Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday Afternoon

"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. I never said there wouldn’t be tears, I just promised to be there if there was. I never said it would be true love, I only said you’d know if it was. I never promised it would be forever, I only said to love unconditionally and generously with no recognition of time. I never said to hold on at all costs, I only said one day you’d have to let go and be free. I never said you’d get the rainbow without getting through the rain, I only said the sun is always brighter than the storm. I never said you wouldn’t cry, or feel like your heart had died. I never said you wouldn’t change inside. And if I had, I’d have lied."

I've been having these mini conversations with moof lately about life, love and the great big questions of life. I guess we've both been wanting answers to questions and more than anything else we've both been trying to figure out what's in store for us in the future.

Moof asked me last week how come I hope so much. How come despite everything I still remain hopeful. I really don't know how to answer her question. She's been telling me to fuck hope (yup! the cynic and the dreamer are good friends) and I guess in some ways I've become more cynical these days. But I guess moof was also right when she said, that despite my moments of seeming cynicism, I will never fully cross over to the dark side. ;)

Moof told me today that believing in hope is dangerous because hope can make you fall. Out of the blue I said, that's thing-- you need to trust in life enough to know that when you fall somebody will be out there who will catch you.

Maybe it was caused by having way too much maggie goreng ayam or roti chennai and roti tissue.. or maybe uncle drugged the teh ice and teh o ice limau, but I guess no matter how I really tell to myself that reality is a good thing-- i will always remain hopeful. Because Hope is a good thing. Hope is everything.

Once upon a time I told my one of my friends that the day I give up hope is the day I die. Maybe that's why I hold on to it with everything that I can. Because someday I hope that everything will be worth it. That all these crap and fucked up moments will be worth it. I need to believe in that.

I'm watching the rains pour from my bedroom window and I silently reflect about my weekend. And I find myself smiling. I learned to accept the reality of living in the moment and taking forever as a construct of time. Forever doesn't necessarily mean its never ending-- forever lasts as long as we want me to be.

Somehow this post may not make sense but it speaks a lot of my thoughts for the day. Life continues for me and I am learning day by day to live in the "hope" filled life I choose amidst the struggles of reality that I am in.

And my mini debates with moof will continue for as long as we both have the courage to face our fears and be willing to share our joys.

kasi nga moof.. hope is good..and even if hope causes you to fall, it always floats :)

It's Complicated

Oliver showed me a nice entry from his friend this morning. There was a quote there that struck me. So I'm reposting that quote here.

COMPLICATED

It’s when you don’t know where you stand in a person’s life.
It’s when you are hanging on to dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime.
It’s like when you are more than friends but not really.
And it’s like you are lovers when it’s really otherwise.
Sometimes, you would want to wish to have never met that person at all,
But at the back of your mind, you are thankful you have

Who wants complications? I know I don't. But I think the reason why we gravitate towards it is because the excitement of it makes life interesting and if for some reason its the only way to be with someone you want to be with, the complication gives you that spark of hope that one day things might end differently. But then again, its a matter of choice isn't it? Ang tanong diyan eh gano ka tatagal sa complication? hanggang kelan ka magtitiyaga?

Ika nga ni Laida, maniwala na lang sa goodness.

hahaha...

Mushy Movie Night

"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you" -Gerry Kennedy (P.S. I love you the movie)

I was talking to a friend the other night while watching a movie I recently downloaded. It was an old film starring Hilary Swank and that guy from 300. Basically in the film HS lost her husband and every month for a year he sends her letters telling her how to move on and live a life without him. It's absolutely mushy i know. But there was something about the film that moved me. Especially when Gerry sent his last letter. I was really crying after Holly read the line "Dont be afraid to fall in love again." My friend laughed at my admission of being mushy again. Imagine me sitting infront of the pc bawling my eyes out hahaha. It's been a while..

The film reminded me of our fear of getting hurt. Life isn't always about happy endings and for some it could be one sad goodbye after the other. And sometimes, those hurts pile up until they reach a point when we become so afraid to even try. We become cynical and closed to even the possibility of investing in our feelings once more. And that to me is the saddest possible thing that could happen.

So I always remind myself of that-- that I shouldn't be afraid to care or to risk. The chance of laughing and smiling like crazy once more is enough to warrant taking a leap of faith every now and then. Gerry was right. If we fear making mistakes then we are in the wrong species. ("Then you're in the wrong species, love. Be a duck")

My kapitneighbor ate billie told me a while ago how I'm so easy to read and how I light up everytime I am happy. And now I realize that I want that light to always shine on me.

Coz I deserve that kind of glow.

The Return of the Other

The last time "the other"visited was several years back.I was still in Manila living a totally different life. I was very optimistic then that I welcomed the other's arrival with open arms. I thought at that time it was things will turn out differently. Unfortunately it didn't happen. Life had its way of changing course at the least expected moment. And so despite a heavy heart, I had to say goodbye. After all it wasn't something that I could hold on to. I held on to the good memories but I've learned to let go of the bad.

I learned about "the other" from my favorite author-- Paulo Coelho. Call it fear, insecurity or both. It usually comes after the moment of bliss. It arrives the moment you learn to admit that you care. You start feeling insecure and helpless, as if your heart is being torn into pieces for no reason at all.

When I left, the other left and stayed away. And though it meant having no fears, it also meant that a part of me died-- the part that remained hopeful about the mysteries of yet to come. I remained the dreamer that I was but part of me stopped believing in those dreams. The other was never meant to destroy us but rather to strengthen us and make us choose the right path to take. The other was sent for us to take that leap of faith-- to jump into the unknown and embrace whatever comes your way.

