Dream a little Dream

I remember having a recurring dream all these years--about me being sent back to highschool and needing to finish some unfinished subject that I seem to have forgotten. I used to dream that dream every semester in college till I finished my MA. Then it would come once in a while again. Usually it would come when I am most stressed and I would be feeling blue about something that was about to happen in school.

Two nights ago I had the same dream again. But this time I was happy to be back in school. It was like the previous one I had (right after I moved to Malaysia). This time however, P was there. For some reason he was in that dream too this time. He was back to his old self-- the P that used to care for me- the one I called my second bestfriend. He was happy to see me again. He was saying something about things being all right for me and how he would be there. I dont know if the dream happened in the future or was it in the past (when we were still friends). But I do know that in that dream the sad events of 2006 did happen and it was like the first time we got back together since that event. Kinda weird I know.

But despite the weird scenario I remember waking up feeling extra happy. Not because I dreamt of him but because it made me remember the happy memories we once shared. Maybe it was due to the fact that I needed some happy thoughts that morning since I was starting my treatment for my cysts. Or maybe because I know his birthday is soon coming up. And if things didnt end up badly last year I'd probably be planning some surprise by this time.

Back to the dream-- it was just like that-- a happy memory. And though it may appear that I am still hung up on him, I know I'm not. I believe that the dream was telling me that he did fulfill his promise-- that we'd always be friends despite everything. Even if it was only a dream. At least I got to feel him to be there again.

It brought back memories of the time I took my comps exam and I was feeling so bad after the first day. I remember calling him on the phone and crying because I felt I was going to flunk. He told me to meet him and the chuts' gang for lunch and we ate at mushroom burger. Afterwards he took me to see troy in Robinson's Metroeast. He spent the entire afternoon cheering me up. Two months later when I got my results, he was the first one to come and greet me congratulations. I still remember that day. He was not in his best moment after suffering his own heartbreak but he still shared my special day with me. He skipped work and instead went off to fetch me for lunch. He surprised me that day by showing up in SB coz he was just telling me that he was off to work on the phone. Mas masaya daw mag celebrate

So many moments that I hardly remember now. And the dream brought them all back. It was fitting because that morning I knew my world will change anew. I won't be the same hazel again. I'll be back in my weird body again.

I know I can never hate him. And despite everything he will always be one of my dearest friends.

Knowing that even if only in my dreams he was there for me was enough to keep me smiling.

Who knows in the future right?

Maybe we could even laugh together again.

I can dream can't I?

Pictures from videoke night

Some pics from our recent videoke night at endah villa.

Surprise Call

I got a surprise in the middle of my sleep last nignt-- Idol called. At first I thought it was an accidental call but when anthony called again, I thought hey there must be something up for idol to call in the middle of the night. True enough,there was something worth waking up for--it was called Thesis crisis.

I knew how it felt like to go through that crisis. I went through it twice. Believe me, when it comes you almost find the urge to just walk away from it all until a gentle dreamer inside you reminds you that walking away from your dream and hardwork is nothing but pure stupidity. So before you lose that grip on the dream, you need to find that someone to push you a bit more. I remember Idol's first few sentences last night-- I need something to motivate me to keep going.

I couldn't think of anything to say except I think I said something like "dapat tapusin mo na kasi gusto ko mag Bali!" (you should finish it coz I want to go to Bali) What a self centered motivation right? hahaha. We had this deal kasi that we will celebrate the end of his thesis in Bali. Oh diba? Sosyal.

His call actually reminded me of thesis and dissertation days-- when I too wanted to just throw it all away. After a while you just get completely sick of reading all those journals and going through all those stats. But it's all part of the journey.

Anthony made me miss home again. Aww.. After his call came luis' text announcing he has YM already. Last night was badminton night and had I been home we would probably just ending play around that time. Then we'd probably go to Eastwood to eat with Byo and go home a little after 1am. Traditions.

Of course for now I have to be contented with the calls and occasional hello's and text messages from everyone. Anthony might have called me because I was his only friend who knew what he was going through with thesis but in truth he also acts as my motivator. His call got me a little closer to home even for several minutes. And it made me find my bliss once more.

Kaya idol tapusin mo na! para di ka na delata.magiging isa ka ng ganap na master idol. hahaha

Special Memories

Events may last a few short moments but memories last a lifetime.. who could ever forget these wonderful and greatly treasured memories...

... dinner with the p10 girls at shakeys where i met enzo for the first time. He's such a cute baby!
... tambay with coach len and our takas date sa metrowalk (calories!!!)
... hanging out with Luis and Byo in Eastwood. We even got to watch that diver flick in the laptop.
... badminton nights at GBC including tapsilog after play with Marlo, Toffee, Lou, Pau and Harry.
... Starbucks (Corinthian, Katipunan, Greenhills, and Blue Wave).. Loyalty eto!
... Reunion with Anthony who not only made me laugh but made me teary eyed as well with his thoughts.. sigh..
... Galeria hangout with Weevens. We spoke about going on a diet pero we still ordered huge portions in Burgoo! Oh well! its the thought that counts!
... Tropical Hut and Jollibee with Luis-- our old habit is back even for a while. Add that to our text tradition right after I get home. Something that I'll miss a lot.
... Reunion with tita nel, tito noel and lolo rb. Sayang I missed partner kei.
... Wencha Spa with tito morris, tita connie, lou and pau. Good Food, Great Massage. I loved the chocolate cake the most.
... Subic Escapade with Ella, Classmate and Lyzet. Anything for steak. haha. Even if we ended up getting caught for overspeeding while driving at 75kph. hahaha.
... Tagaytay lunchout with Mother. Major Foodtrip at RSM where we had the best Bangus belly salpicao.
... MOA, SM North, and EVER with Momsy. Shopping galore!!!
... Cravings Chocolate Cake. Enough said. Sarap.
... Pepperoni Crunch at Shakeys. Simply the best.
... Reunion with Tita Thel, Tito Ted, Randi, Kaye, Tito Joey and Tita Lucille.
... Meeting Ani and our new babies-- Small, medium and large.
... cuddling Olie once again.
... dinner at ella's and seeing the davao gang again. Tita's spareribs were wonderful!
... non stop foodtrip. What else can I say... Share the calories na lang!

Met lots of people and met up with old friends. Missed a couple like marekoy binky and marekoy jeanette plus the PPPeyups gang (never na natuloy ang reunion na yan!). Di bale may next time pa naman. It was great catching up with everyone.

There were lots of happy memories but there were also a couple of sad ones like realising that the friend you once had is really gone. And that despite promises of being friends forever, he has forgotten his promise for now.

I just don't dwell on it now. Maybe its the sign that finally I really have grown up. After all we did have lots of happy memories.And despite the sadness, once upon a time we were the happiest friends. I have enough hellos to last till our final goodbye.

So nothing but fond memories now.

Last night I was having dinner with Jesse and Obet and we spoke about how genuinely pinoy our dinner was-- chopseuy with jollibee chicken joy (seriously!) while watching Ai Ai's "Ang Cute ng Ina Mo" on DVD. Iisa lang ang kulang... Yung asa Pilipinas ka.

Till my next visit....can't wait. :)

Memories of Manila

Some special memories of my recent vacation in Manila.

Going Home...

2 more days and I'm off to Manila. I can't wait. Who would have thought that there would be a time in my life when I would yearn to see the pollution and the traffic jams again. hahaha..

It's been a while (7 months!) since I was home. I look forward to meeting old friends and family. I am especially excited to see my baby--polie!!!--- my four legged baboy cat. I miss having him around. I look forward to driving Ed again. haha. My car is probably missing me too! :)

Today I'll be packing my bags na. Hope to finish all the pasalubong shopping today.

So what will be the first thing I shall do when I get to Manila?? Ano pa ba eh di kakain ako sa Jollibee ng chickenjoy! yipee!!

Paalam Pochay

Several years ago I had the honor (and the surprise) of attending to my first cat birth courtesy of our weird pet Hospicia (hospy or poch for short). She was the lone daughter of our even weirder cat named Patricia. Together they formed the Mandirigma family. Why? Coz Patricia was far more scary than any guard dog imagined. She could take on the neighbors dogs and get them to scamper off our garage. We had a running joke in the family that we were Patricia's pets and not the other way around. She never let us touch her unless she was extremely ill. And she treated Poch the same way.

