Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Saving Graces

If it wasn't for badminton, today would have been a totally crappy day. At 2pm I was already having the worst migraine from the depressed conditions in the hospital. Then I got more stressed at home. I do love them but at times I also feel a bit overstretched to my limits. Its hard to balance being dutiful with being you. And that can be so frustrating. I sometimes envy the people who just say what they want and do what they want without care. And people adjust to them. Being responsible can be so hard sometimes. Moreso if your duty has to come before anything else. I know I am not the perfect daughter nor am I wishing to be so. And its so hard when so much is expected of you. Sometimes I don't even know the "me" anymore. By wishing to be happy and actually doing something about it, does that make me bad?

I was struck by what Peter told me this afternoon during our warm up walk along Oranbo drive. Why do I have to be always the one to adjust? I really don't know. But it did made me think of what I am doing to myself. Something is wrong here.

Still there are the saving graces that made today less crappy. Had a wonderful time playing with my friends. Even experienced winning 15-0 for the first time in mixed doubles (grabe galing ni partner eh). Played against the maingay opponent of ours from Smashroom and still managed to win both sets (despite them being a mixed doubles team). I got to use my new racket again and bask in the glory of victory for one more day. But most of all I got to be with people who appreciated me for who I am, imperfections and weirdness and all. I also appreciated my best friend Ella's efforts to reach me and keep my sanity intact on my way to war. She looks out for me always.

I'm just human. I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I don't expect to live a long life so for the brief time I am here on earth, I'd like to carve my own piece of heaven. I just wish they would be happy for me too.
you managed to turn a sad day to a day of smiles. i don't know how you do it but i just want to say thank you.

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