forever
there's a truth I will always know
Though my world divides and shatters
You love will help me by

***
somewhere I have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending:
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

E. E. Cummings

Birthday Week

It's been one hell of a week. My birthday came and went by like a flash of lightning. So many things happened and so many are still happening. I can't believe I actually turned 29 this week. I feel much older.

Although I feel tired and pooped, I can't help but still smile about the way I got to celebrate my birthday. I got to celebrate it with the people who matter most to me-- my family and my dearest friends. I haven't gotten my birthday wish but who knows, baka nalate lang..

29 years. Imagine that. I don't think I ever imagined reaching this age back when I was a kid. Now I'm here. And it leaves me the question, what have I done? And what is out there for me in the future.

I wish I knew.

29 Years

I turned 29 yesterday. I celebrated my special day with some special friends-- my kids at PCMC in the morning and my badminton tropa in the evening. Every year I traditionally have a party for my birthday but this year I thought I'd do something different. The mini kiddie party at pcmc was so refreshing. My tutorial kids made me feel so blessed and happy. I didn't expect their surprise gifts. Ralph's mom made some buko pandan for everyone, Beth provided the pancit, Monique gave me a cute mug. Ziv and Pauline both gave me precious hugs.

After my children's party, I went straight home to cook for my badminton gang. I labored to finish the much requested lasagna, aligue pasta, beef with mushrooms, salsa, hotdog and peach cobbler. By the time I got my cake at shoppersville I was so plastered already. The manong even drove me nuts by asking me if the candles I was requesting was for a girl or a boy (hello! pink cake na heart with happy birthday hazel as an inscription?!!!).

Peter was the first to arrive followed by Fr. Ben and Ella some two hours later. While waiting for everyone, we decided to check out my growing movie collection which unfortunately I havent been able to watch. hehehe. When the gang was finally complete it was a night of roaring laughters. Mark and George took care of entertainment followed by karen. It was hillarious watching the boys scramble to the cr for fear that they would see a ghost. I even pulled a trick over mark when I closed all the lights. The party lasted till 2am.

I'm grateful for the 29 years of my life. I know I live on borrowed time and I hope that this year I will finally be able to make the difference I promised myself.

Blue Wednesday

Sometimes I feel like hating Wednesdays especially days like today. I was greeted again by death at PCMC. Two of my recent referrals in the hospice passed away from their respective illnesses. Our rounds at the wards also was quite depressing. We visted three patients at the neuro ward, each gravely ill from TB meningitis, TB sarcoma and Viral Encephalitis. There was nothing much we could do for them. Maximo, who has viral encephalitis has been in a vegetative state since last year. He can no longer talk, move, open his eyes, or do anything except jerk his arms due to involuntary movements.He has ugly bed sores and looks like a 7 year old instead of a 15 year old boy. George, the one with TB sarcoma, has a head the size of a bowling ball. He's also semi comatose due to his operation. The doctors removed a tumor the size of a fist from his 2 year old head.

Sad. Fortunately I saw Jerald at the wards as well.. He's my tutee with ALL. He was confined for his chemotherapy. Despite the painful meds, he was all smiles when I visited him this morning. I even reminded him of his homework for monday.

5 days before my birthday, I'm feeling depressed. I call this my pre birthday anxsts. =) Last night's badminton play was quite stressful as I had to deal with some kupals on court. oh well. that's life. Buti na lang may mga comedy moments kami ni mark on court. =)

I long for better days ahead...

Movie Marathon

I saw Little Manhattan and Rumor has it with my best friend Ella last night. The two movies were both nice although I enjoyed Little Manhattan more. Who wouldn't? It was all about the joys and pains of first love from the eyes of two 11 year old kids. Ahh! Those days of youth. I wish life was as simple as the nine square blocks of the world of Gabe and Rosemary Telesco. Ella and I actually chose the wrong movies to watch last night. We wanted to go out to forget about our presently own confused worlds yet we found ourselves becoming more emotional as we relived the bittersweet lovestory of Gabe and Rosemary and Sara's neurotic family and love life.

According to Gabe, there will only be one first love. I admire his sweet optimism. That despite having the love of his life for only two and a half weeks, he remained optimistic about everything. Despite feeling the pains of losing his love, he also admits he was never as happy as he was with her. He looked so cute when he told Rosemary, "I love you. Do you think you might actually love me too?" And while he looked so sad when she said, "I don't know. I'm only eleven," he taught me the courage that comes with loving-- that even if you don't get the answer you hope for, you remain caring and giving enough to give her a hug and just love her back.

