Blue Morning

I woke up crying this morning. I had a really bad dream. Someone I care about got hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. It turned out okay in the end but the shock of seeing the person hurt really rocked me and even though I knew it was just a dream, it left me feeling exhausted and scared. When I woke up, I could barely breathe.

Paolo Coelho talks about this thing called "the other"-- the fears and insecurities that surface whenever we face our ultimate challenge--love. It usually starts cropping up on you once you start to care more and more for someone. I think part of the reason for that bad dream is that--the other is arriving.

What scared me most about that dream was not the fact that the person I cared about got hurt-- but the feeling of panic it left within me. Does that mean that I cared that much? Past expriences of hurts and mishaps have left me both hopefull and wary. I have to admit that despite being a self confessed hopeless romantic, I am also a hard realist--sometimes even bordering on being pessimistic. Ironic isn't it? But true. I've always believed in hope and remaining optimistic but I also know the reality that sometimes it can hurt.

Perhaps what my dream is telling me is this-- now is the time to face the music-- to finally admit to myself that I actually care that much and stop pretending not to. I don't know it just left me feeling confused and scared and happy and sad and joyful-- a mixture of feelings I know, and it bothers me.

Or maybe its called hormones. =P

***
Why do you tug my heart so? What did you do to make you matter that much?

Happy Birthday Senyorito!

Today is the birthday of my good friend Weevens-- my forever lunch date in admu who hates any notion of love, relationship and marriage. He's the anti romance guy. But he's also one of the most kalog people in the world. Life would never be dull with the weevans around. From Weevens my vocabulary expands by the hour-- cheapness, cheapetita, surelyly rosemarie,etc. And who could forget his famous singkit taray look? Or his numerous rituals on and off court?Kidding aside, if someone is to be blamed for my addiction in badminton--si weevens yon. He taught me to love the game. He was the first person to ever get me to play really serious badminton. But more than that, he is such a great friend to have around.

My wish for senyorito? That he find the love of his life soon so that I'll finally get to see him fall head over heels hopelessly devoted and pathetically in love. Or maybe I should just wish to finally see him wear the sleeveless look on court? I wonder which is more likely to come true?

Peace!! Happy Birthday!

A new smile in heaven

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my leukemic patient Roland who also had diabetes. I organized an impromptu surprise party for his birthday last August 19 (but we celebrated it the 18th). He gave me the most precious smile I've ever received in the hospital. It made the struggle to search for a sugar free cake worth it.

Today I found out that Roland passed away last week. I never saw him again after his surprise. I got busy with other work in the hospital as well as my own dissertation. According to Beth, our hospice staff, Roland stayed for two more weeks in the hospital. He was sent home afterwards and then passed away. His cancer spread to his lungs.

Roland was just 19. He was supposed to start college last June when he got sick. His mom abandoned them years ago and his dad was his sole supporter. Roland never lived to see his wish come true--a scooter. That was his birthday wish-- to own one.

Now there's a new smile in heaven. And his name is Roland. I wish him well there. I know he is finally at peace.

Adventures at Adidas

Adidas ended another tourney saga in my long list of badminton adventures. I learned a lot in that tourney especially about what my goals are in terms of playing the game. I learned that you have to choose your tournaments well and not be blinded by advertisements. In adidas, I played only 2 games. The rest were all defaults in our favor. So how do you enjoy that? I want to win but not through walkovers. It's all about playing a good game thats all-- winning or losing is just secondary.

I was sick during the last two days of adidas. But that did not stop me from cheering my heart out for my friends. Since I was already out anyway, I decided to lose my voice while cheering for len & macre and peter & mike. Len & Macre won the women's doubles level c championship. Unfortunately Peter and Mike lost in a hotly constested three set game in the quarterfinals. I admired the fighting spirit of my favorite partner--despite not feeling well, he still managed to fight with his heart and soul. Kaw pa rin si Flash Gordon for me partner!

I learned about the beauty of friendship during the games. I learned who my real friends are and who are the people who matter to me. I learned not to care about what others may think of me but instead follow my heart and know what my goals and priorities are. So despite having a crappy tournament experience, adidas actually was a good memory--if only for the time I spent with my friends. Olympic's parking lot now has a newfound meaning for me.

