Graduation Day via webcast

Thanks to the power of technology I still get to attend my graduation today-- via webcast that is. Right now I am listening to fr. joey reading out the names of graduates of 2007 for the school of social sciences. My name won't be called because I am not there to collect my pseudo diploma (the real one comes in a few months time) but at least I get to experience the culmination of a long and ardous journey.

25 years of education finally ended today. Imagine that-- I've been in school far longer than in any other place in my life.

There's something sentimental about graduation coz in a way it marks the end of a long journey. I wish I could be there to march as well but things don't always turn out the way we want them to. I can just imagine sitting beside weevens, fr. glenn, jennie, she-- all the psych people. We'll probably be dying of heat right now and we're probably complaining our assess off. And I can just imagine the weebird making his signature taray comments. hahaha..

But you know what, I'd give anything to be there right now. If only it was physically possible.

If only all wishes can come true

Saying Goodbye to Turat

I said my first goodbye here in KL today. One of our friends left Malaysia to go home for good. Last night we had a farewell get together with him at the Bakuteh before finally saying the final goodbye.

It's quite funny how our friendship started-- I walked in on him dead asleep, dead drunk after a mid afternoon drinking session. I didn't know who he was then but our introduction became the topic of laughter of the group for a while.

Even if I knew him for only a short while I will still miss Dioms. Last sat we had a despedida party for him. Jesse and I cooked the main dishes for the party (even waking up at 7am to go to the market). I made a short photoessay on ppt for him too. It was a nice farewell party. No tears. Just the entire group bonding together as a whole one last time.

I'm quite envious of Dioms today. At least he's going home na. And despite living a great life here in KL I still yearn for that good ol polution of metromanila. It's different here. I don't know how to put it but there's still something about home that makes it such a wonderful place. And though I know I am here to stay for now, I am still looking forward to the day when I get to do what Dioms did-- go home to stay.

For now I shall have to content myself with the purefoods tender juicy hotdog and sinigang mix that charlington brought for me from manila. It's as close to home that I'll get for now..

Till July that is...

Polie

I miss Polie. He's my 3 year old cat. Well he'll turn 4 this May 5 (we celebrate his birthday on the day he first arrived at our house). His real name is oliver. Today I just miss him so much it makes me dream of going home soon. Usually at this time Olie will be with me sleeping. He usually bugs me to feed him lunch or just sleep around the house in places where he will be "seen." He craves for attention all the time. Since it's usually exam time during this week in the Philippines, I'd be drowning in papers to check at this time. Olie would usually laze over the papers to catch my attention. He will refuse my attempts to shift pages by grabbing the papers and sometimes eating them. hahaha.

I guess Im just homesick this morning. I thought I was going to go home for March. But unfortunately I can't. I wanted to come home for graduation but because of schedules here in Malaysia I can't.

I don't regret coming here. But I still miss my old life a lot. I miss my mom and my sister. I miss my car. And I miss my baby, Polie. My sister told me he has found a friend now-- Ani, a kitten that found its way to our house recently. Wow! after almost four years of believing he was half human, my baby has a friend of his own now. Polie used to be so scared of other cats but not of humans so we joked that he doesn't know that he was actually a cat.

Isn't he just absolutely adorable?!! Kung may pusa lang sa showbiz pwedeng pwede lumaban sa contest tong si polie! :)

Hit By Nostalgia

Yesterday's reunion chat with the p10 locals triggered a wave of nostalgia in me. It was the first time that the girls were "almost" complete. I could almost hear divina's laugh and mariel's bungisngis from my office here in Malaysia. It made me realize how much I miss my old friends and how I long to go home and visit.

Then tintin's email came and that got me more nostalgic. 13 years ago our friendship was cemented over an impromptu overnight stay at my house. And till now despite not seeing each other in a long time we still managed to remain great friends. Our families are even connected by a unique story. Pwedeng pang teleserye. One of my aunts adopted a girl whose twin sister was adopted by tin's relative.

The nostalgia has sort of rubbed on me all throughout the day that I even found the time (and the guts) to reread an old blog dedicated to a friend I once held so dear. It opened a barrage of memories and I felt kind of bittersweet. Tama si Jom, madrama nga!

One of the questions in yesterday's p10 chat was who was the person besides the one you're with right now that if given the chance, you'd like to go back to? It's like the what if you had a second chance with someone question. haha.. surprisingly my answer to that question wasn't the one I thought I'd answer. I would have thought that I'd give the name of the one I gave the blog to. But no. The first name that came to my mind was different.

Now I know that "my answer" would always be the one regret in life that I'll never really get totally over. He was the one that got away. I'd probably stick by my original decision and stand by what is right then but I know if things were different then, I wouldn't have let go.

na moo moody lang ata ako as maan would say.

One happy thought though--a friend of mine is getting married and I'm so happy for her. It's her story to tell so I'd leave the announcing to her. I realized now that things really do happen for a reason. And though the reasons may sound weird at first, eventually it will all clear itself out.

A slight detour...

I guess the saying is true that great dreams often entail great trials. I thought the road was over but unfortunately there was a slight detour. And as much as I want to get pissed and mad about it, there's nothing really I can do but follow the convuluted system. I guess it just sounded so mundane to be worrying about page numbers and italicized words when what is written can never change. Oh well. It's part of the idiosyncracies of life I guess--- now I wonder, is this part of the reason why a lot of psych people turn out to be neurotics?! haha.

But this slight delay did prove one thing-- that I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. My sister to this minute is slaving over the revisions of the revisions even if she has no idea what the hell APA is. My mom even drove her to school just to get things done. Maan graciously printed it all and will still help print it again. Ella has been keeping me sane. Without these people, I don't think I'll ever make.

Trials they say will point out to you who are really there to stick by your side. And in the end these people are the ones who are worth ending each day with a smile.

And they also make me miss home more.

The End of the long road travelled

It took me 355 days to be exact to finish revising my dissertation. I think my mom and my sister were so frustrated already at the snail paced way I did it that they stopped talking to me about it. Some would probably say I was crazy to let so much time go to waste. Maybe I was indeed a fool but it was a choice I made. I was not ready to finish it yet. No matter how I tried I just couldn't write anything until a few weeks ago.

Maybe it was burnout. After all I did the almost impossible feat of finishing my dissertation while doing my clinical internship and working at the same time. Add that to my ever active social life that included 4 nights of playing badminton and several nights of drinking sessions with friends.

Maybe it was the challenge. I've always been a crammer and I've yet to submit something that I have never crammed. I'm actually good at it. In fact I can probably right a book on "cramming for dummies" and it would probably be a bestseller.

Maybe because somewhere along the road I lost my heart for it. I don't know how to explain it but I guess I realized while doing my dissertation that life was more than research and school. It wasn't because I didn't love school but it was because I realized that there was more to life out there. I remember arguing with my mom about it one december night when I told her that I was just so tired. She told me to give up badminton so I could finish my work. But I told her it was my work that I need to put on hold first. I could understand her concern and I didn't want to disappoint her and all those rooting for me so I threaded on. But I guess after my defense my spirit wasn't there anymore.

So it took me 355 days. Was it worth it? Yes and no. No because I did waste a lot of time. And because of that I won't be able to march in graduation with my friends. As much as I would love to, I don't know how I could fly back and forth from Malaysia to manila in under 24 hours.

But it was worth it still because in 355 days I lived a good life. There were many losses all over and heartaches abound but there were the good days too. And they outweighed the bad. Who would have thought that in 355 days I would find my way here in Malaysia living a life that I've only imagined doing several years ago.

In the end, I did it. I fulfilled my promise. I took several detours along the way but I did it still.

In my dissertation there is a portion there called acknowledgements. I am reprinting the entire thing here in whole.

The famous endocrinologist, Hans Selye, once said, “To make a great dream come true, the first requirement is a great capacity to dream; the second is persistence- a faith in the dream.” This is a fulfillment of not just a lifelong dream but a promise made thirteen years ago when I was seriously ill with ITP. Through the years of battling chronic illness, I strived hard to be brave. And I would not have made it if it were not for the love of all these people.

To Mommy, Vesper, and my best friend Ella for their never ending love and support through the years and for believing in me even if I sometimes disappoint them. To my four legged babies, especially Oliver and Datu, who taught me that love knows no bounds.

To all those who in one way or another shared in my journey through the highs and lows of life-- “p10,” Cha, Weevens, Maan, Ces, Cara, Denden, Oliver, Mimo, Mardet, Fr. Ben, Lyzet, Obeng, Chin, Bambi, Aldwin, Kim, Merly, Jeff, Tita Sansu, Elma, Tita Nitz, Phen, Beth, Doc Eva, Len and George, Luis and Byo, Camacho Family, Pamilya Badminton--Tito Noel, Tita Nel, Kei and Rb, Jesse, Charles, Ann and Classmate Adrian. Thank you for the love and support.