Now I'm getting emotional again. I've been trying to avoid it the past week. I even got somewhat successful (except during those times of the day and night when I find myself brooding again). Sara's heart wrenching line left some pretty emotional highs and lows in our system. "I'm not here to say I can't live without you. Because I can Live without you. I just choose not to." I think no explanation is needed for that. It captured what my best friend and I are going through these past weeks. And for those who bear witness to my semi neurotic life these days, I truly apologize.

Okay, call me a sucker for romantic movies. Well, at least in the movies, I get to have my somewhat happy endings. A sappy romantic at heart, I'd like to believe that true love does exist. And that true love is indeed worth waiting for. I'm just glad I have my best friend with me to ride out these storms. Yon nga lang, medyo pag nagkasabay kami ng storms, we often end up doing so many neurotic things. hehehe. San kaya tayo mapapadpad sa sunod?

Haay tama na ang drama!!!!! Here I go again..

***
"I'm not here to say I can't live without you. Because I can Live without you. I just choose not to."

Welcome Back

After nearly three weeks, we saw our friend smile and laugh on court again. It was a moment that nearly took my breathe away. For weeks I've watched my friend become more sullen than ever. I could not understand what was happening and I guess I just tried to be as patient as I can. There were times I was nearly at my wits end trying to figure things out. And at times I still am confused. But seeing my friend smile again gave me hope--that things will be better soon. I am just happy to have my friend back. Kahit na halos mamatay matay ako sa pagod nung tuesday, it made everything worth it.

Sabi nga nina Karen, super babaw ko daw. True. One smile was enough to make my day. One laugh made my week. I guess I just miss my friend. I miss seeing my friend happy. Super sungit kasi lately. As much as I try to appear not affected, I feel sad still. I feel sad that the one who makes me smile and laugh is the one in need of smiles and laughters these days. And with less than two weeks to go before my birthday, I'm wishing that things will become brighter soon.

Welcome back. Sana di ka na mag emote... Kakamiss din ang mga tawa mo eh.

Happy Thoughts

After nearly three weeks, we saw our friend smile and laugh on court again. It was a moment that nearly took my breathe away. For weeks I've watched my friend become more sullen than ever. I could not understand what was happening and I guess I just tried to be as patient as I can. There were times I was nearly at my wits end trying to figure things out. And at times I still am confused. But seeing my friend smile again gave me hope--that things will be better soon. I am just happy to have my friend back. Kahit na halos mamatay matay ako sa pagod nung tuesday, it made everything worth it.

Sabi nga nina Karen, super babaw ko daw. True. One smile was enough to make my day. One laugh made my week. I guess I just miss my friend. I miss seeing my friend happy. Super sungit kasi lately. As much as I try to appear not affected, I feel sad still. I feel sad that the one who makes me smile and laugh is the one in need of smiles and laughters these days. And with less than two weeks to go before my birthday, I'm wishing that things will become brighter soon.

Welcome back. Sana di ka na mag emote... Kakamiss din ang mga tawa mo eh.

The Sad days

I feel blue today. Last night as I was talking to Ella we both wondered how we never seem to get it-- how we always end up finding ourselves in the same situation over and over again. I don't know if we're just too stubborn or just plain stupid.

I am a hopeless romantic. Admittedly, I am a sucker for optimism. But there are times when I just feel its hard to remain one. Sometimes I wish I could just turn feelings on and off at a whim. Maybe then it would be easier. Maybe then it wouldn't matter so much.

I know I shouldn't wallow in self pity. I have so much going on for me. But in the end, I'd gladly walk away from it all, for that one thing that truly matters...

Sige na nga tama na ang pageemote...
***
Found this nice love poem by the eternal romantic Pablo Neruda. I wish I always have his faith.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
-Pablo Neruda

Little Life Goals

My body is half numb until now. I wouldn't be surprised because I played 18 hard sets of badminton last Saturday. It was worth it naman coz I finally got to accomplish one of my secret goals in badminton. I finally beat one of my biggest opponents on court. My best friends thought it was so funny and mababaw of me to have such a goal but honestly, I thought it was such a big goal on my part. I used to be stomped a lot on court by this opponent and one of the reasons why I started training because there was a time she made me feel that I wasn't a worthy opponent. I understood back then coz I was pathetic then and who would really want to play with a newbie? But instead of holding a grudge (hahaha), I decided to get training, practice, and made it my goal to beat her one day.