In adidas I learned to laugh at defeat and enjoy the moment. I learned that in the end, we choose to either enjoy our lives or be bitter. Life is always a choice. We always have a choice.

But most of all, I learned that when you love something or someone, you allow them the space they need to be themselves. And you allow yourself the space also to be who you really are.

Winning & Losing

It's not about winning and losing that matters but how you play the game.

Yesterday I learned that about myself. I went up against a pair that was obviously stronger than me and my partner. My partner was so pissed off because they were obvious sandbaggers. I decided to fight. We went down hard-- losing in a heartbreaking fashion. But we didnt lose because we fought--we lost because my partner gave up. And that broke my heart. I was sick the entire day already and was actually on double dose of fever and cold meds. I didn't want to let her down. I fought my heart out. Even at 1-14, I was still willing to fight (even ran straight into the net). I knew winning was impossible but at the least I wanted to try. Karen remarked how my fighting spirit was strong despite the inevitable loss-- True. I didn't want to give up. I owe myself and the game that.

So we lost. And I cried. Another chapter ended. Another hard lesson learned. As Mang Jun told me later on-- in the end its how you act on and off court that matters.

Humility in victory and graciousness in defeat.

Being Happy

There's a smile on my face this morning that no one can erase. And even if I lack sleep, I know I will be okay. Because today I am happy. And today I promise to be happy despite feeling unwell. I came down with slight fever yesterday but true to my go go self, instead of resting I ended up gimiking until 2am. I had dinner with my college friends in honor of Peter's birthday. It's been a while since the gang got together as a group and it was nice to see everyone once again. We had a blast drinking beer and eating our share of early death food (aka crispy pata, pusit, kare kare). I got drunk a bit as I managed to down 4 bottles of beer in about an hour. Fortunately we were near the cr so it was not an issue for me when I had to take a cr break every 10 minutes or so. We talked about the latest chickas going on with our respective batchmates and basically updated each other on the comings and goings of our lives.

After dinner we trekked to starbucks, first in metrowalk, but after about 10 minutes of struggling for parking we decided to go to their emerald branch instead. There we witnessed Peter's latest car blooper (hehehe). Lyzet remained the star of the night with her nerve wracking statements and questions. Nearly fell of my seat because of some of them.

Last night was a nice ending for a tough work week. I've been through hell this week. But I made it through the hell because of some really great friends.

time to go to adidas...

***
Thank you for putting the smiles in my life.

Happy Birthday Peter

One of my dearest friends is celebrating his birthday today. My favorite mixed doubles partner and kakulitan on and off court Peter is turning one year older (and wiser?!) today. Last night our badminton group gave him a surprise celebration while playing at club 650. It took several weeks of planning, but the surprise went well. I made some lasagna and brought cookies and cream cake from sweet inspirations while Karen brought softdrinks. Tita Nel and I were the ones who brought in the food at around 830 while the boys took turns at distracting our birthday celebrant.

I've known Peter for more than a decade. 11 years to be exact. I was a freshman in college when we first met and were co-applicants at UP MMC. Through the years we've become really good friends and if there's one person besides my best friend Ella who has been there for me through the ups and downs of my life, that would be Peter. We have had a lot of adventures together. Some of the most memorable moments include our two trips to Mt. Banahaw (groupmates kami both times) and our famous grass flavored sinigang plus our extra long tambay hours at UP MMC (mga furnitures ng tambayan) and our numerous trips out of town (Subic pa din ang the best!).
Peter has been there for me through all my bloopers and managed to rescue me from a lot of them. Like the time I forgot my car keys inside the car back in college (siya pa ang naghanap ng magbubukas) or when I forgot my badminton shoes during Alfonso cup (he zoomed to my house to get it). When my racket got stolen recently, he readily came to my rescue again and brought me his (and even became my cheering squad throughout the games). I wouldn't have won that championship without him. Kung ililista lahat ng moments na nirescue ako ni partner, mahaba na ang utang ko.