To my doctors, Dr. Cavilles⁺, Dr. Yuzon and Dr. Liza Naranjo for restoring my faith in the health system and for patiently taking care of me through the years.

To my adviser, Dr. Isabel Melgar and to my mentor Fr. Jaime Bulatao, for believing in my dreams and pushing me to strive beyond mediocrity and soar to greater heights.

To Daddy and Peter, who taught me that rainbows do come after the rain.

My Sincerest gratitude also goes to my panelists-Dr. Emy Liwag, Fr. Nilo Tanalega,SJ, Dr. Liane Alampay, and Dr. Lota Teh for their wisdom and kindness.

Most of all to Mary Grace and Adam, co-warriors and friends, who taught me the true meaning of courage by valiantly fighting aplastic anemia and leukemia respectively till the end.

Believe in your power to create miracles. Thank you for your gifts of love.

Visitors from Manila

Hosted my first set of visitors from Manila after moving to my new house. Bel, my former badminton tropa in Marikina came by with 8 friends. We went around KL and got to have our mini reunion in my new place as well. Bel, Grace, and Deys stayed with me for two nights while the rest of the gang stayed at the hotel in KL. We we're quite a showbiz bunch since they had an "artista" with them. I must say she looked intimidating and mataray at first but after meeting Atin, she was okay naman pala. She was quite friendly in fact. My guy friends were all egging me to introduce them to her (sana pala ginawa naming business!hahaha).

Anyway here are some of our pictures....


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Long Day

I had a long day today. Some would probably think that I don't do anything at work given my flexible schedule but today was quite tiring. I arrived at work early-- 830 am, an hour earlier than office schedule. I checked my personal emails then when 930 came I started working on my office mails. Had a bunch of emails from Tom and Angeli so worked on that the entire morning. I needed to do some market research and thanks to the wonderful invention called the world wide web I was able to get the much needed information in no time. It was a matter of plugging in the right key words. It looked easy but by the end of the day my eyes were already tired.

So when I finally got home I was so fatigued that I slept like a baby for several hours. Di daw ako magising at all. I woke up at 11pm already. I missed dinner na. If I wasn't afraid of getting hungry I would have slept na lang the whole night. But since there's nothing much you can buy here in the mornings, I decided to eat before I retire again. We went to the mamak stall nearby to eat our ever staple maggi goreng ayam. Bumped into Glenn, Obet and Ann so it was an impromptu reunion na din. :)

Now I'm back here in my room trying to download the ginebra championship games from youtube. Grabe! my ever favorite barangay is in the championship again. Parang kelan lang I was such an addict to their games. Kaya kahit dito sa Malaysia nakikicheer pa din eto.

Once a kabaranggay, always a kabaranggay.

Kung hei Fat Choi

I celebrated chinese new year for the first time in my life this year. Usually I just celebrate it vicariously through the boxes of tikoy that come my way every chinese new year. This year being in a country where it is celebrated more than christmas, I actually got to experience the real chinese new year.

We had long weekend-- 4 days in all. I was sick most of the weekend due to a bout with UTI but it was fun still. On saturday I went to see Ghost Rider at the midvalley mall. Nicholas Cage did justice to the role and I enjoyed the movie. I didn't like the scary scenes though. I also got to buy a new pair of sandals at Studio R. It was on sale so I couldn't resist. After the short shopping trip it was off to home for our weekly badminton game. Since it was the holidays only 4 people showed up. Another one made habol after an hour so it was one tiring game for us.

Sunday I woke up late and after a short brunch in Mcdo and some grocery shopping at Carrefour, we were off to Marisa's place for a bbq. It was raining horribly in puchong that afternoon but it did not stop us from eating some of the yummiest food ever. Marisa and Mike hosted the dinner and prepared four kinds of bbq. Then we (Charles, Jesse and I) made afritada (Ay correction si jesse lang pala... kami ni charles, observers) which was also a hit to our new friends. Bala and Natasha were late due to some unexpected visitors. They brought with them Bala's pork dish which was spicy but absolutely yummy. We joked that it was a fusion of different races bonded together by food--Iranian, Malaysian, Indian, Chinese, and Pinoy. Talk about ethnic diversity.

We got drunk (or rather they did--I couldn't drink coz I was on antibiotics) and pigged out (I contributed a lot here!). We laughed a lot and shared so many stories. Marisa and I even exchanged movies downloaded over the net. We left at around 11pm. Philip brought us back to Sri Petaling which was so nice of him since it was raining once more.

When we got home the SB boys Obet and Glenn were having a drinking session with Ann so we stopped by their place as well. We brought them our take home bbq for pulutan.

On Monday I bummed around Ann's place with Obet. We watched the NBA all stars live at ESPN. I haven't seen a real NBA game in a long time and was very disappointed the way the game played out. Not that I loved the eastern conference guys but I hated the fact that they lost so dismally. Almost 30 points in all! By third quarter when the lead balooned to 31, the players were not playing basketball anymore. It became an exhibition of dunks and all those incredible shots that you wouldnt dare attempt in a normal game. There was no defense at all. corny. I ended up sleeping.

The night was capped with a good ol meal of sinigang. Our disappointing lunch at Rajah's pushed me to think of something nice for dinner so i decided to cook. Home cooked meals pa din ang the best. Nothing compares to it.

Yesterday I basically rested and went around KLCC a bit. I wasn't feeling well so I went home early. I went out na lang uli late in the afternoon for dinner by the pool.

Now its back to work.. Ang hirap din pala to be on holidays in a place far from home... Walang Ella na kagimik. Walang classmate na pwedeng kulitin. Most of all Walang tindahang bukas! hahaha.

What if?

I had a nice talk with a friend yesterday and we talked about her accident and other stuffs. Amidst everything there was a question that burned in my thoughts for hours--what if? She asked herself that-what if she died in the accident?

Oftentimes we ask ourselves that question. What if? What if we chose differently? What if we could relive times in the past? What if we decided to look the other way? What if we decided to leave? Lots of what ifs.

I remember the story of jamie in a walk to remember and how she made a list of things she wanted to do before she died. She didn't have what if's in her system. She made sure that she never had what ifs.

But unlike my namesake jamie, I do have my own set of what ifs. Talking to jom made me think of one of them last night. And till today I am still thinking of it. What if. But at the back of my mind I know what's past is past and all we have is the future. So I'll try to thread on and forget the once upon a time what if's.

I enjoyed our talk last night. Been a while since I've been to a girltalk. I kinda miss it na rin pala. I texted ella today and told her how I missed having her around.I miss having my bestfriend around.

I guess I simply miss home.

Valentines' Eat All You Want

To some valentines is all about flowers and hearts and all those mushy stuff. And to others its about lamenting why they are virtually single in a world where 4Billion people live. As the years go by, I've often approached valentines with a light heart. I never really hated valentines despite being single coz I've always found ways to enjoy it. I think it was two years ago when I started to wear red on v-day just to make a point that valentines' was not to be dreaded for the unattached. I found it very amusing how people would stare at me while I was walking. hehe..

Yesterday was Valentines' day. If my mom hadn't went into labor early, I would have been born on valentine's day. Kaso sabi ko, buti na lang din kasi pag valentine's ako pinanganak bukod sa kabirthday ko si kris aquino, lugi pa ko kasi isa lang ang gift ko for my birthday and valentines' hahaha.

I celebrate the hearts' day by downloading stuff from the internet (hahaha) while working on my revisions (another hahaha) and eating at hartz chicken-- malaysia's eat all you can place. I didn't expect anything special for v day so when jesse told me we'd eat out I looked forward to it. Good food, great company-- what more can you ask for?

The place looked like a cross between wendy's and kenny rogers. And the chicken taste almost like jollibee (the crispy ones) and andok's (the roasted ones). There were 4 buffet tables. The first one had an array of salads and fruits. There was also soup. I tried the vegetable soup which tasted great. The next table housed the chicken--all kinds--crispy, spicy, roasted, fried gizzard, liver, potato skins, potato wedges, onion rings, assorted breads and muffins, etc. The third one had the weirder foods-- mashed potato and the weird gravy, casseroles, curry, rice. I didn't venture to that table much except to try the mashed potato. The fourth one had the desserts. They actually had those ice cream vendo machines like in mcdonalds. The ice cream was good, although the brownies tasted dry. I liked the cookies most of all.

By the time we stood up and left the table I was so full I could barely breathe. At one point my pants' buttons popped coz i was holding my breathe for so long. We walked around the mall a bit before heading home and meeting up with the real estate agent. I was sooo sleepy in the LRT dahil sa kabusugan.

