Adventures of the New Expat

Survived Day 1 at the university. My head ached at the end of the day because of all the things that needed to be done but at least I got through it. I nearly thought of backing out the night before. After all how does one say goodbye to the comfort of home and hello to total uncertainty?

When I got to NAIA my eyes were all puffy and red. I breezed through POEA (for a change) but waited 1.5 hours to get myself checked in at the malaysian air counter.Fortunately I met Jordi there, a spaniard who was on a business trip to Manila. We were standing in line together and since it was taking forever we ended up chatting. The first thing he told me was I didnt look like a Filipina maid. I know it sounds insulting at first but it's a reality for most Filipina travellers. tanggapin na natin na karamihan sa tin umaalis to work as DH and caregivers. at walang masama dun So I took it in stride and striked up a conversation with him. He was quite friendly and by the time we checked in, we were friends. I think it was knowing that there was someone who actually buys a telephone directory (yung yellow pages ha!) that made me feel at home with him. hehehe.

Inside the airport we joked around while going through immigration. True to form may blooper pa din ako. Pumila ako sa men's line ng security. hahaha. He treated me at the airport snackbar and we chatted some more. He travelled a lot so he was used to airport life.

I thought it was goodbye for us when it was already boarding coz we were seated 10 rows apart.It sounded so abrupt as I was just getting used to having a new friend.So I felt kinda sad but what can we do right? But since ms. friendship ako, nagpalipat ako ng chair sa tabi niya. Pakapalan ito ng face sa stewardess. So I moved. Jordi got my bag from my original seat and couldn't believe that I was able to carry that much weight. Nagpayoff din pala ang gym at weights.

We chatted the entire 3hrs 45minutes of the flight. Parang naglife history activity kami ng psych testing. hehehe. We compared notes on the common words in spanish and filipino, talked about tolkien and lord of the rings, watched the sunset from the plane and admired the clouds. It was fun. We had a lot of things in common both in interests and experiences. It was kind of way too coincidental that we met. Even our family backgrounds were almost similar. The Filipinos seating around us were curious I guess coz they kept giving us strange glances. Sabagay gwapo yung katabi ko eh.hahaha. I even got to drink beer on board the plane. We debated on which beer was better and how we both end up taking care of friends who end up dead drunk.I had a great time. But most of all, it kept my mind from the feeling of loneliness. And it gave me hope that I'd be okay in this strange country.

I hesistantly said goodbye to my new friend at the airport after the university driver came and picked me up. He offered to bring my bag to the car but my driver said it was okay. So Jordi left in a cab bound for KL and I went to my hotel at Equatorial bangi, a kingdom faraway. We promised to keep in touch. I hope so. I think that was the best plane ride ever of my life.

The next day was day 1 at work. Spent the morning figuring out my id cards, getting my passwords, and getting a phone installed in my room. I now have a local of my own! wow! my room is still bare except for a pc, a printer and my phone (which I installed myself) along with three books (persuasion by jane austen, The alchemist by paolo coelho, and an angel book courtesy of luis and byo) and a bunch of papers. The driver brought me to a local grocery in the afternoon to get my supplies of junkfood.

By the time I got home I was having a migraine. I think the spicy food for lunch did me in. Not to mention that I ate so late. Buti na lang ves and mommy called. I fell asleep and nearly didn't hear the call of my other friend Gautam. He and I met last July here so it was nice hearing from him again.

So what happens next for this adventurous lola?... search for a house. Two options-- live in campus (FREE) but live a hermit life or rent a place somewhere and figure out how to get here.

Have I told anyone that nottingham is right smack in the middle of a mountain in the middle of nowhere? Parang nasa bagiuo ako. at walang public.magaling!

Till the next adventure

The Final Day

If you had 24 hours left what would you do?

I'm facing that question right now. This is my last day in Manila. I'm leaving tomorrow for the grandest adventure of all. Im moving to Kuala Lumpur. Everyone tells me that it's the best thing in life. I know it is. But part of me is also scared shit that it might not be.

I'm leaving everything that I find comfort in tomorrow. I'm leaving my family, friends, my car, my cat, my security, and my badminton. Basically my life is ending tomorrow and Im starting a totally new one. If that isn't scary enough, I'm going to a place where I hardly know anyone and where I don't even understand what most of the people are talking about.

But I don't want to think about that now. I've got 24 hours (or so..my flight is at 5pm) left and I mean to enjoy every freaking minute of it.

The past four months have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I lived. And that's what made it all worthwhile. I'll miss everyone and I know I can't wait to come home for xmas.

Three weeks. I just need to survive that for now. 21 days.

Late Night Coffee and Pancit

There's nothing like eating leftover pancit with a good cup of coffee after a long hard play of badminton. I'm not a regular coffee drinker (except right now in my quest for the starbucks planner)but surprisingly, I found Nescafe's 3 in 1 quite good.

It was an impromptu gimik after queing at GBC. Popie Cholo (aka Willy) invited us to eat pancit at the LOVE electronics office in Cainta. So off we go-- tita connie, tito morris, ara, coach harry, Marlo, and me. Ara cooked scrambled eggs, marlo made coffee (first time daw niya magoffer magtimpla kaya touched ako!hahaha), and willy provided the in house entertainment. We pigged out on pancit, tofu, tasty bread, atbp pang mga tira tira. =) Non-stop tawanan and non stop asaran. I nearly died laughing sa mga impersonation ni marlo sa lunges ni "sgt-sp04-capt" WAGI!! Napawi lahat ng pagod brought about by the games.

Namiss namin sina luis (who was sleeping, pao, at lou but it was fun nonetheless. The gang made me feel welcome and I was really touched by the gesture of making me feel at home. It was almost 2am when I finally got home. Puyat puyat again. I slept in front of the TV on top of my favorite beanbag. Tired but happy.

My biggest learning last night-- life goes on. And if you allow it to, it will shower you with graces from the most unexpected places. Rainbows will always come after the rains.

7 days to go...

The final two weeks

Two more weeks of playing badminton and I have to say goodbye to my beloved sport for a while. I don't know how long it'll last but I hate to think that I have 6 more playing days left. I think I'm still in a denial over the reality that in two weeks time I'm saying goodbye to the pollution and drama of Manila and will say hello to another world called Kuala Lumpur.

I'll miss a lot of things when I go. I think I'll miss my badminton nights the most. It's been part of my life for so long that I don't know how to last a week na without playing. I'll also miss my tambay nights and gym days and my telebabad moments with Ella. Haay.. I hate goodbyes.

Last sat I had late dinner with Luis, Mike and Binky at tapsi ni vivian. Afterwards Luis and I had coffee at Starbucks in Blue Wave. We hanged out till almost 2am. It was slightly different from our usual post badminton hangouts but it was fun. We talked about the coming semester and how excited we both were about our new jobs (he's teaching na and Im teaching in a new university). I'm going to miss our drive homes at night. I've gotten so used to dropping him off after play or tambay and I know in Malaysia I won't get to do that anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didnt have to go. But I know that I have to or else I'd always live to regret that I never tried.

Who knows how my adventure in KL will prosper. I do hope that I'll get to find good friends there as well. I do hope that I can also return home in the near future. Three years is just 36 months away.

Singles Match Miracles

Last night I played singles against Luis on court. Well modified singles that is-- we just played in one half of the court and all shots beyond that half is considered out (you might say, it's more for training of control of shots). We played 8 sets in all (rally point-1 to 21). First we tried the right side then the left side and then the two diagonals. Ever since I can remember I would always end up losing (or should I say massacred) in singles against luis (or against anyone). I just simply do not have the leg power to last in singles. Last night I scored my first ever double digit score in history. The first set I scored a 10 I was shouting for joy. Moreso when my score reached 14.

Luis is not the type who gives leeway because I'm a girl. No mercy pa din yon. Every time we train or play together, I always end up getting a pasa courtesy of his body shots. Last night our friends were kidding him about his no mercy treatment of me on court. But I never take that against him. In fact I rather enjoy the challenge (sige na nga masochist ako!).Luis pushes me to go beyond my limits. He'd never take excuses from me and would continue to push me until I can push no more. And I find it heartwarming that he believes in my capacity to go beyond mediocrity.

The games ended with me losing all the matches. But I felt a winner nonetheless. I used to lose badly to luis before and last night we had some very good rallies out there. And partner luis was proud. I could barely walk off court afterwards. He even had to bring me my water bottle coz I could not move anymore. During the last set I was so tired that my legs would not move in the way I want it to move but I pushed on nonetheless. I couldn't bring myself to disappoint my partner.

After our 8 set challenge, he still pushed me further by doing drills with me. My task was to receive all his jump smashes. Para na akong statue sa court kasi di na ako makagalaw. But I still tried anyway. Was able to return most of his smashes except the ones that required me to move far.hehehe.

Finally we retired at 12:00 midnight. Tita connie was kidding us na sasaraduhan na kami ng ilaw sa court. Willy also joked that we were masochists for doing all those drills. I dropped luis home at 1230 am and on my drive back home, I was too sleepy for words. When I got home I fell asleep exhausted on our bean bag in the sala. I didn't even make it to the bedroom. Woke up at 5:40 am na!

I was bone tired but felt like I was on top of the world. I made myself proud last night. And with two more weeks of play left, I know every moment is worth cherishing. I will truly miss our kulitans and drills on court (sige na kahit ang mga makabagbag damdamin mong pasabog! hahaha!). Kung pwede lang sana ang malaysia i-commute araw araw, para pwede pa din ako maglaro.

wish ko lang.

Changes

Life has somehow changed a lot the past few weeks. Sometimes when I look back over what happened I couldn't help but wonder, what could have been done along the way? Could things have been more different? But then I realized that that's life. It's a constant myriad of changes that no one can absolutely predict. One moment you're friends, and the next moment it's gone.