On court Peter gladly partnered with me during the first pamilya tournament despite my pathetic skills. He graciously encouraged me to improve my skills and inspired me to train and aspire for greater glory. He keeps me grounded and sane when things get really hard for me at work and at home. One time I was so down from comps, he cheered me up the whole afternoon. And when some people recently bad mouthed me because of badminton, he made sure that I was protected from their bitchiness. He's not much of a showy person but he's always there. He's my second best friend and I am glad that he is in my life.

Masayang kakulitan si Peter. Sa kanya ko lang nalaman na ang sta mesa ay nasa laguna at ang giraffe ay may dalawang paa. Dahil sa kanya nagkabukol ako sa display window ng wellcom sa riverbanks (oh god how we laughed that day). I often end up doing the most stupid things when with him but he always manages to make me feel good about it.

He may be the most pathetic textmate in the world but when you need him, he will always be there.

Happy birthday partner! sorry sa mga piso ko sa yo kagabi! promise di ko sinasadya!!! =P

Surviving Defense

Defending my dissertation was my priority for this week. Up until Monday morning I was still in semi-limbo as to who will my panelists be or even whether my defense will actually push through at all. So yesterday, when it finally happened, a big thorn was finally taken off my chest.

I had my usual classic bloopers (misspelled title slide, no page numbers in my paper, etc) but at least I survived. I have been having nightmares over it for the past week already and I was starting to even somatize colds, headaches and fever. I was getting panicked as each day went by.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My panel had a number of questions and issues with regards to my conceptual framework but they were generally helpful. It helped also that my friends were there to support me (My phd comps gang--bopeep, fr. cha & mira; My notetakers-Mardet, Cha, My photgrapher-Karen & the tape recorder--Peter). Their presence helped boost my sinking morale during the course of the defense. There were moments there that I felt I couldn't answer anything anymore and it was the presence of my friends that helped me rally that much needed energy to keep up with the questions.

After nearly 2 hours of presentation and questions, I finally got to sit down. I plopped beside Peter and took my first real relaxed breath in more than a week. It was finally over. My audience and panel had a nice merienda (Cara and I teamed up to make our meals match) but I still couldn't eat. I was just too tired. After clearing up the room I headed to Ves' condo to celebrate her birthday. Unfortunately, I was up only long enough to eat some dinner and greet her. I was asleep by 8:00pm.

Now the real work begins. I have to start gathering data and begin my dissertation. And hopefully finally defend the full study by my birthday in February. I hope so.

One thing I learned about this entire experience is the fact that I am loved by so many people. And even if the world turns against me from time to time, I will always have angels to see me through hell.
***
Thank you. It meant a lot to me--more than you'll ever know.

Weekend without SB

Our first weekend without our beloved homecourt was spent at the adidas badminton challenge. Everytime people asked where our group played we found ourselves at a loss on what to answer. It was a sad reminder of the bitter truth that as of last friday-we wer officially badminton nomads-- homeless people searching for a new court.

The gang tried Greenpark badminton last saturday after the boys' rounds 1 and 2 matches at adidas. Nearly everyone was there except for Mike and the Pamilya Badminton. The court looked nice and the flooring was definitely a big improvement compared to SB. But still, it was different--it wasn't home. There was no smokers' tambayan outside with our beloved benches for one thing. And because the court operates on a first come first served basis, we had to continously play in order not to lose our court.

After playing for nearly four hours, we trekked to Len's and had our usual saturday night inuman. Peter and Mark took turns in being makulit and maingay (hala! nagalit tuloy si mommy!) while laughing over George's car blooper last thursday. We had a sumptous dinner of grill queen products with san mig light and coke. When we ended at 130 am we were all ready to fall asleep dead tired.

Yesterday, it was the women's turn to play at adidas. First up was Binky and Liezel who anihilated their opponent at level D. Next was my partner Marie and me also at Level D. It was also an easy match but when we watched our next opponents' match on the adjacent court, it appeared that we're up for some really tough matches next week. Karen and Joy also won over their opponent at level E while Len and Macre had an exciting match against their equally tough opponents in level C. The gang joined in the protest against a team that was totally mislevelled at level C. Apparently the team was a relative of the tournament director.

