Movie Marathon

I saw Little Manhattan and Rumor has it with my best friend Ella last night. The two movies were both nice although I enjoyed Little Manhattan more. Who wouldn't? It was all about the joys and pains of first love from the eyes of two 11 year old kids. Ahh! Those days of youth. I wish life was as simple as the nine square blocks of the world of Gabe and Rosemary Telesco. Ella and I actually chose the wrong movies to watch last night. We wanted to go out to forget about our presently own confused worlds yet we found ourselves becoming more emotional as we relived the bittersweet lovestory of Gabe and Rosemary and Sara's neurotic family and love life.

According to Gabe, there will only be one first love. I admire his sweet optimism. That despite having the love of his life for only two and a half weeks, he remained optimistic about everything. Despite feeling the pains of losing his love, he also admits he was never as happy as he was with her. He looked so cute when he told Rosemary, "I love you. Do you think you might actually love me too?" And while he looked so sad when she said, "I don't know. I'm only eleven," he taught me the courage that comes with loving-- that even if you don't get the answer you hope for, you remain caring and giving enough to give her a hug and just love her back.

Now I'm getting emotional again. I've been trying to avoid it the past week. I even got somewhat successful (except during those times of the day and night when I find myself brooding again). Sara's heart wrenching line left some pretty emotional highs and lows in our system. "I'm not here to say I can't live without you. Because I can Live without you. I just choose not to." I think no explanation is needed for that. It captured what my best friend and I are going through these past weeks. And for those who bear witness to my semi neurotic life these days, I truly apologize.

Okay, call me a sucker for romantic movies. Well, at least in the movies, I get to have my somewhat happy endings. A sappy romantic at heart, I'd like to believe that true love does exist. And that true love is indeed worth waiting for. I'm just glad I have my best friend with me to ride out these storms. Yon nga lang, medyo pag nagkasabay kami ng storms, we often end up doing so many neurotic things. hehehe. San kaya tayo mapapadpad sa sunod?

Haay tama na ang drama!!!!! Here I go again..

***
"I'm not here to say I can't live without you. Because I can Live without you. I just choose not to."

Welcome Back

After nearly three weeks, we saw our friend smile and laugh on court again. It was a moment that nearly took my breathe away. For weeks I've watched my friend become more sullen than ever. I could not understand what was happening and I guess I just tried to be as patient as I can. There were times I was nearly at my wits end trying to figure things out. And at times I still am confused. But seeing my friend smile again gave me hope--that things will be better soon. I am just happy to have my friend back. Kahit na halos mamatay matay ako sa pagod nung tuesday, it made everything worth it.

Sabi nga nina Karen, super babaw ko daw. True. One smile was enough to make my day. One laugh made my week. I guess I just miss my friend. I miss seeing my friend happy. Super sungit kasi lately. As much as I try to appear not affected, I feel sad still. I feel sad that the one who makes me smile and laugh is the one in need of smiles and laughters these days. And with less than two weeks to go before my birthday, I'm wishing that things will become brighter soon.

Welcome back. Sana di ka na mag emote... Kakamiss din ang mga tawa mo eh.

Happy Thoughts

After nearly three weeks, we saw our friend smile and laugh on court again. It was a moment that nearly took my breathe away. For weeks I've watched my friend become more sullen than ever. I could not understand what was happening and I guess I just tried to be as patient as I can. There were times I was nearly at my wits end trying to figure things out. And at times I still am confused. But seeing my friend smile again gave me hope--that things will be better soon. I am just happy to have my friend back. Kahit na halos mamatay matay ako sa pagod nung tuesday, it made everything worth it.

Sabi nga nina Karen, super babaw ko daw. True. One smile was enough to make my day. One laugh made my week. I guess I just miss my friend. I miss seeing my friend happy. Super sungit kasi lately. As much as I try to appear not affected, I feel sad still. I feel sad that the one who makes me smile and laugh is the one in need of smiles and laughters these days. And with less than two weeks to go before my birthday, I'm wishing that things will become brighter soon.

Welcome back. Sana di ka na mag emote... Kakamiss din ang mga tawa mo eh.