I used to hate changes but recently I've learned to embrace and just enjoy the ride while it lasts. And though at times I find myself wishing for what if's and could have's I realized that there's no use crying over what is gone. Sure it hurts but life is tough. We need to learn to move on.

I've come to know the meaning of friendship the past few weeks. And I've come to know that sometimes we all change. Promises are broken and feelings are changed. But if you know how to forgive and let go, you learn that with every goodbye, you learn-- you learn that there's no use holding on to grudges when life is too precious to waste. And most of all you learn that in the end, those who stick are those who chose to stay.

Some are fated to leave but if you are lucky enough, someone chooses to stay.

Midnight at Eastwood

I'm used to doing people favors. I'm used to being the one who takes care of people. I've mastered the art of being a martyr nga daw eh. But last night I was taken cared of in one of those rare moments in life when I didn't need to be the strong one.

Luis,Byo and I spent the night hanging out at Eastwood. We picked up Byo from Parang and headed to Eastwood city where we stayed till 1230am. It was an impromptu thing that just came out of the blue. Buti byo was able to sneak away from work to chat with us.

I had fun hanging out with them. It was a different way to spend a tuesday night but surprisingly, it turned out to be one of the best nights of the week. Last night I realized that life is indeed different now. But surprisingly, despite the sadness that lingers, it's actually much better.

It took the wisdom of someone younger to make me realize that maturity doesnt come with age. And that years doesn't mean anything. What matters are the choices we make during moments of great awakenings. And that sometimes the very person you thought would be the one to be there, will be the first one to say goodbye.

Last night my friend finally showed me what he meant when he called me his best friend. When I first heard it I was touched. But when he actually showed me what he meant, I was left speechless. And I actually cried. I never thought I was worthy pala of such blessing. And for that I shall always be grateful (i can just imagine his reply to this--duh!drama!)

Byo sent me this message earlier today, a quote from dawson's creek-- "It's weird as it happens, isn't it? You still love the person, but you just stop needing them like you used to"

How aptly said.

I paint my own rainbows now. And last night someone added brighter colors to my masterpiece.

Midnight Snack at Jollibee..

I once heard a story that the reason why Jollibee was named as such because its supposed to be a place where people work hard but are happy. In a seminar I gave in Ilocos a couple of years back an old lola cried how her biggest dream is to be able to bring her apo to eat chickenjoy at jollibee.

Somehow Jollibee seems to bring comfort to everyone-- be it children or adults. Last night I got to experience that comfort for myself.

After playing badminton, Luis and I brought Byo to work at eastwood. The three of us chatted the entire ride from Byo's place to Eastwood where she's in the night shift. Afterwards Luis and I decided to stop by Jollibee in Libis to eat. We were both craving for chickenjoy and jolly hotdog. I ordered chickenjoy, fries and peach mango pie while Lolo Luis had chickenjoy, jolly hotdog taco style, and choco mallow pie. YUMMY!!

Pigging out on our comfort foods, we laughed about the adventures we had the past weeks and shared our thoughts on the issues that seem to hound our lives (sige na nga mine na lang!hehe). There's something comforting in a pack of peach mango pie and choco mallow pie that makes everything seem okay. Luis teased me about being his human target for the night (pakainin ba ko ng shuttle!!hehehe) for he hit me in the body 5 times!But he also congratulated me for lasting in our singles match (hey! improving ang score ko! naka 5 na ko!) kahit na halos mamataymatay ako.

We ate till we could eat no more. I got home at 2am full and sleepy. We were thinking of visiting Lou and Pau pa but because it was already quite late, we decided to just skip it.

I told Luis how thankful I was to have our friendship these days. He's been there for me so much lately. Even his gf Beaulah whom I've known only for a while but whom I found to be easy to talk to and admiringly cool about the recent issues has been really nice. And I'm grateful for that.

Luis and I started out as badminton buddies and then carpool partners and now we are the best of friends. And despite the issues lately, I think the reason why we both remain good friends is because we both know how each means to the other and we remain honest to the friendship.

Some things are indeed worth smiling for. Kahit na napupuno ako ng pasa kaka body shot ni lolo, masaya pa din ako. He inspires me to thread on no matter what and to push myself beyond my limits.

If there's one thing I'm gonna miss when I leave for Malaysia, it's these chikka nights in jollibee and burger machine. Sana pwede ang delivery sa Malaysia. hehehe.

I guess it's really true that sometimes we have to learn to say goodbye and let go to make way for the new. Goodbye may be sad but with every goodbye we learn-- we learn to say hello to the chance to start anew. I had to say goodbye to an old life recently but I also got to say hello to a new one. I'm not used to it yet but I take comfort in the thought that no matter what happens I will find a way to be happy.

And though it pains me to know that some things will never be the same, I find comfort in the thought that Jollibee moments will always be there. At may makulit akong partner na handang saluhan ako sa chickenjoy. =)

POEA Nightmares

Been trying to get my employment pass to malaysia for the past two weeks but the nightmare called poea has been the bane of my adventures. A friend of mine once remarked that I havent seen beaurocratic red tape until I've gone through POEA. I thought LTO was the worse. Wala pala sa kalingkingan. Rude guards, changing rules (that keeps on changing on the whim of anyone), staff who do not bother to give you information that is right and a hotline that only accepts your calls at night. Twice I've been to POEA and twice I've come home empty handed. The first time I arrived at 7:45 only to find out that the office process only 30 papers for direct hirees in a day (last time i went they called 40 people). So two days later I decided to come in at 6am. I got in the office and waited for the registration list to come out. I told myself na if someone gets ahead of me pa ewan ko na lang. But it appears that the "Ewan ko na lang" took place for at 7:55 am I suddenly found out that they changed the venue of the line. I ran to the new venue and found myself fighting for the last two slots. Haay. Two hours later by some miracle I was called (i thought I was going to be called in the afternoon) only to find out another "line" was waiting upstairs. When I finally got to talk to the lady in window 6 (the start of the registration) I was told that I wasnt supposed to be there because my papers were not yet complete. As much as I wanted to scream my heart out and say "TSEHHHHH" I decided to just let it be. It was useless to argue with these people.

I do respect the process and I admire the tenacity of these workers to work in such a stressful environment. But at least sana show the people some respect. The domestic helpers were continuesly maligned and mistreated in line. Some guards would even shout at them. One time an argument ensued betweeen one applicant and the security supervisor. The security guy screamed at her and said "Magreklamo ka sa taas!!!" How rude! I don't think people who bring in millions of dollars in remitances every year, the people who virtually saved our country from total bankcruptcy should be treated that way.

How sad it is that in our own country we couldn't even treat our OFWs with enough dignity. How sad it is that the very agency that's supposed to take care of these heroes is the one who treats them like shit. Pano pa kaya sa ibang bansa? How do we tell other countries to treat our workers with respect when our very own couldn't even treat them with kindness?

My friend once remarked that the POEA just takes your money. Sad to say, I have to agree. Ang masakit dun, they take your money na, they treat you like shit pa.

I pity our country.

Thoughts on a Friday

On our way home from midnight dinner at something fishy, I accidentally lost my carpark pass inside my car.Technically it was not lost--it went in a tiny slit on the dashboard and disappeared inside the insides of my car. ouch!blooper. The guards had a hard time fathoming what happened and though it was a hassle they were really kind enough to just laugh at it. Of course I had to pay the lost parking fee but at least Luis and I got out of there after 10 minutes. That was almost 3am! Pao and Lou were already outside waiting for us. Usually I'd get so bad tripped when bloopers happen but last night, I just found myself laughing. I guess the lack of sleep and my aching back proved to be more tedious than losing a carpark pass. Blooper magnet talaga ata ako!

Eating at something fishy has somehow become a new tradition for me. For four times now we've been going there to eat after playing badminton at Greenpark. And last night Luis asked if we could eat again there. We had some really hard games and gutom na gutom na kami after. So despite my aching puson and tired body, we trekked to something fishy along with lou and pao. There we met up with Byo who went out on an extended lunch break.

Ella and I would often kid each other that I'm the perpetual fifth wheel since I'm the odd one out to Lou and Pao and Luis and Byo. But okay lang. They don't make me feel uncomfy naman. We're even planning a lunch out at Le Ching soon. Hmm... makahanap nga ng date!

I've laughed a lot and I've cried a whole lot over the past few days.. Call me crazy but I think it captures what life is all about.. Sometimes, there are tears, sometimes there are laughters.. And there are days when things just go with the flow.
****

chikara my tiny kitten is dying. she got run over by a car early this morning. =(

Settling Scores

Why did things end up the way they are? I don't really know. Things were never really settled and I have no idea how to answer the question of where do we go now. I may appear nonchallant but it doesnt mean I don't hurt. It hurts like hell but I am trying to go on as best as I can. Life has to go on because no matter what I do or don't do, life will continue to go on.

Things are pretty hectic now with my departure. I try not to think of goodbyes. I used to want a big despedida party but now I don't feel like having one. I think I'd rather just fade in the sunset. No goodbyes. I don't want to get emotional I guess. Too much stress and I'm scared that if I get too emotional, my platelets will end up crashing. Last night the accident in the kitchen scared me back to reality. The bleeding would not stop and it finally jolted me back to the truth that my platelets are not normal again.

Two things I learned last night-- dignity and decorum. To maintain dignity is a gift you give yourself--I made a promise once and I found myself at a crossroad of whether to defend myself or keep the promise. I chose the latter. The only way I could defend myself was if I break the promise and I couldn't do that. As long as I breathe, I will not stop keeping that promise.(and i still believe you kept yours)

And always maintain graciousness. No matter what happens, decorum is important.

