Thursday, December 29, 2005

What makes you want to wake up...

From Cha's blog...the question was: what really makes you want to wake up in the morning? whatever you answer to that is what you should direct your efforts at. that's where you should go.

I like to read cha's blog. It always have some words of wisdom that drives me to reflect and think about my own life.

What does make me want to get up every morning? I wish I could provide a simple answer to that but the risk of getting permanently barred from the house is keeping me from doing so. But I do know the answer. The moment I read Cha's blog, I knew right away what was my answer to that eternal question. I've always known the answer. I just wish I have the guts to voice it out publicly.

Maybe that is what's wrong with me. Maybe I think to much. Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I just ought to act and do whatever makes me want to still wake up.

I wake up each morning with the hope that one morning i'd wake up and everything will fall in its rightful place. Toni once remarked that I had the patience of a saint. No I don't. I just do what I have to do.

Sana simple lang lahat.

But to bring back cha's word's of wisdom again, Kelan ba naman namin ginusto ang simple?


After 18 years I had my first tooth extraction yesterday. It wasn't as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it wasn't painful at all. It actually came as a surprise that I didn't feel anything. I was expecting the worst. I was a walking nervous wreck all the way to george's clinic. But the moment doc wit art injected that skin test of lidocaine, I knew it was gonna be okay. The entire thing was over in less than 15 minutes. More than 24 hours later I still have to feel the pain.

Of course there are the hitches. My wound didnt stop bleeding until 7am today. And I'm currently feverish. All considered normal given my abnormal conditions. Hopefully the bleeding won't return or else I'd find myself back to the ER again.

One of my biggest fears in life is going to the dentist. 20 years ago, a botched procedure made me fear dentists for life. The sound of the drill or the mere mention of any dental procedure terrifies me. One time I even kicked a dentist who tried to look at my teeth. ouch! It took more than a year of psychological (and physiological din) preparations to get this extraction done. And if not for george and his funny faces, I would not have gone through it at all.

Now I only hope that my fever recedes soon. I'm bored to death here at home. I miss badminton.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Blessings of Christmas

party05012anongbawaluminom-copy.jpg'Last night I celebrated noche buena with the Angeles Family. Funny how a bunch of strangers turned out to be almost family. They had gifts overflowing under their christmas tree. Laughter was everywhere that I found myself reminiscing of the olden days when my christmasses were filled with such laughter as well. When I was a kid we used to go home to Davao for Christmas and I get to bond with my cousins there. Papa Ernie used to dress up as Santa using giant red japanese papers and cotton balls for a beard. Then he would distribute our gifts one at a time much to our gleeful delight.party05044theboysdaw-copy.jpg'

Gone are those days. We're all old now. Most of my cousins are either abroad or living far away. There are no more family reunions at christmas. And with the events of the past two days,it didn't sound like it was going to be a gleefully delightful xmas as well.
But nevertheless I find myself grateful this Christmas. I realized that I may have lost the old christmas traditions that characterized my youth but I also gained a lot of blessings in the process. And for that I am grateful
This year I received so much blessings that I don't think i'll ever thank enough. I won my first championship in badminton despite losing my racket.

party05028etopoanglasing-copy-copy.jpg'I passed my phd comps. I even got to get off my medications after more than two years. For the first time since Feb 18, 2002 I am actually normal.

party05034winnerkatalagageorge-copy-copy-copy.jpg'I gained a new tropa this year too-- a tropa that would change the way my tths life goes. But perhaps the greatest change and blessing of this year was the friendship I found along the way.v

This year I found a friendship that changed the way I viewed life.
I found a friend who helped me see things in different ways that I can never imagine. This year life became so different but a lot lot happier. I used to be trapped in a world of books and make believe. I didn't have much of a life. I was happy but there was something missing. But this year it became different. party05082ibangposenaman-copy.jpg'

This year I found a friendship that opened a door of adventures and wonder. This year, I found a friendship that made life's struggles worth it-- I found someone who could make me smile even at my most darkest moments; someone who made me the happiest and saddest person at the same time-- someone who made me feel that its okay to be ME and someone who made it appear that it didnt matter whether I had a phd appended to my name or not. Someone actually saw me beyond the perfect persona I tried to create and saw the ordinary girl that lurks behind it all. What made it perfect was the fact that with him, it felt okay just be that ordinary girl.

party05071peterandhazel-copy.jpg' This year I found a friendship that has lasted more than a decade of life changes and growing up. We both grew up this year. In a way, we both refound ourselves despite the messes we went through. And through it all, we were there for each other. Throughout our kulitans and asarans, I found my bliss. And in the process I found me. Through this blessing I realized that what makes me happy is what matters though it may sound crazy to some. And for the first time in my life I finally took the courage to follow my heart. It may sound complicated to some and its actually driving some people nuts but it's actually a simple relationship-- a simple friendship made special by two kindred spirits.

party05041thegirls-copy.jpg'That is the blessing of this christmas. This Christmas and this year, I finally found where I belong. And whereever it may lead, I am just happy that life chose me to be given such a wonderful blessing.