1.5 years of training finally bore fruits. And it stressed what all aspiring badminton nobodies like me should learn by heart---Nothing is impossible if you work hard for it. Seeing their faces made every darn pain in my legs and arms worth it. By the time I got to Len's house at 11pm that night I was dead tired. My arms and legs were all but ready to fall apart.

I'm a girl with such a mababaw na happiness. I find joy in almost anything-- a smile, good food, great weather, nice books, seeing the person I want to see, etc. But last Saturday was something else. It was a great day. Even my coach was proud.

Time to end the gloating--time to get back to work.

****
I wish you saw it. You would have been proud. I hope you're okay. Whereever you are

Voiceless

I lost my voice last night. I don't exactly know why but by 8pm my voice was already so hoarse you could make me sing what a wonderful world and I'd sound exactly like louie armstrong. My students were laughing when I opened the class this afternoon.

Losing my voice made me reflect more on some things that have been bothering me lately. Since I can't say the things I want to say, I found myself writing them instead. I've always found joy in writing my thoughts but due to my ever hectic schedule, I seem to have lost track of this once loved hobby. So I guess being voiceless does indeed have its own perks. I just wish I don't sound so much like Inday badiday coz I really look stupid when I speak in front of people. =P

I'm sleepy.

A letter to a Sibling I Never Knew

Dear Serene,

We lost you thirteen years ago today. I still remember that day vividly. It was a saturday. It was kevin costner's birthday. And I also went to a party for my bestfriend Mariel in Marikina. We had fun then. When I got home I remember seeing mommy being carried down the stairs. She was bleeding and daddy was going to take her to the hospital. A few hours later, we heard that you were gone.

I remember when Mommy told me she was pregnant. I was taken by surprise. It never entered my mind to be a big sister all over again at 16. Ves and I had a huge age gap and I couldn't imagine how it would be like to have a younger brother or sister who is almost old enough to be your own.The way Ves and I grew up, we weren't exactly your ideal siblings (i'm sure you heard about our classic battles and bickerings) I wasn't ready to be a big sister then but I remember that as the days went by, I became more and more excited about your coming. Things weren't exactly roses during those days at home and your coming was seen as a blessing-- a new start for everyone.

Then just as I was adjusting to the fact that I was to be a big sister again, you were gone. In the blink of an eye, you were gone. I felt extremely guilty back then. I felt that I might not have wanted you enough. I admit at first I was angry and scared about your coming. The childish part of me screamed, "oh no! another one to steal my parents' attention away." But then I realized how much your presence was changing the way things were at home. Things became brighter and happier. So when you died, I felt so sad. I felt so bad that I never even got to see how you looked like-- we never got to play all those games I prepared for your coming and we never got sing the songs we were supposed to sing.

Through the years I'd often stop and imagine how you would look like growing up. If you were a girl, we would have named you Serene while if you were a boy, you would have been named Ignatius (you were supposed to be born on the feast of St. Ignatius). Whenever I see kids your age, I often wondered what would you have been like had you lived. But although I felt sad that I never got to meet you, I also feel relieved that at least you didn't have to go through what we went through over the years. It would have been tough on a kid to go through such trials. And for that I am grateful that God chose to make you an angel instead.

Still I would have wanted to be your big sister. You would have been 13 this year. Imagine that-- you'd be a highschool student now. And instead of me talking to you in this letter, we'd probably be talking about your crushes, dreams, and all those teenage stuff instead. And I often wondered, how life would be different had you lived. But I know we can't live in a world of what ifs and buts. One thing I do know is that for the short time we had you in our lives, you made such a big difference.

I never got to tell you how much I loved you. And that I didn't mean not to want you at first. One day when we meet again, perhaps I'll finally get to be the big sister I was meant to be with you. babawi na lang ako sa langit. =)

Take care sweet little angel. Wherever you are.

Ate

If you could..