So that was my valentines' day.. I learned yesterday what valentines is all about. It's not about roses and hearts and all the romantic trimmings. It's not even about the places that gets all filled up because of the day.

It's about spending it with the people who make you laugh and believe that the world is still a beautiful place to live in despite its craziness.

It's about hope that at the end of the day, all of us will eventually have someone who will make us smile.

After A While

A long time ago I chanced upon this poem in a book. It reminded of what was it like to love and how we should love at all times.

I know that there are times when loving someone becomes difficult and that we are bound to get hurt from time to time. Then you realize that after a while you learn..that life does go on...

AFTER A WHILE (Veronica Shoftshall, 1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Then After "after a while" you change and build your hopes again. And pray that maybe this time it will be different. And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have..

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.

Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses

And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an
armor

With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise

Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait..

***
this is for all of us who patiently waits
It will be worth the wait... keep the faith.

Celebrating life at 30

None of my original plans about how I was going to celebrate my 3oth birthday came true. And although it may sound terrible it wasn't that at all. I realized that in the end I got to celebrate my birthday in the most perfect way--spending it with people who made me smile.

My celebration started at midnight at the Bakuteh stall where I had late dinner with jesse and we waited for midnight. I was born at 12:35am so when my watch finally registered that time, my birthday officially began. We pigged out on beer, sate and of course bakuteh. Kinalimutan ang cholesterol! I didn't exactly picture myself to be in a foreign country when I turned 30 but I guess life has its way of bringing you to places where you are meant to be taken.

I opened my mail when I got home and I had a surprise from my mom and sister who made this cute powerpoint presentation featuring my baby Polie and Pochay. I miss my cats so much and seeing them sitting on top my car sure did bring tears to my eyes.

I was supposed to cook dinner for friends but unfortunately plans went a bit haywire. I was disappointed at first but of course it never ruined my day as it was my birthday. I was so intent on enjoying every minute of it. After all, turning 30 for someone like me is a miracle by itself. As I told my friend that night I never imagined that I would ever reach this age--not because I was only 16 then and 30 seemed so far away but because literally I wasn't well enough then to even get past 16. And now 14 years later, I am still here. Surviving, living and happy.

The whole day I was in the city walking around and doing some window shopping. I was able to go to church and say my prayers. I was even able to see a nice art exhibit at the petronas galeries called "Voyage"-- how fitting the title isn't it? My life has indeed been one interesting voyage. I dropped by the office for a time and said hello to steve. Went online to chat before heading back again to KLCC where I watched "the holiday" with jesse. It was a nice feel good movie.Quite long but very nice. I loved how the characters had each their own weirdness which I could identify with--cameron diaz's super strong persona, jude law's romanticism, kate winslett's martyrdom and jack black's comic comments. It was a movie about love and how it can come from the most unlikely places. The movie lasted for a little over 2 hours. My movie partner kept teasing me for being a crybaby--I couldn't help not crying after Jude law cried on screen?!!

Prior to the movie we had dinner at secret recipe where I got to have my birthday cake of chocolate indulgence and mocha walnut. We even ordered lasagna since I didn't get to cook it that day. hehe.. I loved the cakes. Super yummy.

After the movie we took a walk in the park. A couple of weeks ago I wrote here how I pictured the perfect birthday celebration to be a picnic in the park. I didn't have a picnic but the walk was perfect enough. We had coffee from starbucks and a nice moonlight on the side. You could see the park light up from the glitters of petronas towers and the fountain was in full glory. What else could I ask for? I may not have had a party this year but honestly, it turned out to be even better. I passed by a wishing well during our walk and despite my wanting to make a wish that night, I couldn't think of anything to wish for. What I had for my birthday was more than enough. It was a birthday to remember.

The birthday may have had some tense moments because of some issues at hand but nothing could beat the events that came after it. I realized that I didn't need a party to make my birthday special. Everything became perfect the way it was. And that makes me happy and grateful.

The day reminded me of a song Ves and I loved to play from the broadway musical Sunset Boulevard. The lyrics are these...

I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be
The perfect year

Thank you for making the year start perfectly.

The Day Before The Big Day

In less than 24 hours I will turn 30 years old. Some people dread the big three-oh I guess because it points to the sad reality that 1/3 of your life is over. But for someone like me who once thought that life was ending at 4, making it to the big three oh is something worth being thankful for.

I nearly died when I was four years old. When my ITP was discovered life completely became different for me. I learned the harsh reality that life could end for me at anytime. So I grew up kind of afraid that things I liked to do might eventually harm my fragile body. My parents became very protective of me and I led a very protected life. After all I was only 4. Life hasn't even begun for me.

When I was 16 I nearly died again. I was rushed to the hospital for severe hemorrhage. I had to be transfused with blood and platelets. My parents could not find blood donors because none were available and the blood that I needed only came hours later. Then while I was going through transfusion, my body went on a severe allergic reaction and I nearly died again. I remember telling my mom my final "habilins" like asking her to take care of my cats and saying sorry to my then best friend whom I had a falling out with. That was my worst relapse ever. Few people knew of a bargain I made that fateful night. When I was slowly losing my ability to breathe I was praying to God for some relief. A few hours later I woke up and saw the sunrise and that was when I made my bargain with him.

I asked God to grant me some more time so I could make a difference in this world. And after that I'd gladly go with him. And I even gave him a time frame-- thirty years old. And that bargain is supposed to end tomorrow.

I know it's morbid to talk of death a day before your birthday. But I guess that helps frame why I've lived my life this way for the past 14 years. I've been literally living on borrowed time so I guess that made me more aware of the things I wanted to do. That is also why I seem to live in such a hurried life.

Imagine to cram everything you want to do in 14 years. And I've literally done that. That's why finishing my phd before I turned thirty was that important. Coz that was part of my promise to God.

So am I ready now? Yes. There are still other stuffs and dreams I'd like to do like go to Italy or visit the alps. And perhaps even have my own family. But if God were to ask for my end of the bargain now, I'll be happy to say yes.

He gave me so much the past 14 years already and making it to my thirtieth birthday (well almost na) is enough to be thankful for. He has given me 14 beautiful years already and I am glad for that.

So have I fulfilled my promise to make that difference? I hope so. Or at least I tried my best to do so. There were three things that I asked him for time to do: First was I wanted to make sure that my family would be okay. Second I wanted to finish my phd. And third I wanted to learn how was it to love.

My mom and my sister are okay now. We're not perfect but we've been happy. We went through so much as a family the past 6 years years but we managed to more than survive--we managed to live a happier life. I've learned to also forgive the man who nearly broke our spirit and learned to accept that my beloved daddy is simply gone. In a way I am thankful for that loss. Because he taught me the best lesson of my life-- that no matter how bad things become, you have a choice to wallow in hatred or learn to love.

My mom raised me and my sister well. She taught us how to love always and to forgive but to always remember that sometimes in life the people whom you thought you could count on the most are the ones who will also break your heart. As for my dad, I am still grateful for him coz he showed me how I could be a better person despite everything. By leaving he gave us the chance to live.

I earned my phd. I earned it in record time. I now only have to make if fully official with the submission of my revisions.

In 14 years I've loved, lost, loved again, lost again, and loved again. In 14 years I learned to keep my faith in God and my faith in people. And most of all I made someone smile. Ella once told me that we seem to be magnets for complications. I guess it's because God knows that we have that much faith in people. And maybe that's our fault--we trust so much in the good of people. But I guess I'd rather have that blind faith than live a life of paranoia and distrust.

So tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday. I wish my family and friends were here. I wish I could wake up to the site of polie sleeping beside me on the bed and hearing his baboy like meow. I wish I could blow candles from my traditional birthday cake from shoppersville. I wish I could have that picnic at the bel field again. And most of all I wish I could have my birthday lunch out with ella.

But what the heck, kahit wala pa ang mga trimmings na yon, I am still going to celebrate my birthday.

Good bye 29, hello thirty..

Tama si mariel... mapapaisip ka talaga ng husto when the day comes nearer.

****
I got this nice email from trina.. I thought it was beautiful..

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Early Birthday Gift

Gave myself an early birthday present (and a belated christmas one) yesterday. Bought a new phone! I have been thinking of getting a new one for some time now but never really found the chance (and the budget) to do so. So after months of wishing and wondering, I finally found my new baby in the form of nokia's 7373. The phone is part of their La Amour collection and it's an improved version of the old 7370 (now it has 2 megapixel camera, expandable memory and a music player that plays mp3s and mp4s). Cool. It's so tiny and so feminine that my old 6600 looked like a bulky phone. I wanted the pink version originally but it cost so much more kaya I settled for the stylish bronze black na lang.