Anyway, after patricia died Hochay became the sole survivor of the mandirigma clan. She was always pregnant but rarely any of her babies live. She manages to turn psycho after a few weeks and abandons her kittens. Then she would suddenly become so sweet again. During her first ever pregnancy she decided that I was to be her nursemaid and on the moment she was about to give birth she literally jumped on my lap and started going into labor there! I was so shocked. But my mothering instinct pushed me not to throw her out right there and then. I even cut off the umbilical cord.

Through the years we had a love hate relationship. I loved her a lot coz she was so malambing and she had this weird way of sliding her head back everytime i carry her. She drove me crazy though everytime she tries to slip into the house with her newborn kittens and hide them wherever she felt "safe." She also had this habit of harassing polie my "favorite" baby. So there were times when I'd really smack her. But she loved me and I loved her still. She was loyal to the max. She was also the only cat that I had who ate the whiskas I would buy for them. Somehow our other babies are "jologs" at heart and prefers the leftover food.

Poch died the other day. Mom found her sleeping under my car. She was about 10 years old (70 years old in cat years). She has been struggling with her breathing the past months and finally her body gave up.

I feel sad that poch is dead. It means that the last of the great mandirigma's is now gone. Unfortunately none of her babies lived long enough to replace her. So now our gray haired cat is forever gone.

But I am happy too that the mother of century awardee among cats is finally at peace. She had a rough life. She lived well.

sayang lang i didnt get to say goodbye anymore. now i only have polie left. mom adopted 4 more cats recently--ani and three kittens. But since I am now here in KL, I am not part of their growing up years.

So goodbye poch... thanks for the lovely memories...

Malaysian Haze

Everyone's been complaining about the haze this week. I didn't actually believe how bad it could be until today. I was thought I was walking through smoke while walking the streets of KL today. At first it appears that your eyesight looks a bit blurry but then you realize it's the environment. So this is what they complain about.. It was hard to breathe and walk. And by the time I got to my office I was dying for a shower. I haven't been feeling well since yesterday and the pollution and the haze is not making things any better at all.

But as they say, the show must go on.. life goes on... still have 3 days of class left along with an open night tomorrow night. so for now, bawal magkasakit.

Moody

Back in manila maan and I coined the term "na-moody" to refer to days when we are hit by the blues. We'd tell each other "namoomoody ako" whenever we feel our hormones acting up or we are stressed out. Most of the time it's related to the time of the month. haha..

Today is one of those days.. I know I am happy but I guess I'm just namoomoody. You know how it feels when everything just gets on your nerves and you feel as if you're just waiting for time to pass.

I hate these kinds of days.

I'm taking an extra dose of chocolate now to perk me up. KFC helped as well. Hmm.. maybe some serious shopping would help? (budget?).

I asked myself earlier today what makes me moody today. Maybe its hormones, maybe its stress, maybe its this painful shoulder/neck muscle that's keeping me from enjoying my passion. Or maybe it's just been way too long since I've been back to my comfort zone called home.

Been singing Chris Daughtry's hit song "home" a lot lately. It's really way overdue for a visit back to manila. just a visit. to see old familiar faces and places.

A friend asked me earlier if I wanted to go home for good already. No, I don't. My path is still here. But it doesn't mean I don't feel homesick.

miss ko lang talaga si polie.
saw a cat near KFC earlier sleeping in the polie position.

so till july 21, im just gonna sing

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

(cant wait):)

Remembering Him

Today I celebrate the birthday of the most influential man in my life. He was part of it for 24 years until he decided to stop being one. He gave me half my DNAs as a baby, took my pictures when I was born, brought me to school on my first day, and gave me my first set of story books to read. He was my hero.

But like some heroes out there, he decided to stop being one.

I can spend hours here writing about the things he did to me that made life miserable. And I can spend years searching for answers to the never ending whys and what happened. But I choose not to.Instead I'd like to spend a few moments to remember him--the man he used to be-- before he left.

As a little girl I always yearned to be his little princess. But I turned out to be his little tomboy. When I asked for Barbie he gave me a set of priceless remote controlled cars. When I asked for stationeries and kikay stuff, he brought home toy guns instead. He taught me how to fix the car and be the house handyman (and im eternally grateful for that otherwise we'd be doomed in the house when he left). He took me hunting and taught me how to fire a gun (and be a responsible owner). He taught me to love school and gave me my first real job.

He could do no wrong in my eyes then. Despite knowing about his dark side he was still my hero.

The other day I thought about him and I asked myself how I'd like to remember him and found myself remembering the times..
...he took endless pictures of me as a baby.
...he read me my favorite stories.
...he hugged me the day I got run over by a tryke.
...we trained for archery and won two medals together.
...we had our last firing session and he was so proud about how I shot the clip of the coconut shell.
...we fixed our door and spent hours carving the hole to fit the new lock. My hands hurt like hell but we did it.
...he took me hunting with lolo and our target shooting in the backyard.
...he accompanied me to the hospital for my blood checkups.
...he searched for blood donors to save my life
...he taught me how to drive the car
...he brought home pasalubong from his trips
...he bought me tickets to Lea Salonga's Miss Saigon
...our last dinner together--Nov. 17, 2001

Those are the times I'd like to remember him by. Nothing more. Some people ask me how come I never hated him for what he did. And I have a simple answer to that.

I choose to think of him as if he passed away- And the man who remains is just someone who looked like him--or should I say was once him. I want to keep my happy memories intact and leave the sad ones behind.

So happy birthday to the memory of him. And happy birthday to the man he used to be-- The Man who I used to call my Dad.

Homesick

I haven't been able to update my blog in a while. Somehow I could not post successfully the past two weeks (all i get are blanks).. It has been busy too the past week with ella's visit to KL. My bestfriend came to visit last Sunday and stayed for a good four nights. I wish it could have been longer coz I miss having her around. Communicating through sms is not enough. I miss our telebabad nights and our foodtrips back in manila.

I guess I'm getting a bit homesick too. It's been almost six months since I've been home. I was talking to charles last night and I told him how living in a suitcase can be tiring at times. Going to the UK was a blast but it also made me realize how much of a wanderer I've become. Or should I say a traveller. And sometimes I just look forward to the days when I can sit back and relax in the comforts of the places I belong.

Being here in KL is good. I've met lots of new people and basically I got my big adventure in life. But I also miss home. I miss my cat, my car, my mom and my sis. I miss badminton nights and my night time kwentuhan with luis. I miss isaw and fishballs. Hard to admit, I even miss cafeteria food in ateneo. I miss my afternoon merienda with ces, weevens, oliver, cha and maan. I miss mimopie and mardet's wisdom. I miss hanging out at Maam Len's place and my inumans with witart. I miss that Burger Machine holed up near katipunan aurora that Luis and I would stop at on our way home from our late night badminton. Sige na nga I miss traffic na din--the manila style.

People may sometimes disappoint us but knowing that there will always be someone and someplace where you will belong is a reminder that hope will always be there.

Life is a choice they say. And despite missing all these people, I am happy here and I'm glad I made the leap of faith to come here. I've learned that in the end, only one person can make you really happy-- YOURSELF.

loving yourself and allowing yourself to be happy is truly the greatest love of all (no matter how cheesy the song goes).

elections

i feel awfully guilty.

i didn't even know who the candidates were for today's elections until today election day.

it wasn't because i didn't care. maybe it was partly because i didn't want to read about the sad truth about our politics-- that people do not necessarily get voted for the capacities to run the government but for reasons unbenknownst to many.

but who am to bitch right? i did not even get to vote today. like millions of other pinoys abroad, we failed to do our civic duty today.

but still i find myself thinking, what now for the future of the country? seeing the list of would be senators make me cringe to the thought that the country that i left would be in a no better position when i get back. how then can my dream of returning in the not so distant future and settling back in the land i called home become a reality?

i wonder.

so i send my prayers to the heavens--that's all i can do for now.i pray for a miracle that the heavens might intervene to save our country from doom.

i pray that the right people get elected. and even if they don't that the people who will eventually end up winning will realize that they were elected to serve the people and not themselves.

i pray that the people who had the chance to vote today did so with the right mind and the right heart.

and i pray that those who will eventually count the votes will count the right votes and not the paid ones.

i dream of one day going back home for good. but i hope that when that day comes, the philippines will once again shine it's brightest like the way my grandparents used to talk about.

i still dream. so maybe there is still hope.

Going Back...

16 days passed by so quickly. Now it's time to go back. I can't believe that this trip is indeed over. After months of preparations and seemingly never ending hitches, my two week stay in the UK will finally come to a close.

