The Song I Sing

Been singing this song since the other day... I thought the message was simply beautiful.

It's been a long and winding journey, but I’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when I look into your eyes...
My dreams came true, when I found you
I found you, my miracle...
If you could see, what I see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

-Angels brought me here by Guy Sebastian

slow day

First day of vacation and i spent it infront of the tv watching carrie underwood win the american idol season 4. I cried when she was finally declared the winner.She deserved it in my book. Although Bo was also good, I thought she sang her heart out more yesterday.

No badminton today for a change. It feels kinda weird. I guess I got used to being on court all the time. My mom asked me this morning what my plans are coz I seem to take the game so seriously. Di ko naman kinacareer.. It's just I enjoy it so much and it helps me cope with all the pressures of school, work and my ITP. Keeps me sane. Truly.

I wonder when will comps come out...

close call

Just came from my doctor today. Had a close call. My platelet count stands at 185,000. Its down from 250,000 last month. I guess the stress of comps and the tourneys along with all other issues finally got to me. Even my weight plummeted by 6 Ibs. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when the results came normal despite going down by nearly 70,000. It was a close call but it worked out nonetheless. For that I am grateful.

Had a scare last week when a great big bruise showed up for no reason on my right leg. I may not look like it, but it sure did rattle my spirit. It's been 2 years already since I relapsed and I'm almost on the way to remission. I just don't want to lose it at this point when I'm so close to getting better. It's not only about the cost of maintaining my drugs but also the toll it has taken on my spirit. Living in chronic limbo the past two years has rocked my world.

So i guess i got a lot to be thankful for despite everything. I'm still here. And I'm still normal. My meds has been cut down again. If I can maintain the count for another month, I get to be tapered off once more. To be finally medicine free would be such a bliss.

A parent of another patient asked me this morning, what was it like when I first got sick. Her son was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. And he's just 5 years old. I told her, I could barely remember. I was only 4 then. And all my life that's all I've ever known. I don't even know what its like not to have my ITP. I guess it must be scary for her. But I saw she had so much hope that I really believe that things will work out for her baby.

"Belief is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen."


****

Despite everything I am thankful to you.. For bringing back the songs to my life. no regrets. I wish you well.

And Im thankful for great friends who were sent to me from heaven even if I tend to forget them at times.

Today I decided to...

Today I decided to have a haircut. Wala lang. Just to have a brand new start.People say that to know when someone is feeling blue check if they took a trip to the beauty parlor. True... A good haircut can always cure the blues.

Today I decided to change my phone lines.. New life din. It's time to get rid of the old and let in the new. They say when God closes a door, he will always open a window. Now that I feel that a certain door is closing, I'd like to pave the way for the opening of the windows. Hey maybe its the roof that will open this time. hahaha.. So if you're my friend, expect a message from me soon..

Today I decided to eat out and have fun.. Yummy lunch out with weevens and oliver sure made my day. Instead of boring old cafeteria food, I got to eat gindara fish in bento box along with polvoron looking (but tasty) tofu crunch. It was great laughing with the guys especially Weeven's stories about "sushi" and "asukal"

Today I decided not to think about you much.. I just don't know if it worked but I sure did try.

Today I decided I do not want to get hurt. Because today I decided I wanted to be happy. And I tried. And I will continue to try.

I'll be okay.

The dreamer speaks

I busied myself today with work. Didnt want to think about things that have no answers. Was I successful? Dont know. There were moments that I'd lapse into moments of silence and find myself wondering again. Then I'd push myself to wake up and resume the things that needs to be done.

I take comfort in thinking. My best friend tells me I think too much. 24 years of school does that to you I guess. But in times like these, I know thinking will just drive me nuts. After all, my questions have no answers-- for the moment at least.

Part of living is learning to live with lost control. My ITP taught me that. I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that not all things can be planned.

Will you ever answer my questions? Or will I be forever left wondering why?

Dazed & Confused

"I was afraid this time would come..."

I don't understand sometimes why I never get used to this "script" in life. Maybe because I hope that every time it happens things would change. I don't know, call it naivette or stupidity but I'd like to think that each beggining is filled with hope. Somehow something just happens that it get screwed along the way.

One of the boys. Will that be my forever role?

Or maybe I just think too much.

Maybe.

confused

I've been through this script before-- when the "other" strikes the balance. Yet I cant help but wonder why I'm still going through it at all. At the start of any relationship, you find yourself hoping and telling yourself that maybe this is it. You go through the process of the whole dating script/schema (or whatever cognitive concept you wish to call it). Then the bubble bursts. Or maybe you're just being paranoid. SOmetimes we tend to complicate things. I dont know why I do it but I do. I'm human and I'm shinky. This is shinky-ness at its finest.

My bestfriend tells me I should not attempt to understand at all. Maybe I should do that. Still have a lot more important things to think about. Or so I believe.

So why go through it all? Why bother when you'd end up getting yourself shinky anyway? Simple-- because by going through it, you open yourself to the chance of opening new doors. And perhaps more simply put--because by going through it, I find myself singing more and more everyday-something I seem to have forgotten for quite sometime now.

And that to me is bliss.

For that I am grateful to you.

The waiting game...

Comps is finally over. Now the waiting begins. Results are to come out in 3 to 4 weeks time. Hopefully I have something to celebrate this june. Thanks to all those who prayed and who continues to pray for me.

The most arduous part about waiting is the feeling of limbo it leaves you. And you ask yourself endlessly why and when and how. Questions that will never be fully answered until the right time comes. Am I still talking about comps? Dont really know.Maybe, maybe not.. I'm rabbling my thoughts here. That's all. Masyado pang maaga para magisip ng mga bagay bagay. Hahahaha.

Still I cant help but wonder.. When will the waiting end?

Thoughts of nervous wreck

I dont think the title of my blog is apt for me today. Less than 24 hours before I take my comprehensive exams, I am a walking nervous wreck. After 24 years of studying, this is it-- my FINAL EXAM. The last one I have to take for life. And I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I know I should not be too tense. After all, I've been here before. I've taken the comps before during my MA days. And it shouldnt be something totally alien to me. Yet, the nagging feeling of not knowing what to expect is still there. And I can't help but hope and pray that soon this will all be over. Part of the pressure I guess is the knowledge that a lot of people are banking on me to do good. I wish I could live up to the expectation. Today is the day i need to harness all the self efficacy and self esteem beliefs I have so that I can truly believe in myself. Thank God for great friends who have been cheering along the way.If not for them, I'd probably be headed for Mandaluyong today. =P

Here's how I've been out of sync lately-- in three weeks I've had three badminton related injuries. I injured my finger in the left hand when my friend accidentally hit it during a game. Then a week later, another friend smashed his racket to my right wrist (fortunately it hit my racket first and did not cause a fracture) leaving a big bruise. Then last wednesday, I fell badly on court and scraped my knee badly. Talk about lack of grace and embarassment. But more than that, it HURTS!! Up to now I can still barely walk. I have to limp when i go up and down the stairs coz the wound is still open. And worse of all, I have to attend a wedding on sunday. Talk about an unsightly accessory.

Before I sound like a total klutz on court, I do think that my "nawawala sa sarili" moments are linked to the dreaded comps. I've been too distracted.. Yesterday my tooth hurts badly and i realized it was totally psychosomatic. A psychologist having conversion reactions?! what a joke! hahaha. Well i guess it just proves that before being a psychologist, IM ALSO HUMAN

I once wrote in my thesis "believe in your power to create miracles". I hope that miracle will work for me tomorrow.