I am not perfect and I do apologize if I hurt anyone. I apologize if I could not be the better friend I was hoped to be. I apologize to the people who got entangled and I apologize to the ones that hurt the most.

But I will stand by my truth. Perhaps in the end that's all I've got. If I am believed then thank you. But if not, I understand.

The Start of A New Chapter

I'm leaving soon. Sooner than I can imagine. Today it finally hit me that in a month's time I will be gone. My pass came through today. Sabi nga ni ella "totoo na talaga ito".

I have a month to say goodbye. Not too many people know about my departure yet. I'm sure many will be shocked. I've tried to keep the news as private as I can for the past few weeks. I guess I figured if I don't talk about it much, it would'nt sound so real yet. But now that reality has finally caught up with me, I have to finally face the truth that by christmas, I will be leaving an old life and saying hello to a totally new one.

How do you do say goodbye to everyone you've met and grew up with? How do you say goodbye to 29 years of bittersweet memories? I have absolutely no idea.

Ton asked me last saturday if I had any ill feelings towards anyone. I laughed and told her I don't. Seriously I would rather dwell on the good memories now. I only have a few weeks left. I don't want to ruin it with what Cha termed as "noise."

My HS barkada is planning a despedida for me and aries next week. We used to be ten all in all. When Aries and I leave in November the barkada will be cut down to 5. Beth is already in the US, Flo is in Singapore while Maybelle has long been MIA. P10 is truly spreading its wings.

I'm playing in my last badminton tournament this saturday. I'll be playing ladies doubles with Kei. After saturday, I don't know when I will get to play again competitively. I wish I could have one more tourney with Luis at mixed doubles (my most succesful partnership to date) but I don't think we'll have the opportunity to do so.

Change they say is for the better. I truly hope so.

Where you belong

An early morning conversation with cha via text got me thinking about where we both belong these days. I guess you could say we both have something in common. We're neither here nor completely there yet. Cha, for her part at least will finally get to "get there" on monday when she leaves for California. And though I will miss her terribly, I really am happy for my kumare/cubicle/bitching partner. We started out as classmates and accidentaly cubiclemates. Turned out we worshipped the same demigod in "Aragorn" and thus our mini altar inside our tiny cubicle/smokey mountain gilid was sealed for life. When cha moved out last June, our cubicle was never the same again. Now, my kumare is leaving for good. And I already miss her.

Belonging somewhere is every person's dream. I told cha how I kind of feel that I am in limbo these days--neither completely here nor completely there. Maybe this is part of the process of change I guess. Change can be really stressful. But change will always be for the better. I hope.

Sometimes I feel lost and I can't help but think of what I am getting myself into. And I wonder if I am making the right choice. I hope so.

I just thank God that I still have some sane friends who keep me from going totally nuts.

Birthday Marathon

I celebrated 7 birthdays over the past five days. That does not include all the other friends who also celebrated their birthdays last week. I think I have what you call a birthday hangover. Too much eating and laughing that my sides actually hurts now when I laugh.

The first birthday celebrated was that of Marlou and Ves last thursday. The tropa gave a semi surprise party to Luis, Marlou and Peter while Ves and I endured a night long drama to culminate hers. =) The party was fun but the drama was not.

Friday was Pabu's birthday (also eugene's). The entire ateneo department of psychology celebrated pabu's 84th birthday. There was a mass and a big party afterwards. I made a video documenting the wonderful life of pabu whom Im honored to be named after.

Saturday the gang celebrated Peter's birthday again after Baby's birthday tournament at playersbest. I lost the finals slot due to the weirdest scoring system ever (no semis, just scores) in a tournament marked by what was supposed to be "standard badminton rules!" Funny yon! imagine a race to 21 set na may deuce at setting. Or a rule book that was easily changed as one changed one's shirt. Nonetheless I had fun. I just took everything in stride. We finished third place.I got to do what I practiced over and over again for the past three weeks-- return a jumpsmash as a drop without cringing or making an error. hehehe.

Then sunday, I cooked for my sister's party. I was up at 6am to cook for her battalion of guests who started arriving at noon. I made pasta, chicken and pork adobo, salsa, ampalaya salad, and ordered pancit, lechon, shanghai, etc. It was my sister's first party in years. My own barkada came at 8pm. And we got drunk till almost 2am. Just in time to celebrate Luis' official birthday.

Today, I just came from the gym and Luis' house where the two of us pigged out on Ate Grace's creation of Kare kare and Lechong Kawali. Buti na lang nag work out kami before. Sulit ang crunches at lunges. =)

The birthday marathon isn't over yet. Birthdays pa nina Idol and Weevens. What I just love about birthdays is that you get to see the people whom you havent seen in years. And you get to be with the people who matter to you. And most of all you get to be friends again with those who decided to disappear forever even for just one night. =)

Happy Birthday Ves

Happy Birthday Ves! Sorry for ruining your day. Maganda ba masyado ang timing ko? Well as you said, mapagbiro ang buhay. At least walang muntik magpatayan sa birthday mo if its any consolation =)

Sometimes we make choices in life that appear to be irrational to some but they do make sense. I've been questionned a lot about my own choices and been told that I am wasting my life to my quest. I feel saddened by that. Most of my life I've always led a straight path--nothing fancy.All I did was follow and go to school and be the best student I could be.I had fun every now and then but it was still academic in nature. I lived a good life and it was fun in a way but it wasn't a happy life.

Now I am living a life of my choosing-- a life that may appear superficial to some but it's a life that I am free to just be me. How teenybopper for a 29 year old you may say. But let me tell you this-- I never really lived my teen years. Not when you're sick most of the time and you were forced to grow up by life. And now that I finally have the chance to just be the me I want, I'm sorry if I can't be the perfect little girl anymore.

Sometimes I get teased for being an addictus in badminton. But never once have I been asked what made me such a fan of the game. All people see of me at times is that i am a doctor. But never have I been really asked if that's all I want to be. And now I will finally answer that big question-- I love the game because in that seemingly stupid game, I am me. While in the game I am who I want to be. I don't have to prove to anyone who I am while playing because all I have to prove to is myself.

The saddest thing about leaving is that you have to say goodbye to the ones you love. When that day comes I know I will cry a lot. But I also know that if I were to have any chance in life at all, then goodbye is the only option I've got.

Getting between now and the final goodbye will probably be another Looooonggg journey.

Victory at Rush

(I am reposting this blog because of some errors I apparently committed in the posting. I do apologize for the mistakes. Blame it on Human frailties, no malice intended =))

Another tournament passed by and fortunately we won again. It was not the much coveted championship but finishing 1st runner up against a formidable pair was an achievement I will always remember.And most of all competing in the finals against your friends is a total dream come true.

Last week Mark, Macre, Luis, and I joked that we'd see each other in the finals of the Rush Interclub Tournament at Greenpark. We prayed that we won't end up being grouped together and fortunately we didnt. Luis and I were in Group A, Mark and Macre were in Group B while Kei and Rb were in Group C. After a shaky start, Luis and I won our first game in a three set game. Buti na lang. I was so conscious about my play that I started to foul up on court. Thank God pasensyoso si partner who kept pushing me to just play like it was an ordinary game. He was patient with me until I was able to finally relax on court. We won the rest of our elimination matches with relative ease. My high school seatmate, Grace came by too. We had a reunion after 3 years of not seeing each other on court.

In the semis we faced Greenpark's own Kuya Morris and Ate Connie. There were lots of catcalls on courts ranging from casual jokes to cheers and jeers. Naranasan namin na maglaro na ang cheerers ay para lahat sa kalaban But it remained a fun game. We won the first set easily and rallied in the end to win the second set in an exciting fashion 21-19. I ended up falling on the floor twice (This was what I meant when I said I dived on court not once but twice with the matching tumbling. buti na lang taraflex)The final shot was Luis' shining moment. I dived on the forehand side and found my way out of the court. With Luis left as the only man standing, our court was open to all attacks from the opponents. Fortunately our opponent fumbled the return shot giving Luis the chance to smash it midcourt to secure our trip to the finals.

Thus it became an all-playersbest finals between Mark and Macre and Luis and me. Our joke turned into reality. Before the games the three of them talked about splitting the medals and prizes regardless of who would win. And they all agreed. I was in the cr then trying to calm my nerves. So when I got out and found out about the deal it was all sealed and done with. I guess they wanted to keep the drama of money and medals out of the game and just play for the love of it and the honor of winning.

(this was where i made the errors.. fatigue makes your recall poorer so i guess that's my fault..no harm intended =))The finals was still thrilling nonetheless. We battled each other in a 3 set drama. Mark and Macre had the power while Luis and I had the endurance. In the end we lost the third set 15-21 due to a short service error by luis. How anticlimactic. hehehe. That was perhaps the best finals match I ever played-- there was no negative attitudes and jeers. It was like playing because you simply wanted to play. (I stand by these words--it was still the best finals for me. it was playing for the love of the game. I do want to apologize to my kumare if i offended her in any way)

Sabi nga ni Luis, manalo matalo kaming 4 we are still friends. And that's how the game ended--in laughter and smiles among friends. During the awarding ceremonies ang kukulit namin sa pictures. Pagkasyahin ba naman ang mga sarili sa isang medalya? Since we split the medals, Luis and I got one while Mark and Macre got another. Mark joked na bahala na kami maghati ni Luis. In my mind there was a simple answer to that--Luis gets to take home that medal. He deserved that. He brought me to the finals. He was the true hero of our partnership. Saka aalis na din naman ako eh. Partner worked hard to get us to the championship and he deserved to be always reminded of that achievement. Masaya na ako sa thought that I knew I endured in the game.I don't need medal for it.=)

I will never forget how during our last elimination match I fell down in the backcourt after running after the shuttlecock and was able to stand up right in time to return the smash of our opponent. That was one hell of a rally. It stressed the point of what the game is all about-- fighting till the end. Win or lose, its how you play the game.