The Sad days

I feel blue today. Last night as I was talking to Ella we both wondered how we never seem to get it-- how we always end up finding ourselves in the same situation over and over again. I don't know if we're just too stubborn or just plain stupid.

I am a hopeless romantic. Admittedly, I am a sucker for optimism. But there are times when I just feel its hard to remain one. Sometimes I wish I could just turn feelings on and off at a whim. Maybe then it would be easier. Maybe then it wouldn't matter so much.

I know I shouldn't wallow in self pity. I have so much going on for me. But in the end, I'd gladly walk away from it all, for that one thing that truly matters...

Sige na nga tama na ang pageemote...
***
Found this nice love poem by the eternal romantic Pablo Neruda. I wish I always have his faith.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
-Pablo Neruda

Little Life Goals

My body is half numb until now. I wouldn't be surprised because I played 18 hard sets of badminton last Saturday. It was worth it naman coz I finally got to accomplish one of my secret goals in badminton. I finally beat one of my biggest opponents on court. My best friends thought it was so funny and mababaw of me to have such a goal but honestly, I thought it was such a big goal on my part. I used to be stomped a lot on court by this opponent and one of the reasons why I started training because there was a time she made me feel that I wasn't a worthy opponent. I understood back then coz I was pathetic then and who would really want to play with a newbie? But instead of holding a grudge (hahaha), I decided to get training, practice, and made it my goal to beat her one day.

1.5 years of training finally bore fruits. And it stressed what all aspiring badminton nobodies like me should learn by heart---Nothing is impossible if you work hard for it. Seeing their faces made every darn pain in my legs and arms worth it. By the time I got to Len's house at 11pm that night I was dead tired. My arms and legs were all but ready to fall apart.

I'm a girl with such a mababaw na happiness. I find joy in almost anything-- a smile, good food, great weather, nice books, seeing the person I want to see, etc. But last Saturday was something else. It was a great day. Even my coach was proud.

Time to end the gloating--time to get back to work.

****
I wish you saw it. You would have been proud. I hope you're okay. Whereever you are

Voiceless

I lost my voice last night. I don't exactly know why but by 8pm my voice was already so hoarse you could make me sing what a wonderful world and I'd sound exactly like louie armstrong. My students were laughing when I opened the class this afternoon.

Losing my voice made me reflect more on some things that have been bothering me lately. Since I can't say the things I want to say, I found myself writing them instead. I've always found joy in writing my thoughts but due to my ever hectic schedule, I seem to have lost track of this once loved hobby. So I guess being voiceless does indeed have its own perks. I just wish I don't sound so much like Inday badiday coz I really look stupid when I speak in front of people. =P

I'm sleepy.

A letter to a Sibling I Never Knew

Dear Serene,

We lost you thirteen years ago today. I still remember that day vividly. It was a saturday. It was kevin costner's birthday. And I also went to a party for my bestfriend Mariel in Marikina. We had fun then. When I got home I remember seeing mommy being carried down the stairs. She was bleeding and daddy was going to take her to the hospital. A few hours later, we heard that you were gone.

I remember when Mommy told me she was pregnant. I was taken by surprise. It never entered my mind to be a big sister all over again at 16. Ves and I had a huge age gap and I couldn't imagine how it would be like to have a younger brother or sister who is almost old enough to be your own.The way Ves and I grew up, we weren't exactly your ideal siblings (i'm sure you heard about our classic battles and bickerings) I wasn't ready to be a big sister then but I remember that as the days went by, I became more and more excited about your coming. Things weren't exactly roses during those days at home and your coming was seen as a blessing-- a new start for everyone.

Then just as I was adjusting to the fact that I was to be a big sister again, you were gone. In the blink of an eye, you were gone. I felt extremely guilty back then. I felt that I might not have wanted you enough. I admit at first I was angry and scared about your coming. The childish part of me screamed, "oh no! another one to steal my parents' attention away." But then I realized how much your presence was changing the way things were at home. Things became brighter and happier. So when you died, I felt so sad. I felt so bad that I never even got to see how you looked like-- we never got to play all those games I prepared for your coming and we never got sing the songs we were supposed to sing.