I was out shopping the whole day yesterday since it was a holiday in Selangor and KL. I went to the Pertama Complex and bought a fresh tube of shuttlecocks and had charles' raquet restrung. Then I went to Sungwei Wang and Low Yat in search of my new phone. It was fun walking around on my own in search for my elusive new toy. So when I finally closed the deal in Low Yat I was so happy. I decided to have late lunch at KLCC so I can have a view of the park while I toyed with my new phone. I didnt realize the time coz it took me almost three hours to migrate my phonebook to my new phone. Whew! At least I wasn't bored. I took a quick look at times bookshop before I met up with Jesse for his dinner treat. He took me to chillis and we pigged out on salad and pasta. I was so full after! Calories to burn once more!!!

I was dead tired when I got home I literally fell asleep immediately after my head hit the pillow. I didnt even to get to read my text messages until it was early morning already.

Today is the start of our class for OHSL. No weekends for me for the next two weeks. Ouch!

The Almost Perfect Day

Have you ever experienced a day that was almost perfect? It's a day that starts out just like any ordinary day--you don't expect anything grand to happen and like any other day, you simply go on living it. Yet somehow something happens in the midst of the day that makes the simplicty seem simply perfect. And then you know, that the day is not just an ordinary day anymore but a day that will always be remembered.

That was how friday felt. It started out just like any other day but at the end of it all, I was dead tired but happy. I was able to see the things I loved to see and explore my favorite site of all-- the zoo. I guess I never really outgrew that love of mine--seeing animals roam in a park. I went to Negara Zoo with Jesse and it was an experience I'll always cherish. Got to see my favorite animals--the bears and despite the snobbish nature of the lions and tigers (lahat tulog) I still enjoyed seeing them. I loved the giraffes and I had a grand time remembering my old running joke of how the giraffe had two legs. Hey we even saw a kangaroo.

Some people ask what makes me happy.. And I say this to them always--when i see the people I love happy and when I get to go to the places that makes me smile. The zoo has somehow always been the constant place in this world that never fails to make me smile. Be it malabon zoo or the infamous san diego zoo in california--it never fails to me happy. My mom told me that my eyes literally lit up when we went to see the singapore zoo last year. There's something comforting about being in the zoo-- I guess it's because you know that despite the struggles of life there is still that one place on earth where animals live without whim or care about such insanities-- where zebras and leche leche's roam freely with the salamanders, hippos, giraffes, and deers; where animals live in harmony and in peace.

It was the almost perfect day-- I called it almost coz I guess no day goes by without hitches (erring taxis and the heat to name a few). But at the end of it all, it was still perfect for me. I was asleep by 9pm because of fatigue.I was snoring but what the heck.. I had a beautiful time.

And I am grateful to the one who made the day possible. :) Thank you.

At the End of the Day...

It's been a long day today..Work finally picked up and I was left feeling breathless. Had some last minute applications to go through and worked on an impromptu presentation tomorrow as well.

Melissa is right when she said our work is like bouts with rains here.. when it comes it really pours. With the OHSL programme openning this saturday things are a little bit crazy. Angeli flew in last friday so she's on campus din to do her lectures. It was nice to have someone share my office today coz at least its not so quiet anymore. At the same time it was kinda weird to have someone notice all the other stuff I usually do when I'm "pretending" to work.haha.

Didn't particularly enjoy lunch as we had to share the resto with the business people and the big bosses. Nakakailang na they are there looking at us. Nahahalatang matakaw ako.hahaha.

Last night I actually snored while sleeping (well sabi sa kin I was...). Maybe it was fatigue. This always happen to me when I'm anticipating a big event such as the start of a new class. Psychosomatic I guess.

Anyway I can't wait for friday. I have a nice day planned out. Actually planned for me... Can't wait to see the zoo.

Now it's time to rest..

At the end of the day, it's nice to be able to just sit back and relax and not think..
At the end of the day, it's nice to know that somewhere out there, there's someone thinking nicely of you.

Ouch...

My three day badminton bonanza took its toll last night when I pulled a muscle in my thigh. It's quite painful to walk right now especially when I'm going up and down the stairs. My leg started to cramp after our first game yesterday against the thais so I rested for a while. However the challenge of the game was irresistable so I still played. Charles and I partnered against Joe and another thai kid. The matches were quite even as the scores stood still for several rallies. Each set last over half an hour so just imagine the pain my leg was going through. After the games (we won the last set) I was ready to collapse on my feet.

Pulled enough energy back to muster my strength to go eat at the mamak with the guys. Nag volt in muli in our favorite place to be--kinrara. Had maggi goreng ayam once more. Yummy! I shared some of the calories to my dieting partner (ayaw daw niya kumain). We all called it an early night as everyone was tired.

My leg is still bothering me a bit. But it helped that got a nice relaxing massage last night. I can walk easily now. I only have a hard time going up the stairs.

It's so quiet here on campus and my two lone companions are my desktop and my laptop. Grabe nakakaantok!

Not so Lazy Sunday.. and more SB adventures

It's sunday again. The last day of the week to rest and rejuvinate.

I was up early today. Slept at Ann's last night coz she wanted to watch heroes on my laptop. Jesse and I had breakfast together before heading off to mass at St. John's. Ella was teasing me about my going to church since I hardly go when I was still based in Manila. At least mom was very happy to hear that I went to mass. I guess part of me just wanted to say thank you for all the blessings I've been receiving lately. It's been a while since I have been happy and after everything that went through in my life the past months, I'm grateful that I've been blessed with so many gifts.

I felt a bit of deja vu at St. Johns. There were so many pinoys. Even the menu in the makeshift carinderia was pinoy. We had menudo and giniling and sort-of adobo. It felt as if I was transported back home. Everytime someone talked in tagalog I couldn't help but swerve my head a bit. While waiting for the mass Jesse and I chatted and joked about how pinoy Dh's dressed in full regale. Sobrang sosyal. I couldn't help but tease him too when he would pull down the hem of my skirt everytime my knee slightly showed. haha. It was so funny coz he was more conscious than me. I guess I'm not used to being girlie girlie here in KL. Even back home I've never been your typical girl. Sabi nga ni mommy, anak pag girl ang look, act like a girl..hahaha..

After mass I went off to walk a bit and then went home. Have to do my laundry naman. My housemate/landlady has this notion that we should pool all our laundry items into one giant load before doing the laundry to save water daw. anak ng tinapa kaya ang dami ko tuloy labada! imagine 1.5 weeks worth of clothes. buti na lang i finally figured out the washing machine. now if only our iron was better.. i havent ironed any clothes since i got back last jan. pang weight lifter ba naman yung plantsa dito.

Right now I'm waiting for my second load of laundry to finish. Killing some time by chatting online. How I wish ganito na lang dito sa house dito--me, myself, and I. Walang weirdo housemates. haha.

***

The SB had another TGIF event last friday courtesy of Boy Brochito I think.. Our official drink--Balakov Vodka and orange juice were the mix of the night. I arrived late as I came from badminton at petaling jaya. Fortunately dinner was waiting for me when I got to our official tambayan (Thank you!!!). After quickly downing my dinner of pancit, I joined in the group who were already drinking the night away.

For the second time in history I actually got drunk. I wasn't dead drunk but I was tipsy. I guess the fatigue finally got to me again. Add that to the fact that Obet and Charles were giving me extra high drinks pag tagay ko na. Buti na lang may taga agaw ako kaso nahuhuli eh saka siya din may tama na. I fell asleep leaning on Jesse's shoulders after a while. I tried to purge much of the alcohol inside the cr but of course I still had way too much to drink. So I just slept. By the time I woke up it was time to move out of our tambayan and go home. I could hear everyone's voices while walking home but I was way too sleepy to say my goodbyes.

It was a nice drinking session. Everyone had a good time. Despite almost everyone being drunk or half drunk, we maintained a semblance of decorum. Imagine di kami kinatok ng endah villa guard for a change!hahaha.Sabi ni charles, pinagbigyan na lang daw siguro kami since we haven't been noisy for a long time. hahaha. We had some newbies with us--ruby, the newest baby of the group plus tina's two sisters--marisa and ikai. Irving was our clown of the night and Charles became the newest tangero (kaso madaya!hahaha). Diomer had to pass every now and then (baka bumalik ang sakit!) and Jesse was back to normal--tinulugan din kami. hehehe. Nahawa nga ata ako.

What was missed was the mamak tradition though. No one had the energy to even move and walk to Kinrara, the place to be. Someone cooked maggi soup though kaya parang nasa mamak na rin kami. When I was given a cup to drink, as much as I wanted to drink it, I couldnt coz I felt like throwing up anytime (sounds so familiar. hahaha). Jesse forced me to take some para mawala daw ang amats ko. So I took a few sips before giving up and falling asleep again.

