Thursday, September 29, 2005

Blue Morning

I woke up crying this morning. I had a really bad dream. Someone I care about got hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. It turned out okay in the end but the shock of seeing the person hurt really rocked me and even though I knew it was just a dream, it left me feeling exhausted and scared. When I woke up, I could barely breathe.

Paolo Coelho talks about this thing called "the other"-- the fears and insecurities that surface whenever we face our ultimate challenge--love. It usually starts cropping up on you once you start to care more and more for someone. I think part of the reason for that bad dream is that--the other is arriving.

What scared me most about that dream was not the fact that the person I cared about got hurt-- but the feeling of panic it left within me. Does that mean that I cared that much? Past expriences of hurts and mishaps have left me both hopefull and wary. I have to admit that despite being a self confessed hopeless romantic, I am also a hard realist--sometimes even bordering on being pessimistic. Ironic isn't it? But true. I've always believed in hope and remaining optimistic but I also know the reality that sometimes it can hurt.

Perhaps what my dream is telling me is this-- now is the time to face the music-- to finally admit to myself that I actually care that much and stop pretending not to. I don't know it just left me feeling confused and scared and happy and sad and joyful-- a mixture of feelings I know, and it bothers me.

Or maybe its called hormones. =P

Why do you tug my heart so? What did you do to make you matter that much?

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