We had a bank holiday here over the weekend so I took some time to visit an old friend in Northampton--my original marekoy--Jeanette. It was great to catch up with her after not seeing her for two years. We got drunk while singing in her living room (magic sing eto!) and we pigged out in homemade japanese maki/sushi that we made that afternoon (dahil lang sa wasabe paste, napaluto kami ng sushi). We even found some time to play a bit of badminton (kahit singles) despite the freezing weather. It reminded me of the time we played at the pearl and in tagaytay. Only this time natural aircon na di pwedeng sabihan na "pakihinaan please!". We took tons of pictures and of course di kami naubusan ng chismiss about our lives.

It's funny coz Jeanette and I didnt have much time to become close when she was still in Manila. We were becoming friends pa lang when she was about to leave for the UK. Yet somehow we managed to keep in touch. Once upon a time I jokingly told her that one day I would visit her in the UK. Who would have tought that the joke would really come true?

freezing again

my hands are semi frozen again. It's 15 degrees here in nottingham right now and although locals claim that its perfect weather, for a tropical country die hard like me, its almost like winter.hahaha. I woke up this morning almost unwilling to get out of the warm covers of my bed. Then I remembered it was almost 8am so I had to rush down the breakfast hall for my traditional english breakfast of orange juice, tea, toast and sausages. I was craving for some tapsilog but of course there's nothing close to that here in England. Oh well, we can't have everything right?

Last night's dinner/drinking session with angeli was nice. We caught an early dinner at the Rose and Crowne pub where I had a rump steak along with beer. I was so hungry since I didnt have anything for lunch save for a bar of caramel brownies and a cup of cappucinno. The dinner turned into an extended kwentuhans about life's little mysteries. It was really nice. There was no game last night so the pub was pretty quiet save for a few diners. When the pub started playing loud spice girls songs we knew it was time to go home. By then it was almost 10pm. I walked back to my flat at cripps hall and pondered on how easy it was for me to walk at such a late time alone in england but not in my own home country. It was a sad realization that my beloved home has a long way to go in ensuring public safety at night. I think I was more scared of seeing ghosts than bumping into criminals in nottingham. There was an eerie silence in campus and with my overly active imagination, syempre i kept thinking of all the moomoos that could pop out.

I still have a few days left here in England. I hope to maximize the time left to exploring this beautiful country some more. After all this may be a trip that could only happen once in a lifetime.

conversations...

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want." -Meredith Grey

one of the things i find myself enjoying in this trip are the conversations i have with angeli. since were the only pinoys here in the university we're sort of bonded by our history together. in the past couple of days we've talked about almost every possible topic imaginable from the mundane to the serious stuffs of life. we have a lot in common pala and it's nice that i have a friend from home here in the strange country of united kingdom. and though we may have come from different backgrounds at home i realized that we do share passion for a lot of things.

we often talk about our desires and wants and dreams. we call them our hope lists and how we often adjust them to meet the needs of the present. i found it nice to finally find someone who could understand my current philosophies without thinking that i am such a weirdo for not wanting what every other girl wants. after all who wouldn't want the barbie fantasy right?--the perfect life with the perfect family and perfect job.

perhaps it's our psych background or our quirkiness that makes us like that. but it was quite funny that we both agree that what we have right now may be the best for now. and that despite not having that perfect life were supposed to have, hey we are happy. and maybe its not about finding that perfect life that fits the perfect mold but rather finding your bliss with the present.

im not sure if im just saying all these things because im getting my taste of independence right now but in a way i find value more now in the things that i do. like mariel, i may have decided to march down a different kind of path for now but i am happy. and i guess for the first time in a long time i actually have no care about what others may think about me. at last i finally found that confidence to strike it out on my own.

meredith grey is right, not knowing what you want is the worst desire of all. maybe this time by getting to know myself a little bit better i'll get to discover the real wants of my heart and not just the wants that the world set out for me.

who knows.

The UK Adventure so far...

If someone asked me a year ago where I would be today, never would it be in my wild imagination that I'd be halfway around the world at this time. Living from paycheck to paycheck, one cannot possibly fathom the possibility of even going anywhere. Yet now I am here in the UK for an adventure of a lifetime. Who would have known right?

Funny how fate can bring such unexpected blessings. I took a giant leap of faith in my desire to get something out of my boring life and I ended up with a grand adventure.

Been here in the UK for one week now and so far its been one adventure after the other. Nottingham is very very cold and windy (although sabi nila hot na now since its springtime). But the views are fantastic.It looks like a scene straight out of the victorian novels or jane austen's books. So far i've been around the city a bit and also went to newstead abbey--lord byron's home.

Last weekend I went around London with my friend Gilbert who hosted my london adventure. It was tiring but fun. Nakakaaliw to get lost all over london with a friend. We ended up riding the wrong bus so san san kami napunta. At least I was with someone when I got lost. It would have been a bummer kung magisa lang ako.

We visited the famous sites of course including the castles-- Buckingham and Kensington plus the tower of london and the walked around the Thames and the London Bridge. I saw the eye of London and saw Big Ben. The highlight of my trip included hearing a high mass inside Westminister Cathedral. There was an eerie feeling inside and hearing the mass in Latin made it so solemn. Wala akong masabi

I still have a week left here. I hope to see more sites and try more food. Although the food here can be bland most of the time experiencing them is still something nice to try. So far I loved the spanish resto we went to the most as well as the english pub Angeli and I ate at last night. It was a truly authentic British experience.

Still I miss home a lot.Especially when you realize how expensive living here is. But there's nothing like pinoy food to cure homesickness. It's funny though that I travelled 16 hours all the way to europe just to eat daing na bangus exported from the Phillippines. buti na lang Angeli has so much pinoy stuff in her flat that I got my fix of datu puti suka, silver swan soy sauce and even daing na bangus!Yan ang tunay na foodtrip!

Ouch...it still hurts

I can't imagine how people who go for body piercings take it--the pain that is. My recent tongue operation has shed new light to the meaning of pain in my book. I tried to be brave about it and stopped taking pain meds. Unfortunately last night I surrendered after 12 hours of going med-free and took panadol.

It's not that the pain is totally unbearable but rather its feeling like you can't move your tongue at all because any sudden movement might cause pain or worse rip off the stitches! argghh..It's so hard to eat as well. Last night it took me more than an hour to finish half a cup of rice and several pieces of chicken. I got tired of eating that despite my hunger I couldnt bear to eat another bite.

Ok I know I am whining now. I guess I just miss my ability to eat anything. I want to eat rice and ulam the way they ought to be eaten and not like some weird fellow who eats by slurping down the food instead of chewing. The worse part of it is that you can only slurp on one side of your mouth.

ouch.

Another First...

Malaysia is proving to be the land of first times for me. In the four months that I have been here I've been through a lot of "firsts" but perhaps none like today's first-- my first operation.

Had a polyp in my tongue taken out. I'm still awaiting the results of the biopsy but my doctor is confident it's not cancer. This morning I trekked to Gleneagles for an early morning operation at 8am. I was so scared that I barely ate breakfast (which I now regret since that was the last real meal i had). The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes. I kept my eyes closed for fear of seeing the blood. Thank God that the doctor was telling the truth when he said I won't feel anything at all. I could only hear the squishing of the needle and the thread when he was doing the stitches but apart from that I didn't feel a thing.

I think it helped that he was a jolly doctor and that he called me "my dear" to keep me from panicking. He reminded me of lolo mayo. His wife was also pinoy from Bulacan and she talked to me as well. I guess hearing nonstrange voices made it all seem easier.

Spent the entire afternoon napping and resting. I'm still on pain meds so I'm in no pain yet. Hopefully it will be painfree till the end.

The only difficulty i have right now is eating. I can't eat anything bigger than a grain of rice and nothing hard or hot. That leaves me with eating jello and mashed potato plus instant lugaw. I wish mom was here to cook her comforting chicken arroz caldo. Whenever we'd get sick at home mommy will prepare that isang baldeng arroz caldo of hers. It will last forever but it will make you definitely feel much better.

Another first. Another adventure.. Hopefully I'll always be this brave.