If you could do anything right now without care or whim, what would it be and why?
If you could repeat a part of your life all over again, what would it be?
If you could say anything to anyone right at this moment what would you say?
If you were given a choice between loving but getting hurt or not loving at all, what would you choose?
If you were given a chance to be anywhere at this very moment, where would you choose to go?
If you have one hour left to live, how would you live your life?

Sometimes the hardest questions in life are actually those who have the simplest answers-- if only we have the courage to answer them.

If only.

Monday Hugs

I haven't been feeling well since last night. In fact early this morning I woke up with a slight fever. Not wanting to miss class or my internship, I headed out to pcmc for my monday tutorials. I missed my kids there last week due to a flat tire episode so I didn't want to miss this week's tutorial session again. Arriving a few minutes late I was greeted by the smiles of Ziv, Monique, Rustom, Renato, Adam, and Paulene-- all kids with cancer and other life threatening illnesses. Later on Ralph joined us as well. We did our usual lessons of reading and writing and afterwards we had our art lessons. In the middle of our session, Paulene suddenly stood up and gave me a hug.It was as if she noticed that I wasn't feeling well. She then proceeded to sit on my lap and hugged me once more. I was so touched by her sweet gesture that I actually forgot I wasn't feeling well.

Before I left for school, I was given three more hugs courtesy of my little girls. For a few minutes there, I didn't want to let go.

Sometimes I wonder how God can put such gracious little angels through so much pain. I don't think I'll ever fully understand that. But one thing I learned from these kids is that you can still give so much despite having so little. And that sometimes the little things are the things that mean the most.

Level B, A big Bukol and the Quietest Tournament

I joined what one could describe the quietest tournament yesterday at the Governor's Cup of Dasmarinas Village Makati. Sa sobrang tahimik pwede kang mag tapon ng karayom sa court at lahat ng tao magrereklamong maingay ka. hahaha. Our pasaway group, used to shouting and kulitans on court felt like aliens trapped in an unknown planet. We had to contain our fits of laughters and our usual banters on court was met with weird looks. Mark joked that it wasn't a badminton tournament but a bible study session. hahaha.

The weirdness did not end there. Karen and Macre who were supposed to play women's doubles was placed on mixed doubles D. The funny thing about that was that there was also a men's doubles pair on that level.I think they had a different definition of mixed doubles. hehehe. Talagang mixed. Mixed nuts! according to Macre.

To top it all off, I went home with a big bruise on my forehead and a swollen knee. Peter and I were placed in level B after being told we were gonna be in level D. The day before we were informed that we were being raised to level C. That sounded fine with us coz the level D would be no match. Unfortunately, level C somehow disappeared and we were placed in B where I nearly died on court. In the first game I got hit in the forehead bad (my ninja skills were not effective that time). For the first time in my badminton life I really got scared coz my itp could be triggered by such blunt force. I've always been careful about getting hit on court because technically I'm not even allowed to play contact sports. I did not let Peter see my fear that I just shrugged off the pain until the end of the game. Pero syet! masakit! It was painful beyond words and I could feel my head swelling up. I wanted to cry after the initial impact but I so wanted to be brave for partner's sake. I did not want him to worry about me on court. We had other things to worry about na. We lost that game in a heartbreaking 3 set thriller. Sayang.

We won the second game against a mother son tandem but I also twisted my knee in the second set. Still I hid the pain. I actually got so good at denying body pains that I did not feel anything at all until after. That was a good game. One of my memorable moments on court. In one play the guy smashed at me and by some miracle I was able to return it with a drop right in front of the girl who thought it wouldn't go in. The shuttle cock dropped exactly over the net. Winner! hahaha

The third game, we were overcome by formidable opponents. The girl was so good she even made her guy partner stay in front. I'm just not ready for level B play yet. Imagine from level 8 in powerade I actually jumped to level 2! Anak ng tokwa! di naman ako si super girl.. I felt bad for Peter too coz I wanted to win the games badly for him. He was so full of effort on court. One of our opponents even called him speedy gonzales on court. hahaha. Somehow we were just both off yesterday. Peter was coming off being sick and also it was tension I guess. We kept missing some really easy shots. Pero yung mga acrobatic shots we were able to make. I guess part of the weirdness of the place. Magtournament ka ba naman sa lugar na walang nagsasalita, ewan ko na lang. Len and Karen said that maybe its also because we don't want to disappoint each other so bad that we end up being so tense on court. When you're very good friends with someone, you want that person to be happy always so you try your hardest not to disappoint them. I think that holds true for me but I don't know for my partner. I wanted so much to do well, that I guess I end up overanalyzing all my moves on court.

