Thursday, October 26, 2006

Settling Scores

Why did things end up the way they are? I don't really know. Things were never really settled and I have no idea how to answer the question of where do we go now. I may appear nonchallant but it doesnt mean I don't hurt. It hurts like hell but I am trying to go on as best as I can. Life has to go on because no matter what I do or don't do, life will continue to go on.

Things are pretty hectic now with my departure. I try not to think of goodbyes. I used to want a big despedida party but now I don't feel like having one. I think I'd rather just fade in the sunset. No goodbyes. I don't want to get emotional I guess. Too much stress and I'm scared that if I get too emotional, my platelets will end up crashing. Last night the accident in the kitchen scared me back to reality. The bleeding would not stop and it finally jolted me back to the truth that my platelets are not normal again.

Two things I learned last night-- dignity and decorum. To maintain dignity is a gift you give yourself--I made a promise once and I found myself at a crossroad of whether to defend myself or keep the promise. I chose the latter. The only way I could defend myself was if I break the promise and I couldn't do that. As long as I breathe, I will not stop keeping that promise.(and i still believe you kept yours)

And always maintain graciousness. No matter what happens, decorum is important.

I am not perfect and I do apologize if I hurt anyone. I apologize if I could not be the better friend I was hoped to be. I apologize to the people who got entangled and I apologize to the ones that hurt the most.

But I will stand by my truth. Perhaps in the end that's all I've got. If I am believed then thank you. But if not, I understand.

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