We went to Len and George's for the traditional celebration. Inubos din namin ang cash prize sa beer at pizza. Luis' inspiration arrived after 3 hours (yihee!) and the party lasted till almost 1:30 am. Luis and I fell asleep na out of fatigue. Playing 5 games (plus one more fun game) was no joke. Until now my body remains numb. Add that to the fact that we even did drills after the games and that for the past two weeks the two of us have been jogging all over UP campus and lifting weights in the gym. All for the love of the game.

Rb wrote in my friendster testimonial that I would give up so much for badminton. I have to say, I agree.hehehe.

It's not an addiction. It's about finding one's bliss. And in the games I found a place where I belong.

3 championships and 1 runner up finish in my last 5 tournaments since July. Not bad for someone who until 2 years ago was always exempted from PE and never excelled in any sport.

Sept 11, 2005

Last year, Sept 11, 2005, I wrote these on my blog entry:

I am loved. And that makes me the happiest girl in the
world.

Today I realized how blessed I am to have friends who will always
be there for me.I am blessed with people who care for me that they would be
willing to fight my battles for me. That's worth more than any medal or trophy
in the world.

I was especially
touched by what my partner Peter told me at dinner and how he journeyed with me
in my struggle to keep smiling despite the pain. Peter made sure that I'd laugh
a lot tonight.Even if he wasn't feeling well either, pwedeng pwede na siyang
maging boyoyong clown. (Sige na nga master of meditation, magaaral na ako ng
hand movements ng great ohmmm.) Our practice together with Luiz was one of the
most fun games I've ever had. Pwedeng pang famas awards.

I don't know
what else to say but Thank you.

On Sept 11, 2005 we played the last edition of the Pamilya Badminton Mixed Doubles Tournaments. I partnered with Peter for the controversial tourney but we made it one of the best nonetheless. We played our last tournament at our home, Shuttlesbest.

Those were the days. Those were the days I still called Partner my second bestfriend. I still consider him as my second best friend but right now were not in goodenough terms to be called such. In a year's time I found a kindred spirit and lost a friend. All in 365 and 1/4 days. Life can really be fast.

I used to cry a lot whenever I think of what happened to us. But now I don't. Luis and I talked about it the other night how the feeling never really dies but you just learn to live and move on. I guess I learned to live and move on. I am still saddened by what happened but I know that I shall always have those wonderful memories with me.

On Sept 11, 2005 I realized how much I was loved. It did not materialize in the package I wanted it to come in but sitting on the blue bench infront of a rusty trashcan inside the sb parking lot while resting my head on the shoulder of my bestfriend was bliss. For several minutes the world stopped revolving and I didn't have to think of my fears, issues, and the kupals who made it all happen.

I will never forget that. I will never forget that once upon a time we used to be the greatest friends.

Thus when I find myself sad or even angry at times, I think of that day and remember how once upon a time when I needed a friend, he was there. He fought my battles for me and defended me in front of my enemies. He didn't try to save me but he did journey with me.

And that helps me forgive. And that makes me smile.

At least I still have badminton.

Go Badminton

I never realized how much of a mental game badminton really is. We often think of it as a physical game with all the running and smashing that goes on while on court. But when one looks closer, one would realize that in the end games are not won by brawn and power but by thinking and strategy.

Luis and I won the level d mixed doubles event over the weekend at teh Go! Badminton Tournament at Powersmash. It was our first major mixed doubles championship together. We won at the Playersbest-Shuttledome dual meet a month ago but this was the first time we won a big championship. We joked that we finally broke the curse of powersmash on our badminton tropa.

We won our elimination matches easily. The first game we went up against two ateneans who gave a good fight but were simply overwhelmed by our partnership. The second game was a massacre. The players were obviously too highly levelled for d. But since it was a game we really had to play it well and with no mercy. The third match, our opponent was at first a bit cocky. But as the match went on, the girl became a bit more bitchy. All three had one thing in their mind-- bodegan si hazel hehehe. Fortunately I managed to hold my fort in front. Luis took care of the back without any problem.

We didnt get a bye in the quarters (there were three bye slots and we got one of the two quarter slots!) unfortunately so we had an early morning game yesterday. It was past 11 am but after sleeping at 2:30 am because of training and a surprise visit to medical city to see Luis' inspiration, 5 hours of sleep was barely enough to reenergize us completely. We went up against Luis' teachers in UP in the quarters. We didnt want to waste much energy so we came out real strong scoring 17-0 before allowing arvin and molly to score. The game took a slower pace and we found our opponents catching up on us till we ended the match 21-7. Our advantage was we warmed up before the game and we really took time to think of our shots.

Barely 10 minutes after the end of the quarterfinals our names were called again for the semifinals match against Valen and Des (also from UP). Despite our fatigue we slowly went back to court 6 to play our game. I started to tire more in that game. There were times when I could barely catch the ball and made some crucial errors. But we managed to win 21-5. We built an early lead thus the game was dictated more by our play. I saw our girl opponent became pissed during the game. When I asked for the shuttlecock to be changed she refused. I guess when fatigue and frustration sets in, we can be bitchy at times. Oh well.

There was an amazing rally during the match. I lunged for a drop shot on my forehand side when I lost my balance and went straight out of the court onto the next court. Luis was shocked but he immediately stood ground in the middle to cover the court until I managed to get back and smash the emerging shuttle on my side. It was so funny coz we really thought we'd lose the play. But quick thinking and reflexes paved the way for us to both get back on our feet.

After the semis we cooled down inside the car. I was told that the finals would be at 1:40pm but to our great surprise again, we were called on court at 1pm!!!. Armed with bananas and water, we took on the hardest game of the day. The finals match was changed to a regular 3 set format from the 1-21 no setting format of the elims, quarters and semis. We easily won the 1st set 15-2. In the second set, fatigue finally set in and we suddenly found ourselves losing our first game 11-15. Luis was getting more and more frustrated with both our plays(I thought he was angry at me for not being able to catch the easy shots but in truth pala he was trying to psych me up. Yun nga lang baliktad ang effect sa kin). We were simply committing so many unforced errors. In the third set we built a good lead of 11-2 only to see it slowly crumble away till the opponents came close at 12-11. That was when I told luis, "partner wag mo na ko pagalitan!" Luis finally told me he wasn't angry at me but he was just trying to psych me up. I told him later on how I was so frustrated with myself already that seeing him frustrated makes me angry at myself more. I wasn't angry at him I was angry at myself. I knew I could easily kill those high drops but I simply couldn't focus on the ball. I was simply to tired physically, emotionally, and mentally.

The psy-war wasn't only happening on our side of the court. Our opponents were worse. Nagmumurahan na sila sa court. One time the guy even deliberately foiled a shot that ended up being smashed by me directly on his partner's head. He laughed afterwards. Binenta ba ang sariling partner!

At 13-11, I asked Luis to step up for me. I finally admitted to him that I could not carry it anymore. At 14-11, I fumbled at service. During the second serve Luis successfully drove the shuttlecock on the backhand side. It was in and we finally WON!Luis threw his racket on the air. It took several seconds for it to hit me--that it was finally over. I threw my racket and collapsed on court. I just sat there, crying until luis dragged me up to shake hands with our opponents and our umpire. We sat on the sidelines for a while trying to get some air. I cried again until luis dragged me up again and hugged me partner champion tayo!

Pawis at dugo ang kapalit ng isang trophy at cash prize

We realized that we actually played the most number of matches among all our opponents at level d. We played 6 matches in all. Our finals opponent played only 5 matches. We analyzed our match and realized that we nearly lost because we could not think clearly anymore. We were powerful but without intelligence and strategy we just lost it. Fortunately for us, we had a good lead. Nag pay off din ang aming investment.

We celebrated the win with our friends and pizza and beer. I don't think I'll ever forget this tourney. I guess for the reason that it finally vindicated me from all the bad memories of before. And also I played injured since sat. My arm was strained by the weights we lifted last thursday and my dysmmenorhea was making things worse. I took painkillers before the game against doctors advice because my arm was really killing me. I risked my platelets for that championship. And I'm just damned glad it paid off.

We could have lost the finals but I'm glad we won. I feel happy and proud but most of all I feel absolutely blessed to be able to play a great tournament and prove to myself that I can do it.

Yes perseverance can be a virtue!

Davao Adventures

The last time I went home to Davao was way back in 1998. When I was younger, we used to spend christmas and summer vacations there with my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and our cousins. But as I grew up the trips home became less and less.

Thanks to Cebu Pacific's 10 peso promo fares last march, I got to go home last week for the first time in eight years. I went with my best friend Ella and her officemates and we had the most wonderful time of our lives. Our host, Papa Roger (a.k.a Samal's very own Mayor) graciously gave us the best tour of samal island ever. We went to four resorts in one day ( Paradise Island, Fernandez Resort, Duldulao's Private Resort, Pearl Farm) and created our own roads along the mountains thanks to Kuya Bogs, our super driver. Finally got to go inside the Pearl Farm and swim in the clear blue waters of Kaputian town, Samal.

Of course what trip would it be without bloopers. Papunta pa lang nagiipon na kami starting with Adrian's navigation skills in Marikina and Nicole's vase incident at the airport. In samal, who could forget Maam Liza's batcave gifts (di kinaya!), Maam Marivic's goggles, the waves that caused Beks to do a 360 tumbling and my very own blooper at the Antalan's private resort. Nearly drowned when the big waves came. "Buti na lang may superhero na sumagip sa kin. hahaha. At least sulit lahat ng kinain namin diba? We pigged out on seafoods and lechon. I don't think I've ever eaten as much bangus in my life than last weekend. We ate like every 2 hours. We're all fat now but who cares, it was the best meals ever!