The tourney did not end in total disaster naman. I learned so many lessons. But most of all I played some really good games. I finally know how it feels like playing in higher levels. Nakakaloka pala! I saw how I can improve my game more and I saw how much I've come ever since I started this badminton career of mine. I've gone a long way from my pathetic days of not being able to get the shuttle across the net. And that makes me proud.

Amidst my disappointment, a good friend of mine told me that if he could steal anything away from me, it would be my perseverance. I am touched beyond words. From one addictus to another that meant a lot. In the end it's never about the games you won but how well you played the game.

Still I would have wanted to win. It would have been nice for both my sake and partner's. But not all wishes come true right? So we learn to shrug off defeat, smile, and start anew.

Time to get back to practice again.

Narnia

"Peter, just because a man in a red coat gives you a sword doesn't make you a hero!

-Susan Pevensie

After watching Narnia yesterday with Peter and Lyzet, I found myself thinking-- what makes a hero? Is he someone who comes charging on a white horse ready to slay the enemy? Is he the bravest of all who never turns back on a fight? Is he someone who is just and mighty? Is he someone gifted with super powers?

For me a hero is someone who makes his ordinary life extraordinary by being himself.

The Chronicles of Narnia is a must watch for any movie buff. I've never read any of the Narnia books but I sure did love the story.

Activade Bet

A couple of weeks ago I read an article in the PDI badminton that stated that no one plays for fun anymore. And I felt sad-- I've always believed that the main reason why I play badminton and love the game so much is because it intrincally fun. So I beg to disagree with the author when she said that no one plays for fun these days-- I still see a lot of them. And I wish she would too.

Take the case of our barkada-- we play hard and train hard but we never fail to laugh on court. We are the rowdiest and the noisiest group inside any court or tournament. And no matter what the outcome of the game is we always smile in the end. After all its not about winning or losing--it's about fulfilling your goals and having fun in the process. Last Saturday Luis, karen, Peter, George's dad and I had a discussion about our badminton goals. Luis wants to increase power in his smash, Peter wants to build endurance, while I on the other hand want to improve my speed and service. I think that's what makes the game inherently fun for us-- we don't aspire to be world champions and gold medalists-- our gauge for success lie within us. Like last night for instance. I won my first activade bet last night against my formidable kumares-- Karen and Annie. It was a fun bet actually but it really made me admire my mare's the more. After all, Macre and I were highly favored to win. But still they challenged themselves not to win-but just be able to fight a good fight. And they did--they fought well and despite losing, they had their mini goals at hand. I smiled inside when I heard Karen say "mare don't think about the score. basta play lang."

Imagine that-- my kumare who hates running on court is actually motivating a weaker partner to try her best. And they did. And by the way--she was actually running last night. hehehe.

That is what makes the game fun. And yes, we do play for fun. Kahit na ilang beses akong najajackpot sa mukha at napipisuhan on court (Ninja training according to Len), okay lang. Kahit palagi akong binobodega ng mga kupals, okay lang (nasasagot ko na naman ang mga palp eh). Kahit palpak pa din ang mga service ko (improving...hehehe) Okay lang. My favorite expression on court is whenever me or my partner (even our opponents) would say "nice try" even if we fail in executing our shots. I've learned to laugh at my mistakes, move on and try again.

Play becomes fun when you want it to be.

Blooper Magnet

I don't what is it with this week but I seem to be a blooper magnet. Imagine, what are the chances that you get two flat tires in two days? Worse, its with the same tire. Karen tells me that I could write a book about all these bloopers and I'd probably get rich doing so. It's quite funny I know but when you're trying to squeeze in a very tight sched, the bloopers can be quite annoying. Maybe I ought to have myself baptized again or something? =P

My sister complained last night that she's so tired and all yet the problems never seems to cease. I understand her sentiments. Sometimes it gets to me too. Like for the past few days I find myself being frustrated most of the time. I can't figure someone out. It's bad enough that I have to contend with the psycho-ness of my so called life, trying to figure someone out makes it more confusing. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something bad? I don't know. The worst thing you can do to someone is make them feel that they did something bad and not tell them about it. There are some things in life that require answers.
***
why?
But you know what's worse than that?-- knowing that you have no right to complain. Sabi nga ni Maam Yen, "may karapatan ka ba?"