4 Medals

For someone non-sporty like me, winning 4 medals at the recently concluded Nottingham cup will always be something to remember. I volunteered to join the staff badminton team but ended up being volunteered in other games like peanut passing using chopsticks, 11 feet race, slipper on a stick race, and dry apple bobbing. Severely undermanned, the team comprised of members of academic and nonacademic staff of nottingham went up 5 other teams of students. ika nga the old vs. the young. Ella remarked that I must have turned over a new leaf here in Malaysia since I volunteered for all these events. Rarely do I join sport events back home except for badminton.

I know peanut passing is hardly a sport but when you count the amount of effort we pulled together to pass those tiny peanuts from one chopsticks to another, our bronze medal for that event was well earned. Add that to the yucky feeling of having to submerge my feet on muddy grass just to play the slipper on a stick race (we won the bronze too for that). I was trying my best not to scream "ewww" while traversing the darkened football field. One of my colleagues remarked that we should just think of the mud as an all natural foot spa. Yeah righ. All natural indeed--with matching germs and the like. The only time I screamed was when the team fell flat on our knees while practicing.

My third medal came from the 11 feet race.We won gold in this event. Ten members of the team were tied together and had to walk across the football field. That was fun. I think we shocked the students when we actually creamed them in that event. Most of us lost our voices after screaming "one-two-one-two" constantly.

The best medal of course came from badminton. It was after all my first tournament in 6 months. I haven't played competitively since leaving Manila. And after all the months of just playing for fun, it was quite difficult to get back to the competitive mode. I played in mixed doubles (my comfort event). I trained with my friends for two weeks prior to the event. It wasn't serious training though--mainly me practicing my ninja skills and net play against Bala, Charles, and Jesse who made me their human target.

We won 2 games and lost 2. It was not only nerve wracking but extremely tiring as well. Going up young and very agile players can be a challenge. Fortunately for me, I had the Gulang factor in me. haha. In the end my partner, Mazlan, (the one in yellow in the pic) and I helped the team win a silver medal. My partner and I were able to beat the champion pair but unfortunately it wasn't enough to power the team past the mighty orange orangutans (they were the overall champs). But it was the best feeling for me-- to finally get back on my feet again. And after everything I've been through in terms of illnesses and all, this was something good. Nakapiso pa ako ng kalaban sa noo! bingo! hehe

In the end the staff won the gold in 3 events (tug of war, table tennis, 11 feet race), silver in 3 events (badminton, volleyball, tennis) and bronze in 3 events (peanut passing, slipper on a stick race, gunny sack race). Sa apple bobbing lang kami namasaker. Imagine I had to eat an apple hanging on a string! Shet sobrang hirap pala nun. Mas nahirapan pa ko kaysa sa badminton. haha. Despite being severely undermanned, we actually did it. Syempre may konting reinforcements from the maintenance people for tug of war-- talagang dinaan sa gulang hehehe. The students were amazed by our ability to win actual games. haha. I guess no expected the Sassy Snakes to win anything at all. Someone even played a joke on our name in the bulletin board by changing Sassy to "Sissy." Sino ang sissy ngayon?! haha.

True sportsmanship they say comes in one's ability to enjoy wins and enjoy losses-- to be able to gracefully accept defeat and humbly accept success. But most of all I think it lies in our ability to use sports to build more friendship instead of breaking them down.

Graduation Day via webcast

Thanks to the power of technology I still get to attend my graduation today-- via webcast that is. Right now I am listening to fr. joey reading out the names of graduates of 2007 for the school of social sciences. My name won't be called because I am not there to collect my pseudo diploma (the real one comes in a few months time) but at least I get to experience the culmination of a long and ardous journey.

25 years of education finally ended today. Imagine that-- I've been in school far longer than in any other place in my life.

There's something sentimental about graduation coz in a way it marks the end of a long journey. I wish I could be there to march as well but things don't always turn out the way we want them to. I can just imagine sitting beside weevens, fr. glenn, jennie, she-- all the psych people. We'll probably be dying of heat right now and we're probably complaining our assess off. And I can just imagine the weebird making his signature taray comments. hahaha..

But you know what, I'd give anything to be there right now. If only it was physically possible.

If only all wishes can come true

Saying Goodbye to Turat

I said my first goodbye here in KL today. One of our friends left Malaysia to go home for good. Last night we had a farewell get together with him at the Bakuteh before finally saying the final goodbye.

It's quite funny how our friendship started-- I walked in on him dead asleep, dead drunk after a mid afternoon drinking session. I didn't know who he was then but our introduction became the topic of laughter of the group for a while.

Even if I knew him for only a short while I will still miss Dioms. Last sat we had a despedida party for him. Jesse and I cooked the main dishes for the party (even waking up at 7am to go to the market). I made a short photoessay on ppt for him too. It was a nice farewell party. No tears. Just the entire group bonding together as a whole one last time.

I'm quite envious of Dioms today. At least he's going home na. And despite living a great life here in KL I still yearn for that good ol polution of metromanila. It's different here. I don't know how to put it but there's still something about home that makes it such a wonderful place. And though I know I am here to stay for now, I am still looking forward to the day when I get to do what Dioms did-- go home to stay.

For now I shall have to content myself with the purefoods tender juicy hotdog and sinigang mix that charlington brought for me from manila. It's as close to home that I'll get for now..

Till July that is...

Polie

I miss Polie. He's my 3 year old cat. Well he'll turn 4 this May 5 (we celebrate his birthday on the day he first arrived at our house). His real name is oliver. Today I just miss him so much it makes me dream of going home soon. Usually at this time Olie will be with me sleeping. He usually bugs me to feed him lunch or just sleep around the house in places where he will be "seen." He craves for attention all the time. Since it's usually exam time during this week in the Philippines, I'd be drowning in papers to check at this time. Olie would usually laze over the papers to catch my attention. He will refuse my attempts to shift pages by grabbing the papers and sometimes eating them. hahaha.

I guess Im just homesick this morning. I thought I was going to go home for March. But unfortunately I can't. I wanted to come home for graduation but because of schedules here in Malaysia I can't.

I don't regret coming here. But I still miss my old life a lot. I miss my mom and my sister. I miss my car. And I miss my baby, Polie. My sister told me he has found a friend now-- Ani, a kitten that found its way to our house recently. Wow! after almost four years of believing he was half human, my baby has a friend of his own now. Polie used to be so scared of other cats but not of humans so we joked that he doesn't know that he was actually a cat.

Isn't he just absolutely adorable?!! Kung may pusa lang sa showbiz pwedeng pwede lumaban sa contest tong si polie! :)

Hit By Nostalgia

Yesterday's reunion chat with the p10 locals triggered a wave of nostalgia in me. It was the first time that the girls were "almost" complete. I could almost hear divina's laugh and mariel's bungisngis from my office here in Malaysia. It made me realize how much I miss my old friends and how I long to go home and visit.

Then tintin's email came and that got me more nostalgic. 13 years ago our friendship was cemented over an impromptu overnight stay at my house. And till now despite not seeing each other in a long time we still managed to remain great friends. Our families are even connected by a unique story. Pwedeng pang teleserye. One of my aunts adopted a girl whose twin sister was adopted by tin's relative.

The nostalgia has sort of rubbed on me all throughout the day that I even found the time (and the guts) to reread an old blog dedicated to a friend I once held so dear. It opened a barrage of memories and I felt kind of bittersweet. Tama si Jom, madrama nga!

One of the questions in yesterday's p10 chat was who was the person besides the one you're with right now that if given the chance, you'd like to go back to? It's like the what if you had a second chance with someone question. haha.. surprisingly my answer to that question wasn't the one I thought I'd answer. I would have thought that I'd give the name of the one I gave the blog to. But no. The first name that came to my mind was different.

Now I know that "my answer" would always be the one regret in life that I'll never really get totally over. He was the one that got away. I'd probably stick by my original decision and stand by what is right then but I know if things were different then, I wouldn't have let go.

na moo moody lang ata ako as maan would say.

One happy thought though--a friend of mine is getting married and I'm so happy for her. It's her story to tell so I'd leave the announcing to her. I realized now that things really do happen for a reason. And though the reasons may sound weird at first, eventually it will all clear itself out.

A slight detour...

I guess the saying is true that great dreams often entail great trials. I thought the road was over but unfortunately there was a slight detour. And as much as I want to get pissed and mad about it, there's nothing really I can do but follow the convuluted system. I guess it just sounded so mundane to be worrying about page numbers and italicized words when what is written can never change. Oh well. It's part of the idiosyncracies of life I guess--- now I wonder, is this part of the reason why a lot of psych people turn out to be neurotics?! haha.

