conversations...

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want." -Meredith Grey

one of the things i find myself enjoying in this trip are the conversations i have with angeli. since were the only pinoys here in the university we're sort of bonded by our history together. in the past couple of days we've talked about almost every possible topic imaginable from the mundane to the serious stuffs of life. we have a lot in common pala and it's nice that i have a friend from home here in the strange country of united kingdom. and though we may have come from different backgrounds at home i realized that we do share passion for a lot of things.

we often talk about our desires and wants and dreams. we call them our hope lists and how we often adjust them to meet the needs of the present. i found it nice to finally find someone who could understand my current philosophies without thinking that i am such a weirdo for not wanting what every other girl wants. after all who wouldn't want the barbie fantasy right?--the perfect life with the perfect family and perfect job.

perhaps it's our psych background or our quirkiness that makes us like that. but it was quite funny that we both agree that what we have right now may be the best for now. and that despite not having that perfect life were supposed to have, hey we are happy. and maybe its not about finding that perfect life that fits the perfect mold but rather finding your bliss with the present.

im not sure if im just saying all these things because im getting my taste of independence right now but in a way i find value more now in the things that i do. like mariel, i may have decided to march down a different kind of path for now but i am happy. and i guess for the first time in a long time i actually have no care about what others may think about me. at last i finally found that confidence to strike it out on my own.

meredith grey is right, not knowing what you want is the worst desire of all. maybe this time by getting to know myself a little bit better i'll get to discover the real wants of my heart and not just the wants that the world set out for me.

who knows.