Wala. Until I figure it out or figure what it's all about, I am stuck here in limbo.

Maybe I am indeed a turtle. Or worse a worm.
I just realized that it's getting frustrating to be one.

Welcoming the New Year

This is my first post for 2006. Happy new year dear blog! They say that every new year is the chance to begin life anew. I hope it goes that way for this year. I hope this year turns out to be a better year.

2005 was a good year. It was a year of changes and adventures. It was a year that made life so much different for me. It was a happy year. Sure I had some really tough moments and there were times I felt like giving up all together. But still, it was a good year. I learned a lot, laughed so much more, smiled more often, but most of all I lived. Looking back, I may not have completely fulfilled all my resolutions for 2005, but I did get most of my wishes.

2005 was a year of second chances. I broke my biggest resolution in 2005. I didn't even realize it until yesterday. Almost 8 years ago I promised myself never to care for someone like I did that year and to never miss someone as much as I did that year. But I did. And I broke my promise. Looking back it may have been a foolish promise to make. But, it's quite ironic that the one who made me make that promise was also the one who got me to break it. And I've never been happier.

2005 taught me that life can change so swiftly in a blink of an eye. It taught me to value each moment and live each moment as if it were your last. In 2005, I learned to stand up for myself and fight for what I believe would make me happy. In 2005, I finally found the guts to admit to myself what I want out of life.

I had so many great memories in 2005. I had so much fun. I met so many new friends and life began anew. I had great adventures (whether on or off court). I didn't get to go to Palawan last year but I did get to go to various equally exciting places. Most of my time may have been spent on court but they were times worth spent. Every moment was a moment I shall cherish for the rest of my life.

The best day? Out of the 365 days last year, I shall never forget that night when I sat on that bench with my head resting on the shoulders of my dearest friend after a weekend of intrigues and tears. I felt like I was in the safest place in the world. It was a piece of heaven on earth. And it was my piece of heaven.

Goodbye 2005, thanks for a good year.

Hello 2006. =)
***
"So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them" (Alex Hitchens, "Hitch")

When I was a kid I loved fairy tales and happily ever afters. But as I grew up, they started to fade into reality. Yet I found myself believing in them once more. And though you drove me crazy at times because you began to matter so much, I knew I'd rather have those semi neurotic moments than not have you at all.

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise. you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you. "(Alex Hitchens, "Hitch")

To you who gave me back my faith in flying, thank you for catching me when I fell.

What makes you want to wake up...

From Cha's blog...the question was: what really makes you want to wake up in the morning? whatever you answer to that is what you should direct your efforts at. that's where you should go.

I like to read cha's blog. It always have some words of wisdom that drives me to reflect and think about my own life.

What does make me want to get up every morning? I wish I could provide a simple answer to that but the risk of getting permanently barred from the house is keeping me from doing so. But I do know the answer. The moment I read Cha's blog, I knew right away what was my answer to that eternal question. I've always known the answer. I just wish I have the guts to voice it out publicly.

Maybe that is what's wrong with me. Maybe I think to much. Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I just ought to act and do whatever makes me want to still wake up.

I wake up each morning with the hope that one morning i'd wake up and everything will fall in its rightful place. Toni once remarked that I had the patience of a saint. No I don't. I just do what I have to do.

Sana simple lang lahat.

But to bring back cha's word's of wisdom again, Kelan ba naman namin ginusto ang simple?

Recuperating

After 18 years I had my first tooth extraction yesterday. It wasn't as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it wasn't painful at all. It actually came as a surprise that I didn't feel anything. I was expecting the worst. I was a walking nervous wreck all the way to george's clinic. But the moment doc wit art injected that skin test of lidocaine, I knew it was gonna be okay. The entire thing was over in less than 15 minutes. More than 24 hours later I still have to feel the pain.

Of course there are the hitches. My wound didnt stop bleeding until 7am today. And I'm currently feverish. All considered normal given my abnormal conditions. Hopefully the bleeding won't return or else I'd find myself back to the ER again.

