Monday, February 27, 2006

Dead Tired

Just submitted the last chapter of my dissertation. My head is spinning so bad that I don't even remember how I got to write the last five pages of my discussion. I was so focused on my goal to finish that chapter that I did not even realize that I spent 12 straight hours infront of the computer. I rested only once to take a quick shower and eat lunch. I've never spent that much time infront of the computer before. And now I feel that my body is all but ready to collapse.

I feel elated yet at the same time tired. I'm just glad that the hardest part is over.. Everything should be downhill from now.

I hope so..


Thursday, February 23, 2006

The End is Near

Or so I tell myself.

For the past two weeks I've been driving myself to the grave working on my dissertation. I actually have a camp now under my computer so that I can sleep while working on my paper. Even in my dreams I dream of my dissertation. The other night, I dreamt I that I forgot to write a whole section in one of my case studies. True enough I did forget.

This morning I woke up with fever, an indication that my body is near its breaking point. Why I push myself is beyond comprehension. I do it to fulfill a promise. At the back of my mind I know I can finish. I can will power my way into anything. I've done that before so many times.

But sometimes I ask myself, at what cost?

I really just want to finish so I could move on and face my entire life. Like Cha's thesis, this dissertation is like an annoying thorn stuck in our shoulders that is blocking us from doing the other things we should be doing. So we need to get it out of the way. I just wish I have the energy for that final stretch.

It's not about believing in myself anymore. It's about keeping faith that in the end I'd find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's about pushing yourself to go on even if every ounce of your strength is almost gone.

In the end it's all about doing what needs to be done. Life goes on. We need to thread on.

Monday, February 20, 2006


Time out muna from dissertation writing...

"If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: "Because it was he; because it was me."- Montaigne

"A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same"- From Fried Green Tomatoes.

I am amazed by the resiliency of the human heart. It is the one organ that gets most battered yet remains the most intact. When a heart gets broken, you feel its despair. Yet beyond the tears and sadness, a silent beating remains-- the heart will alwasy go on beating.

Sometimes I wonder what keeps us going--what keeps us hoping and what keeps us from giving up. Then I remember what my friend Mimo said, "it's the amount of love you invested that makes everything worth it." I guess he's right-- the more something or someone means to you, the more you hold on. And no matter how hard it can be at times to be understanding and forgiving, you remain strong.

I've been there once. I've survived. I've moved on. And I'm here once again.

Hopefully I'll still survive.

Hopefully my heart will keep on beating just the same.

Who knows maybe this time, ill get my wish. =)

Saturday, February 18, 2006


I'm not even sure if I still make sense. Been infront of this pc since yesterday afternoon trying to get my dissertation done. Sometimes I wonder what pushes me- what keeps me going.

I really have no idea.

I'm just tired and hungry right now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Keeping the Faith

I told Ella I didn't expect any miracles yesterday. I hoped for one but I didn't expect any. Life is easier that way-- you don't set yourself up for any disappointment. In hope you invite the possibility of surprise whereas in expecting you invite disappointment.

It was a valentine's day filled with laughter for me. The day started with brunch with my three kumare's at bite club. the 1 pound XXX burger was the best meal I had in days. We were so noisy in the restaurant that you could hear our stories all the way down to the CR in the first floor. We had a blast laughing about Karen's misadventures in dating. Nakakabilib din ang kumare kong ito-- how she keeps faith despite the bloopers. We laughed about my own woes and the girls tried their best to appease my wary heart. After brunch we decided to go for the best therapy for a broken heart-- get a haircut!! We trooped to my tita's parlor and got ourselves a new look for valentine's. Len had her hair layered while Macre, Karen, and I had a trim.

Still not wanting to go home, we decided to go to riverbanks and buy some dvds and surf the net for Karen's mystery boylet. Unfortunately we couldnt identify him (ayaw pa kasi ipakilala!!!). We hanged out at Len's afterwards before picking up Marlou at PB. He and Karen were joining a valentine's day tournament in Makati (of course eventually champion ang kumare ko!!).

