Monday, February 05, 2007

The Day Before The Big Day

In less than 24 hours I will turn 30 years old. Some people dread the big three-oh I guess because it points to the sad reality that 1/3 of your life is over. But for someone like me who once thought that life was ending at 4, making it to the big three oh is something worth being thankful for.

I nearly died when I was four years old. When my ITP was discovered life completely became different for me. I learned the harsh reality that life could end for me at anytime. So I grew up kind of afraid that things I liked to do might eventually harm my fragile body. My parents became very protective of me and I led a very protected life. After all I was only 4. Life hasn't even begun for me.

When I was 16 I nearly died again. I was rushed to the hospital for severe hemorrhage. I had to be transfused with blood and platelets. My parents could not find blood donors because none were available and the blood that I needed only came hours later. Then while I was going through transfusion, my body went on a severe allergic reaction and I nearly died again. I remember telling my mom my final "habilins" like asking her to take care of my cats and saying sorry to my then best friend whom I had a falling out with. That was my worst relapse ever. Few people knew of a bargain I made that fateful night. When I was slowly losing my ability to breathe I was praying to God for some relief. A few hours later I woke up and saw the sunrise and that was when I made my bargain with him.

I asked God to grant me some more time so I could make a difference in this world. And after that I'd gladly go with him. And I even gave him a time frame-- thirty years old. And that bargain is supposed to end tomorrow.

I know it's morbid to talk of death a day before your birthday. But I guess that helps frame why I've lived my life this way for the past 14 years. I've been literally living on borrowed time so I guess that made me more aware of the things I wanted to do. That is also why I seem to live in such a hurried life.

Imagine to cram everything you want to do in 14 years. And I've literally done that. That's why finishing my phd before I turned thirty was that important. Coz that was part of my promise to God.

So am I ready now? Yes. There are still other stuffs and dreams I'd like to do like go to Italy or visit the alps. And perhaps even have my own family. But if God were to ask for my end of the bargain now, I'll be happy to say yes.

He gave me so much the past 14 years already and making it to my thirtieth birthday (well almost na) is enough to be thankful for. He has given me 14 beautiful years already and I am glad for that.

So have I fulfilled my promise to make that difference? I hope so. Or at least I tried my best to do so. There were three things that I asked him for time to do: First was I wanted to make sure that my family would be okay. Second I wanted to finish my phd. And third I wanted to learn how was it to love.

My mom and my sister are okay now. We're not perfect but we've been happy. We went through so much as a family the past 6 years years but we managed to more than survive--we managed to live a happier life. I've learned to also forgive the man who nearly broke our spirit and learned to accept that my beloved daddy is simply gone. In a way I am thankful for that loss. Because he taught me the best lesson of my life-- that no matter how bad things become, you have a choice to wallow in hatred or learn to love.

My mom raised me and my sister well. She taught us how to love always and to forgive but to always remember that sometimes in life the people whom you thought you could count on the most are the ones who will also break your heart. As for my dad, I am still grateful for him coz he showed me how I could be a better person despite everything. By leaving he gave us the chance to live.

I earned my phd. I earned it in record time. I now only have to make if fully official with the submission of my revisions.

In 14 years I've loved, lost, loved again, lost again, and loved again. In 14 years I learned to keep my faith in God and my faith in people. And most of all I made someone smile. Ella once told me that we seem to be magnets for complications. I guess it's because God knows that we have that much faith in people. And maybe that's our fault--we trust so much in the good of people. But I guess I'd rather have that blind faith than live a life of paranoia and distrust.

So tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday. I wish my family and friends were here. I wish I could wake up to the site of polie sleeping beside me on the bed and hearing his baboy like meow. I wish I could blow candles from my traditional birthday cake from shoppersville. I wish I could have that picnic at the bel field again. And most of all I wish I could have my birthday lunch out with ella.

But what the heck, kahit wala pa ang mga trimmings na yon, I am still going to celebrate my birthday.

Good bye 29, hello thirty..

Tama si mariel... mapapaisip ka talaga ng husto when the day comes nearer.

I got this nice email from trina.. I thought it was beautiful..

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

1 comment:

gyspy said...

I must say, that after reading, "The Day Before The Big Day" that it made me realize that, my petty little problems are nothing, compared to those around me.
I just want to say, 'thank you'for that. For the realization that my life is really good, compared to others.