I just finished a really long work day. Well almost that is. As of this moment I have one more meeting to go to before I can finally take my much awaited trip to my favorite place called SB. Some of my friends think I've become an addict to the court. If only they know that I spend more time actually just bumming around than playing. The place relaxes me. And after a long day like today-- that is heaven sent.
Several times I found myself nearly losing my patience today--from students who were unaware of their schedules, to noisy students, to some irritating people in the neighborhood. But I didn't want to ruin my day especially when I knew it would be a long one. I'm not the type to lose my cool over things because I find it more draining when I lose my temper. So despite wanting to snap back at the "irritants" I stopped myself and just smiled. I know I might appear "deadma" at times but I just don't want to make myself feel any worse than I already do. So I just let it be.
Earlier today a friend posed the eternal graduate students' existential question--"why do we do this to ourselves?" Why do we pay 30,000 pesos each semester to torture ourselves with papers and exams? More so, why do we complain about it? We call it anxiety attacks. hahaha. Especially when crunch time comes (like right now). Personally I feel the pressure building up already and though I appear cool most of the time, I feel scared too. I feel scared that I might not live up to the expectations of the people around me but moreso that I might not live up to my own personal expectations.
I am torn by a lot of dreams these days. Honestly, there are times when I don't know which to pursue anymore. And I find myself asking over and over again, what makes me truly happy. The answer has always been there-- I just don't know if I can finally find the guts to go for it.
The moment of truth is fast approaching. I know time will come when I finally have to make my choice.