I went home afterwards for a nap and then went back to playersbest. We had no intention of playing but Luis was so persistent that Mark, Macre and I agreed to play with him. Peter later arrived on court but did not play. The gang played with other v-day addicts-- tita lily, revy and recsy and jabar. After two hours of hard core badminton action, we trooped back to provident for a late valentine's dinner.

We laughed and partied till 1:30 am. We actually forgot that it was a tuesday and we had work the next day. Di talaga papatalo ang mga kakulitan nina Mark, Joey, Peter, George at Karen. Star of the night si Luis who had his homily session with Daddy. My tummy hurt so bad from laughing at Karen's "lolo" stories with George's matching mimics. Walang pinatawad-- from Mark's kumpay and La Condena to Len's braso, Raffy's special visitor na biglang dumating and u-me's gramatically challenging texts. Mark and George's version of Katawan was so hilarious!

I did not expect any miracles on Valentines Day. But I got one. Life indeed has a way of surprising you. Kung tutuusin ang babaw ko nga eh. But it was more than enough to make my day.

It wasn't exactly the ending I wanted but it was perfect in its own way. I told Ella that at least yesterday gave me hope-- that rainbows will come my way eventually. And maybe that's what's V-day is really all about-- Restoring our faith that in the end, things will work out for the best.

We just need to keep the faith.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine Wishes

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time."--Maya Angelou

I'd like to believe that love exists despite the harsh realities of life. I'd like to believe that despite everything love will prevail in the end. My good friend mimo told me yesterday that whether 12 or 20 years does not really matter. In the end its the amount of love that you invested in the relationship that matters more. And it was worth each loving moment you gave it.

Happy valentines' day to everyone-- the happy ones who are with their special someones, the sad ones who lost their special someones, the special someones who let go of the ones who loved them, the unrequited ones who chose to love in secret, and even the nonbelievers and cynics who chose not to believe that love exist.

Love is worth is every tear, every pain, every laughter, every joy, and every sorrow. If I had known that this would happen, would I take it all back? No.

As Seth in the City of Angels (which by the way would ranks as the stupidest ending I've ever seen.hehehe), said, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. "


Love in the open hand, nothing but that,
ungemmed, unhidden, wishing not to hurt,
as one should bring you cowslips in a hat
swung from the hand, or apples in her skirt;
I bring you, calling out as children do:
'Look what I have! - And these are all for you.'"

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The last time I loved forever

Today I did something I rarely do-- I went to mass. I don't know what moved me, perhaps the events of earlier that morning pushed me to the one place where I know where I'll find comfort or because simply I was looking for answers to questions that seem to never end. The celebrant, Fr. Jboy asked the crowd during his homily-- when was the last time you loved forever?

My friend Lyzet once told me that I'm not only a turtle who moves so slowly but I'm also a worm. I have to admit when it comes to a certain part of my life-- I am a chicken. I am not brave. Maybe its because I've been hurt so many times before that I can't help but build that wall. Maybe its because I'm so scared that if I fall this time I may not be able to stand up anymore.

Last night I did the one thing I never thought I could do. I took the biggest risk of all. I wish I could say I was brave about it. Shet I was so scared. More scared than my own comps, phd acads, etc combined. But something in me told me it was time. I wish I could have done it differently. I actually had a great plan. But true to fashion, none of my plans ever came true. So I just did it. Because there was no other way.

People might eventually say that I did a crazy thing-- that I actually committed suicide in a way. But then I hear Fr. JBoy's words-- that love is taking those big risks and opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt. And maybe that's what I just did. I opened myself to that possibility. I wish I could say things will be good from now on. As Peter would say-- life goes on so look on the bright side. I wish it was as easy as that.

There's no turning back now. According to my new favorite heroine, Coraline Jones "Because when you're scared and you still do it anyway, that's brave." I will be brave. At least I try to be. I wish I could be as deadma as the one who gave me Coraline. But I'm not built that way.

