Sometimes I feel that I am being put on trial for being who I am. Maybe because I am too different at times. I do things that have been described as pathetically stupid by others perhaps because they do look stupid to most. Yet to me, its part of being true to myself. Call me a martyr or a wannabe saint but it's me. I can't help not to care. I can't help not be who I really am. Sometimes I wonder if the world has indeed gone jaded that no one can fathom how one can care without expecting anything in return. I asked Mimo last night if I was abnormal. Funny how he replied-- Ang mundo ang abnormal. Take that from a priest with a degree in psychology.hahaha.
The heart has its reasons and its reasons need no explanations. Yes, I often choose the road less travelled and yes, I do things most of the time in extraordinary ways. But I do them because in my heart that is the best way. I found it quite ironic that in a world where we try to teach the principles of loving with all our hearts, we often try to avoid feeling hurt. And I often ask, what is wrong with getting hurt?
"Nasasaktan ka ba?"
Of course I get hurt. Hindi po ako bato at hindi po ako manhid. No one is one hundred percent happy. I get hurt over the little things and over the big things. But it doesn't mean that I have to walk away. And most of all it doesn't discount the happiness that I experienced because of meeting that person. C.S. Lewis once said that Pain is part of the happiness then and will also be part of the happiness of tomorrow. Perhaps if we could just learn to see the beauty that remains despite pain, then we'd realize that pain is nothing to be scared of. Yes I cry and I get hurt and frustrated but I also feel happy. To get to experience perfect happiness is a gift I will treasure forever. And no amount of frustration can take away that gift.
"12 years?20 years? Is it the length of friendship? Or the amount of love you have invested on it? In which case, di yun sayang.. Twas worth each loving moment that you gave it." (Mimo's text, 2/13/06)
Life is a package deal. You can't just pack away the bad stuff away and leave all the happy stuff behind. So is love. If we turn to the greatest love of all--the example of Jesus and his sacrifice one can see how pain and happiness is part of the circle of life and love. I do not intend to judge people who walk away because they got hurt for we all have our choices. We make our own paths and we follow our own hearts. And I hope that I also not be judged for choosing to walk my own path in the way I know how. Life is too short to be spent on wallowing in self pity and regret.In the remaining years of my life, I'd like to live each day making each moment count and living with no regrets at all.
I am no expert in love and I am not the person to ask for love advice. But one thing I know is that I have loved and I have always loved in the way I know how. One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving (Fatima, The Alchemist). We cannot force people to love us back, all we could really do is love them with all our hearts and let them find their own bliss. Love them enough to want them to be happy.
I know to some I looked stupid, sitting on the cold pavement two nights ago. But in that cold place I found the warmth of a heart that feels alive. In that tiny space I mattered and I found my little piece of heaven. I was in a place where I was supposed to be in the time I was supposed to be in with the person I was supposed to be with. I was there because the whole universe conspired for me to be there. And there's nothing pathetic about that. Beyond anything else that is my friend out there and that person means the world to me.
Until I can still love. I don't think people will ever comprehend what I meant when I say "I hope but I do not expect." And I understand. I think I ought to stop trying to prove to the world why I am the way I am. As long as my heart remains beating, I will continue to be true to who I really am. I think I earned that right a long time ago.(someday mareng toni, when you find that great love of yours you will finally understand. I hope you find him and I pray that when it comes, you will find also find the right path for you.)
"So I loved you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you." (Santiago, The Alchemist)