As of yesterday our team had the following win-lose records: Men's Level C-Rodel & Zorro (0-2), Isaias & Mang Jun (1-1); Men's Level D- Peter & Mike (2-0), Terry & Jabar (2-0); Women's Level C- Len & Macre (1-0); Women's Level D- Hazel & Marie (1-0), Binky & Liezel (1-0); Women's Level E- Karen & Joy (1-0), Ella & Lanie (1-0); Mixed Level C- Tito Noel & Tita Nel (0-2)

We ended our night with our traditional dinner this time at hotrocks-- it's actually our first weekend without bonfire. Somehow, nakakamiss din pala ang walang kamatayang sisig at salpicao.

Our first weekend without SB. I miss our home.

Saying Goodbye to SB

I hate Goodbyes. I don't think there's anything good about it. It always brings about sadness and tears.

Last Night we said goodbye to our beloved homecourt--Shuttles Best Riverbanks. No one wanted to leave until the last flourescent lamp was shut off and the doors were finally locked for the last time. We played and partied till closing time and even got to celebrate one of the court's staff (Rodel) birthday in advance. We played great games, ate good food, and even drank some wine. We raided the cabinets of SB one last time and collected memorabilias. I got a bench (from our beloved Smokers' Nook) while Len and Rb got their respective championship banners. George collected all the shuttlecocks he could find while Karen, Josh, and Macre autographed our beloved court 1.

When the last game ended at 11:45, there was a sense of sadness in the air. Our beloved court was finally closing and we shall never be able to play in it again. My last game was a women's doubles game with Marie against Terry and Jonjon. I played 8 games last night-- one singles match, 5 women's doubles and 2 mixed doubles. I shall forever hold those memories dear.

The people who love SB were all there despite the heavy downpour- Peter, me, Mark, Macre, Karen, Annie, Bong, Mike, Tito Noel, Tita Nel, Rb, Luiz, Len and George (habol!!) plus some new friends like George, Mang Jun, the badmintown duo who gave us great mixed doubles challenges, etc. The staff was also complete-- Marie, Terry, Jonjon, Rodel, Isiaias, and tenten. Some who were not able to make it were also with us in spirit (Binky, Mike Liit, Marekoy Jeanette). It was great to be with the guys one last time.

While fixing our stuff Peter and I talked about how SB became our home the last couple of months. We actually spend more time in it than our own homes. "Wala na tayong tambayan" said Peter. I nearly cried when I heard that (buti na lang madilim!). Ella would often tell me that if I am missing at home, there's only one other place I'd be-- SB. SB changed the way I ran my social life. Before my gimiks were movies, coffee shops and bars. Now it's all badminton.

We've had great memories there in Shuttles Best. In SB I found my good friend again and formed a bond I shall cherish forever. Now I not only have a mixed partner but also found a second best friend. In SB I found my soul sisters--Macre, Karen, Len, Jeanette, Joy, Binky,and Marie. In SB I found my second mommy and daddy--tita nel and tito noel and honorary siblings--Rb and Kei. And in SB I found my kulit boys Emerson, Mike, Mark, George, and Luiz who never fail to make me laugh kahit na favorite akong asarin. I may have spent a lot on court fees the past year because of my daily habit at SB but I gained much much more.

In SB I found home.

The thought of not going to SB anymore on our usual TTHS habit depresses me. I think I am still in denial. I wish time stopped last night and the court never closed. Mark even joked that we'd form a picket line demanding that the court not be closed.

So at 12:35 am we trekked to our cars in the parking lot and looked back for the last time to the place we called home for over a year.

Goodbye Shuttles Best Riverbanks. Thank you for the wonderful memories.

A good cry

I've never really cried about school. A geek all my life, I've never had problems with studies at all. Despite the challenge of being ill most of the time, I've always managed to breeze through school without much trouble. The first time I cried about school was when I failed calculus in UP. It was the first time I failed at anything. But despite that I managed to get back on my feet and haul myself back to achievement. The second time was when I learned I was not going to graduate with honors in college. Four days prior to my graduation, I was told that I was not going to be given my much fought for cum laude because of a technicality. I cried then for my parents who were expecting the award. But still I was proud-- no one could take away the fact that from a pathetic qpi on the brink of being kicked out, I was able to get it to as high as 1.666.