Tama si Jom, we may look like pathetic people with our vices that are meant to kill the body. But we are not completely patapon. In fact we do pretend to be normal during mornings and late afternoons when we have to do our extra curricular activities called work. I guess at the end of the day we all just want to shed our business suits and be back to our old crazy selves. And when you're in a strange country with nothing much to do, these get togethers can spell the thin line between going crazy due to boredom and homesickness and suicide. hahaha.

Another weekend almost over. Next week is a busy week ahead. I'll actually work for a change. Sabi nga ni charles, magtrabaho ka naman! hahaha..

Thoughts in the Park

Walked along KLCC park yesterday evening on my way home from work. I wanted to take some time off to relax and let my mind wander a bit. Had a long day and I could feel my head getting heavier so I gave in to my inner need to just get lost for a while. On days when I'm feeling out of my synched self, I do this--just do some "me" time.

While walking around the park I noticed how people clump together in small subgroups and that you'd realize how certain people go together. It's like in that movie Love Actually where in an airport you'll see so many forms of love going around. In a park, you can see so many forms of people (or should I say kinds?) of people walking and going about. Since I was by myself I thought I'd observe them a bit.

Inside the park there are several types of people going about

1. the families--they bring with them their little kids and usually stay near the fountains or the playground. Most of the moms spend time wandering with their kids in the swings while the dads smoke or sit in the benches.
2. the lovebirds--obviously the park is riddled with them--those couples who are so engrossed in each other without care or notice that they are in a public place; those wanting a cheap but utterly romantic date. You see them scattered in the remotest areas of the park usually arms entwined or heads bowed while whispering in silence. One can't help but envy them when you're by yourself coz they look so happy. (there's a small subgroup though--the fighting lovebirds--the ones who create drama in the park.haha)
3. the exercise buffs-- People who prefer the natural gym over high tech places like fitness first. The jog, do yoga, stretch, and even run around the park. They have have a world of their own and would give you a stern bwiset look when you accidentally jump into their jogging path. They come in all sizes and shapes.
4. the groupies-- groups of tourists or locals who flock the park like birds out to migrate. They walk slowly and with their cameras in tow like no one else is walking behind them. I call them the field trip people. Some gossip while sitting around. Some just joke around. Back in UP we called them "the freshies" in reference to the 1st year people who flock around in groups.
5.the tourists & passersby-- the lone tourist and the passerby-- the ones who usually go to the park as a way to get to another area of the city. They carry backpacks and cameras (sometimes), and walk either too fast or too slow. Some take time to stop and take pictures or ask locals for directions while others just briskly go about their way without admiring the beauty of nature around them.
6. the guys--pairs of guys just hanging around. Yesterday there was this pair who was quite interesting to look at--one guy was crying his heart out while the other was comforting him. Siguro iniwan ng girlfriend haha. chismosa!
7. the girls--pairs of girls just hanging around--a.k.a. the best friends
8. the loners (a.k.a. munimuni people)-- yesterday i belonged to this category. you can also call us the closet boy abunda's and kris aquino-- mga taong nakikichizmiss sa buhay ng iba while reflecting on our lives. People who just want to walk around the park a bit to regroup their sense of self. They look lost at times and can be sometimes mistaken for a tourist passing by but when you take a closer look, they actually go there by choice. And most of the time they are in deep thought.
9. the sleepers-- people who go to the park to sleep either because they are too tired or they are homeless. nakakainggit sila coz they look so relaxed without a care in the world.

You see there are lots of mixes of people in the park. The reasons why they stay in the park can also be quite unique. Each has his own agenda--to relax, enjoy the sights, take a shortcut, meet a loved one, break up with someone, get back with someone, etc. One thing they all have in common though is that they come to the park with their dreams and wishes. They come to the park to find some missing part in their lives and escape reality for a while. For when you're inside a park-- the world is stress free. The world is your apple and for a brief moment you're completely at bliss.

People come to the park in the hope that when they do get back to the real world, things will be better once again.

***

I took down a part of my previous blog. I didn't know that it hurt a friend so I decided to take it down. I didn't mean it that way so part of my way of saying sorry is removing it. You're right we are not perfect. :) I'm sorry if it made you feel bad. Didn't mean it that way. Thank you for telling me.

Morning Walk and the Big 30

I just came from a little walk from KLCC to Chulan tower. I'm stationed here at the KL teaching facility today so I didn't have to go to Semenyih. Met up with Jesse at Carrefour at 830 today and then we had breakfast at the Bukit Jalil sports complex. Super nakakabusog ang food. Di ko alam parang nageexpand ata yung rice and chicken nila. There was a slight blooper coz we couldn't make the lady understand our orders. I was ordering Iced Lemon Tea and she gave me Tea Ice. Oh Well. It was funnier when it was time for us to pay. She was speaking in malay and I couldnt understand what she was saying. My counting is till the number 3 only. After a few minutes and one interpreter later, we were finally off. It was a quick ride from BJ to Masjid Jamek then to KLCC. We were laughing all the way and took turns teasing each other for our bloopers. If the yellow pad is colored white, is it still called yellow pad? San ang noo? pwede bang lumangoy papasok ng work? hahaha. Just some of our stupid sounding arguments. Sounds utterly childish but hey it was fun!

Despite the long walk I took today, I actually enjoyed it. Aside from the exercise it was nice to clear my head while walking and think about things that I liked to think about. Got to enjoy some the sights as well. It took me slightly over 15 minutes to get from KLCC suria to Chulan tower. Parang Ateneo to UP Shopping Center.

Been thinking a lot lately. Turning 30 in three weeks time and I can't help but think about the past 30 years of my life. It has been one hell of a ride so far. I saw Mariel's blog and how she intends to celebrate her big day on the 20th. It got me thinking of how I want to spend mine too. This is the first birthday that I wont be home to celebrate it with my family or my friends. I used to celebrate it every year with a big party for the people who are closest to me.

Maybe its fitting that its going to be different this year. Turning 30 is really something I'm looking forward to and at the same time scared of. I guess it's a reminder that life is getting shorter.

My dream celebration? I want to go on a picnic. Just a simple picnic. I want to ride a swing and go down the kiddie slide. I want to play with kiddie bubbles and just walk around. Then I want to eat ice cream and cake while sitting on the grass. That is the perfect celebration for me.

Okay back to work...

Who is Chin Chaw Fan? :P

I saw Lee Chong Wei in person last night. I was having late dinner with Sir Charles and Ann at the Bakuteh when we saw our idol badminton player eating on the other table. He looked so ordinary and if you didnt know how he looked like from the badminton magazines and newspapers you won't have any idea that we were actually eating beside an international badminton star. I wanted to ask for his autograph but nahiya si charles eh. Then it started to rain so he left eventually. Wow imagine that seeing one of my badminton idols in person. With the Malaysian Open starting today, I was so dying to ask him about his thoughts. Oh well, there'll be a next time. I hope.

I texted Luis immediately about it coz I know he'd be excited as me. I also texted some other friends. My favorite reaction was that of Jesse's who asked this morning how was Chin chaw fan (whoever that is). He was referring to Lee Chong Wei. I think Jesse mixed him up with the menu in chow king. haha. It was so funny. Now I have an addition to my list of pang-asar sa kanya. Ka level to ni Diana Ross as wonder woman. Peace!!! hahaha.. I was laughing so hard in my room I think my housemates thought I was going crazy or something.

Our conversation and his chin chaw fan remark lifted my spirits as I was having a slightly "moody" morning. Hormones I guess. I had a bad headache last night and I was feeling kinda off all night. kawawa nga yung mga targets ng moodiness ko eh.but friendship is right-- nakakamoody talaga minsan.hehehe

But I'm okay now. The chin chaw fan was enough to make me smile. Sino nga kaya si Chin Chaw Fan?hahaha

Some Reflections

I'm starting to discover some changes in my life. Maan is right, we can't simply keep on doing the things we used to do. Somehow they change us. And you don't even realize it at first but then when it hits you--you realize that change isn't so bad after all. I'm learning more about myself these days. And though I am quite confused most of the time, I relearning to get to know myself again.

I used to be really either too soft or too bratty. I was never in between. Either I give in or I am too harsh. Most of the time I give in. I hate confrontations and fights. My friends attest to that. But now I'm starting to be just open to possibilities.

Sometimes I am still amazed about the things I can do now. I can't believe I could really be this independent. And whereas before I was so concerned about what others might think, now honestly I'm learning to just rely on my own conscience.

Is this the sign that I am aging? haha. I hope not. Sana eto yung tinatawag nilang wisdom.