Aside from the great food, Davao will also be remembered for its wonderful beaches. The white sand and clear blue waters remind me of how life's most beautiful treasures are those not found inside our malls or cities but rather those found in mother nature. It was my first time to go to the beach for the year and all I can say is that the wait was worth it.

After two days in Samal island, we left for the city proper. There we continued our eating and pasyal frenzy starting with Jack's ridge in Matina. We ate Bulalo, pancit, calamares, and fried chicken to celebrate Maam Marivic's birthday. We even had a live band serenade us while eating. After dinner we went home to Papa's house in tierra nova where we all fell asleep dead tired. Sina ella, naglasing muna sa ice cream.hehehe

The next day we went on a city tour starting off with the Philippine Eagles. We visited Pag-asa and learned of Kabayan's sad fate in the rainforests. We took never ending pictures and shopped for our pasalubongs. After lunch the group finally went on their separate ways. Anne and Moses checked in at the Waterfront Hotel, the others went on to Aldevinco and Crocodile farm, and I went home to my grandparents' house in Belisario to spend time with my relatives. I went out with my cousins Tryke and Mikko who gave me the nightlife tour of Davao City. Even if I felt kinda old mingling with such a young crowd I still had a great time.

Sunday, Ella and the rest of the gang departed for manila while I stayed on for another day to spend with my lolo and lola. Mama Fe and I went to church ( I Drove!!) then went out to shop at my uncle's store, Lots For Less. Later that afternoon my tito mannie and tita malou took me out to shop for pasalubong at SM City Davao before heading home to pack.

Five days of non stop eating and pasyal. Five days after eight years of absence. I hope it won't take another eight years for me to go back though. Davao will always be my second home.

Ngayon back to reality na.. Can't wait to play tonight. hehehehe.=P

Wishing you Enough...

This morning I was looking at an old photograph framed in front of my bedroom window. It was a picture of me and my bestfriend Peter taken last Christmas. I could not help but laugh and smile again. That was one memorable night-- the whole barkada celebrated christmas December 17th and we all had a hillarious time opening gifts (from wonder woman, to her invisible jet, to red horse, and mentos!). That was just last December. Today, those events are just but memories. Memories that will tide me over the final goodbye. It's sad in a way, knowing that we can never have those moments again. Not at this time when I am not sure if we can even call ourselves friends. What happened? I don't really know. I'm done trying to figure out the why's and what ifs. I am too tired and beaten to even fight. All I know is that once upon a time I had a best friend. We knew each other for 12 years-- from freshmen year in college till now. But now, I am not sure anymore.

I used to cry when I would look at the picture. But today, I finally found a smile. That's when I knew I finally got it-- what the poem I wish you enough hellos to last you the final goodbye meant. My bestfriend and I may have nothing but sad interactions now, but at least I still have those wonderful memories-- our day long tambays and chikkas, our wellcom adventure, bonfire grill, riverbanks foodcourt, shopping for a computer, the giraffe with two legs, our kulitans on and off court, his rescue missions to my never ending bloopers, running in the rain together, my own rescue moments to his own bloopers, our pamilya badminton moments and countless more memories I shall treasure for life to get me through the sadness.

I have no regrets as long as I have those memories. I have enough hellos to get me through the sad goodbyes. We had our good times. And maybe these are the bad times. But I will always have those memories.

They say that saying goodbye to someone you love is hard. Saying goodbye to you best friend is harder. Especially to the one who made you the happiest and saddest person at the say time. Yung bestfriend kong yan, siya ang pinaka makulit na partner sa balat ng lupa. hahaha. Siya lang din ang taong nakakita na underneath all this nerdy exterior and superwoman image, is a normal ordinary person who also needs rescuing every now and then. I wish my friend is happy today. I wish him nothing less. Despite everything, I wish him the best.

When you say goodbye to a friend, life will never be the same again. So I refuse to say goodbye, only auf wiedersehen.

Till we meet again.
***
I am still keeping my promise.. friends forever.

Celebrating Gifts of Friendships

The barkada celebrated the birthdays of Mark and Karen last night at our third home (a.k.a-- playersbest court 3). Everyone chipped in for our usual party fare of pancit miki bihon, chips, cake, softdrinks, and of course san miguel light beer! It was fun and heartwarming at the same time. Mark was a comedian on and off court but our star of the night was the return of the missing Karen who has been MIA since being kidnapped by dr. love. hahaha.

Everyone who mattered was there. Some were missing but not completely missed. Even doc witart came. I didn't drink any alcoholic beverage but I guess the energy levels of everyone was intoxicating enough that we all acted a little crazy the entire night. We played our favorite game of badminton while making each one a live target for our happy birthday shots. Mark scored the winning point by smashing the shuttlecock at len's back (by accident). You could hear the loud whapack as the shuttle bounced from lola len's back. hehehe. Our manang coach of course took revenge by scoring back to back "piso's" with mark, rb, luis, and me. No, we don't hate each other.. We just love to tease each other endlessless. Plus, it trains us to become alert like ninjas on court.

Allan was the suki ng bayan. Everyone wanted to play with him. Sulit na sulit ang 89 pesos niya. May nag disappearing act din (kupal number ???) at may slightly paimportante (kelangan pa bang itext?). Luis and Macre were the last ones standing as usual. 12:30am na ayaw pa sumuko! Lolo RB was of course the service error king, giving away "too many to mention" errors in our two week old contest. I think as of last night our score card runs at 40++ to 11.

It was a blast spending time with these friends of mine. We never got tired of laughing together and teasing each other to death. Karen's moment of love was the theme of the night and having our favorite tita karen back was great.

Mark's birthday was truly one celebration to remember. And though I know such get togethers will soon end for me, I take joy in the memories that I will take with me in my future adventures.

My kumareng karen is right, I may have lost something so precious, but I also gained a lot. And having such great friends to be with makes every tear worthwhile.

Happy birthday lolo mark! Happy birthday lola karen!

All Jesuit Badminton

I seem to have a knack for threes. My third try at powerade led me to my first major badminton championship. My third tourney for this year gave me my first championship for 2006 (Smart Attack) And then again last saturday, my third try at the all jesuit badminton tourney brought the sweetest victory of my life.

Macre and I won in the ladies doubles level D category. I consider it the sweetest coz it was a big boost to our confidence. Weeks of training with tito boy finally paid off. After losing at Kimoni and accel, it was a confidence booster for the two of us. But most of all it also marked my first victory in any of the ateneo sponsored badminton tournaments.

I've never won in any of our previous tourneys-- not one game. So when Macre and I won the first match via a thrilling 3 setter win over our worthy opponents, it was all so surreal. When we swept the eliminations, I was amazed beyond words. The tournament was held at club 650 and we used the new IBF scoring system. Oh boy! Nakakapagod pala ang 1-21 na rally point. And every shot counts pa! By some miraculous blessing from heaven, I committed only 3 service errors in the entire tournament, a world record by my standards (I've always been teased as the worst server next to mark and rb in our tropa!).

After the eliminations, Macre and I took a long deserved lunch of steak and bbq at hotrocks. Then we went to our favorite tambayan (a.k.a. provident) to rest before the finals. We spoke to some of the other players who told us that our finals opponents were strong and basically implied that we had no chance. So we both agreed to just let fate take its course and play for fun. Bahala na si Batman. After all I never expected to go beyond the eliminations. So everything that we have accomplished were already blessings for me. But sabi nga ni Len, "nandyan na kayo, go for glory na!"

So when we actually won the finals match after struggling in the first set, it took several seconds before it really sank in. Macre and I were screaming with joy.

We struggled in the first set and had to fight back an 11-6 deficit. We managed to tie the score to 15 all before losing the lead again 19-16. By some miracle, we managed to gather our inner strengths to tie the score back to 19 all before sneaking a first set win of 21-19. In a normal game (the old system) that would be easy. But in the new rally point system, you have to play a near perfect game to overcome such odds. I remember luis speaking to us during the technical time out at 11 points. He was so open to the thought that we'd lose so he just told us to have fun and exhaust the backhand of our leftie opponent. I think it was in that moment I told myself that I was just gonna play for the love of the game and not worry about the score anymore.

I guess the relaxed stance paid off for us coz in the second set, we built a big lead (13-5) that we made it nearly impossible for our opponents to catch up. Add that to several lucky shots that we seem to be blessed with. Luis laughed so hard when I hit an overhead backhand shot (na bumakal pa!) that dropped in the middle of our opponents court. In my shock I actually blurted, "Pucha! Pumasok?!" We had so many lucky shots that it made the entire game much more fun.

Macre and I moved well together and trusted each other's instincts. We kept ourselves alert as to where each would be in court so as not to leave any area unguarded. So when she screamed "out!" at matchpoint, I never hesitated to follow. Badminton is not just a game of physical strength and intelligence. It is also a game of trust. True enough the ball was clearly out and we were declared champions.

There was no big cheering squad rooting for us nor were there cameras or tv crews to record our victory. There was only us-- Macre and I and our one man cheering squad and coach Luis who didn't play that night to watch us. And for us three at court 15, it was the moment of a lifetime. We hugged and jumped for joy. Our opponent had nothing else left to do but congratulate us for a job well done. They had a cheering brigade with them but I guess we just wanted the victory more. We won glass medals, 2000 cash and 3000 gift certificates. But most of all, we won back our pride.

When you keep on losing sometimes you stop believing you could actually do it. Moreso when you see people doubt your capability to actually win. Macre and I proved to ourselves last saturday that we could be champions.And that we are champions.