But this slight delay did prove one thing-- that I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. My sister to this minute is slaving over the revisions of the revisions even if she has no idea what the hell APA is. My mom even drove her to school just to get things done. Maan graciously printed it all and will still help print it again. Ella has been keeping me sane. Without these people, I don't think I'll ever make.

Trials they say will point out to you who are really there to stick by your side. And in the end these people are the ones who are worth ending each day with a smile.

And they also make me miss home more.

The End of the long road travelled

It took me 355 days to be exact to finish revising my dissertation. I think my mom and my sister were so frustrated already at the snail paced way I did it that they stopped talking to me about it. Some would probably say I was crazy to let so much time go to waste. Maybe I was indeed a fool but it was a choice I made. I was not ready to finish it yet. No matter how I tried I just couldn't write anything until a few weeks ago.

Maybe it was burnout. After all I did the almost impossible feat of finishing my dissertation while doing my clinical internship and working at the same time. Add that to my ever active social life that included 4 nights of playing badminton and several nights of drinking sessions with friends.

Maybe it was the challenge. I've always been a crammer and I've yet to submit something that I have never crammed. I'm actually good at it. In fact I can probably right a book on "cramming for dummies" and it would probably be a bestseller.

Maybe because somewhere along the road I lost my heart for it. I don't know how to explain it but I guess I realized while doing my dissertation that life was more than research and school. It wasn't because I didn't love school but it was because I realized that there was more to life out there. I remember arguing with my mom about it one december night when I told her that I was just so tired. She told me to give up badminton so I could finish my work. But I told her it was my work that I need to put on hold first. I could understand her concern and I didn't want to disappoint her and all those rooting for me so I threaded on. But I guess after my defense my spirit wasn't there anymore.

So it took me 355 days. Was it worth it? Yes and no. No because I did waste a lot of time. And because of that I won't be able to march in graduation with my friends. As much as I would love to, I don't know how I could fly back and forth from Malaysia to manila in under 24 hours.

But it was worth it still because in 355 days I lived a good life. There were many losses all over and heartaches abound but there were the good days too. And they outweighed the bad. Who would have thought that in 355 days I would find my way here in Malaysia living a life that I've only imagined doing several years ago.

In the end, I did it. I fulfilled my promise. I took several detours along the way but I did it still.

In my dissertation there is a portion there called acknowledgements. I am reprinting the entire thing here in whole.

The famous endocrinologist, Hans Selye, once said, “To make a great dream come true, the first requirement is a great capacity to dream; the second is persistence- a faith in the dream.” This is a fulfillment of not just a lifelong dream but a promise made thirteen years ago when I was seriously ill with ITP. Through the years of battling chronic illness, I strived hard to be brave. And I would not have made it if it were not for the love of all these people.

To Mommy, Vesper, and my best friend Ella for their never ending love and support through the years and for believing in me even if I sometimes disappoint them. To my four legged babies, especially Oliver and Datu, who taught me that love knows no bounds.

To all those who in one way or another shared in my journey through the highs and lows of life-- “p10,” Cha, Weevens, Maan, Ces, Cara, Denden, Oliver, Mimo, Mardet, Fr. Ben, Lyzet, Obeng, Chin, Bambi, Aldwin, Kim, Merly, Jeff, Tita Sansu, Elma, Tita Nitz, Phen, Beth, Doc Eva, Len and George, Luis and Byo, Camacho Family, Pamilya Badminton--Tito Noel, Tita Nel, Kei and Rb, Jesse, Charles, Ann and Classmate Adrian. Thank you for the love and support.

To my doctors, Dr. Cavilles⁺, Dr. Yuzon and Dr. Liza Naranjo for restoring my faith in the health system and for patiently taking care of me through the years.

To my adviser, Dr. Isabel Melgar and to my mentor Fr. Jaime Bulatao, for believing in my dreams and pushing me to strive beyond mediocrity and soar to greater heights.

To Daddy and Peter, who taught me that rainbows do come after the rain.

My Sincerest gratitude also goes to my panelists-Dr. Emy Liwag, Fr. Nilo Tanalega,SJ, Dr. Liane Alampay, and Dr. Lota Teh for their wisdom and kindness.

Most of all to Mary Grace and Adam, co-warriors and friends, who taught me the true meaning of courage by valiantly fighting aplastic anemia and leukemia respectively till the end.

Believe in your power to create miracles. Thank you for your gifts of love.

Visitors from Manila

Hosted my first set of visitors from Manila after moving to my new house. Bel, my former badminton tropa in Marikina came by with 8 friends. We went around KL and got to have our mini reunion in my new place as well. Bel, Grace, and Deys stayed with me for two nights while the rest of the gang stayed at the hotel in KL. We we're quite a showbiz bunch since they had an "artista" with them. I must say she looked intimidating and mataray at first but after meeting Atin, she was okay naman pala. She was quite friendly in fact. My guy friends were all egging me to introduce them to her (sana pala ginawa naming business!hahaha).

Anyway here are some of our pictures....


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Long Day

I had a long day today. Some would probably think that I don't do anything at work given my flexible schedule but today was quite tiring. I arrived at work early-- 830 am, an hour earlier than office schedule. I checked my personal emails then when 930 came I started working on my office mails. Had a bunch of emails from Tom and Angeli so worked on that the entire morning. I needed to do some market research and thanks to the wonderful invention called the world wide web I was able to get the much needed information in no time. It was a matter of plugging in the right key words. It looked easy but by the end of the day my eyes were already tired.

So when I finally got home I was so fatigued that I slept like a baby for several hours. Di daw ako magising at all. I woke up at 11pm already. I missed dinner na. If I wasn't afraid of getting hungry I would have slept na lang the whole night. But since there's nothing much you can buy here in the mornings, I decided to eat before I retire again. We went to the mamak stall nearby to eat our ever staple maggi goreng ayam. Bumped into Glenn, Obet and Ann so it was an impromptu reunion na din. :)

Now I'm back here in my room trying to download the ginebra championship games from youtube. Grabe! my ever favorite barangay is in the championship again. Parang kelan lang I was such an addict to their games. Kaya kahit dito sa Malaysia nakikicheer pa din eto.

Once a kabaranggay, always a kabaranggay.

Kung hei Fat Choi

I celebrated chinese new year for the first time in my life this year. Usually I just celebrate it vicariously through the boxes of tikoy that come my way every chinese new year. This year being in a country where it is celebrated more than christmas, I actually got to experience the real chinese new year.

We had long weekend-- 4 days in all. I was sick most of the weekend due to a bout with UTI but it was fun still. On saturday I went to see Ghost Rider at the midvalley mall. Nicholas Cage did justice to the role and I enjoyed the movie. I didn't like the scary scenes though. I also got to buy a new pair of sandals at Studio R. It was on sale so I couldn't resist. After the short shopping trip it was off to home for our weekly badminton game. Since it was the holidays only 4 people showed up. Another one made habol after an hour so it was one tiring game for us.

Sunday I woke up late and after a short brunch in Mcdo and some grocery shopping at Carrefour, we were off to Marisa's place for a bbq. It was raining horribly in puchong that afternoon but it did not stop us from eating some of the yummiest food ever. Marisa and Mike hosted the dinner and prepared four kinds of bbq. Then we (Charles, Jesse and I) made afritada (Ay correction si jesse lang pala... kami ni charles, observers) which was also a hit to our new friends. Bala and Natasha were late due to some unexpected visitors. They brought with them Bala's pork dish which was spicy but absolutely yummy. We joked that it was a fusion of different races bonded together by food--Iranian, Malaysian, Indian, Chinese, and Pinoy. Talk about ethnic diversity.

We got drunk (or rather they did--I couldn't drink coz I was on antibiotics) and pigged out (I contributed a lot here!). We laughed a lot and shared so many stories. Marisa and I even exchanged movies downloaded over the net. We left at around 11pm. Philip brought us back to Sri Petaling which was so nice of him since it was raining once more.

When we got home the SB boys Obet and Glenn were having a drinking session with Ann so we stopped by their place as well. We brought them our take home bbq for pulutan.

On Monday I bummed around Ann's place with Obet. We watched the NBA all stars live at ESPN. I haven't seen a real NBA game in a long time and was very disappointed the way the game played out. Not that I loved the eastern conference guys but I hated the fact that they lost so dismally. Almost 30 points in all! By third quarter when the lead balooned to 31, the players were not playing basketball anymore. It became an exhibition of dunks and all those incredible shots that you wouldnt dare attempt in a normal game. There was no defense at all. corny. I ended up sleeping.

