Today I did something I rarely do-- I went to mass. I don't know what moved me, perhaps the events of earlier that morning pushed me to the one place where I know where I'll find comfort or because simply I was looking for answers to questions that seem to never end. The celebrant, Fr. Jboy asked the crowd during his homily-- when was the last time you loved forever?
My friend Lyzet once told me that I'm not only a turtle who moves so slowly but I'm also a worm. I have to admit when it comes to a certain part of my life-- I am a chicken. I am not brave. Maybe its because I've been hurt so many times before that I can't help but build that wall. Maybe its because I'm so scared that if I fall this time I may not be able to stand up anymore.
Last night I did the one thing I never thought I could do. I took the biggest risk of all. I wish I could say I was brave about it. Shet I was so scared. More scared than my own comps, phd acads, etc combined. But something in me told me it was time. I wish I could have done it differently. I actually had a great plan. But true to fashion, none of my plans ever came true. So I just did it. Because there was no other way.
People might eventually say that I did a crazy thing-- that I actually committed suicide in a way. But then I hear Fr. JBoy's words-- that love is taking those big risks and opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt. And maybe that's what I just did. I opened myself to that possibility. I wish I could say things will be good from now on. As Peter would say-- life goes on so look on the bright side. I wish it was as easy as that.
There's no turning back now. According to my new favorite heroine, Coraline Jones "Because when you're scared and you still do it anyway, that's brave." I will be brave. At least I try to be. I wish I could be as deadma as the one who gave me Coraline. But I'm not built that way.
I don't know what will happen after today. I don't know if I still have a second best friend after today. I don't know if I still have my friend period. I hope so. I hope I still have a friend.I don't know if I will end up happy or sad. I live each moment awaiting what will happen.
But one thing I know that after today, life will never be the same. My comfort zone is gone.
I have the answer to that question during the homily-- the last time I loved forever was at 2am Feb 12, 2006-- when finally I did the bravest thing I could do--When finally I took that big leap of faith.
The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am
The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide
And if wishes and dreams are merely for children
And if love's a tale for foolsI
'll live the dream with you
For all my life and forever
there's a truth I will always know
Though my world divides and shatters
You love will help me by
somewhere I have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending:
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
E. E. Cummings