I told Macre before the tournament that I would like us to enjoy our games more than winning.As much as I would love to win, I didn't want her to feel pressured to do well. After all people expected her to carry me in the tourney since she was much stronger than me. But I told my kumare that I want her to have fun.And if it were to be my farewell tournament, I'd like it to be something I'll treasure forever. My partner made it possible for me not only to enjoy it but also to emerged champion. I am forever grateful for that.

The all Jesuit marked the end of my "loser" days in the ateneo tournaments. Not that I felt bad about it before. I have always enjoyed our All Jesuit tournaments. The sense of camaraderie and healthy competition is something worth joining for every year. But this year I not only made my team proud but I also made myself proud. The victory also marked the start of a badminton life outside that of my former kakulitan and partner who has chosen to disappear from my life. I could do it pala even without him cheering me on. He didn't even bother to say congratulations. And for the first time last saturday, I actually didn't care.

Life goes on. And as I relish the remaining days of my colorful badminton life, I shall endeavor to make it the best times of my life.

Gratitude

They say you'll never really know who your real friends are till you meet a life changing crisis. There are people who tell you they are your friends, who send you messages of love and care yet in the end they leave you. But there are those who stick by you through thick and thin. They may not be there always but when you really need them, they'd go to war for you.

Today I am thankful for those friends-- friends whom I often take for granted but who always stuck by me. We don't send sweety messages to each other nor do we see each other everyday. But they make you feel that you are loved.

They are the friends who were never afraid to tell me that I am a fool yet at the same time will tell me, "sige mare, supportahan na lang kita."

They are the reasons why I still have faith in this world. And they are the reasons why it's so damn hard to say goodbye.

Big Decisions and Adventures at KL

Big decisions have to be made real soon..sooner than I expected. There are days when I feel okay about it but there are days when I simply want to ignore it all. Yet I know I can't. Sometimes its hard to be brave.

Was in KL last week and had a fun adventure figuring out the streets and sights of Malaysia. I arrived late Wednesday night. I had to find my way out of their massive airport and get to a cab to the city to my hotel. By the time I checked in, I was just too tired to even think. The next day I went to visit Semenyih and met Lizda, Angeli and the rest of the nottingham folks. It was fun. The place was sooo huge. I think Ateneo would fit in the garden alone. hahaha. In the afternoon I rode back to the city with some mba guys who gave me my first real tour of malaysian food. They took me to a local carinderia and made me eat my nth pancit of the day. I liked it except of course by then I was so sick of eating noodles. hahaha. I went out that night with one of the guys I met there and had a blast drinking beer and just walking around the city with him. Didn't even notice my foot was bleeding already. I was in high heels (I know.. I shouldn't have.. but who could resist wearing something soo pretty?!) so my feet got hurt. Friday was spent figuring out more shopping places. I went to Suria in KLCC and took some pictures of the famous Petronas Towers. I could not get up the view deck as they ran out of tickets for the day. Too Bad. I went around Bukit Bentang for the rest of the day searching for souvenirs and going on a shoe shopping spree. Malaysia is heaven for shoe lovers like me.

Still I looked forward to going back to Manila. I was so excited to go back home to my tropa and play my beloved game of badminton. I arrived 5 pm and rushed my way through duty free and dinner to play at 9pm. Tito Boy joked that I was a true addict-- imagine going straight to play/training after a four hour plane ride. I guess I just relished the thought of playing so much.

Im gonna miss those plays. I havent figured out what to do next if I do say yes or no. What I do know is that I have to decide real soon..

I'll Never..

I know I should be used to this by now but somehow I am not. I guess I'll just never live up to her expectations. My work will always never be good enough. And that makes me sad.

A lot of people ask me why I love badminton and I now have the perfect answer.. In badminton,I'll always be good enough. =)

Superheroes

I just saw Superman at the Gateway cinema. It was a good movie although I finally understood what Tojie meant when he said he didn't want to watch it because it was sacreligious to the memory of our childhood Superman, Christopher Reeve. Superman was the first movie I saw in a theater when I was a kid. I was 3 years old then and my dad took me to Greenhills theater to watch it. I remember how we had to stand up and sing the national anthem just before the movie started. I guess watching Superman returns this afternoon by myself made the the memory more bittersweet than ever.

I liked the old versions better even if it lacked the technologically driven special effects that we have today. My head kinda spinned around everytime Superman would fly. I don't know why but I felt that the things Superman did before were more "possible" than what he did in the movie (try carrying a jumbo jet with a spaceship on top!). Or maybe it's just that I'm all grown up now. One thing I liked in this movie better though is that Lois lane became prettier and her fiancee is not a bad catch either!

I must admit, it would have been nice to watch Superman just like the old times-- with my dad but that is not possible now and I don't want to either. Things change, people change, and we all grow up. I guess I just kind of remember those days while watching the new clark kent tell lois lane, "I'm always around.."

At least Superman keeps his promises. I can't say that for others.

But then again we are only human.

***
I'm always around. Even if you don't notice. And I keep my promises..

It's been one long tuesday morning and to think I don't even have class today. I was up as early as 3:30 am trying to finish a psych report I was making for my mom. I admit it was major cramming (I needed it by 9am) but it was not because of procrastination that my report got delayed (reasons!reasons!hahaha!).. Honest! I just had so much to do over the weekend. It usually takes me two weeks to do an entire test battery but this time I had literally two days!
Thus by noon time today I was already grouchy from fatigue. I had a client the entire morning and my phone was also swamped with text messages from my badminton tropa asking if we were playing tonight (I'm sooo looking forward to playing!!). Ella jokingly texted that when it rains, it really pours! Oh so true!! I went to the gas station when this car was so kupal to overtake me and two other vehicles who were waiting in line for the tire pressure checking area. Talk about kupal! And she had the gall to demand to be served first even when the gas boy told her she was still third in line. I am ashamed to call her a fellow atenean. I hope she has one hell of an emergency otherwise I hope she get's a big karmi on the way home. When I got to AdMU, I faced another kupals.. our dear pearly was screaming why I didnt return the room keys (which by the way I did not even borrow!she mistakenly accused me of getting it). I told her that my mom returned it to her at noon when she lost her temper and screamed, "wala siyang binibigay!" The irony was, it was just right in front of her.I pointed the keys to her and said, "ayan oh!".
If I had been less of a gracious individual I would have bitten her head off and embarrassed her in front of all the people. But takot ako sa karmi so nagwalk out na lang ako..
bakit ba kasi may mga bwiset sa mundo? pwede bang itapon na lang sila sa exile island?! hahaha
***
ilang linggo na lang...

After A While

After a long absence, I'm back to blogging. I didn't have much time to update my blog since May because of a very hectic life. So many things happened in such a short amount of time. As Den would say, "you lived a long life in such a short period of time.. kay daming nangyari."

The old life is gone and a new one is beckoning. It's time to start tying up the loose ends of my so called life in order to move on to the new one. I wonder what the future brings and I wonder if I'll make it. I'm excited and I'm scared at the same time.

Maybe this is what they call the leap of faith.. It's time to take the plunge.
***
I'm learning partner.. to say goodbye one day at a time.

Kupal Magnet

My sister won the "Toxic Magnet" award during their class' post internship party the other night. She has the luck of attracting all the weirdest patients everytime she was on duty during her internship year. In a supposedly benign rotation, she would get all the toxic patients. One time she had 16 or so critically ill patients in one duty night.

If Ves is the toxic magnet, I seem to be the "kupal magnet." hahaha! Karen said I should write about the twin popsies and the pospy of my life. I guess God must think I have the patience of a turtle. Ang tagal ko bago mabwiset. Haay! I have always believed in the goodness of people I guess. And maybe that is what that gets me into trouble. I am so nice to people that I attract the kupals of this world.

The twin popsies came as no surprise. I've met their wrath before. I thought they changed but I guess old habits die hard. Imagine to sell out your friends for what? winning a game? And the worse part is they stupidly let you know about it. Kupal na nga, medyo naging eng eng pa. Hay naku!Nagalit tuloy si Speaker of the House!

The pospy is another thing. That hurts. To think I considered her to be a good friend. I was betrayed behind my back for reasons I still don't know. A friend said, "isa ka lang sa mga biktima niya." I really don't get it-- how some people can be so mean to others. Especially to people who were nothing but nice to you and your loved ones. That really hurt. I guess what made it more hurtful was the fact that she was (and perhaps still is) trying to destroy the most important aspect of my life. She acted like a friend but behind my back she was pure cruella deville (my sincere apologies to cruella). That was total betrayal at its finest.Kupaldom to the max.

I often ask myself why must she hate me that much. I guess I just don't see myself hating another for no reason at all. Karen says I am a beaver. I guess so. Maybe I am indeed too nice. But I guess I'd rather be nice than be someone like pospy. I've never said anything bad to her or at her. Yet until now I still hear bad things about me. Di ko maintindihan. Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to merit such treatment. I guess some people are just mean. But although I may have the patience of a turtle, if she hurts my best friend or any other person I love, I swear sasagasaan ko siya.

Sabi ni macre bilog ang bola. Iikot din ang mundo. Darating din ang karmi niya. I don't wish her harm. I wish her a better life instead. For her and the twin popsies. I wish them better lives to make up for the pathetic way they are living theirs.

Life Must Go On

Looking back, it's been almost a year since life became very interesting for me. The past 360 days or so were the happiest and the saddest moments of my life. I was never happier and I was never as sad as well. I had wonderful moments-- really really wonderful moments. And I look back to them with some bittersweet feelings of nostalgia.

I miss those days. I guess I always will miss those days. I can never bring them back but the memories do give me comfort. Especially during the days when I'm simply overwhelmed with stuff.

I always tell myself-- life goes on. Life must go on. And when things get pretty rough, I remember my promise--the deal I made. And I strive, no matter how hard, I try.