The night was capped with a good ol meal of sinigang. Our disappointing lunch at Rajah's pushed me to think of something nice for dinner so i decided to cook. Home cooked meals pa din ang the best. Nothing compares to it.

Yesterday I basically rested and went around KLCC a bit. I wasn't feeling well so I went home early. I went out na lang uli late in the afternoon for dinner by the pool.

Now its back to work.. Ang hirap din pala to be on holidays in a place far from home... Walang Ella na kagimik. Walang classmate na pwedeng kulitin. Most of all Walang tindahang bukas! hahaha.

What if?

I had a nice talk with a friend yesterday and we talked about her accident and other stuffs. Amidst everything there was a question that burned in my thoughts for hours--what if? She asked herself that-what if she died in the accident?

Oftentimes we ask ourselves that question. What if? What if we chose differently? What if we could relive times in the past? What if we decided to look the other way? What if we decided to leave? Lots of what ifs.

I remember the story of jamie in a walk to remember and how she made a list of things she wanted to do before she died. She didn't have what if's in her system. She made sure that she never had what ifs.

But unlike my namesake jamie, I do have my own set of what ifs. Talking to jom made me think of one of them last night. And till today I am still thinking of it. What if. But at the back of my mind I know what's past is past and all we have is the future. So I'll try to thread on and forget the once upon a time what if's.

I enjoyed our talk last night. Been a while since I've been to a girltalk. I kinda miss it na rin pala. I texted ella today and told her how I missed having her around.I miss having my bestfriend around.

I guess I simply miss home.

Valentines' Eat All You Want

To some valentines is all about flowers and hearts and all those mushy stuff. And to others its about lamenting why they are virtually single in a world where 4Billion people live. As the years go by, I've often approached valentines with a light heart. I never really hated valentines despite being single coz I've always found ways to enjoy it. I think it was two years ago when I started to wear red on v-day just to make a point that valentines' was not to be dreaded for the unattached. I found it very amusing how people would stare at me while I was walking. hehe..

Yesterday was Valentines' day. If my mom hadn't went into labor early, I would have been born on valentine's day. Kaso sabi ko, buti na lang din kasi pag valentine's ako pinanganak bukod sa kabirthday ko si kris aquino, lugi pa ko kasi isa lang ang gift ko for my birthday and valentines' hahaha.

I celebrate the hearts' day by downloading stuff from the internet (hahaha) while working on my revisions (another hahaha) and eating at hartz chicken-- malaysia's eat all you can place. I didn't expect anything special for v day so when jesse told me we'd eat out I looked forward to it. Good food, great company-- what more can you ask for?

The place looked like a cross between wendy's and kenny rogers. And the chicken taste almost like jollibee (the crispy ones) and andok's (the roasted ones). There were 4 buffet tables. The first one had an array of salads and fruits. There was also soup. I tried the vegetable soup which tasted great. The next table housed the chicken--all kinds--crispy, spicy, roasted, fried gizzard, liver, potato skins, potato wedges, onion rings, assorted breads and muffins, etc. The third one had the weirder foods-- mashed potato and the weird gravy, casseroles, curry, rice. I didn't venture to that table much except to try the mashed potato. The fourth one had the desserts. They actually had those ice cream vendo machines like in mcdonalds. The ice cream was good, although the brownies tasted dry. I liked the cookies most of all.

By the time we stood up and left the table I was so full I could barely breathe. At one point my pants' buttons popped coz i was holding my breathe for so long. We walked around the mall a bit before heading home and meeting up with the real estate agent. I was sooo sleepy in the LRT dahil sa kabusugan.

So that was my valentines' day.. I learned yesterday what valentines is all about. It's not about roses and hearts and all the romantic trimmings. It's not even about the places that gets all filled up because of the day.

It's about spending it with the people who make you laugh and believe that the world is still a beautiful place to live in despite its craziness.

It's about hope that at the end of the day, all of us will eventually have someone who will make us smile.

After A While

A long time ago I chanced upon this poem in a book. It reminded of what was it like to love and how we should love at all times.

I know that there are times when loving someone becomes difficult and that we are bound to get hurt from time to time. Then you realize that after a while you learn..that life does go on...

AFTER A WHILE (Veronica Shoftshall, 1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Then After "after a while" you change and build your hopes again. And pray that maybe this time it will be different. And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have..

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.

Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses

And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an
armor

With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise

Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait..

***
this is for all of us who patiently waits
It will be worth the wait... keep the faith.

Celebrating life at 30

None of my original plans about how I was going to celebrate my 3oth birthday came true. And although it may sound terrible it wasn't that at all. I realized that in the end I got to celebrate my birthday in the most perfect way--spending it with people who made me smile.

My celebration started at midnight at the Bakuteh stall where I had late dinner with jesse and we waited for midnight. I was born at 12:35am so when my watch finally registered that time, my birthday officially began. We pigged out on beer, sate and of course bakuteh. Kinalimutan ang cholesterol! I didn't exactly picture myself to be in a foreign country when I turned 30 but I guess life has its way of bringing you to places where you are meant to be taken.

I opened my mail when I got home and I had a surprise from my mom and sister who made this cute powerpoint presentation featuring my baby Polie and Pochay. I miss my cats so much and seeing them sitting on top my car sure did bring tears to my eyes.

I was supposed to cook dinner for friends but unfortunately plans went a bit haywire. I was disappointed at first but of course it never ruined my day as it was my birthday. I was so intent on enjoying every minute of it. After all, turning 30 for someone like me is a miracle by itself. As I told my friend that night I never imagined that I would ever reach this age--not because I was only 16 then and 30 seemed so far away but because literally I wasn't well enough then to even get past 16. And now 14 years later, I am still here. Surviving, living and happy.

The whole day I was in the city walking around and doing some window shopping. I was able to go to church and say my prayers. I was even able to see a nice art exhibit at the petronas galeries called "Voyage"-- how fitting the title isn't it? My life has indeed been one interesting voyage. I dropped by the office for a time and said hello to steve. Went online to chat before heading back again to KLCC where I watched "the holiday" with jesse. It was a nice feel good movie.Quite long but very nice. I loved how the characters had each their own weirdness which I could identify with--cameron diaz's super strong persona, jude law's romanticism, kate winslett's martyrdom and jack black's comic comments. It was a movie about love and how it can come from the most unlikely places. The movie lasted for a little over 2 hours. My movie partner kept teasing me for being a crybaby--I couldn't help not crying after Jude law cried on screen?!!

Prior to the movie we had dinner at secret recipe where I got to have my birthday cake of chocolate indulgence and mocha walnut. We even ordered lasagna since I didn't get to cook it that day. hehe.. I loved the cakes. Super yummy.

After the movie we took a walk in the park. A couple of weeks ago I wrote here how I pictured the perfect birthday celebration to be a picnic in the park. I didn't have a picnic but the walk was perfect enough. We had coffee from starbucks and a nice moonlight on the side. You could see the park light up from the glitters of petronas towers and the fountain was in full glory. What else could I ask for? I may not have had a party this year but honestly, it turned out to be even better. I passed by a wishing well during our walk and despite my wanting to make a wish that night, I couldn't think of anything to wish for. What I had for my birthday was more than enough. It was a birthday to remember.

The birthday may have had some tense moments because of some issues at hand but nothing could beat the events that came after it. I realized that I didn't need a party to make my birthday special. Everything became perfect the way it was. And that makes me happy and grateful.

The day reminded me of a song Ves and I loved to play from the broadway musical Sunset Boulevard. The lyrics are these...

I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be
The perfect year

Thank you for making the year start perfectly.

The Day Before The Big Day

In less than 24 hours I will turn 30 years old. Some people dread the big three-oh I guess because it points to the sad reality that 1/3 of your life is over. But for someone like me who once thought that life was ending at 4, making it to the big three oh is something worth being thankful for.

I nearly died when I was four years old. When my ITP was discovered life completely became different for me. I learned the harsh reality that life could end for me at anytime. So I grew up kind of afraid that things I liked to do might eventually harm my fragile body. My parents became very protective of me and I led a very protected life. After all I was only 4. Life hasn't even begun for me.