If I were to live 2005 again, I'd choose no other way. I'd still choose the same rugged paths. I wouldn't have 2005 any other way.

Thank you.

Friday, December 23, 2005

My Grown Up Christmas List

I used to pray to Santa every christmas to give me a really nice gift. And years after I discovered that Santa and my parents were one and the same, I still pray for his magic to visit me every christmas time. This year is no different. I still hope that santa will listen and deem me nice enough to give me my christmas list. I do not wish for much now-- gone are the days of barbie dolls and toys. I have a simple wish this christmas-- I wish I could celebrate a christmas without tears.

I wish that I could finally be free from all the sad events that seem to haunt me.
I wish I could finally be free to just be me.
I wish I could make her understand that I am not perfect but I am happy.
I wish I could make her realize that my happiness is may not be happiness for others but its happiness for me
I wish she would understand that my dreams are mine and I can't live hers for me.
I wish I could smile again.
I wish he would call.
I wish I'd win the lotto so that I don't need to go through these crappy things.
I wish I get to finally find the guts to go for my heart's innermost desires and go for it.
I wish he was here.
I wish I finally get to hear the words I've so long to hear.

I had a magical moment last night that made it all worth it. And for that my heart still hopes that maybe one day my grown up list will finally come true.

Well, I'm all grown up now.
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Sleepy Moments

I feel extremely sleepy right now. I want to curl in my bed and just forget about the things I have to do and just rest. ...Practiced for 7 hours yesterday with matching shaddow drills and the dreaded planting rice (or should I say planting shuttlecock). Why do I torture myself? Coz I don't want to look like a fool on sunday. We have another tournament coming up (our last for the year) and although its a fun tournament I don't want to let my partner down. We've always been successful as a partnership and I don't want to break the trend. =) Win or lose, we've always done our best. Kahit pa nung pareho kaming may hangover sa court. hehehe.

Inaantok na talaga ako

Monday, December 12, 2005

Kris Kringle Nights

My vocabulary expanded over the weekend. I never knew that there exists a word such as "kachumba." In truth, there is none-- but out of the blue, the never heard of word was introduced to me by Mark. A by product of being drunk I guess. Not to mention 3 hours of playing badminton nonstop with no rest. The gang's usual weekend.

Over the past three weekends, we've been having kris kringle nights. Gifts cannot exceed 20.00 (Napakadami palang mabibili sa 20 pesos) and it should follow the theme for that week (Something long and hard, something soft & chewy, something hygenic) . For some reason, my "mother" decided to give me an endless supply of mentos. Well at least last night, he/she decided to add on a bar of soap (opened), toothbrush, rejoice and vaseline shampoo sachet (unfortunately allergic ako dun) and a piece of sanitary napkin (wow! alam niya na meron ako!!) to the my weekly supply of mentos. Kaloka. Whoever my "mommy" is, naku! humanda siya sa kin!.. As for my baby, lost child pa din siya.. Di pa rin niya gets na ako ang mom niya (Sino ba naman kasi ang maglalakas loob na mang asar sa yo no?!!!). Pero "he" claims he knows who my "mommy" is. I'm sure gusto na niya akong sapukin sa king mga ever "creative" gifts. hahaha.

The gang set another record last saturday. We stayed up until 4:30 am at Len's just laughing our hearts out and teasing each other to death. I never knew that there exists a person who can't say the letter "r" (Peace mama yen!) . We laughed about the most mundane things. Even just saying each other's name brought about fits of laughter (Petel, geoge, mak, macle, hasel, etc.). Luis called for several timeouts coz he couldn't breathe anymore. Peter didn't have a watch and my celphone and I took a break from each other so no one really bothered to look at the time.

