Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday Afternoon

"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. I never said there wouldn’t be tears, I just promised to be there if there was. I never said it would be true love, I only said you’d know if it was. I never promised it would be forever, I only said to love unconditionally and generously with no recognition of time. I never said to hold on at all costs, I only said one day you’d have to let go and be free. I never said you’d get the rainbow without getting through the rain, I only said the sun is always brighter than the storm. I never said you wouldn’t cry, or feel like your heart had died. I never said you wouldn’t change inside. And if I had, I’d have lied."

I've been having these mini conversations with moof lately about life, love and the great big questions of life. I guess we've both been wanting answers to questions and more than anything else we've both been trying to figure out what's in store for us in the future.

Moof asked me last week how come I hope so much. How come despite everything I still remain hopeful. I really don't know how to answer her question. She's been telling me to fuck hope (yup! the cynic and the dreamer are good friends) and I guess in some ways I've become more cynical these days. But I guess moof was also right when she said, that despite my moments of seeming cynicism, I will never fully cross over to the dark side. ;)

Moof told me today that believing in hope is dangerous because hope can make you fall. Out of the blue I said, that's thing-- you need to trust in life enough to know that when you fall somebody will be out there who will catch you.

Maybe it was caused by having way too much maggie goreng ayam or roti chennai and roti tissue.. or maybe uncle drugged the teh ice and teh o ice limau, but I guess no matter how I really tell to myself that reality is a good thing-- i will always remain hopeful. Because Hope is a good thing. Hope is everything.

Once upon a time I told my one of my friends that the day I give up hope is the day I die. Maybe that's why I hold on to it with everything that I can. Because someday I hope that everything will be worth it. That all these crap and fucked up moments will be worth it. I need to believe in that.

I'm watching the rains pour from my bedroom window and I silently reflect about my weekend. And I find myself smiling. I learned to accept the reality of living in the moment and taking forever as a construct of time. Forever doesn't necessarily mean its never ending-- forever lasts as long as we want me to be.

Somehow this post may not make sense but it speaks a lot of my thoughts for the day. Life continues for me and I am learning day by day to live in the "hope" filled life I choose amidst the struggles of reality that I am in.

And my mini debates with moof will continue for as long as we both have the courage to face our fears and be willing to share our joys.

kasi nga moof.. hope is good..and even if hope causes you to fall, it always floats :)