***
Several months ago my friend Karen stopped playing badminton to spend time with her popsy. We all thought it was a wrong move in a way--giving up your game for someone. I admit I was even one of those who thought it was crazy for her to do so. Looking back, I realized Karen wasn't crazy for giving it up--she was brave enough to follow her heart. And now when I think of what she did I can't help but admire her. It took guts for her to do so. And I think I finally understood why she did it.

It takes sacrifice and a lot of adjustment to build something. The more you get to know someone, the more you realize that you are essentially different. But what makes it work is the effort you put in getting past those differences. So you learn to adjust while maintaining a sense of who you really are. And when you see that the other also makes the effort to adjust to your own quirks, that's when you know that you're very lucky to have found someone willing to put up with your stupid bloopers and bratty moments.

That's when the frustrations and tiredness disappear and the smiles return to your face.

Lazy Sunday

I just came from eating late lunch with Charles and Obet at carrefour. I'm starting to feel the effects of food that I am slowly feeling sleepy. I did my laundry earlier much to the dismay of my housemate. Minsan naiimbyerna na talaga ako sa kanya.. magastos daw sa tubig ang maglaba. hello anong gagawin ko?! di maglaba? hahaha.. Fortunately my mood perked a bit when I finally got my internet connection running. At least I can chat the day away and download stuff I need for work.

I'm starting to love weekends again. When I left Manila I didn't like weekends anymore coz it meant doing nothing. Now I'm starting to like it again. I'm glad. Last night I got to play badminton with the Pinoys here and eat late dinner of hotdog and steak courtesy of don obet. Our grand master is back from his vacation in the Philippines. After a quick chikka we went home and I think I fell asleep almost instantly. My back was aching from the hard play but thanks to my personal masseuse, my back got the relief it needed. pwede ng second career! haha

One thing I miss though--my conversations with ella. we have to make do with texting now. How I wish I could still call her and spend hours chatting with her on the phone. I kinda miss her and classmate's laugh. I know they'd love to hear from me right now. hahaha.. May utang pa ko kay classmate na inventory. hehe.

Okay so back to surfing... i'm cooking dinner later

The Other

It came during the early morning. Didn't know what hit me but I woke up feeling suddenly scared. It's hard to explain how it felt like--but it just felt like you want to put back everything to the way things were before yet you know you can't. No going back they say--once you start something that's it. It's bound to happen.

Yet I didn't expect it to come this early. And I know that as confusing as it may seem it only means one thing-- that fate is working its way. It will bring more fears and more confusion as the days go by but that is part of it-- part of the story of the other.

It's called the other because it, according to legend is the one that tells us who we ought to be rather than who really are. Paolo Coelho described it as the one that tells us that we are alive yet it also scares us back to our old shells where everything is safe and risk free.

But life isn't like that. Life isn't risk free. So I tell myself that often--as often as I could remember and I hope that I am reminded of that gift of the other. I woke up scared this morning--scared of the other. I cleaned my room and did my laundry in my hope of exorcising it from my thoughts. Two hours later I was exhausted and unsuccessful.

Then it hit me.. Pilar didn't try to kill the other. She embraced the other. In the book By the river piedra I sat down and wept, Pilar used to be afraid of the other until she realized that she should not fear her heart. The other is the part in us that tells us that tries to veer us away from embracing the grace of life.

I'm still scared. But I'm braver now. Someone once taught me that. If I survived before I know I shall survive now.

"I looked at the Other, there in the corner of the room—fragile, exhausted, disillusioned. Controlling and enslaving what should really be free: her emotions. Trying to judge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.And to save us."

And who knows what may happen.. This time I might actually end up happy.

Goodbye Moe

We called him Moemoe--short for his real name of Mozart. Actually Ves once renamed him Mozarella Del Monte Pizza Sauce Madirigma Why? Wala lang. We give our cats funny names. We once had a cat named Datu Sylvester Kamlon Javert Wiwi, Datu for short. He looked like Sylvester the cartoon cat and he stole things so we called him Kamlon and he would pee all over the house hence the wiwi. Javert came from Les Miserables which we saw one time. Oliver's name on the other hand is Sir Oliver Bacatelli/Gwapotelli Amoy Amoy Wiwi. hahaha.

Anyway, Moe was our most loyal cat. If there was an award for loyalty that would be Moe. He never left the house. Rain or shine, food or no food. He was just there in our garage. Even when he started losing hair and became ugly that no one wanted to touch him, he was still there. He was a great mouse hunter. Oftentimes he would leave "offerings" in front of our door to remind us of his talent. Several months ago when a small mouse got in the house it was Moe who anihilated in in one big gulp. Our guests often cringed at the sight of him coz he was not pretty. He loved to go towards people but because of his unsightly sores people often refer to him as "panget." But he stayed. And he had such a beautiful heart. He would take care of Poch's kittens kahit na male cat siya. He was the resident yaya of all of poch's kittens. Ang kaaway lang niya talaga ay si Polie who was admittedly our favorite. How many times have i spanked moe because he struck olie. Yet moe never fought back.

Moe died today. My mom found him under my car. I cried when I heard the news. I guess it never really occured to me that one day Moe would be gone. Now poch is all by herself. Wala na ang Moe and Poch tandem (mother and son) that would always be waiting for me in the garage. Moe always trusted my driving that he never bothered getting out of the way when I would be parking or backing out. I still can't believe that the next time I come home, there won't be any mozart to greet me by the door.

When someone dies it pains us. I know it sounds simpler when you lose a pet. But for us who loved them-nothing is simple-- it's still a loss. It's like losing a part of your family. Only this family member is not someone walking upright but rather it has four legs. I lost a family member today. And I can't help but feel such great sadness. When you lose a friend, you know that things will never be the same again.

I love you Moe. Thanks for the wonderful memories--for more than 7 years of memories. Thank you for being such a loyal cat. I know you're definitely in heaven no. Say hi to patricia for us. Mandirigma Family rules forever!

The Return.. of the Inuman Nights

SB nights are back.. We had our first return of the comeback session last night at our favorite spot in Endah Villa. The three guys (Jesse, Diomer, Charles) and I braved the rains to have our first drinking session since I returned from Manila. We had our usual beer concoction of tiger and dark beer. I brought some boy bawang and spicy dilis over from my room and the four of us laughed the night away. Kanya kanyang trip-- from listening to christmas carols (pasko na sinta ko!) and teasing each other to death. We even got to say hello through text to Happy Feet who was on a night out gimiking in Manila. We all wished we were back home but since we can't teleport our way there, we consoled ourselves with beer and nuts.

Prior to the inuman we ate tinolang manok courtesy of our chef congressman. haha. Sarap! I was supposed to cook but our resident chef volunteered to do so. I even got a free lecture on how to slice sayote the right way (may right and wrong way pala!).

Now I am quite sleepy. The session ended around midnight and I fell asleep in the couch. Woke up at 6am to return to my room and get ready for work. Talagang back to the olden days na.. hehehe. It's nice to be back though..

Sabi nga ni Boy Phookistan..."walang sukuan.."

We're back!!

Monday Musings

Checking up on my blog this morning, aba to my surprise my chat box is filled with new messages!! Aliw! Happy feet and Niel came by to visit. Nice to know that my blog is being visited. haha. May nagreklamo pa nga na tinitira ko daw siyang matanda! :P peace! Sige na nga di na po, lolo. hehehe.

My sister once asked me how come people enjoy blogging so much. I told her that maybe it's because blogs allow you to connect to others and write about your life in a way that you still know that you're being listened to. Unlike regular journals of which I'm also fond of, blogs allow for interaction. At least you know that you won't have to wait till your dead for someone to actually read your thoughts.

Had a really nice weekend. Played badminton last Saturday. Sobrang kulitan on court. Partnered with Charles against a thai duo and despite losing the third set in a closely matched game, we really played well. To think dalawang guys pa yon. Halos mamatay ako sa pagod. Syempre bodega galore diba? hehehe. My favorite game was when Jinkee and I partnered against the boys--Rey and Jesse. Loko yung dalawa eh. Pinagtripan kami. Gumanti tuloy ang girl power. We won! hahaha. After the long games we retired to Charles' place and ate the carbonarra I cooked for dinner. Syomay! ang sarap kumain! Seeing the guys' faces after the meal was enough to remove the tired feeling from cooking that carbonarra. It's hard to find ingredients here in Malaysia. I still get lost inside the grocery.