We had our usual menu of food, beer, and asarans. I cooked hotdog, pesto and invented a new cheese dip. Lahat ng absent ginisa. Pati ang present ginisa din... It was a great night indeed. George didn't leave us for one thing. Twitheart made it to the long goodbye session without falling asleep and we finally saw Luis feel tired (siya ang natulog!). We had lengthy discussions about some serious stuff (wish!!) like the great girlie question, "which is the better napkin, non wings or with wings?" Peter even gave us a mini lecture on how to use a tampon (at pano niya alam? ewan!). George also gave a demo on how to use disposable ear currettes (pangtanggal ng tutuli for short). It just shows how bonded our group is that everything is almost an open book about us. Conversations went from one topic to another (nahihilo na nga si partner eh!). And no one was spared from the teasings---Len's "Brrrr", George's "hair" (or lack of it), Mark's "kachumba", Macre's "maam len!", Luis' "ref", Raffy's "T" (yung nawawala!), Peter's "hongdeng razor" (mag shave ka na daw kasi! hehehe) and lots more. Even I had to endure several "hazel" moments.

I can't wait for saturday night once more.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


This morning, my hospital rounds brought me to the ICU once more. Topher was sent there after being brought down to the wards the week before. He celebrated his 12th birthday in the hospital and I wanted to check if he got the gift I sent him. He was jolly despite the gloomy surroundings. But he was also worried because he had blisters all over his wrists and legs. Somehow, he developed an alergic reaction to the micropore tape nurses use to hold his IV lines. Visiting Topher is always a bliss. He's so talkative and cheerful that you'd never guess that he is seriously ill (he has end stage chronic renal disease and needs a transplant to save his life).

I think the ICU is the saddest place on earth. So many sick kids and it makes you feel helpless. Everywhere, you hear alarm bells ringing and nurses scampering to aid a seriously ill patient. Parents are not allowed inside the ICU so the kids there are all by themselves. Aside from Topher, there were other patients that we visited like this young girl who was admitted for chronic anemia but developed severe infections afterwards. Tubes run all over her comatose body. Another teenager is comatose for viral encepalitis and this morning I witnessed him suffer from seizures. In the intermediate ICU, one of my patients Ian was also seriously ill. Just last week he was bubbly and healthy. This week, he's attached to so many tubes that you hardly recognize him.

I left the ICU with a heavy heart. My head was also pounding. It drains me to see these young children suffer so much. But perhaps what drains me more is knowing that there's nothing I can do about it.

Then I remember Topher's smile. And it gives me hope-- that maybe someday the other kids would also smile like him. And maybe it's not futile to visit the ICU after all. I just life would be a little less sad for these kids.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Survey (again)

1.YouR HoRoSCoPe?
:: Aquarius

2. SiNGLe oR TaKen?
:: It's complicated. =P

3. iN LoVe?
:: Forever

4. HaVe You eVeR BeeN SeRiouSLY HuRT BY THe PeRSeN You LoVeD
:: yes. It's part of the package that comes with loving.

5. WHaT WouLD Be YouR ReaSoN iF You TuRNeD SuiCiDaL?
:: I really have no idea. I think I value life too much to even contemplate on suicide.

6. iS SuiCiDe ReaLLY KiLLiNG YouRSeLF?
:: It's not living the life you're meant to live.

7. CouNTRY oR CLaSSic?
:: In what sense? Furniture-- any.

8. PReFeR CuTe/iDioT oR SMaRT/uGLY?
:: smart/ugly na lang. I hate talking to people who make no sense

9. aRe You iN a STaBLE ReLaTioNSHiP WiTH YouR BF/GF?
:: Boy na friends and Girl na friends.

10. You`D eXPeCT a TeXT MeSSaGe uSuaLLY FRoM
:: anyone but peter (peace!!!)

11. HaVe a BeST FRieND THaT iS in the oPPoSiTe GeNDeR?
:: yes.

12. WHaT Do You LiKe DoiNG WHeN YouR DePReSSeD

13. CHeeRFuL oR BoRiNG
:: cheerful... kakaiba ang trip sa buhay

14. DeSCRiBe a PeRFeCT DaTe?
:: spending time with the person who makes you feel that every ordinary moment is an extraordinary time. .. eating bbq in the fast food with the one who makes you smile.

:: Never bothered to ask.

16. eVeR BeeN HuRT BY LoVe?
:: Several Times

17. WiLL You eVeR MaKe THe SaMe MiSTaKe aGaiN?
:: We have our stupidity moments or should I say weak moments but I try to learn with each mistake :p

18. eVeR HaTeD aNYoNe LiKe HeLL???
:: almost

19. WHaT WiLL You Do WHeN a PeRSoN BReaKS uP WiTH You aFTeR oNeDaY?
:: I have no idea. Feel hurt I guess. But learn to live.