Through the years I'd often stop and imagine how you would look like growing up. If you were a girl, we would have named you Serene while if you were a boy, you would have been named Ignatius (you were supposed to be born on the feast of St. Ignatius). Whenever I see kids your age, I often wondered what would you have been like had you lived. But although I felt sad that I never got to meet you, I also feel relieved that at least you didn't have to go through what we went through over the years. It would have been tough on a kid to go through such trials. And for that I am grateful that God chose to make you an angel instead.

Still I would have wanted to be your big sister. You would have been 13 this year. Imagine that-- you'd be a highschool student now. And instead of me talking to you in this letter, we'd probably be talking about your crushes, dreams, and all those teenage stuff instead. And I often wondered, how life would be different had you lived. But I know we can't live in a world of what ifs and buts. One thing I do know is that for the short time we had you in our lives, you made such a big difference.

I never got to tell you how much I loved you. And that I didn't mean not to want you at first. One day when we meet again, perhaps I'll finally get to be the big sister I was meant to be with you. babawi na lang ako sa langit. =)

Take care sweet little angel. Wherever you are.

Ate

If you could..

If you could do anything right now without care or whim, what would it be and why?
If you could repeat a part of your life all over again, what would it be?
If you could say anything to anyone right at this moment what would you say?
If you were given a choice between loving but getting hurt or not loving at all, what would you choose?
If you were given a chance to be anywhere at this very moment, where would you choose to go?
If you have one hour left to live, how would you live your life?

Sometimes the hardest questions in life are actually those who have the simplest answers-- if only we have the courage to answer them.

If only.

Monday Hugs

I haven't been feeling well since last night. In fact early this morning I woke up with a slight fever. Not wanting to miss class or my internship, I headed out to pcmc for my monday tutorials. I missed my kids there last week due to a flat tire episode so I didn't want to miss this week's tutorial session again. Arriving a few minutes late I was greeted by the smiles of Ziv, Monique, Rustom, Renato, Adam, and Paulene-- all kids with cancer and other life threatening illnesses. Later on Ralph joined us as well. We did our usual lessons of reading and writing and afterwards we had our art lessons. In the middle of our session, Paulene suddenly stood up and gave me a hug.It was as if she noticed that I wasn't feeling well. She then proceeded to sit on my lap and hugged me once more. I was so touched by her sweet gesture that I actually forgot I wasn't feeling well.

Before I left for school, I was given three more hugs courtesy of my little girls. For a few minutes there, I didn't want to let go.

Sometimes I wonder how God can put such gracious little angels through so much pain. I don't think I'll ever fully understand that. But one thing I learned from these kids is that you can still give so much despite having so little. And that sometimes the little things are the things that mean the most.

Level B, A big Bukol and the Quietest Tournament

I joined what one could describe the quietest tournament yesterday at the Governor's Cup of Dasmarinas Village Makati. Sa sobrang tahimik pwede kang mag tapon ng karayom sa court at lahat ng tao magrereklamong maingay ka. hahaha. Our pasaway group, used to shouting and kulitans on court felt like aliens trapped in an unknown planet. We had to contain our fits of laughters and our usual banters on court was met with weird looks. Mark joked that it wasn't a badminton tournament but a bible study session. hahaha.

The weirdness did not end there. Karen and Macre who were supposed to play women's doubles was placed on mixed doubles D. The funny thing about that was that there was also a men's doubles pair on that level.I think they had a different definition of mixed doubles. hehehe. Talagang mixed. Mixed nuts! according to Macre.

To top it all off, I went home with a big bruise on my forehead and a swollen knee. Peter and I were placed in level B after being told we were gonna be in level D. The day before we were informed that we were being raised to level C. That sounded fine with us coz the level D would be no match. Unfortunately, level C somehow disappeared and we were placed in B where I nearly died on court. In the first game I got hit in the forehead bad (my ninja skills were not effective that time). For the first time in my badminton life I really got scared coz my itp could be triggered by such blunt force. I've always been careful about getting hit on court because technically I'm not even allowed to play contact sports. I did not let Peter see my fear that I just shrugged off the pain until the end of the game. Pero syet! masakit! It was painful beyond words and I could feel my head swelling up. I wanted to cry after the initial impact but I so wanted to be brave for partner's sake. I did not want him to worry about me on court. We had other things to worry about na. We lost that game in a heartbreaking 3 set thriller. Sayang.

