A letter to a Sibling I Never Knew

Dear Serene,

We lost you thirteen years ago today. I still remember that day vividly. It was a saturday. It was kevin costner's birthday. And I also went to a party for my bestfriend Mariel in Marikina. We had fun then. When I got home I remember seeing mommy being carried down the stairs. She was bleeding and daddy was going to take her to the hospital. A few hours later, we heard that you were gone.

I remember when Mommy told me she was pregnant. I was taken by surprise. It never entered my mind to be a big sister all over again at 16. Ves and I had a huge age gap and I couldn't imagine how it would be like to have a younger brother or sister who is almost old enough to be your own.The way Ves and I grew up, we weren't exactly your ideal siblings (i'm sure you heard about our classic battles and bickerings) I wasn't ready to be a big sister then but I remember that as the days went by, I became more and more excited about your coming. Things weren't exactly roses during those days at home and your coming was seen as a blessing-- a new start for everyone.

Then just as I was adjusting to the fact that I was to be a big sister again, you were gone. In the blink of an eye, you were gone. I felt extremely guilty back then. I felt that I might not have wanted you enough. I admit at first I was angry and scared about your coming. The childish part of me screamed, "oh no! another one to steal my parents' attention away." But then I realized how much your presence was changing the way things were at home. Things became brighter and happier. So when you died, I felt so sad. I felt so bad that I never even got to see how you looked like-- we never got to play all those games I prepared for your coming and we never got sing the songs we were supposed to sing.

Through the years I'd often stop and imagine how you would look like growing up. If you were a girl, we would have named you Serene while if you were a boy, you would have been named Ignatius (you were supposed to be born on the feast of St. Ignatius). Whenever I see kids your age, I often wondered what would you have been like had you lived. But although I felt sad that I never got to meet you, I also feel relieved that at least you didn't have to go through what we went through over the years. It would have been tough on a kid to go through such trials. And for that I am grateful that God chose to make you an angel instead.

Still I would have wanted to be your big sister. You would have been 13 this year. Imagine that-- you'd be a highschool student now. And instead of me talking to you in this letter, we'd probably be talking about your crushes, dreams, and all those teenage stuff instead. And I often wondered, how life would be different had you lived. But I know we can't live in a world of what ifs and buts. One thing I do know is that for the short time we had you in our lives, you made such a big difference.

I never got to tell you how much I loved you. And that I didn't mean not to want you at first. One day when we meet again, perhaps I'll finally get to be the big sister I was meant to be with you. babawi na lang ako sa langit. =)

Take care sweet little angel. Wherever you are.

Ate