20. GiVe oNe WoRD THaT BeST DeSCRiBeS WHaT You`Re FeeLiNG Now?
:: sleepy but happy (ay three words pala yon)

21. Do You BeLieVe iN YouRSeLF?
:: most of the time I do.

:: hmmm.. pag katangahan lang.

23. eVeR VeRBaLLY HuRT YouRSeLF?
:: negative self talk at times during tournaments

24. MoTTo iN LiFe
:: live each moment as if it was your last; love with all your heart.

25.WHaT iS YouR PuRPoSe iN LiFe
:: to love and make a difference in another person's life

26. HaVe You eVeR HaD FeeLiNGS aBouT a FRieND FroM The oPPoSiTe GeNDeR?
:: what kind of feeling? Hate? yes. Love? Hmm.. no comment na lang. hahahaha

27. iF YeS, WhaT DiD You Do
:: Ask my girlfriends.=P I used to be the bravest girl in the world when it comes to dares, now, I don't know what happened.

28. iS FaMe & MoNeY THe MoST iMPoRTaNT THiNGS iN YouR LiFe?
:: Not the most important but you do need some of it. I know what matters to me.

29. Do You MaKe aNY MoVeMeNTS oR SouNDS WHeN You`Re SLeePiNG?
:: turning from sides to sides. unconscious shadow play with my arm (mimicking my badminton swings)

30. aRe You DiFFiCuLT To WaKe uP?
:: i can answer the phone after one ring while asleep.

31. HoW oFTeN Do You SLeeP?
:: depends on the day. TTHS-- barely. Sundays-- WHOLE DAY

An (extra) ordinary weekend

Spent another weekend with my good friends playing badminton, pigging out on food, and laughing our hearts out until 3am today. I guess, you could call it tradition now-- we play then we eat and party. Yesterday, we decided to go marketing instead of the usual potluck. Len and I went to Marikina wet market last friday to do shopping for our dinner last night (Filipino dishes was our theme). I cooked tokwat baboy and salsa (for the chips) while len made tahong & shrimp soup and raffy broiled liempo. Karen also made pasta and dessert.

We played at Greenpark first. I had a great game with Mike Liit againsta Peter and Aldwin. My knees nearly gave out due to fatigue but it was worth it. Mike and I were able to win 1 set against our formidable foes. Kei and I also partnered in womens doubles and had a blast running all over the court. We came from an 8 point deficit to win one set. Though we lost a lot of games, it was fun nonetheless. It was never about winning but getting to practice some new tricks and learning new plays. After play we headed out to Len and George's house.

Our kris kringle is already on its second week and our theme this week is "something soft and chewy." My mommy kringle appears to have an affinity for mentos that I received another pack of it for this week. Last week he/she also gave me one for "long and hard." I can't wait to find out who he/she is. mababatukan ko yon. hehehe. We also posted our wish lists on the garage walls. My wish? Anything but mentos. hehehe. My "baby" is still clueless about my identity. And I can't wait for my baby to discover who I am. Im sure that he/she (secret kung anong gender!!)would love to clobber me now after all the gifts I've given. Kung alam lang niya na ako yon at di ang mga suspects niya.hahahaha

We had a blast laughing all night. George nearly clobbered me with the stool when I told him that my wish for him is to have more hair. hehehe. I was running all over the garage trying to dock away from him. We had a grand time lambasting our "favorite" folks and "okraying"each other out. Even Daddy stayed with us for some time to give Karen her usual "homily." But the most unforgetable part for me was when Karen said those "magic words." I nearly choked the coke I was drinking in shock. Hopefully everyone was too drunk to remember it. =P

It was already 3:30 in the morning when I got home. Peter, Luis and I finally said goodbye to our barkada at around 3:15. Of course, it took us forever again to get out. Sabi nga ni peter, isang oras ang paalaman sa barkadang ito.

We rarely get to appreciate ordinary things in life. Most of the time we forget about them. But then you realize that its the ordinary things that are the most extraordinary. And it makes you appreciate these ordinary events more. One time, a friend asked me why I never get bored with my barkada-- we talk about the same thing three times a week and we're all practically together almost every day.

I have a simple answer to that-- because these ordinary folks make life extraordinary. And moments that seem so simple become so special.

my life became extraordinary when you came along. thank you.