We won the second game against a mother son tandem but I also twisted my knee in the second set. Still I hid the pain. I actually got so good at denying body pains that I did not feel anything at all until after. That was a good game. One of my memorable moments on court. In one play the guy smashed at me and by some miracle I was able to return it with a drop right in front of the girl who thought it wouldn't go in. The shuttle cock dropped exactly over the net. Winner! hahaha

The third game, we were overcome by formidable opponents. The girl was so good she even made her guy partner stay in front. I'm just not ready for level B play yet. Imagine from level 8 in powerade I actually jumped to level 2! Anak ng tokwa! di naman ako si super girl.. I felt bad for Peter too coz I wanted to win the games badly for him. He was so full of effort on court. One of our opponents even called him speedy gonzales on court. hahaha. Somehow we were just both off yesterday. Peter was coming off being sick and also it was tension I guess. We kept missing some really easy shots. Pero yung mga acrobatic shots we were able to make. I guess part of the weirdness of the place. Magtournament ka ba naman sa lugar na walang nagsasalita, ewan ko na lang. Len and Karen said that maybe its also because we don't want to disappoint each other so bad that we end up being so tense on court. When you're very good friends with someone, you want that person to be happy always so you try your hardest not to disappoint them. I think that holds true for me but I don't know for my partner. I wanted so much to do well, that I guess I end up overanalyzing all my moves on court.

The tourney did not end in total disaster naman. I learned so many lessons. But most of all I played some really good games. I finally know how it feels like playing in higher levels. Nakakaloka pala! I saw how I can improve my game more and I saw how much I've come ever since I started this badminton career of mine. I've gone a long way from my pathetic days of not being able to get the shuttle across the net. And that makes me proud.

Amidst my disappointment, a good friend of mine told me that if he could steal anything away from me, it would be my perseverance. I am touched beyond words. From one addictus to another that meant a lot. In the end it's never about the games you won but how well you played the game.

Still I would have wanted to win. It would have been nice for both my sake and partner's. But not all wishes come true right? So we learn to shrug off defeat, smile, and start anew.

Time to get back to practice again.

Narnia

"Peter, just because a man in a red coat gives you a sword doesn't make you a hero!

-Susan Pevensie

After watching Narnia yesterday with Peter and Lyzet, I found myself thinking-- what makes a hero? Is he someone who comes charging on a white horse ready to slay the enemy? Is he the bravest of all who never turns back on a fight? Is he someone who is just and mighty? Is he someone gifted with super powers?

For me a hero is someone who makes his ordinary life extraordinary by being himself.

The Chronicles of Narnia is a must watch for any movie buff. I've never read any of the Narnia books but I sure did love the story.

Activade Bet

A couple of weeks ago I read an article in the PDI badminton that stated that no one plays for fun anymore. And I felt sad-- I've always believed that the main reason why I play badminton and love the game so much is because it intrincally fun. So I beg to disagree with the author when she said that no one plays for fun these days-- I still see a lot of them. And I wish she would too.

Take the case of our barkada-- we play hard and train hard but we never fail to laugh on court. We are the rowdiest and the noisiest group inside any court or tournament. And no matter what the outcome of the game is we always smile in the end. After all its not about winning or losing--it's about fulfilling your goals and having fun in the process. Last Saturday Luis, karen, Peter, George's dad and I had a discussion about our badminton goals. Luis wants to increase power in his smash, Peter wants to build endurance, while I on the other hand want to improve my speed and service. I think that's what makes the game inherently fun for us-- we don't aspire to be world champions and gold medalists-- our gauge for success lie within us. Like last night for instance. I won my first activade bet last night against my formidable kumares-- Karen and Annie. It was a fun bet actually but it really made me admire my mare's the more. After all, Macre and I were highly favored to win. But still they challenged themselves not to win-but just be able to fight a good fight. And they did--they fought well and despite losing, they had their mini goals at hand. I smiled inside when I heard Karen say "mare don't think about the score. basta play lang."