When I was 16 I nearly died again. I was rushed to the hospital for severe hemorrhage. I had to be transfused with blood and platelets. My parents could not find blood donors because none were available and the blood that I needed only came hours later. Then while I was going through transfusion, my body went on a severe allergic reaction and I nearly died again. I remember telling my mom my final "habilins" like asking her to take care of my cats and saying sorry to my then best friend whom I had a falling out with. That was my worst relapse ever. Few people knew of a bargain I made that fateful night. When I was slowly losing my ability to breathe I was praying to God for some relief. A few hours later I woke up and saw the sunrise and that was when I made my bargain with him.

I asked God to grant me some more time so I could make a difference in this world. And after that I'd gladly go with him. And I even gave him a time frame-- thirty years old. And that bargain is supposed to end tomorrow.

I know it's morbid to talk of death a day before your birthday. But I guess that helps frame why I've lived my life this way for the past 14 years. I've been literally living on borrowed time so I guess that made me more aware of the things I wanted to do. That is also why I seem to live in such a hurried life.

Imagine to cram everything you want to do in 14 years. And I've literally done that. That's why finishing my phd before I turned thirty was that important. Coz that was part of my promise to God.

So am I ready now? Yes. There are still other stuffs and dreams I'd like to do like go to Italy or visit the alps. And perhaps even have my own family. But if God were to ask for my end of the bargain now, I'll be happy to say yes.

He gave me so much the past 14 years already and making it to my thirtieth birthday (well almost na) is enough to be thankful for. He has given me 14 beautiful years already and I am glad for that.

So have I fulfilled my promise to make that difference? I hope so. Or at least I tried my best to do so. There were three things that I asked him for time to do: First was I wanted to make sure that my family would be okay. Second I wanted to finish my phd. And third I wanted to learn how was it to love.

My mom and my sister are okay now. We're not perfect but we've been happy. We went through so much as a family the past 6 years years but we managed to more than survive--we managed to live a happier life. I've learned to also forgive the man who nearly broke our spirit and learned to accept that my beloved daddy is simply gone. In a way I am thankful for that loss. Because he taught me the best lesson of my life-- that no matter how bad things become, you have a choice to wallow in hatred or learn to love.

My mom raised me and my sister well. She taught us how to love always and to forgive but to always remember that sometimes in life the people whom you thought you could count on the most are the ones who will also break your heart. As for my dad, I am still grateful for him coz he showed me how I could be a better person despite everything. By leaving he gave us the chance to live.

I earned my phd. I earned it in record time. I now only have to make if fully official with the submission of my revisions.

In 14 years I've loved, lost, loved again, lost again, and loved again. In 14 years I learned to keep my faith in God and my faith in people. And most of all I made someone smile. Ella once told me that we seem to be magnets for complications. I guess it's because God knows that we have that much faith in people. And maybe that's our fault--we trust so much in the good of people. But I guess I'd rather have that blind faith than live a life of paranoia and distrust.

So tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday. I wish my family and friends were here. I wish I could wake up to the site of polie sleeping beside me on the bed and hearing his baboy like meow. I wish I could blow candles from my traditional birthday cake from shoppersville. I wish I could have that picnic at the bel field again. And most of all I wish I could have my birthday lunch out with ella.

But what the heck, kahit wala pa ang mga trimmings na yon, I am still going to celebrate my birthday.

Good bye 29, hello thirty..

Tama si mariel... mapapaisip ka talaga ng husto when the day comes nearer.

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I got this nice email from trina.. I thought it was beautiful..

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Early Birthday Gift

Gave myself an early birthday present (and a belated christmas one) yesterday. Bought a new phone! I have been thinking of getting a new one for some time now but never really found the chance (and the budget) to do so. So after months of wishing and wondering, I finally found my new baby in the form of nokia's 7373. The phone is part of their La Amour collection and it's an improved version of the old 7370 (now it has 2 megapixel camera, expandable memory and a music player that plays mp3s and mp4s). Cool. It's so tiny and so feminine that my old 6600 looked like a bulky phone. I wanted the pink version originally but it cost so much more kaya I settled for the stylish bronze black na lang.

I was out shopping the whole day yesterday since it was a holiday in Selangor and KL. I went to the Pertama Complex and bought a fresh tube of shuttlecocks and had charles' raquet restrung. Then I went to Sungwei Wang and Low Yat in search of my new phone. It was fun walking around on my own in search for my elusive new toy. So when I finally closed the deal in Low Yat I was so happy. I decided to have late lunch at KLCC so I can have a view of the park while I toyed with my new phone. I didnt realize the time coz it took me almost three hours to migrate my phonebook to my new phone. Whew! At least I wasn't bored. I took a quick look at times bookshop before I met up with Jesse for his dinner treat. He took me to chillis and we pigged out on salad and pasta. I was so full after! Calories to burn once more!!!

I was dead tired when I got home I literally fell asleep immediately after my head hit the pillow. I didnt even to get to read my text messages until it was early morning already.

Today is the start of our class for OHSL. No weekends for me for the next two weeks. Ouch!

The Almost Perfect Day

Have you ever experienced a day that was almost perfect? It's a day that starts out just like any ordinary day--you don't expect anything grand to happen and like any other day, you simply go on living it. Yet somehow something happens in the midst of the day that makes the simplicty seem simply perfect. And then you know, that the day is not just an ordinary day anymore but a day that will always be remembered.

That was how friday felt. It started out just like any other day but at the end of it all, I was dead tired but happy. I was able to see the things I loved to see and explore my favorite site of all-- the zoo. I guess I never really outgrew that love of mine--seeing animals roam in a park. I went to Negara Zoo with Jesse and it was an experience I'll always cherish. Got to see my favorite animals--the bears and despite the snobbish nature of the lions and tigers (lahat tulog) I still enjoyed seeing them. I loved the giraffes and I had a grand time remembering my old running joke of how the giraffe had two legs. Hey we even saw a kangaroo.

Some people ask what makes me happy.. And I say this to them always--when i see the people I love happy and when I get to go to the places that makes me smile. The zoo has somehow always been the constant place in this world that never fails to make me smile. Be it malabon zoo or the infamous san diego zoo in california--it never fails to me happy. My mom told me that my eyes literally lit up when we went to see the singapore zoo last year. There's something comforting about being in the zoo-- I guess it's because you know that despite the struggles of life there is still that one place on earth where animals live without whim or care about such insanities-- where zebras and leche leche's roam freely with the salamanders, hippos, giraffes, and deers; where animals live in harmony and in peace.

It was the almost perfect day-- I called it almost coz I guess no day goes by without hitches (erring taxis and the heat to name a few). But at the end of it all, it was still perfect for me. I was asleep by 9pm because of fatigue.I was snoring but what the heck.. I had a beautiful time.

And I am grateful to the one who made the day possible. :) Thank you.

At the End of the Day...

It's been a long day today..Work finally picked up and I was left feeling breathless. Had some last minute applications to go through and worked on an impromptu presentation tomorrow as well.

Melissa is right when she said our work is like bouts with rains here.. when it comes it really pours. With the OHSL programme openning this saturday things are a little bit crazy. Angeli flew in last friday so she's on campus din to do her lectures. It was nice to have someone share my office today coz at least its not so quiet anymore. At the same time it was kinda weird to have someone notice all the other stuff I usually do when I'm "pretending" to work.haha.

Didn't particularly enjoy lunch as we had to share the resto with the business people and the big bosses. Nakakailang na they are there looking at us. Nahahalatang matakaw ako.hahaha.

Last night I actually snored while sleeping (well sabi sa kin I was...). Maybe it was fatigue. This always happen to me when I'm anticipating a big event such as the start of a new class. Psychosomatic I guess.

Anyway I can't wait for friday. I have a nice day planned out. Actually planned for me... Can't wait to see the zoo.

Now it's time to rest..

At the end of the day, it's nice to be able to just sit back and relax and not think..
At the end of the day, it's nice to know that somewhere out there, there's someone thinking nicely of you.

Ouch...

My three day badminton bonanza took its toll last night when I pulled a muscle in my thigh. It's quite painful to walk right now especially when I'm going up and down the stairs. My leg started to cramp after our first game yesterday against the thais so I rested for a while. However the challenge of the game was irresistable so I still played. Charles and I partnered against Joe and another thai kid. The matches were quite even as the scores stood still for several rallies. Each set last over half an hour so just imagine the pain my leg was going through. After the games (we won the last set) I was ready to collapse on my feet.

Pulled enough energy back to muster my strength to go eat at the mamak with the guys. Nag volt in muli in our favorite place to be--kinrara. Had maggi goreng ayam once more. Yummy! I shared some of the calories to my dieting partner (ayaw daw niya kumain). We all called it an early night as everyone was tired.