The other night I had a dream. I was watching a video and I was trying to make sense of the violence in the video. I told my friend who was there that I needed to understand--I needed to understand what happened so that I could keep my faith in people intact. I believe the dream was speaking to me about my own faith in people and how in the recent years my faith in people have wavered. Maybe I've grown a bit cynical or maybe I just went through so much that I needed to become wary. I don't really know.

But now "the other" has come back. I sensed it creeping slowly. And though I am scared, I feel a sense of bliss-- because with its return also meant that the part of me that died several years ago is coming back to life. And maybe little by little I am slowly going back to how I was before.

I am rambling again. And I dont really know why. Maybe its time to take that leap of faith. Or maybe I am just being me once more. :)

Letting Go

Over lunch I told my friend that he shouldn't be too attached to things and that we should all learn to let go. How ironic that a few hours later I find myself pondering over the very same issue. I have this history with celphones that could fill the pages of a book entitled "A hundred and one ways to lose a phone." I thought I already managed to try every possible way of losing my phone (i.e. theft, forgetting where i hid it, crushing the lcd from the car door, etc). But no, I had to another today.

And so it goes this way-my phone of almost 2 years died of an untimely death this afternoon courtesy of the bottle opener key chain in my bag and the cross trainer in the gym. How it happened I do not know. And up until now I am still berrating myself for another act of stupidity that ranks highly on "jaime's blooper list"

It wasn't as devastating at first. I told myself, its just a phone. Let it go. It's not the end of the world... then I realized that it wasn't just the phone that died-- but all the stuff i placed inside it as well- particularly 21 saved messages that I keep close to my heart. They were messages from friends all over ranging from the usual hi's and hellos, to forward texts, and take cares. Simple stuff. But they mean the world to me.

Funny isnt it that my last entry was only a couple of hours ago and I wrote about Bliss and how finding it was simply magic. I think of that moment right now and realize that those memories are really really important because they keep us going in times like these.

ayan kasi sabi na wag magpapaka senti..

let go nga eh.

Surprise Call

I got a surprise in the middle of my sleep last nignt-- Idol called. At first I thought it was an accidental call but when anthony called again, I thought hey there must be something up for idol to call in the middle of the night. True enough,there was something worth waking up for--it was called Thesis crisis.

I knew how it felt like to go through that crisis. I went through it twice. Believe me, when it comes you almost find the urge to just walk away from it all until a gentle dreamer inside you reminds you that walking away from your dream and hardwork is nothing but pure stupidity. So before you lose that grip on the dream, you need to find that someone to push you a bit more. I remember Idol's first few sentences last night-- I need something to motivate me to keep going.

I couldn't think of anything to say except I think I said something like "dapat tapusin mo na kasi gusto ko mag Bali!" (you should finish it coz I want to go to Bali) What a self centered motivation right? hahaha. We had this deal kasi that we will celebrate the end of his thesis in Bali. Oh diba? Sosyal.

His call actually reminded me of thesis and dissertation days-- when I too wanted to just throw it all away. After a while you just get completely sick of reading all those journals and going through all those stats. But it's all part of the journey.

Anthony made me miss home again. Aww.. After his call came luis' text announcing he has YM already. Last night was badminton night and had I been home we would probably just ending play around that time. Then we'd probably go to Eastwood to eat with Byo and go home a little after 1am. Traditions.

Of course for now I have to be contented with the calls and occasional hello's and text messages from everyone. Anthony might have called me because I was his only friend who knew what he was going through with thesis but in truth he also acts as my motivator. His call got me a little closer to home even for several minutes. And it made me find my bliss once more.

Kaya idol tapusin mo na! para di ka na delata.magiging isa ka ng ganap na master idol. hahaha

The final two weeks

Two more weeks of playing badminton and I have to say goodbye to my beloved sport for a while. I don't know how long it'll last but I hate to think that I have 6 more playing days left. I think I'm still in a denial over the reality that in two weeks time I'm saying goodbye to the pollution and drama of Manila and will say hello to another world called Kuala Lumpur.

I'll miss a lot of things when I go. I think I'll miss my badminton nights the most. It's been part of my life for so long that I don't know how to last a week na without playing. I'll also miss my tambay nights and gym days and my telebabad moments with Ella. Haay.. I hate goodbyes.

Last sat I had late dinner with Luis, Mike and Binky at tapsi ni vivian. Afterwards Luis and I had coffee at Starbucks in Blue Wave. We hanged out till almost 2am. It was slightly different from our usual post badminton hangouts but it was fun. We talked about the coming semester and how excited we both were about our new jobs (he's teaching na and Im teaching in a new university). I'm going to miss our drive homes at night. I've gotten so used to dropping him off after play or tambay and I know in Malaysia I won't get to do that anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didnt have to go. But I know that I have to or else I'd always live to regret that I never tried.

Who knows how my adventure in KL will prosper. I do hope that I'll get to find good friends there as well. I do hope that I can also return home in the near future. Three years is just 36 months away.

Changes

Life has somehow changed a lot the past few weeks. Sometimes when I look back over what happened I couldn't help but wonder, what could have been done along the way? Could things have been more different? But then I realized that that's life. It's a constant myriad of changes that no one can absolutely predict. One moment you're friends, and the next moment it's gone.

I used to hate changes but recently I've learned to embrace and just enjoy the ride while it lasts. And though at times I find myself wishing for what if's and could have's I realized that there's no use crying over what is gone. Sure it hurts but life is tough. We need to learn to move on.

I've come to know the meaning of friendship the past few weeks. And I've come to know that sometimes we all change. Promises are broken and feelings are changed. But if you know how to forgive and let go, you learn that with every goodbye, you learn-- you learn that there's no use holding on to grudges when life is too precious to waste. And most of all you learn that in the end, those who stick are those who chose to stay.

Some are fated to leave but if you are lucky enough, someone chooses to stay.