Imagine that-- my kumare who hates running on court is actually motivating a weaker partner to try her best. And they did. And by the way--she was actually running last night. hehehe.

That is what makes the game fun. And yes, we do play for fun. Kahit na ilang beses akong najajackpot sa mukha at napipisuhan on court (Ninja training according to Len), okay lang. Kahit palagi akong binobodega ng mga kupals, okay lang (nasasagot ko na naman ang mga palp eh). Kahit palpak pa din ang mga service ko (improving...hehehe) Okay lang. My favorite expression on court is whenever me or my partner (even our opponents) would say "nice try" even if we fail in executing our shots. I've learned to laugh at my mistakes, move on and try again.

Play becomes fun when you want it to be.

Blooper Magnet

I don't what is it with this week but I seem to be a blooper magnet. Imagine, what are the chances that you get two flat tires in two days? Worse, its with the same tire. Karen tells me that I could write a book about all these bloopers and I'd probably get rich doing so. It's quite funny I know but when you're trying to squeeze in a very tight sched, the bloopers can be quite annoying. Maybe I ought to have myself baptized again or something? =P

My sister complained last night that she's so tired and all yet the problems never seems to cease. I understand her sentiments. Sometimes it gets to me too. Like for the past few days I find myself being frustrated most of the time. I can't figure someone out. It's bad enough that I have to contend with the psycho-ness of my so called life, trying to figure someone out makes it more confusing. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something bad? I don't know. The worst thing you can do to someone is make them feel that they did something bad and not tell them about it. There are some things in life that require answers.
***
why?
But you know what's worse than that?-- knowing that you have no right to complain. Sabi nga ni Maam Yen, "may karapatan ka ba?"

Wala. Until I figure it out or figure what it's all about, I am stuck here in limbo.

Maybe I am indeed a turtle. Or worse a worm.
I just realized that it's getting frustrating to be one.

Welcoming the New Year

This is my first post for 2006. Happy new year dear blog! They say that every new year is the chance to begin life anew. I hope it goes that way for this year. I hope this year turns out to be a better year.

2005 was a good year. It was a year of changes and adventures. It was a year that made life so much different for me. It was a happy year. Sure I had some really tough moments and there were times I felt like giving up all together. But still, it was a good year. I learned a lot, laughed so much more, smiled more often, but most of all I lived. Looking back, I may not have completely fulfilled all my resolutions for 2005, but I did get most of my wishes.

2005 was a year of second chances. I broke my biggest resolution in 2005. I didn't even realize it until yesterday. Almost 8 years ago I promised myself never to care for someone like I did that year and to never miss someone as much as I did that year. But I did. And I broke my promise. Looking back it may have been a foolish promise to make. But, it's quite ironic that the one who made me make that promise was also the one who got me to break it. And I've never been happier.

2005 taught me that life can change so swiftly in a blink of an eye. It taught me to value each moment and live each moment as if it were your last. In 2005, I learned to stand up for myself and fight for what I believe would make me happy. In 2005, I finally found the guts to admit to myself what I want out of life.

I had so many great memories in 2005. I had so much fun. I met so many new friends and life began anew. I had great adventures (whether on or off court). I didn't get to go to Palawan last year but I did get to go to various equally exciting places. Most of my time may have been spent on court but they were times worth spent. Every moment was a moment I shall cherish for the rest of my life.

The best day? Out of the 365 days last year, I shall never forget that night when I sat on that bench with my head resting on the shoulders of my dearest friend after a weekend of intrigues and tears. I felt like I was in the safest place in the world. It was a piece of heaven on earth. And it was my piece of heaven.

Goodbye 2005, thanks for a good year.

Hello 2006. =)
***
"So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them" (Alex Hitchens, "Hitch")

When I was a kid I loved fairy tales and happily ever afters. But as I grew up, they started to fade into reality. Yet I found myself believing in them once more. And though you drove me crazy at times because you began to matter so much, I knew I'd rather have those semi neurotic moments than not have you at all.

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise. you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you. "(Alex Hitchens, "Hitch")

To you who gave me back my faith in flying, thank you for catching me when I fell.