I don't know what will happen after today. I don't know if I still have a second best friend after today. I don't know if I still have my friend period. I hope so. I hope I still have a friend.I don't know if I will end up happy or sad. I live each moment awaiting what will happen.

But one thing I know that after today, life will never be the same. My comfort zone is gone.

I have the answer to that question during the homily-- the last time I loved forever was at 2am Feb 12, 2006-- when finally I did the bravest thing I could do--When finally I took that big leap of faith.

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am
The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide
And if wishes and dreams are merely for children
And if love's a tale for foolsI
'll live the dream with you
For all my life and forever
there's a truth I will always know
Though my world divides and shatters
You love will help me by

somewhere I have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending:
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

E. E. Cummings

Friday, February 10, 2006

Birthday Week

It's been one hell of a week. My birthday came and went by like a flash of lightning. So many things happened and so many are still happening. I can't believe I actually turned 29 this week. I feel much older.

Although I feel tired and pooped, I can't help but still smile about the way I got to celebrate my birthday. I got to celebrate it with the people who matter most to me-- my family and my dearest friends. I haven't gotten my birthday wish but who knows, baka nalate lang..

29 years. Imagine that. I don't think I ever imagined reaching this age back when I was a kid. Now I'm here. And it leaves me the question, what have I done? And what is out there for me in the future.

I wish I knew.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

29 Years

I turned 29 yesterday. I celebrated my special day with some special friends-- my kids at PCMC in the morning and my badminton tropa in the evening. Every year I traditionally have a party for my birthday but this year I thought I'd do something different. The mini kiddie party at pcmc was so refreshing. My tutorial kids made me feel so blessed and happy. I didn't expect their surprise gifts. Ralph's mom made some buko pandan for everyone, Beth provided the pancit, Monique gave me a cute mug. Ziv and Pauline both gave me precious hugs.

After my children's party, I went straight home to cook for my badminton gang. I labored to finish the much requested lasagna, aligue pasta, beef with mushrooms, salsa, hotdog and peach cobbler. By the time I got my cake at shoppersville I was so plastered already. The manong even drove me nuts by asking me if the candles I was requesting was for a girl or a boy (hello! pink cake na heart with happy birthday hazel as an inscription?!!!).

Peter was the first to arrive followed by Fr. Ben and Ella some two hours later. While waiting for everyone, we decided to check out my growing movie collection which unfortunately I havent been able to watch. hehehe. When the gang was finally complete it was a night of roaring laughters. Mark and George took care of entertainment followed by karen. It was hillarious watching the boys scramble to the cr for fear that they would see a ghost. I even pulled a trick over mark when I closed all the lights. The party lasted till 2am.

I'm grateful for the 29 years of my life. I know I live on borrowed time and I hope that this year I will finally be able to make the difference I promised myself.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Blue Wednesday

Sometimes I feel like hating Wednesdays especially days like today. I was greeted again by death at PCMC. Two of my recent referrals in the hospice passed away from their respective illnesses. Our rounds at the wards also was quite depressing. We visted three patients at the neuro ward, each gravely ill from TB meningitis, TB sarcoma and Viral Encephalitis. There was nothing much we could do for them. Maximo, who has viral encephalitis has been in a vegetative state since last year. He can no longer talk, move, open his eyes, or do anything except jerk his arms due to involuntary movements.He has ugly bed sores and looks like a 7 year old instead of a 15 year old boy. George, the one with TB sarcoma, has a head the size of a bowling ball. He's also semi comatose due to his operation. The doctors removed a tumor the size of a fist from his 2 year old head.

Sad. Fortunately I saw Jerald at the wards as well.. He's my tutee with ALL. He was confined for his chemotherapy. Despite the painful meds, he was all smiles when I visited him this morning. I even reminded him of his homework for monday.

5 days before my birthday, I'm feeling depressed. I call this my pre birthday anxsts. =) Last night's badminton play was quite stressful as I had to deal with some kupals on court. oh well. that's life. Buti na lang may mga comedy moments kami ni mark on court. =)

I long for better days ahead...