Raffy and were talking this morning and she told me how she has never seen me cry. She told me about my friend who seemed so scared of talking to me because he is unsure of what to do if I end up crying. She found it quite puzzling that I might actually cry because I've always appeared to be so strong.
I guess Raffy is partly right and partly wrong. Yup, I rarely cry for myself in public. In the face of the people I love, I always end up being the strong one. Even if I am in a great deal of pain, I rarely cry. I don't know why but I find it so easy to cry for someone else but not for me. I am a crybaby when it comes to other people's concerns. I am a crybaby when watching movies (hey! I even cried while watching Space Jam!) and tv (Yesterday I cried while watching an episode of Oprah!).But when it comes to personal concerns, I admit, I rarely cry. Parang nalagyan ng cork yung tearducks ko. But still, I hurt. Hindi po ako bato.
I do cry when I am alone. I been doing that a lot lately. I cry for everything that I miss-- the friend I feel I am losing slowly and the me that I feel is getting more and more lost. I cry for the heart that is slowly withering and I cry for the happy times that once made me smile. It's quite ironic really that my friend thinks I am so fragile. He's the only one who seem to see me that way. I don't know if he does not know me or he knows me too well. I am confused.But maybe he is right. I am not as strong as I say I am. But I sure do try. What he fails to see I guess is that even if I may end up broken, I'd rather be broken than left in a glass cage-- seemingly perfect but totally not okay.
And its okay to end up broken at times. Because its only then that you learn to pick yourself up. With each fall, you learn to stand up once more.
Last night I told my best friend Ella that I was so tired of crying. I realized now that it's not the tears that I was tired of but the dull pain that seems to be stuck by my side. It's a pain that reminds me that as each day pass, my limbo because more and more a limbo. And if I had a chance to right some things in my life, I know I'd like to start with that.
I just want my friend back. That's all.