Over my 6th beer at 3:00 am this morning, birthday boy Tojie grilled me on the complexities of my so called life. Cha and I were bitching about our current life stressor--thesis and dissertation along with the pressures of getting things done by march. Tojie asked why I keep on going when I could just walk away from my self imposed "shoulds and musts". But I wish it was just that simple. I told Tojie that in my life there are certain non negotiables. The first non negotiable is that I have to finish my phd. It's not a matter of me not being happy about it. I know that I'd never be happy if I don't. And even though I know that I am at a point in my life that I question the very reason why I am doing this, I know that at the heart of it all is that I know I want it. The desire is just getting lost amidst the stress. I always keep my promises. And 12 years ago, I made that promise to myself and my family that I'd finish my phd before I die. I am just fulfilling that promise.
Tojie asked why I make such an effort to make the people around me happy. Why can't I act as if I don't care?Simple lang-- that's not the way I am built. What makes me happy is to see the people I love happy. It doesn't really matter to me if I am happy personally but seeing them happy is enough for me. Call it martyrdom or even stupidity but that's the way I am. It may sound surreal but that is definitely me. I'd do anything to see the people I love happy especially my mom and sister. So even if it kills me, I'd do my best to give them their bliss.
The other non negotiable at present is my comfort zone- the reason why I continue to smile despite the stress of it. It may be perpetually hanging at the moment, but I'd rather have that "limbo" that not have anything at all.
I don't think I'm making much sense right now. Lack of sleep. Hangover from drinking last night. Happy birthday Antover! Dapat sinabi mo agad na birthday mo para we had a party!