Sunday was more restful. Woke up late and ended up locking my keys inside my room! haha. blooper talaga. Couldn't get out of the house tuloy. Sige na katangahan na po!!! Fortunately Kelly was home so she opened the door for us. After lunch at Charles we brought Jom's gift at Endah Regal. Loved her reaction when she realized na ang padala ay para pala sa kanya. Sayang wala akong camera. Afterwards we went to mass.. And yes ella, di ako nasunog!haha

During mass, there was this little kid who was so cute. He was with his parents seated in front of us in church and he kept on grasping for my hand. He wanted to shake hands. The kid was super friendly that one can't help but smile and play with him. I'm usually that easily approached by little kids but somehow he liked me. hahaha. He had a cute dimple and he smiled a lot. He even tried to hand me the hymm book. Hmm siguro naaliw sa katabi kong clown! hahaha.. (uy may magtatampo na diyan! :p)

After mass we headed of to times square berjaya where my fear of heights was once again tested. Looking down from the tenth floor I felt my knees wobble a bit. Jesse asked why I was scared of heights and for the life of me I really can't recall why. Maybe it was because I fell down from the bed when i was a kid leaving me with a tiny Harry potter like scar on my forehead? Or maybe because my aunt dragged me to the rollercoaster when I was 4 or 5 when I hated it? I really have no idea. I was actually told that it was purely psychological (nahiritin ang psychologist!) and I definitely agree. But somehow realizing that and actually getting over it can be quite challenging. Had dinner after at the 10'th floor foodcourt. Yummy fried rice. Kalimutan na daw muna ang diet!

Totoo nga you won't feel the weekend especially when you do so many things. Pagod but enjoy. And ngayon it's monday again.. I wonder what is in store this week..

Jericho Marathon and Getting Locked Out

I've started to watch a new tv series here called Jericho. It's about a town that got hit by a nuclear fallout. I haven't exactly figured out the entire plot yet but it seemed interesting. Last night I watched 3 episodes here in my laptop with Jesse over Charles' place before falling asleep. Tama si Charles you have to really watch it to get the story coz it's not your typical tv show. I hope it turns out to be one good show.

It was raining last night so we just stayed indoors and ate breakfast for dinner. hahaha. Breakfast kasi ang menu--hotdog, fried eggs, sinangag, knorr chicken sopas, and leftover sisig. Iba pa din talaga ang purefoods tender juicy hotdog with matching delmonte tomato ketchup. The best! Simple pleasures that make a day truly special. Talo ang mga high class restaurants sa menu namin. The four of us--Charles, Diomer, Jesse and me were so full after that we barely could catch our breaths. Talagang gluttony. hahaha. We took turns sharing our favorite ways of eating purefoods tender juicy hotdog (with mayo, with mayo and ketchup, with mustard, etc..) kala mo tuloy ginutom kami ng isang daang taon! hahaha.

I woke up slightly before 6am at the sound of Jesse's alarm clock. Talagang magugulat ka sa alarm! Parang may sunog sa lakas eh. . He went off to his house and prepare for work while I went back to my room hoping to sleep some more. Unfortunately when I got here my housemates sort of forgot that I wasn't in yet so they locked the inner padlock. Di tuloy ako makapasok!! kaya bumalik na lang ako kina charles to sleep again. Ayan ang tinatawag na blooper! Reminds me of the time when I got locked out in Manila and slept inside my car till my mom woke up at 7am. ...Muling naantala ang tulog when I got a call from someone looking for his missing ID. So hanap naman daw ako all over the sala. haha. Turned out nasa belt bag niya. Hay nako! iba na talaga ang tumatanda.:P peace! hehehe.

Finally at 9am di ko na matiis kinatok ko na sina housemates. They looked apologetic naman. I was dying to get into the shower coz I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday. I cleaned the toilet as well coz it was kind of dirty already.

Another typical weekend in the life of the dreamer. I wonder what's in store for today.

Ewan

Fortunately or unfortunately I still have no answer to ella's burning question. So I leave her with a great big EWAN as an answer.

I wish I could give her the answer she's waiting for but it's not yet meant to be answered.

Two quotes from Meredith Grey to live by tonight..

"There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make, true commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully."

"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."

Bleeding Feet

Vanity is said to be the favorite sin of people. hahaha. I think I will agree. My feet are blisterred right now because of my need to be vain. I decided to feel pretty today so I wore skirt to work and syempre I have to wear the perfect matching shoes diba. So kebs na ang comfort and go for looks tayo.I failed to consider the fact that I was going to be walking today kaya ayan by the time I got here sa chulan tower, my feet are killing me again! hahaha. karma!

Had my laptop fixed over lunch. Sana it will be better na later. I want to be able to enjoy all the dvd's I brought with me along with my hard drive filled with downloaded movies. Sayang naman diba? hehe.

I'm sleepy again.. Pwede kayang matulog dito?

Muni Muni sa Umaga

I'm at the Chulan Tower today at our KL teaching centre. I'm helping out my student from Burma make sense of her assessment paper for my class which is due next month. Some say it's not my responsibility anymore but part of me feels the need to help her more coz I too was once a student and I too was once as lost as she was. So now that I have the chance to give back the kindness (and unkindness) that were given to me by my former profs, I'd like to take time to help her out. pero still nakakafrustrate ha! di kami magkaintindihan kaya!

This morning I woke up early despite sleeping late last night. My sleep was kinda disturbed I guess coz I'd wake every 45 minutes or so. By the time it was 7am I didn't want to sleep anymore. So I just opted to do my laundry and force myself to do my reflecting while figuring out the machine. Di ko malaman kung eng eng lang ako pero di ko ma on yung water kanina. hay buhay!

I got out of the house at 8:45 and after getting lost again in KL, I finally found my way here in Chulan Tower. Mel told me that it was going to be a bit of a walk. She failed to tell me that it was one heck of a walk! hahaha. And I'm wearing heels pa naman and skirt. Not to mention I have my laptop with me. So ayan ang beauty parang nag amazing race again sa KL. I just laughed at myself to keep myself amused. At least it took my mind off the things I was thinking of this morning.

Right now I feel my head floating and I'm starting to feel sleepy. Walang matinong YM dito sa I'm forced to make do with the wap version. ang hirap pala! effort ang gamitin siya! My student is busy trying to make sense of her theories while I'm here doing my blog while waiting for her next kulit question.

Still trying to figure out some things.. Am I making sense at all today? hahaha.. Tama si ella, complications complications complications! :P

sige na nga magpapanggap na muli akong magtrabaho

Nine Mornings

I was in Manila for a total of Nine Mornings. Pang Piolo Pascual-Donita Rose movie ito! And in those nine mornings I spent more time awake than asleep with all the reunions and parties that I had to go to. I have no regrets though. I enjoyed every freaking minute of it.

Day1: Dec. 24--Arrival-- after flying in from KL with no sleep, I went straight home to have late lunch with momsi and ves. I was still quite in a zombie state when I got home so I rested a bit lang the entire night. Eto na pala ang huling araw ng pahinga!

Day 2: Dec. 25--Reunion with Santos Family-- our traditional lunch with Tita Thel and Tito Ted only this time minus Ning and Beryl who are both in the US now and Randy who was taong bahay. I cooked pancit and pata tim (yon pala ang tawag dun!) while chatting online sa ym (multitasking). Went to mass at 6pm and had dinner with Fr. Ben after at Gerry's grill. Sayang lang walang inihaw na pusit at kinilaw ng tanigue. After bringing mommy and ves home I was off to late night coffee with ella. We used her starbucks coupon and had long awaited chikka session till 1am

Day 3: Dec. 26--; Badminton at GBC, Shopping with mommy and chat sa ym. Whole day running around affair siya. I was half attached to my phone kaya I bet my bill will skyrocket again this month!At GBC, I played 3 matches. It should have been more but I arrived late.hahaha. I injured myself sa first match pa lang but syempre pasaway, I still played. I enjoyed my game with Luis the most. It was nice partnering with him again. We still move well together despite not playing for quite a while. He wasn't supposed to come that night but buti na lang he came. Sadly though I wasn't able to patch things up with my other friends so that was a sour moment of the night. But it was comforting to know that I still have other friends there to keep me happy.

Day 4: Dec. 27-- Day off with ella!-- a.k.a. gluttony day. We pigged out sa shakeys with classmate adrian. Three people pero ang order pang 7 ata! 1 family pizza, 5 pcs chicken, basket of mojos. We walked it off a bit sa megamall where I was searching for christmas gifts. unfortunately di ako wagi. We went na lang for kikayness sa David's salon and had a haircut, manicure and pedicure. Then off to seattles best to have coffee with lyzet and then isaw at Querico. Ewan ko bat di kami nabubusog. The day's highlight-- Lyzet's smile and Adrian's laugh. Why? Ask niyo na lang sila.