Yesterday I cried for the third time in my life. The frustration of getting my dissertation defended finally got to me. It's been really hard for me the past two weeks with school, work, and even personal problems. And yesterday I just felt so bad about school. Everytime I have personal problems, school has always been my comfort zone. I'm used to excelling in it. But the past year or so and moreso these past weeks, I've come to realize that its not enough anymore that I excel because the powers that be control my fate. And that is frustrating. To be told that your topic is not relevant is like saying that what I went through for the past 24 years of my life is useless. And that hurts.

So I cried-- for me, and for the all other graduate students who are also going through the hellish world of thesis and dissertation. It's hard to keep faith in a world that keeps trying to pull you down.

Sana mas maganda tong araw na to.
***
On a sadder note, SB is closing today. I'm heartbroken about it

Sleepy but Happy

I am walking zombie today. My arms and legs hurt and my mind feels like shutting down. But although I'm sleepy and can barely move my body, I am extremely happy. =)

For perhaps the last time, we played our Pamilya Badminton tournament at Shuttles Best Riverbanks yesterday. SB is set to close this coming Thursday and to bid our home farewell, we decided to have our favorite mixed doubles tournament. Peter and I were paired again for this round and my favorite partner and I managed to win 4th place. We had a magnificent run at the eliminations, winning all our matches. We tried a new playing strategy which worked for us. We played good matches in the semis and 3rd place but bowed to two formidable foes. Binky and Mike Liit eventually won the championships with Karen and Mike Tangkad taking 2nd place. My partner Marie and Rodel won 3rd.

The tournament held a special place in my heart as the past few days have been really taxing on my heart and sanity. Winning also meant that in all the pamilya tournaments, I've managed to win at least runner up place. 3 of those were with Peter as my partner and 1 was with Mike Tangkad and 1 with Mike Liit. =)

The past few days, I've seen the ugly side of badminton-- the politics and intrigues that come with competition. It really broke my heart to see how people can go to such great lengths (even to the point of hurting friends) just to ensure a win. Sad. Just like what Tito Noel told me, everyone just have different purposes in playing I guess. Some play for fame, some for glory, some for the money and win. But some also play for the love of the game.

But yesterday all those issues took a slight backseat (sort of) to give way to the fun tourney at SB. We played our patayan games once more--6 matches in the elims, 2 matches in semis and finals. Peter was with me all throughout especially when things got a bit stressful due to the issues on court lately. He made sure that I'd be okay. I am touched beyond words. He was all over the court once again which made me want to also do my best. Karen, Macre, Len and the rest of the players were extremely supportive too. I shall never forget how my friends protected me over the past three days. It made me realize how lucky I am to have them in my life.

After the games we trekked over to Len's house (our forever tambayan) and had a great dinner there (what else?! food from bonfire grill!). We chatted over the day's games again and the colorful events once more. We looked at the pics and had a grand time teasing each other about our bloopers on and off court. Karen had an instant homily session with Daddy but was all smiles when the much awaited text messages came...The gang was complete--Honey & Chocnut, Cookies & Cream, Goya & Curly Tops at of course-- Langka & Durian. Sino sila? Guess?!

We went home at midnight, tired but happy. Peter nearly didn't get home coz he couldn't open his car door--kala ko magbubukas kotse gang na kami! hehehe. Karen as usual was the first to speed away.

I'm gonna miss SB when it closes. I still have a silent prayer wishing for it to remain open. SB is quite dilapidated actually but its home. In SB I found my place in badminton and in SB I found my heart. I shall miss our smokers' lounge and our benches. I'll even miss the silaw on court. In SB I learned that badminton is never about equipment or court quality but it's about people. It's about playing the game to the best of your ability and being with your friends.

I am Loved

I am loved. And that makes me the happiest girl in the world.

Today I realized how blessed I am to have friends who will always be there for me.I am blessed with people who care for me that they would be willing to fight my battles for me. That's worth more than any medal or trophy in the world.

