Thursday, September 15, 2005

A good cry

I've never really cried about school. A geek all my life, I've never had problems with studies at all. Despite the challenge of being ill most of the time, I've always managed to breeze through school without much trouble. The first time I cried about school was when I failed calculus in UP. It was the first time I failed at anything. But despite that I managed to get back on my feet and haul myself back to achievement. The second time was when I learned I was not going to graduate with honors in college. Four days prior to my graduation, I was told that I was not going to be given my much fought for cum laude because of a technicality. I cried then for my parents who were expecting the award. But still I was proud-- no one could take away the fact that from a pathetic qpi on the brink of being kicked out, I was able to get it to as high as 1.666.

Yesterday I cried for the third time in my life. The frustration of getting my dissertation defended finally got to me. It's been really hard for me the past two weeks with school, work, and even personal problems. And yesterday I just felt so bad about school. Everytime I have personal problems, school has always been my comfort zone. I'm used to excelling in it. But the past year or so and moreso these past weeks, I've come to realize that its not enough anymore that I excel because the powers that be control my fate. And that is frustrating. To be told that your topic is not relevant is like saying that what I went through for the past 24 years of my life is useless. And that hurts.

So I cried-- for me, and for the all other graduate students who are also going through the hellish world of thesis and dissertation. It's hard to keep faith in a world that keeps trying to pull you down.

Sana mas maganda tong araw na to.
On a sadder note, SB is closing today. I'm heartbroken about it


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