Or so I tell myself.
For the past two weeks I've been driving myself to the grave working on my dissertation. I actually have a camp now under my computer so that I can sleep while working on my paper. Even in my dreams I dream of my dissertation. The other night, I dreamt I that I forgot to write a whole section in one of my case studies. True enough I did forget.
This morning I woke up with fever, an indication that my body is near its breaking point. Why I push myself is beyond comprehension. I do it to fulfill a promise. At the back of my mind I know I can finish. I can will power my way into anything. I've done that before so many times.
But sometimes I ask myself, at what cost?
I really just want to finish so I could move on and face my entire life. Like Cha's thesis, this dissertation is like an annoying thorn stuck in our shoulders that is blocking us from doing the other things we should be doing. So we need to get it out of the way. I just wish I have the energy for that final stretch.
It's not about believing in myself anymore. It's about keeping faith that in the end I'd find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's about pushing yourself to go on even if every ounce of your strength is almost gone.
In the end it's all about doing what needs to be done. Life goes on. We need to thread on.