Tomorrow, I'm off to my first real vacation in over a year. I can't wait.

An Honor

After a gruelling night of badminton last night I didn't think I'd wake up in time for my lecture this morning at the Fe Del Mundo Medical Center. My doctors asked me to share the results of my dissertation with them. I thought it was a small lecture/sharing with the doctors of the hematology-oncology department who has graciously taken cared of me for the past 13 years. To my great surprise, it turned out to be a hospital wide conference. Doctors from other departments along with nurses and other staff came to watch me share my thoughts on the experiences of adolescents with chronic illness. I was scared at first because I wasn't prepared for such a big crowd but I guess sanay na lang ako sa mga "surprises" ng life that I managed. The best part was when Dr. Fe Del Mundo herself shook my hand and handed me a plaque of appreciation. It was an honor to shake the hand of the mother of Philippine Pediatrics. She's really old but she's still as sharp as ever. She listened to my entire lecture and even had some very nice thoughts about it.

I consider it a great honor to be invited to share my dissertation to the hospital. It was like finally coming to a full circle with the experience of living with chronic illness. After all how many patients can proudly say that they were treated as peers by their doctors and not as mere patients? I told the audience that I never imagined that I would live long enough to see today. And I just wanted to thank them for making today a reality.

When you get sick, you lose a part of yourself in the process. I lost my childhood to ITP. But it was also in ITP that I found myself again. My ITP now means something to me-- a chance to make a difference. And that makes every painful procedure that I had to go through through the years worth it.

As I said yesterday, the pain now is part of the happiness then and will be part of the happiness of tomorrow. That's the deal.

***
I am doing my best to keep my promise. But it is hard. I always keep my promises. Forever is a promise to keep. =)

The Deal

"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
- C.S. Lewis

The other day I was rereading the life and lovestory of CS Lewis, the famed author of the Chronicles of Narnia. CS Lewis, known to friends as "Jack" fell in love with a divorcee named Joy Gresham but lost her to cancer. She was a fan of his work and they met in one of his famed lectures at Oxford. When they got married she was already dying. He was a theologian who had all the answers to life's big questions but he admitted later on that he only started to live when he met Joy.

I remind myself of his words everyday. Sometimes I find myself wondering whether I did the right thing or not. I still cry from time to time especially when I am reminded of what was so beautiful then and how so many things have happened since then. But then again, I am reminded of the deal I made- the pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

I cleaned my room yesterday and I found myself laughing over the memories that I have accumulated over the years. It was bittersweet because I realized how much a part of my life my friend already is. Everywhere I look, the memories are there. And I guess that's what makes the deal hard sometimes. But still, I am glad. I was giggling the entire morning while looking at old pics (boy! we sure did look yucky then!) and going through old gifts from the years gone by. It was such a nice way to remind me of what made me happy then and its a symbol of hope that someday, things will be back to the way they were.

Forever is a promise to keep. I always keep my promises. Friends forever. That's the deal.

Courage

"When you're scared and you still do it anyway, that's being brave" so said Coraline Jones. During my defense I told my panel that my prayer for the past year was that I find the courage to always be brave. They thought I was just talking about my academic and health struggles. But for me, it was really about LIFE itself. The end of my academic life meant that I was finally going to face the one thing I avoided through the years-- taking charge of my life.

Since my defense last march, I've never felt the urge to use my title of "Phd." When people call me doc hazel, I find it so funny and sometimes even weird. I guess I just felt something was missing. I didn't feel I earned it yet. Academically, I know I've done my part. I passed all the exams and did all the papers. I did the important stuff. But I know that in the defense of "life" I havent earned that right.

So many things have happened over the course of the last four months. People who know me well would know that. There comes a point in life I guess when no matter how great your achievements are, when the most important part is missing, nothing really matters. I know I should have been happy. I did the almost impossible-- finishing two graduate degrees in 6 years, writing a dissertation in 2 months, and breaking records in the process. I should be happy. But honestly? I was not. And it was not about being unsatisfied. And it was not being selfish either. It was about searching for the golden pot at the end of the rainbow but realizing in the end that the treasure you've been looking for was just beside you all along. And you pray that you get to it before it fully disappears.

In the past two weeks I've learned what it meant to be brave. I've learned what it meant to care. I've learned the real definition of what the promise "I'll stick by your side no matter what happens" really meant. But most of all I've learned what matters most in my life is worth fighting for with every living breathe in my soul.

Cha once told me that the reason why I couldn't speak up in January was because I was afraid. The fear of losing the most important person in my life was driving me to shut up. But she also said that one day, that very same fear will be the fuel that would finally drive me to do what has been long overdue. She was right.

I finally found my courage to be brave. And maybe I finally earned the right to be called Dr. Hazel last tuesday night. With God as a witness, I finally defended my the dissertation of life. I finally found the cause to willingly march into hell for. And yes, it was worth it. And though I know life will still surprise me with more trials, at least now I know that I can endure. And I start my new day with the hope that things will slowly become okay.

I still believe in the inate goodness of man. Despite everything. I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. I've always been different. But two opinions matter to me--and they come from my two best friends. And nearly losing the most important aspect of my life pushed me to fight the battle of my life.

When you find that treasure, you realize that it's worth every tear, every pain, and every strength of your soul. Not even the devil himself can stop me from fighting for my heart. I marched into hell and would willingly do so again for that one cause.

I am finally happy.

(And to the one who nearly destroyed it, thank you pa din. Kung sino ka man, I wish you well.I wish you a life that is less sad because I feel really sad for you. Sorry na lang di ka magtatagumpay..)

***
I did not know I could be brave. Thank you for giving me that gift.

Tears anyone?

Raffy and were talking this morning and she told me how she has never seen me cry. She told me about my friend who seemed so scared of talking to me because he is unsure of what to do if I end up crying. She found it quite puzzling that I might actually cry because I've always appeared to be so strong.

I guess Raffy is partly right and partly wrong. Yup, I rarely cry for myself in public. In the face of the people I love, I always end up being the strong one. Even if I am in a great deal of pain, I rarely cry. I don't know why but I find it so easy to cry for someone else but not for me. I am a crybaby when it comes to other people's concerns. I am a crybaby when watching movies (hey! I even cried while watching Space Jam!) and tv (Yesterday I cried while watching an episode of Oprah!).But when it comes to personal concerns, I admit, I rarely cry. Parang nalagyan ng cork yung tearducks ko. But still, I hurt. Hindi po ako bato.

I do cry when I am alone. I been doing that a lot lately. I cry for everything that I miss-- the friend I feel I am losing slowly and the me that I feel is getting more and more lost. I cry for the heart that is slowly withering and I cry for the happy times that once made me smile. It's quite ironic really that my friend thinks I am so fragile. He's the only one who seem to see me that way. I don't know if he does not know me or he knows me too well. I am confused.But maybe he is right. I am not as strong as I say I am. But I sure do try. What he fails to see I guess is that even if I may end up broken, I'd rather be broken than left in a glass cage-- seemingly perfect but totally not okay.

And its okay to end up broken at times. Because its only then that you learn to pick yourself up. With each fall, you learn to stand up once more.

Last night I told my best friend Ella that I was so tired of crying. I realized now that it's not the tears that I was tired of but the dull pain that seems to be stuck by my side. It's a pain that reminds me that as each day pass, my limbo because more and more a limbo. And if I had a chance to right some things in my life, I know I'd like to start with that.

I just want my friend back. That's all.

Everyday

Everyday I think of something that would push me to get up and enjoy life. Sometimes it's kinda hard but most of the time I find something worth waking up for. I guess life is like that-- some days are good and some days are bad. When it's good, you feel like you're on top of the world. But when it's bad, it can be a real downer. This morning I was reading an email from my uncle and it read, "I wish you enough..." I thought it was really lovely especially the line, "I wish you enough 'Hellos' to get you through the final Good-bye." It hit me then, that in life goodbyes will be inevitable and when that day comes we all wish for the strength to get us through that final goodbye.

Sometimes its hard to be brave. Today was a particularly hard day for me. I guess it has just been tough recently. But I try. I sure do try. It's not all sadness naman. I still smile. Like Last night the gang and I got drunk while playing badminton and celebrating kei's birthday on court. We sure did have fun. Imagine playing when you hardly see the ball. Kei and I were running all over the court. The funniest thing happened when Kei asked who won the first set when we were still in the middle of it. We sure did have a great laugh. That was a good night. Karen told me I was so masipag. I wish I could be as persevering in other areas as well. Because sometimes it's hard.

Such a sad entry this is. I guess what I'm trying to say is, in life there are good moments and sad moments. Last night was a good moment. It wasn't the greatest moment but it was a good moment. Today was not so good. But I guess it's just part of the circle of life.. And tomorrow is another day.. Another chance to start anew...

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright."
"I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more."
"I wish you enough happiness to keep your spiritalive."
"I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger."
"I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting."
"I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess."
"I wish you enough 'Hellos' to get you through the final Good-bye.''

***
I wish you enough happiness to last your lifetime.

Sana...Thoughts on A Monday

I think I'm turning into a Sharon fan.. =)

Sana'Y Maghintay Ang Walang Hanggan

Doon ka, dito ako
Hindi magkatagpo
Tawag ko’y di marinig bat kay layo mo
Lapitan man ay di mo matanaw
Bingi’t bulag sa akin ay walang pakiramdam
Sayang na pagmamahal
Paano ng pag-ibig kong walang hanggan

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

Narito ang puso kong inilaan sayo
Pagod na nanginginig baka magtampo
Naghihintay ang labi kong uhaw
Handog nito’y ligayang di mapapantayan
Sayang na pagmamahal
Parang hangin lamang sa iyo’y nagdaan

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

***
When I first heard this song, I thought it was nice. I found mysefl being drawn to it more and more. I think I know now why. It speaks of what I feel right now. It tells my story and the story of my heart. My MA thesis was all about the songs that we sing and what it says about us. This is the song of my heart right now.