I nearly cried because of how my friends came together to defend me today. Karen, Len, Mark and Macre made sure that I would still feel okay despite the battles I had to go through today. Even Marie and binky were patient with me and took time to make me feel okay. But I was especially touched by what my partner Peter told me at dinner and how he journeyed with me in my struggle to keep smiling despite the pain. Peter made sure that I'd laugh a lot tonight.Even if he wasn't feeling well either, pwedeng pwede na siyang maging boyoyong clown. (Sige na nga master of meditation, magaaral na ako ng hand movements ng great ohmmm.) Our practice together with Luiz was one of the most fun games I've ever had. Pwedeng pang famas awards.

I realized then how lucky I am. I am loved by my friends. Mamatay na lang sila sa inggit.

Rainbows do appear during rainstorms. And I am lucky to have a lot of them in my life.

***
I don't know what else to say but Thank you.

Friendships

Last night I realized how sometimes even the people whom you are nice to can end up stabbing you in the back. I was angry but more than that hurt beyond words. I cried in my car thinking what I actually did wrong to deserve such treatment. But then I realized I also have a choice-- I can choose to be angry at them too or I could choose to be gracious and be nice. I chose the latter. There's a saying that when someone throws rocks at you, throw them bread in return. It may sound pathetic but last night I realized it's value. To seek revenge would mean agreeing to the bad things said about me despite having done nothing wrong.

I don't expect a long life and I want to spend what little life I have left to being with the people who love me and trying to make a difference in this world. I still believe that the world is full of good people and people are basically good if you allow them to be.And sometimes people hurt you because they know no other way.

Last night I realized how loved I am by people whom I now have the honor of calling as sisters--Macre, Len,and Karen-- friends whom I shall hold dear for the rest of my life. I didnt expect them to come and defend me but they did. And they made me feel that I am still worthy despite what others may think. Even Peter, George, and Mark helped make me feel better. I was touched by what the guys said to me and how they patiently listened to my side without judgment. I don't know how would I be able to smile last night without them.

When you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone you know
Just think of your friends, the one's who care
They all will be there, with love to share
And your heart will lead you home.

***
I found home in you.

Early Morning Thoughts

7 hours of badminton training yesterday has left my body half numb. I can barely move my right arm and legs. It's been two weeks since Len and I formally trained with Len being sick and all so I think my body got semishocked with the drills yesterday. I felt disappointed about my net play because I was suffering from cramps and could barely move my left leg. Tried to improve my backhand as well which has been my biggest weakness all these years.

Without Peter around, I just practiced mixed doubles play with Rb and tenten. Partner is still down with the colds (Get well soon partner! Miss ka na namin! Wala ka sa crispy tenga expedition namin ni bossing last tuesday. May kanin na sila!). Rb and I got battered by bossing Mike and Karen. Tenten and I played one hell of a game against the power partnership of Terry and Marie. The upcoming Pamilya Badminton Farewell Tournament is getting everyone fired up already. Debate continues to to rage on about who will partner with whom and I predict my phone bill will once again soar to the high heavens. Marie and I also practiced for Addidas against JP and Tenten and I consider it a miracle that we even scored two points against them. Our first set was a love set (my second love set in my entire badminton career) while the second set was a miraculous 15-2 (our score of 2 was the miracle!). We looked like a bunch of badminton newbies against their powerhouse team. We were scrambling all over the place. But it was good practice--they thought me to run and be as quick as I can be inside the court.

In one week's time SB will close down and the thought of our second home closing saddens me. Our court may look ugly and battered but it's home to us. That is where our friendships blossomed and that's where our hearts lie. I learned to play real badminton in SB almost a year ago today. And in SB I found my heart and my biggest passion in life. Where else can you play from 6am to 12mn and pay only 80 pesos the entire time?! Where else can you take a 5 hour yosi break (without ever lighting one cigarette) and still have a court reserved for you? In SB everyone is family-- we even get to partner and play with the staff. There's even no need for a guard anymore since we practically open and close the place anyway (libreng bantay!). Honestly, I'm gonna miss that place and it breaks my heart knowing that my days just sitting infront of that ugly green trashcan facing the riverbanks parking lot is numbered. SB will always be home and it will always have my heart.