Day 5: Dec. 28-- Mall, Coffee and GBC Inuman--Mall with Momsi again and then off to coffee with Friendship Maan. We updated each other on the events of our lives. Patalbugan ng mga happenings. She gave me a really nice necklace which she made personally. AWWW ang cute!!! I'm so touched. Afterwards we did some more shopping for the SB boys (ang orders ng yosi at dried mangoes po hinabol!) before I headed off to GBC. For the first time in my badminton career I didn't mind not playing. As in it was a total surprise that I decided to just skip play. Tita cons and I just bought bbq and off we went to Harry's for the GBC inuman. That lasted till 4am pano ang daming humabol-- luis whom marlo and i picked up sa eastwood at 1am (martyr daw kami sabi ni tita cons! but syempre kulang ang party pag di kumpleto diba?) after his date and boss vic na 3am na dumating (he doesnt arrive late daw, he just arrives when he wants to arrive!haha). Nearly had a heart attack on my way home with pau's driving. hahaha. After dropping off luis home I was finally asleep at 4am. Whew!

Day 6: Dec. 29- Meetings, Bondings, and P10 dinner--Woke up at 8am to have breakfast with Ves and mommy. Then off to Metrowalk for my meeting with Angeli. We talked about the programmes here at work and the things we need to do when I get back. I went to visit Len after and we had a mini bonding session. I kinda missed our "talks" back when I was still in Manila. I think she is still in shock from all the stories I shared. haha. By the time I noticed it, it was already 330 and I had to go home to prepare for my party at 7pm. Took a short nap when I got home and started cooking at 7pm (sige not so short nap!).. The p10 girls came first then followed by Charrie and Chris. Then Obet and Bojo came followed by Ella, Lyzet, Aldwin and lady. The party lasted until 2:30am. My head was already spinning then after downing 1.5 cases of beer. Asar talo ako as ever everytime my phone would beep especially when it was my digi line. Naku! loko tong si don obet eh! ibenta talaga ako. Damayan pa ni lyzet at ang kanyang mga mega hirits!

Day 7: Dec. 30-- More shopping, Binyagan, at Inuman sa Timog--Riverbanks and DVD shopping with mommy-- treated my mom to a footspa after shopping for dvds. Ran more errands for her and did some last minute grocery shopping din. After dropping her off at home I went o be ninang at Aya's christening at greenmeadows. Reunion with the bridget gals afterwards and then after dinner party at FJ's in timog with tita connie and tito morris. Birthday pala ni lolo mike kaya we celebrated it with him. Funny dun di pa kami magkakilala talaga nun. Nakiparty lang ako.hehehe.

Day 8: Dec. 31-- The last day of the year--New Year's eve lunch with Santos Family-- another family tradition not to be missed. Arrived quite late kasi I was kinda sidetracked a bit by a certain sleepy person. haha. We realized that this was our LAST family lunch at the old pingpong table coz tito ted is finally retiring in May. It was kinda nostalgic and a bit lonely thinking that we won't get to spend new year's there anymore next year. We took pictures to send to beryl and ning. Kinalimutan ng tuluyan ang diet at inupakan ang crispy pata, lumpiang shanghai, bbq, at karekare. YUMMY... Two hours later we were FULL... Spent the next few hours glued to the computer coz someone apparently fell asleep and was so dizzy.. naguilty naman akong di damayan.:P I broke my chat record (6hours! kaya pala masakit na mata ko!) Next thing I knew 8pm na pla and it was dinner time. Kaya pala masungit na si ves. We had our new year's eve dinner of leftovers and then my family decided to sleep. What a way to spend new year's right? Ako?! I jumped on the bed when 12mn struck! Yes! umaasa pa din akong tatangkad ako.

Day 9: Jan 1-- LAST DAY!... Decided to spend it with my family at home. Did laundry and cooked macaroni and cheese with Ves. Tito willy came by late in the afternoon followed by ella and lyzet. Furiously finished packing and readied myself for my return. Grabe tapos na ang bakasyon.

UWIAN NA--Jan 2--while nursing a fever, i drove to clark and boarded a plane back to KL. Back to reality na. Back to work. Chicken afritada was waiting for me at Charles' house when I got to Endah Villa courtesy of our resident cook and handyperson Jesse. The guys were so sweet to wait for me when I got back. At least I didn't have to go back to my ever quiet room kaagad. When Jesse brought me back he even helped me unpack. Nakakahiya nga lang ang state ng aking room kasi makalat (kelan ba hindi?). hahaha. Nakakataba ng puso how people can make you feel better by just being there.

The vacation was too short when you think about it but it was well lived. How I survived with just a slight fever amazes me to this moment.

Till the next homecoming..

2006: The Year That Was

I'm way too sleepy to think of posting in my blog at this time but it has always been my tradition to write a yearend journal entry. Every year I try to remember the year that was and the lessons I've learned the past 12 months.

Year 2006 is a year of change.It is a year of heartbreak and loss; a year of joy and laughter. For short, 2006 is a well lived year.

There are years where you just feel the months go by without anything happening. 2006 wasn't like that. Every month something exciting was bound to happen--be it happy or sad and with each hello and goodbye, I learned a lot. I think I learned more about myself this year than in any other year that came and went by. I learned to brave and to be strong this year. And most of all I learned to let go.

The first three months were the challenge months for my studies. I struggled to finish my dissertation much to the dismay of my mom. I know I disappointed a lot when I didn't make it to the graduation rites but what the heck, I finished it. I got to defend last March 17. I finally earned the much awaited PhD. Earning that was a great feat if you add on the fact that the person who was supposed to keep me grounded and sane through it all broke my heart into a million pieces. So despie nursing a heartbreak I had to struggle to move on.

2006 also marked the year of badminton. I played more hours in badminton this year than in any other year. Although my tournaments were reduced as compared to 2005 I still managed to join quite a number. I won more this year which made it more special. I finally won at the All Jesuit Badminton Tourney in July after 3 tries. I changed partners too this year-- first kei and I became ladies doubles partners then in mixed it was luis who became my new partner. My two partnerships proved to be lucky ones as we won quite a handful of tourneys. My most unforgetable win? Go Badminton last September. How we trained for that tourney will always be memorable to me. And I know partner luis won't forget it either kasi dun sila nagkabalikan ni Byo.

Aside from the winnings 2006 will also mark the year of my retirement from active play. Sad to say I had to stop for a while to move to a new adventure in life called Malaysia. Moving to Malaysia stopped my badminton addiction since I don't get to play as much as I want to there now. The first few weeks I was so bummed about this but now I realized it was the best time to retire. I retired at the top of my game. I retired knowing that I gave badminton my heart and soul. I retired playing the game of my life.

Then came Malaysia. Who would have thought back in January that I'd end up working in a different country? It was an application that started out as a joke and ended with serious 3 year contract and a chance to start anew. I admit my reasons for applying were quite superficial but looking back I guess I needed that reason to push myself to be braver. I was totally lost in my comfort zone and although it was quite comfortable, life was dull.

When I left last november I didnt know that I could last the first three weeks. I had my plane ticket home ready--I just wanted to give it a chance. I cried all the way from Manila to KL. It was so scary leaving the only life I've known.

Four weeks weeks later I'm here in Manila preparing for my return to KL on tuesday. I'm actually looking forward to going back. I belong there now. The girl who used to just sit back and be part of the crowd is now out in the open stage.

Perhaps what I'll remember most about 2006 is the fact that this year I lost one of my bestfriends. I've known him for 12 years--since first year highschool. But somehow fate has decided to end our friendship. There were times that I blamed myself for losing him but now looking back, I realized we just both didn't want to hold on. Friendship takes two people to make it work and I guess, my faith in him wasn't enough for him to stay. I'll always miss the old Peter who used to spend hours chatting with me about everything but I've learned that in life you don't always get what you pray for and in the end you learn to be contented with the memories. No one can take away all those beautiful memories away from me. Despite everything I am still grateful to Peter-- he pushed me to be braver than ever. Without him I wouldn't be where I am today. He gave me the best gift of all-- the chance to do something brave and believe in myself. He helped me find the courage to find and love myself again. For that I shall always be grateful.Thank you Peter. And I'm sorry for not being the friend you hoped that I would be. Sana someday we can be friends again.

With every loss they say, something is gained. I lost my bestfriend and half of my friends but I also gained new friends and new people to love. I met so many new people and got to know a bigger world. Di lang pala sa badminton umiikot ang mundo. At may iba pa palang mga taong pwedeng mahalin bukod sa iilan.

I still havent completely figured out why God let all these things happen but I am not keen on questionning his wisdom. I learned to find my peace in whatever life will throw my way.

In a few hours 2006 will end. I will say hello to 2007. I wonder what lies ahead in the coming year. I hope that it will be as exciting and as well lived as this year. kung pwede less heartaches and more joys but kung di pwede sana at the end of 2007 I still have the same faith in people that I have with me now.

Auf wiedersehen 2006.
Guten Tag 2007!
Manigong bagong taon sa lahat!