My leg is still bothering me a bit. But it helped that got a nice relaxing massage last night. I can walk easily now. I only have a hard time going up the stairs.

It's so quiet here on campus and my two lone companions are my desktop and my laptop. Grabe nakakaantok!

Not so Lazy Sunday.. and more SB adventures

It's sunday again. The last day of the week to rest and rejuvinate.

I was up early today. Slept at Ann's last night coz she wanted to watch heroes on my laptop. Jesse and I had breakfast together before heading off to mass at St. John's. Ella was teasing me about my going to church since I hardly go when I was still based in Manila. At least mom was very happy to hear that I went to mass. I guess part of me just wanted to say thank you for all the blessings I've been receiving lately. It's been a while since I have been happy and after everything that went through in my life the past months, I'm grateful that I've been blessed with so many gifts.

I felt a bit of deja vu at St. Johns. There were so many pinoys. Even the menu in the makeshift carinderia was pinoy. We had menudo and giniling and sort-of adobo. It felt as if I was transported back home. Everytime someone talked in tagalog I couldn't help but swerve my head a bit. While waiting for the mass Jesse and I chatted and joked about how pinoy Dh's dressed in full regale. Sobrang sosyal. I couldn't help but tease him too when he would pull down the hem of my skirt everytime my knee slightly showed. haha. It was so funny coz he was more conscious than me. I guess I'm not used to being girlie girlie here in KL. Even back home I've never been your typical girl. Sabi nga ni mommy, anak pag girl ang look, act like a girl..hahaha..

After mass I went off to walk a bit and then went home. Have to do my laundry naman. My housemate/landlady has this notion that we should pool all our laundry items into one giant load before doing the laundry to save water daw. anak ng tinapa kaya ang dami ko tuloy labada! imagine 1.5 weeks worth of clothes. buti na lang i finally figured out the washing machine. now if only our iron was better.. i havent ironed any clothes since i got back last jan. pang weight lifter ba naman yung plantsa dito.

Right now I'm waiting for my second load of laundry to finish. Killing some time by chatting online. How I wish ganito na lang dito sa house dito--me, myself, and I. Walang weirdo housemates. haha.

***

The SB had another TGIF event last friday courtesy of Boy Brochito I think.. Our official drink--Balakov Vodka and orange juice were the mix of the night. I arrived late as I came from badminton at petaling jaya. Fortunately dinner was waiting for me when I got to our official tambayan (Thank you!!!). After quickly downing my dinner of pancit, I joined in the group who were already drinking the night away.

For the second time in history I actually got drunk. I wasn't dead drunk but I was tipsy. I guess the fatigue finally got to me again. Add that to the fact that Obet and Charles were giving me extra high drinks pag tagay ko na. Buti na lang may taga agaw ako kaso nahuhuli eh saka siya din may tama na. I fell asleep leaning on Jesse's shoulders after a while. I tried to purge much of the alcohol inside the cr but of course I still had way too much to drink. So I just slept. By the time I woke up it was time to move out of our tambayan and go home. I could hear everyone's voices while walking home but I was way too sleepy to say my goodbyes.

It was a nice drinking session. Everyone had a good time. Despite almost everyone being drunk or half drunk, we maintained a semblance of decorum. Imagine di kami kinatok ng endah villa guard for a change!hahaha.Sabi ni charles, pinagbigyan na lang daw siguro kami since we haven't been noisy for a long time. hahaha. We had some newbies with us--ruby, the newest baby of the group plus tina's two sisters--marisa and ikai. Irving was our clown of the night and Charles became the newest tangero (kaso madaya!hahaha). Diomer had to pass every now and then (baka bumalik ang sakit!) and Jesse was back to normal--tinulugan din kami. hehehe. Nahawa nga ata ako.

What was missed was the mamak tradition though. No one had the energy to even move and walk to Kinrara, the place to be. Someone cooked maggi soup though kaya parang nasa mamak na rin kami. When I was given a cup to drink, as much as I wanted to drink it, I couldnt coz I felt like throwing up anytime (sounds so familiar. hahaha). Jesse forced me to take some para mawala daw ang amats ko. So I took a few sips before giving up and falling asleep again.

Tama si Jom, we may look like pathetic people with our vices that are meant to kill the body. But we are not completely patapon. In fact we do pretend to be normal during mornings and late afternoons when we have to do our extra curricular activities called work. I guess at the end of the day we all just want to shed our business suits and be back to our old crazy selves. And when you're in a strange country with nothing much to do, these get togethers can spell the thin line between going crazy due to boredom and homesickness and suicide. hahaha.

Another weekend almost over. Next week is a busy week ahead. I'll actually work for a change. Sabi nga ni charles, magtrabaho ka naman! hahaha..

Thoughts in the Park

Walked along KLCC park yesterday evening on my way home from work. I wanted to take some time off to relax and let my mind wander a bit. Had a long day and I could feel my head getting heavier so I gave in to my inner need to just get lost for a while. On days when I'm feeling out of my synched self, I do this--just do some "me" time.

While walking around the park I noticed how people clump together in small subgroups and that you'd realize how certain people go together. It's like in that movie Love Actually where in an airport you'll see so many forms of love going around. In a park, you can see so many forms of people (or should I say kinds?) of people walking and going about. Since I was by myself I thought I'd observe them a bit.

Inside the park there are several types of people going about

1. the families--they bring with them their little kids and usually stay near the fountains or the playground. Most of the moms spend time wandering with their kids in the swings while the dads smoke or sit in the benches.
2. the lovebirds--obviously the park is riddled with them--those couples who are so engrossed in each other without care or notice that they are in a public place; those wanting a cheap but utterly romantic date. You see them scattered in the remotest areas of the park usually arms entwined or heads bowed while whispering in silence. One can't help but envy them when you're by yourself coz they look so happy. (there's a small subgroup though--the fighting lovebirds--the ones who create drama in the park.haha)
3. the exercise buffs-- People who prefer the natural gym over high tech places like fitness first. The jog, do yoga, stretch, and even run around the park. They have have a world of their own and would give you a stern bwiset look when you accidentally jump into their jogging path. They come in all sizes and shapes.
4. the groupies-- groups of tourists or locals who flock the park like birds out to migrate. They walk slowly and with their cameras in tow like no one else is walking behind them. I call them the field trip people. Some gossip while sitting around. Some just joke around. Back in UP we called them "the freshies" in reference to the 1st year people who flock around in groups.
5.the tourists & passersby-- the lone tourist and the passerby-- the ones who usually go to the park as a way to get to another area of the city. They carry backpacks and cameras (sometimes), and walk either too fast or too slow. Some take time to stop and take pictures or ask locals for directions while others just briskly go about their way without admiring the beauty of nature around them.
6. the guys--pairs of guys just hanging around. Yesterday there was this pair who was quite interesting to look at--one guy was crying his heart out while the other was comforting him. Siguro iniwan ng girlfriend haha. chismosa!
7. the girls--pairs of girls just hanging around--a.k.a. the best friends
8. the loners (a.k.a. munimuni people)-- yesterday i belonged to this category. you can also call us the closet boy abunda's and kris aquino-- mga taong nakikichizmiss sa buhay ng iba while reflecting on our lives. People who just want to walk around the park a bit to regroup their sense of self. They look lost at times and can be sometimes mistaken for a tourist passing by but when you take a closer look, they actually go there by choice. And most of the time they are in deep thought.
9. the sleepers-- people who go to the park to sleep either because they are too tired or they are homeless. nakakainggit sila coz they look so relaxed without a care in the world.

You see there are lots of mixes of people in the park. The reasons why they stay in the park can also be quite unique. Each has his own agenda--to relax, enjoy the sights, take a shortcut, meet a loved one, break up with someone, get back with someone, etc. One thing they all have in common though is that they come to the park with their dreams and wishes. They come to the park to find some missing part in their lives and escape reality for a while. For when you're inside a park-- the world is stress free. The world is your apple and for a brief moment you're completely at bliss.

People come to the park in the hope that when they do get back to the real world, things will be better once again.

***

I took down a part of my previous blog. I didn't know that it hurt a friend so I decided to take it down. I didn't mean it that way so part of my way of saying sorry is removing it. You're right we are not perfect. :) I'm sorry if it made you feel bad. Didn't mean it that way. Thank you for telling me.