The Things I'd Like to Do

Last night amidst my frustration about finally completing my dissertation panel, I wrote down a list of things I'd rather be doing at that moment.
1. be with the person who makes me smile
2. eat popcorn while watching a good movie
3. go to the beach
4. play badminton
5. not be a driver for a change
6. go out and not worry about any responsibilities that I've left behind
7. eat white icing cake from shoppersville
8. Read a good book
9. stargaze
10. be happy
11. drop everything and just forget about my dissertation for a while
12. eat isaw and fishballs
13. have a good laugh
14. play cards
15. run wild in a field of flowers
16. go on a picnic
17. sleep
18. eat ilocos empanada in ilocos
19. go on a vacation
20. sing
None of the items in my list included most of the things I'm doing now (except for badminton and being with my friends). I guess I'm at the point when I'm just too overtaxed from the stress of school and work. I thought writing a dissertation would be stressful enough, but no, it's the events and people around it that makes it all the more stressful. If I had my way, I'd stop everything and just walk away.

So what is stopping me from doing so? I keep my promises. Always. I made a promise several years ago that I'd finish this. When I started my phd I promised my mom I'd finish it. And so here I am making good on that promise. It's hard to understand for some but that's just the way I'm built. But more than a promise to my family, I promised myself one morning 12 years ago, that I'd do this. I made a bargain with God that day. And I intend to keep my end of the bargain.

So I thread on...
***
YOU keep me from giving up and you are the reason for my smiles.

Girls Bonding

Karen, Macre, Len, and I decided to have a bonding session last Friday. The guys were nowhere that day and so we decided to have some quality girl talk. We pigged out on junk food, muffins, siomai, and coffee. We got drunk drinking coke. It was a blast. Raffy (len's sis-in-law) also joined us along with our "honorary girlfriend" Francis. It was fun bonding with the girls. I call it a rare moment in my life when I'm actually with girls than with guys. For a self confessed one of the boys being with my girlfriends is a welcome experience.

We talked about all the latest gossips and happenings in our lives (despite being together almost every other day). And though some of our stories were already redundant, we painstakingly listened to each one of them..Karen was all smiles in her text messages (hmmm...bakit kaya?). My cellphone actually became a message relay center. Macre was in a warpath and so was Len. Raffy was busy planning her party tonight too. We all had our own stories to share. And I was happy that my girlfriends did not think I was crazy because all I could talk about was you know who (or I guess they have long accepted by cheezy sentimental self). We pondered about how to adjust to life without SB. Nakakadepress. By 730pm we decided to have pizza delivered. Imagine this 5 girls ordering a 20 inch yellow cab pizza. Crazy! Daddy was amazed by our appetite (and will power to eat). George surrendered to the girl power the moment we started singing to foolish heart, jealous, and moonlight over paris.

This is the kind of gimik that I like. I don't like going out on bars and all those noisy places. Good food and good talk with great friends is enough to make a day happy. Another reason to smile.
***
Today I woke up with a cat sleeping on my lap and my leg heavily under cramps. I actually slept in my car. Someone was stupid enough to lock our second double lock at the main door hence I could not get last night. And being so late, no one was actually answering our phones. Hay naku! When I realized I was locked out, I was so tired to even bothering getting pissed off. Fortunately for me, there wasn't any mosquitoes hovering around so I was still able to get some good sleep despite my uncomfy position. It was a real blooper. Buti na lang I came from a happy gimik at badminton. Practiced with Marie for addidas as well as with Peter for our last Pamilya tournament. We had a grand time laughing at each other's bloopers as well as making our kupal feeling coach uncomfy in court (bad!!!). The pamilya partnership continued to go under debate. Of course before anyone, I prefer to have my original partner with me (sorry annie you can't borrow.hehehe). So by the time I got home, it wasn't nightmarish anymore to realize that I was actually gonna camp out in the garage. My sister woke up at 5:30am to let me in and finally sleep in my beloved bed.

A fruitful weekend. Sana ganito na lang forever.
***
After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
(Mr. Big, Sex and the City)