On the way home last night from another day of tournament, I had a nice talk with Luis. What made it nice was the realization that finally I made sense to someone. That someone understood, that someone listened to me without judgment.

Yes its hard sometimes, to care for someone who is consciously pushing you away. Hindi ako bato. And yes sometimes I wonder how I can choose to still care. But that's just the way I am built. Maybe that is my gift (or my curse, for some).Luis said that maybe that is my purpose in life. Maybe so.

All I know is that I am happy when I see the people I love happy. And I hurt when I see the people I love hurt. Luis teased me for over empathizing with him andPeter during their match yesterday. I actually looked more tense that them. I even threw up my entire lunch in the middle of their second set out of tension. hehehe. But that is me. I guess I am weird talaga. When they lost, my heart broke. I am just happy that they fought a good fight.

Everyday I pray that amidst everything I could still care. That whatever happens, I can still choose to love with all my heart. And I pray that in the end I'd still have a heart that can love no matter what. Sometimes I find myself crying for me and for my friend. But Luis is right, its part of the path that I chose to take. And its part of the journey of our life.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if I can still be the Hazel that dreams and hopes forever. What I know now though is that my heart will beat as long as it can and will love as long as it can love. The song is right, sana maghintay ang walang hanggan..

And I will try to be me as long as I can.
***
I just miss my friend. Sana talk to me naman. Kung galit ka, tell me and that is okay.

Tagged by Kath

Put an "x" by all the things you've done and share it with your friends.

1. (x) Smoked a cigarette. Pag mega badtrip...Saka nung new year's ever, grade 5 with my cousin to light firecrackers
2. ( ) Crashed a friend's car.
3. ( ) Stolen a car.
4. (x) Been in love.
5. (x) Been dumped. (i guess)
6. ( ) Shoplifted.
7. ( ) Been fired/laid off.
8. ( ) Been in a fist fight.
9. ( ) Snuck out of your parent's house
10. (xxxxxx) Had feelings for someone that didn't have them back. --> MADAMI NA!!!
11. ( ) Been arrested.
12. ( x) Gone on a blind date- twice!
13. (x) Lied to a friend.
14. ( x) Skipped school. --> cha? naka ilan tayo?
15. ( x) Seen someone die--> an 23 week old preamie the size of a shoebox
16. ( ) Been to Canada.
17. ( ) Been to Mexico.
18. (x) Been on a plane.
19. ( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
20. (x) Eaten sushi.
21. ( ) Been skiing.
22. ( ) Met someone in person from the internet.
23. (x) Taken pain-killers. --> but technically bawal
24. (xxxxx) Love someone or miss someone right now.
25. (x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
26. ( ) Made a snow angel.
27. ( x) Had a tea party.
28. ( x) Flown a kite.
29. ( ) Built a sand castle. --> attempted maybe
30. (x ) Gone puddle jumping--> when i was a kid
31. (x) Played dress up.
32. (x) Cheated while playing a game.
33. (x) Been lonely.
34. (x ) Fallen asleep at work/school.
35. ( ) Used a fake I.D.
36. (x) Watched a sunset.
37. (x) Felt an earthquake.
38. (x) Touched a snake.
39. (xx ) Slept beneath the stars.
40. (x) Been tickled.
41. ( x) Been robbed.
42. (x) Been misunderstood.
43. ( ) Petted a reindeer/goat.
44. (x) Won a contest. -->badminton
45. ( xxxx) Ran a red light. --> madaming beses
46. ( ) Been suspended from school.
47. (x) Been in a car accident. --> blooper magnet
48. (x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
49. (x) Had deja vu.
50. (x) Danced in the moonlight.
52. (x) Liked the way you looked.
53. ( x) Witnessed a crime. --> manuela. barilan
54. (x) Questioned your heart.
55. (x) Been obsessed with post it notes. --> there was a point i got fascinated with online ones
56. ( ) Squished barefoot through the mud.
57. (x) Been lost.
58. (x) Been to the opposite side of the country.
59. (x) Swam in the ocean.
60. (x) Felt like dying.
61. (x) Cried yourself to sleep.
62. (x) Played cops and robbers.
63. (x) Recently colored with crayons.
64. (x) Sung karaoke.
65. (x) Paid for a meal with only coins.
66. (x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. > good thing hindi enumeration!
67. (x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose.
68. (x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
69. ( x) Danced in the rain--> glided in the rain at 3am
70. ( x) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
71. ( x) Been kissed under the mistletoe. --> hmmm naalala ko to! hahahaha!
72. ( x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
73. (x) Blown bubbles.
74. (x ) Made a bonfire on the beach--> mam len!!
75. ( ) Crashed a party.
76. (x) Gone roller-skating.
77. (x) Had a wish come true.
78. (x) Worn pearls.
79. ( ) Jumped off a bridge.
80. ( ) Ate dog/cat food.
81. ( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them.
82. ( ) Kissed a mirror.
83. (x) Sang in the shower.
84. (x) Had a dream that you married someone.
85. (x) Glued your hand to something.
86. ( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flagpole.
87. ( ) Kissed a fish.
88. (x) Sat on a rooftop.
89. (x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
90. ( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
91. (x) Talked on the phone for more than six hours on one occasion.
92. (x) Stayed up all night.
93. ( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
94. ( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
95. ( x) Climbed a tree that had a tree house.
96. ( x) Been told by a complete stranger that you're hot.
97. ( ) Ever had a one night stand.
98. ( XXXX) Ever missed someone so much it still hurts to think of them.
99. (x) Ever loved someone that you knew wouldn't love you back. --> lagi lagi
100 ( x) Ever been to a professional baseball, football, or hockey game in a stadium.
101.(x) Went hiking in the mountains. --> sort of hiking with a tourist trail, hehe
102. ( x) Smoked a cigar.
103. (x) Had a crush on someone you worked with but never told them. --> oh yeah, si reyrey
104. (x ) Wished you had the chance to change your profession.
105. ( ) Ever cremated and kept the ashes of a pet you cared a lot about.
106. (x) Wished you could live your life over again beginning at age 21.
107. (x) Been baptized.
108. ( x) Rode a horse.
109. ( ) Sent flowers to someone you never met.

Memories

Memories serve two purpose in life. They offer a sense of remembrance of the good times and they leave a sense of nostalgia over days gone by. I was texting Ella this evening that our Subic trip was a year ago yesterday. We both couldn't believe that it was only 366 days ago when we had our gluttony trip to Days Hotel in Subic with Peter. We were only three but it felt like we were one whole baranggay. We had so much fun then. I still remember the entire trip as if it was only yesterday.

How time indeed fly. Imagine that was one year ago. So many things has happened since then. We gained new friends and lost old friends. I earned a degree and got a new lease in life. Everything's different now.

On days like today when it's almost impossible to smile, I look back on days like our Subic trip to remind me that once upon a time I had the best smile. It gives me both hope and fear about the future. Hope that things will become better soon and fear that things will never be like they were before.

It's confusing to describe how I feel right now. I just know that things are quite hard today. Especially today.

So I hold on to my memories and hope and pray.. Tomorrow after all is another day.

GoodBye Forever

Peter once told me that I should be ready for days like this. My work at PCMC entails such readiness for death. As a volunteer for the hospice, I take care of kids with various life threatening illness. It's not an easy task but it's a task I've come to love. I wish I could just follow Peter's advice before. But how does one prepare for losing someone you've learned to love?Sine June I've been doing my internship at PCMC. There I started a tutorial program for a group of cancer patients who had to stop schooling because of their treatment. One of my kids there was Adam. He had Leukemia.

At 3pm today I got a call from Eileen- Adam died today at PCMC. He was only 12. His life cut short by a disease that he could even barely understand.

I cried after Eileen's call. I felt so sad. Adam was just a kid. And just last thursday he was okay. We worked on his science assignment and did some exercise on reasoning. He was a bit dizzy because of his chemo but he tried his best. It was always like that with Chemo. I was not worried because Adam was such a fighter. When he got tired he asked me if he could just continue his assignment at home. Tomorrow we were even supposed to do the muscular system together and afterwards the brain.

I used to fear teaching kids. But Adam and the rest of my pcmc family taught me to love it. I intentionally did not want to handle kids in school because I wasn't the entertainer type of teacher. But Adam and his classmates were patient with me. Funny how I was supposed to be the one teaching them yet I ended up learning from them.

I have fond memories of Adam but the fondest was when he shared his wish with me several months ago. He wanted to go home to Bicol. He wanted to go back to school and eat his favorite veggies. They were a poor family, at times they barely had anything to eat. But they were happy. He spoke of how his mom and grandmother would sell vegetables in the market so that they could have food to eat. He was an intelligent kid. Despite his condition, he wanted to learn. He used to be the top of his class and he looked forward to going back when he was better.

Adam will finally get his wish to go home. I wished it was under good circumstances. Not like this.

During days like these I find myself asking why God can be cruel at times. I know it is bad and he has his reasons. But Adam was just 12. He deserved a longer life. He deserved a life. I wish I could make sense of his wisdom. How does one explain to a mother that his beloved son is dead? And how do we explain to our other tutees tomorrow that their beloved kuya is gone?

Maybe I will never be really prepared for losing someone I love. I don't think I'll ever be what Peter told me once I should be when it comes to handling these sick kids. They are not only patients of mine because more than just being patients they are my friends. And saying goodbye to friends will never be easy.

How do you say goodbye to a friend... I don't know. All I know is that when you lose a friend, life will never be the same again.