Saturday, May 20, 2006

Kupal Magnet

My sister won the "Toxic Magnet" award during their class' post internship party the other night. She has the luck of attracting all the weirdest patients everytime she was on duty during her internship year. In a supposedly benign rotation, she would get all the toxic patients. One time she had 16 or so critically ill patients in one duty night.

If Ves is the toxic magnet, I seem to be the "kupal magnet." hahaha! Karen said I should write about the twin popsies and the pospy of my life. I guess God must think I have the patience of a turtle. Ang tagal ko bago mabwiset. Haay! I have always believed in the goodness of people I guess. And maybe that is what that gets me into trouble. I am so nice to people that I attract the kupals of this world.

The twin popsies came as no surprise. I've met their wrath before. I thought they changed but I guess old habits die hard. Imagine to sell out your friends for what? winning a game? And the worse part is they stupidly let you know about it. Kupal na nga, medyo naging eng eng pa. Hay naku!Nagalit tuloy si Speaker of the House!

The pospy is another thing. That hurts. To think I considered her to be a good friend. I was betrayed behind my back for reasons I still don't know. A friend said, "isa ka lang sa mga biktima niya." I really don't get it-- how some people can be so mean to others. Especially to people who were nothing but nice to you and your loved ones. That really hurt. I guess what made it more hurtful was the fact that she was (and perhaps still is) trying to destroy the most important aspect of my life. She acted like a friend but behind my back she was pure cruella deville (my sincere apologies to cruella). That was total betrayal at its finest.Kupaldom to the max.

I often ask myself why must she hate me that much. I guess I just don't see myself hating another for no reason at all. Karen says I am a beaver. I guess so. Maybe I am indeed too nice. But I guess I'd rather be nice than be someone like pospy. I've never said anything bad to her or at her. Yet until now I still hear bad things about me. Di ko maintindihan. Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to merit such treatment. I guess some people are just mean. But although I may have the patience of a turtle, if she hurts my best friend or any other person I love, I swear sasagasaan ko siya.

Sabi ni macre bilog ang bola. Iikot din ang mundo. Darating din ang karmi niya. I don't wish her harm. I wish her a better life instead. For her and the twin popsies. I wish them better lives to make up for the pathetic way they are living theirs.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Life Must Go On

Looking back, it's been almost a year since life became very interesting for me. The past 360 days or so were the happiest and the saddest moments of my life. I was never happier and I was never as sad as well. I had wonderful moments-- really really wonderful moments. And I look back to them with some bittersweet feelings of nostalgia.

I miss those days. I guess I always will miss those days. I can never bring them back but the memories do give me comfort. Especially during the days when I'm simply overwhelmed with stuff.

I always tell myself-- life goes on. Life must go on. And when things get pretty rough, I remember my promise--the deal I made. And I strive, no matter how hard, I try.

Tomorrow, I'm off to my first real vacation in over a year. I can't wait.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

An Honor

After a gruelling night of badminton last night I didn't think I'd wake up in time for my lecture this morning at the Fe Del Mundo Medical Center. My doctors asked me to share the results of my dissertation with them. I thought it was a small lecture/sharing with the doctors of the hematology-oncology department who has graciously taken cared of me for the past 13 years. To my great surprise, it turned out to be a hospital wide conference. Doctors from other departments along with nurses and other staff came to watch me share my thoughts on the experiences of adolescents with chronic illness. I was scared at first because I wasn't prepared for such a big crowd but I guess sanay na lang ako sa mga "surprises" ng life that I managed. The best part was when Dr. Fe Del Mundo herself shook my hand and handed me a plaque of appreciation. It was an honor to shake the hand of the mother of Philippine Pediatrics. She's really old but she's still as sharp as ever. She listened to my entire lecture and even had some very nice thoughts about it.

I consider it a great honor to be invited to share my dissertation to the hospital. It was like finally coming to a full circle with the experience of living with chronic illness. After all how many patients can proudly say that they were treated as peers by their doctors and not as mere patients? I told the audience that I never imagined that I would live long enough to see today. And I just wanted to thank them for making today a reality.

When you get sick, you lose a part of yourself in the process. I lost my childhood to ITP. But it was also in ITP that I found myself again. My ITP now means something to me-- a chance to make a difference. And that makes every painful procedure that I had to go through through the years worth it.

As I said yesterday, the pain now is part of the happiness then and will be part of the happiness of tomorrow. That's the deal.

I am doing my best to keep my promise. But it is hard. I always keep my promises. Forever is a promise to keep. =)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Deal

"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
- C.S. Lewis

The other day I was rereading the life and lovestory of CS Lewis, the famed author of the Chronicles of Narnia. CS Lewis, known to friends as "Jack" fell in love with a divorcee named Joy Gresham but lost her to cancer. She was a fan of his work and they met in one of his famed lectures at Oxford. When they got married she was already dying. He was a theologian who had all the answers to life's big questions but he admitted later on that he only started to live when he met Joy.

I remind myself of his words everyday. Sometimes I find myself wondering whether I did the right thing or not. I still cry from time to time especially when I am reminded of what was so beautiful then and how so many things have happened since then. But then again, I am reminded of the deal I made- the pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

I cleaned my room yesterday and I found myself laughing over the memories that I have accumulated over the years. It was bittersweet because I realized how much a part of my life my friend already is. Everywhere I look, the memories are there. And I guess that's what makes the deal hard sometimes. But still, I am glad. I was giggling the entire morning while looking at old pics (boy! we sure did look yucky then!) and going through old gifts from the years gone by. It was such a nice way to remind me of what made me happy then and its a symbol of hope that someday, things will be back to the way they were.

Forever is a promise to keep. I always keep my promises. Friends forever. That's the deal.