One of my biggest fears in life is going to the dentist. 20 years ago, a botched procedure made me fear dentists for life. The sound of the drill or the mere mention of any dental procedure terrifies me. One time I even kicked a dentist who tried to look at my teeth. ouch! It took more than a year of psychological (and physiological din) preparations to get this extraction done. And if not for george and his funny faces, I would not have gone through it at all.

Now I only hope that my fever recedes soon. I'm bored to death here at home. I miss badminton.

The Blessings of Christmas

Last night I celebrated noche buena with the Angeles Family. Funny how a bunch of strangers turned out to be almost family. They had gifts overflowing under their christmas tree. Laughter was everywhere that I found myself reminiscing of the olden days when my christmasses were filled with such laughter as well. When I was a kid we used to go home to Davao for Christmas and I get to bond with my cousins there. Papa Ernie used to dress up as Santa using giant red japanese papers and cotton balls for a beard. Then he would distribute our gifts one at a time much to our gleeful delight.

Gone are those days. We're all old now. Most of my cousins are either abroad or living far away. There are no more family reunions at christmas. And with the events of the past two days,it didn't sound like it was going to be a gleefully delightful xmas as well.

But nevertheless I find myself grateful this Christmas. I realized that I may have lost the old christmas traditions that characterized my youth but I also gained a lot of blessings in the process. And for that I am grateful
This year I received so much blessings that I don't think i'll ever thank enough. I won my first championship in badminton despite losing my racket.

I passed my phd comps. I even got to get off my medications after more than two years. For the first time since Feb 18, 2002 I am actually normal.

I gained a new tropa this year too-- a tropa that would change the way my tths life goes. But perhaps the greatest change and blessing of this year was the friendship I found along the way.

This year I found a friendship that changed the way I viewed life.
I found a friend who helped me see things in different ways that I can never imagine. This year life became so different but a lot lot happier. I used to be trapped in a world of books and make believe. I didn't have much of a life. I was happy but there was something missing. But this year it became different.

This year I found a friendship that opened a door of adventures and wonder. This year, I found a friendship that made life's struggles worth it-- I found someone who could make me smile even at my most darkest moments; someone who made me the happiest and saddest person at the same time-- someone who made me feel that its okay to be ME and someone who made it appear that it didnt matter whether I had a phd appended to my name or not. Someone actually saw me beyond the perfect persona I tried to create and saw the ordinary girl that lurks behind it all. What made it perfect was the fact that with him, it felt okay just be that ordinary girl.

This year I found a friendship that has lasted more than a decade of life changes and growing up. We both grew up this year. In a way, we both refound ourselves despite the messes we went through. And through it all, we were there for each other. Throughout our kulitans and asarans, I found my bliss. And in the process I found me. Through this blessing I realized that what makes me happy is what matters though it may sound crazy to some. And for the first time in my life I finally took the courage to follow my heart. It may sound complicated to some and its actually driving some people nuts but it's actually a simple relationship-- a simple friendship made special by two kindred spirits.

That is the blessing of this christmas. This Christmas and this year, I finally found where I belong. And whereever it may lead, I am just happy that life chose me to be given such a wonderful blessing.

If I were to live 2005 again, I'd choose no other way. I'd still choose the same rugged paths. I wouldn't have 2005 any other way.

***
Thank you.

My Grown Up Christmas List

I used to pray to Santa every christmas to give me a really nice gift. And years after I discovered that Santa and my parents were one and the same, I still pray for his magic to visit me every christmas time. This year is no different. I still hope that santa will listen and deem me nice enough to give me my christmas list. I do not wish for much now-- gone are the days of barbie dolls and toys. I have a simple wish this christmas-- I wish I could celebrate a christmas without tears.

I wish that I could finally be free from all the sad events that seem to haunt me.
I wish I could finally be free to just be me.
I wish I could make her understand that I am not perfect but I am happy.
I wish I could make her realize that my happiness is may not be happiness for others but its happiness for me
I wish she would understand that my dreams are mine and I can't live hers for me.
I wish I could smile again.
I wish he would call.
I wish I'd win the lotto so that I don't need to go through these crappy things.
I wish I get to finally find the guts to go for my heart's innermost desires and go for it.
I wish he was here.
I wish I finally get to hear the words I've so long to hear.

I had a magical moment last night that made it all worth it. And for that my heart still hopes that maybe one day my grown up list will finally come true.

Well, I'm all grown up now.
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
***